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Am I wrong in my thinking?

Tiger7's picture

SD18 is out of BMs house and at a group home; she is being transitioned to her own apartment. At 18, the custody order doesn't apply anymore as far as visitation....she can come and go without any say from BM. Here's my issue - SO still gets SD16 every other weekend. I would prefer that if SD18 wants to come visit, she comes on those weekends. We saw them both last weekend. Last night, he said that if SD18 wanted to come over he would go get her if I didn't have a problem with that. She hadn't called and asked, he was just asking me in case she called. I said I prefer he keep it to every other weekend with SD16. His argument: the co rules don't apply to her anymore, she should be able to come over anytime, he just wants to spend time with his kid. My argument: I get it, so you can go meet her anytime you want, I need eowe without his kids. Now - my 2 kids live with us (their home before he moved in). Before he could even bring that up, I told him I thought it was different cause mine are 22 and 26, they go their own way, not up under us and take care of themselves. Even tho his girls are 16 & 18, HE treats them likes little kids - always checking to see if they're ok, cooking for them, etc. He plays daddy to the fullest. That's fine but like I said, I prefer that only eowe. Am I out of line since mine are here everyday and I only want his around eowe? I want to be fair and maybe I'm just flat out wrong. ***He's at the store right son is at daughter is here and the house is PIN DROP QUIET. If his kids were here, it would be LOUD & NOISY***


notsobad's picture

Sorry, you are in the wrong.

He loves his kids just as much as you love yours and he wants to see them as often as he can.

Yours are quite because it’s their home. His feel like guests and maybe unwelcome ones at that. It’s a totally different dynamic.

hereiam's picture

Why are your kids, especially the 26 year old, still living with you?

I get why you want to keep both of his kids on the same "schedule" but he deals with yours everyday so, yeah, you are asking for too much.

Curious Georgetta's picture

If he is a guest in your home , he should only have his kids there at times that you are in agreement with them coming. If that is his home and he is contributing equitably to the support of the home, his kids should be able to come when he wants them there. He is not asking you to cook, clean or check on them. If his parenting style is different than yours, that should be his prerogative as long as he does not expect you to respond to them in the same way.

If you are fine with you kids staying with you for as long as you wish, that should be your prerogative as well. If your kids are not creating issues and you do not object to their presence there is no reason to modify your situation. There is no deadline by which kids can no longer live in the parents home. That is a decision to be made by each family.

MurphysLaw's picture

I knew it was cold outside, but all HE!! must have froze over because I have to agree with CG’s comment.

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

I guess everyones answer will be somewhat right depending on their values/experience.
Because I NOW have experience with a skid living with me, I will say- I dont feel you are in the wrong in wanting to keep a schedule set and having him have a relationship with her outside of the home. I am saying this as my stb SS17 never saw BM for the last 5 Months until recently, and I was going crazy not having any alone time. You have a right to have happiness.
I dont know your own childrens history as to why they are still living with you. However, in all honesty, I moved back home too, im 32- but thats another issue in itself(i was renting for the last 5 years). And maybe im an asshole for moving back but i pay a shitload of rent with no free babysitter. Perhaps there is a valid reason your adults are there. I too have asked myself, why is it okay for my DD9 to live with us but not SS17- i get how it may look bad.
Why is your SD 18in a group home?- that sounds like alarm bells.
My skid is very co dependent on BM, is lazy, zero ambition, depressed, hates his father, makes life miserable for everyone around- thats why i want him out and go back to BM, she created this mess...And I dont think its bad for keeping things seperate (relationships) outside of the home, especially if there is issues and turmoil- but I dont know.
Just another stepper, offering an opinion- good luck.

Tiger7's picture

I've been with SO for 3 yrs and SD18 has been problematic from the start. She had gotten worse over time. His whole family is disgusted with her and some wont even speak to her now. She's in a group home cause she got discharged from a adolescent psych ward (cause she threatened to hurt herself - 2nd time in there). Now that she's away from BM, it APPEARS she's doing better. I have lots of alarm bells with her. I sat her down and told her exactly what I expected and that if I hear her disrespect her father or see any her other crappy behavior, she's no longer welcome in our home. She was very receptive. I sincerely hope she's going to turn her life around. BM is a horrible mother and SD18 is a product of that dysfunction. So I just prefer to keep the visits to a minimum for now. But again, its his kid, he loves her and wants her around especially now, so he can try to help her stay on this path.

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

Yikes- sorry to hear.
Sounds like A LOT of issues, I am glad that you wish her well on her journey to healing.
I wish I could say the same about my skids, they hate their father and only want to see him for birthdays, holidays etc...or as in SSs case if he gets kicked out of the house, hey its better than living out on the streets. They proclaim that their father never paid any CS and are totally on this anti-father brigade but then say it will be nice to see you once in a while. Very Confusing.
The Mother is a Nut Job to put it politely and it seems they have inherited some of her behaviour whether it is learnt or genetic at this point, doesn't really matter to me anymore. I am kind of done. I have known them since 2010- so I have paid my dues so to speak. But at least you have had a lightbulb moment and have accepted, if he wants to see SD18 and spend more time with her- it wont bother you as much. I wish I could say if that was me it wouldn't bother me, but for me it would- long history of the reasons why. Have a Great Day!

Tiger7's picture

Thanks. I appreciate the feedback. To fill in the blanks a little: my oldest is a lawyer, living on her own. Youngest walked the stage to graduate but is still taking one last class he needs for his degree. He'll be done in a couple of weeks and then plans to work full time at his current part time job and then move to his own place; middle one had some medical issues a few years ago and that pushed her timeline back a few years. She is taking a civil service exam this month and if she gets the job, she will also save for a few months and then launch. The two at home contribute to the household and pay their own bills. They don't ask me for any money...ever. My SO was in serious financial hardship when we met. Thanks to me, he's back on his feet. He does try to push our families together but its out of love. He really wants us all to be one happy family. He doesn't seem to get that love isn't an automatic thing. Just because I love him, doesn't mean I automatically love his kids. I like them and care about them. I do want to be fair though. As it turns out, its Sat late afternoon and SD18 hasn't even called him so the discussion was all for nothing anyway. Next time, I'll relent cause I do love him.

FieryEscape's picture

Nope, I don't think your wrong . Nothing wrong with telling your DH you prefer his 18 year old to visit when the 16 year old is there. If it's just an extra day here and there, that be no big deal. If she starts wanting to come over all the time .... it could be problematic . I guess it really depends on her behavior and attitude and how you guys all ge along.

As far as your adult children living there , sounds like your DH was aware before he moved it. Your kids appear to be self sufficient and not expecting to be catered to and entertained .

Thumper's picture

Why the group home?

Not wanting dh's kids there when DH does is wrong.


notsobad's picture

This is a good place to get feed back.

Im glad you can see it for what it is.

Maybe you can come to an agreement that SD comes for dinner during the week? A meal is a nice way to spend time together, then after dinner he can take her back to the group home and you get a quite evening.
She gets to feel normal and part of the family, DH sees his daughter, you get peace and quiet.

DH could even involve SD in picking the meal, maybe prepping and cooking dinner? Something simple like spaghetti?

Tiger7's picture

I told him tonight that I thought I was wrong and of course she can come over more than just those designated weekends. I believe she's really trying to do the right thing so I want to give her the chance. He's a good man and good father.

hereiam's picture

This is good. I know it's not easy and not what you want, but it could really help for SD to be a part of something normal.