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Maybe I need a different persepective on Skids

Thisisnotus's picture

Submitted by Thisisnotus on Mon, 09/30/2019 - 8:26am

So I've said it many times on here before....my issue with skids isn't personal to them. The issues with skids that drive me totally bat shit insane (and there are so many) are  almost 100 percent my DH's fault. Even the issues with BM, and the issues with MIL and pretty much anyone other thing...is b/c my DH won't stand up to anyone. I fully realize he alone is to blame.

That being said, I often catch myself wondering if there is a way I can not take it out on or blame skids.....I don't do anything in real life....it's just the venting here and maybe sometimes they can read my body language at home that I am annoyed....or whatever...I've never corrected them, told them what do, or tried to parent them.....not once in 4 years. But my blood still boils when they come over.....or if they ask DH for money....or well pretty much anything....so I'm not proud of that feeling.

Also, skids have never been rude to me....they are always kind and even thoughtul. They haven't even ever given me a dirty look and they really like me....alot. My  bios and skids get along like the best of friends and have never even once had an issue beteween them....skids are amazing to their baby sister.....they love her dearly.

Now...the reason for this post....BM rides skids A$$es nonstop...every single day. We always speculated but SD confessed to DH this weekend and I felt so bad for her. BM is a raging drunk....so every night about 10 PM she goes off on SD's....saying how awful their dad is (skids adore him), how awful I am and how I am not and will never be their step mom..(SD spoke up to BM and told her that yes in fact I am her step mom) ...and how the baby isn't really their sister.....says she is the only who cares about them and their best interest.....literally just name calling DH and I...the list of rants goes on and on.....and this has been going on for years....SD16 has just had enough....and the SD12 is just terrified and scared which is why she rarely sees her dad and won't sleep over...BM has terrified her.

SD16 prefers staying at our house...she sees it as safe, consistant, normal, etc.

So I did some serious thinking.....b/c honestly I felt bad for her. So what if instead of trying to disengage and instead of getting so angry and annoyed all the time....what if I try something new? SD respects me and likes me....so why don't I just ask her nicely...hey can you pick up your room tonight? Hey why don't we get your license? Or tell her no to things or yes to things...like I would my own kids. Or just communicate with her on things instead of sitting back silently and getting angry. She's looking for a positive female role model and I know she looks up to me.....I feel like maybe I should try it for a while...try to not be such an angry person.....I know my DH "should" be doing it all....but he is not and at the end of the day....teen girls and moms or step moms sometimes are more on the same page.

I haven't posting quite as much here b/c my DH is doing so much better....not perfect but so much improvement...I haven't been quite as angry so maybe this would help even more.

any thoughts? or am I just bored at work and have had too many cups of coffee.

Comments

blessedwithstress's picture

Submitted by blessedwithstress on Mon, 09/30/2019 - 9:29am

But my blood still boils when they come over.....or if they ask DH for money....or well pretty much anything....so I'm not proud of that feeling.

I know exactly how you feel. Your skids are basically good people but you're drowning in negativity brought on by things related to them. You're not a terrible person. It's good that you can recognize this is happening. Doesn't mean you can flip a switch and turn it off but it's a good first step toward handling it. ((hug))

Thisisnotus's picture

Submitted by Thisisnotus on Mon, 09/30/2019 - 9:46am

Yes!!! And thank you so much you nailed it......it is so refreshing to talk to people that get it and not think I'm totally crazy. HAHA.

 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Mon, 09/30/2019 - 11:16am

Start treating her as you treat your other kids.

But I hate to say that you are getting into the big money years.  The Car, The prom, college,   She knows BM will never spend money on buying her anything because she needs her money to drink with.  SD at the age where she can put that together 

Thisisnotus's picture

Submitted by Thisisnotus on Mon, 09/30/2019 - 12:15pm

Agreed. That is already an issue. BM is poor mouthing non stop but she keeps spending tons of money on whatever she wants.

DH already said NO to paying for a car....at least until she is 18 and CS ends and she is either a full time college student or has a full time job.....I got on board with that. College....we will have 5 all in college around the same time between us....so it's finanical aid and student loans...no other choice there for any of the kids.

But I see what you are saying.....I don't want it to equate to money...because I'm totally against DH having to fork out tons of CS while having skids half the time, pay for half of everything and then BM expects him to pay for everything else....so that is where it may be difficult. But maybe one doesn't have to equal the other.....or maybe it does...I don't really know.

I'm sort of trying to change my thinking and build a better relationship with skids instead of seeing them as enemies.....especially since they don't treat me like an enemy and never have.

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Mon, 09/30/2019 - 11:31am

If you are planning on changing how you interact with her, I would first discuss it with your husband to check if he is ok with this and if he will back you up on it (do you plan on trying to enfoce your requests if they are ignored?). Then if he agrees it is a good idea and if he wants to help you I might consider having an open conversation with your SD. I would outright tell her that you love her and feel your relationship has grown from where it started and that you would like to start treating her more like your own child and that will mean helping her with things but it will also mean asking and expecting her to carry out chores and checking up on her homework etc. 

As she is 16, I feel that a frank conversatioin that addresses changes going forwards could help to ease and explain the transition and also help start a dialogue.

Thisisnotus's picture

Submitted by Thisisnotus on Mon, 09/30/2019 - 12:39pm

Thanks! It wouldn't be anything over the top and I would ease into it. I've known her for over 5 years.....she is a people pleaser, polite, and would take my requests or take my lead on anything....mostly b/c she trusts me so I wouldn't take advantage. I'll approach it in a group setting....my teens and her...like hey ALL OF YOU......which also means my kids will have to step it up too.

I will talk to DH but he is oblivious to the whole thing...and he won't even know what I"m talking about ....lol

Lollybobs's picture

Submitted by Lollybobs on Mon, 09/30/2019 - 3:21pm

You sound as if you've got a pretty decent SD there who respects you, your relationship and family. I don't think you've got anything to lose by treating her the same as everyone else, and it sounds as if she might welcome it. Sure, there's bound to be some setbacks but if it works overall it will be nicer for everyone involved. Let us know how it goes.