Options for Communication with BM?
DH and BM have had a toxic relationship for as long as I can remember and I'm sure before I even met DH. They can't communicate without fighting. To be honest, DH has gotten a million times better at not participating, going radio silent when bm starts throwing bombs, etc. Yay DH! However, lately it's gotten worse. I think because DH ignores her so she has upped her game.
DH is at the point of not wanting to email/text her at all because it gets answered with insults and anger. Nothing productive comes out of any of it.
DH asked BM if she would consider using our family wizard and he got a big no on that one. He is at the point of wanting all communication to go through his attorney, which I doubt his attorney will do and if so, will cost us a fortune.
Are there any other ways of communicating that limits the ability for name calling, fighting, etc.? What do you do if you can't send an email to even say, SK was sick from school today, without getting a book of insults and anger back.
Do you just stop? Or is there a third party?
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Kids are 8 and 6. 50/50
Kids are 8 and 6. 50/50 custody. He doesn't call her for everything, actually he hardly talks to her at all unless it's school or health related.
And they don't talk on the phone or during exchanges. they only talk by email or text otherwise bm would just start yelling.
I think the best option is the parallel parenting...and only communicating on very important things. DH has to give up on trying to coparent with her.
Yup. No need to communicate
Yup. No need to communicate unless it's a dire emergency. This is what I have to do with my ex, he is very abusive otherwise. My son is almost 16 so it's easy to do this now. I have blocked my ex from being able to call or text me. Bliss
He communicates the bare
He communicates the bare necessities. Period. If he is required to text/email that one of the kids is home sick, that's all that is needed. "Jr. is home sick this morning due to minor stomach bug'. End of story. Why bother to go back and forth about it? Why read a rambling response? What's for her to say other than 'ok' that's pertinent to the original communication?
In HC situations the CO needs to be front and center. If it's being followed there's nothing to fight and/or insult about. If he/she doesn't like the CO they can tell it to a judge and try to modify the current order. It's when a parent tries to work around the order, make temporary switches blah blah trouble brews. HC people aren't reasonable. One can't make exceptions when dealing with a HC parent... they don't play 'fair' and 'rules' of common courtesy doesn't apply to them.
I love that line, everyone
I love that line, everyone has a right to a peaceful life. Brilliant
" However, lately it's gotten
" However, lately it's gotten worse. I think because DH ignores her so she has upped her game."
This is absolutely what it is. This is the boundary testing that everyone talks about. Her usual tactics aren't working so she's thinking "what do I have to say to him to get him to bite?" That's why they're more frequent and outrageous.
Wait it out. It is SO SO SO important that he keeps ignoring her bullsh*t. Soon she'll be forced to accept the new state of affairs/boundary.
"What do you do if you can't send an email to even say, SK was sick from school today, without getting a book of insults and anger back."
You find a time machine, go back in time, pull your P out of the V, and rethink the decision to get the crazy lady pregnant.
Seriously. It doesn't matter if he's tired of it. These are the consequences of procreating with crazy. He cannot stop all communication. What he can do is stop expecting her to be someone she's not. Honestly, if he thinks he can get her to be nice by being polite, he's got another thing coming. She's high-conflict, and the high-conflict folks love ANY attention, even if it's negative attention. That's what she's doing. She wants him to engage with her because then she feels important and relevant to his life.
So, she's text book. He's got to accept that, depersonalize it even though she's accusing him of things and calling him names, and keep ignoring her bullshit. He knows she's going to respond badly to whatever he sends. Send it anyway and then ignore the bait that gets sent back.
It's not up to you about how
It's not up to you about how much communication he prefers to do. You're not him and you have no idea what their parenting plan says.
Apparently he wants to be able to communicate and my advice is targeted toward that.