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Feeling ambushed

this_is_me's picture

So we ended up having thanksgiving dinner at SILs bar. I wish I could say restaurant but quite frankly its a bar with a small amount of bar type foods being served. Anyways it was large enough for the 20ish people that were getting together and it got me out of having to host it at my house which was just assumed by MIL that I could just do that.... Even while pregnant and still in my 1st trimester more lovingly known as where I puke constantly. 

 

We pack up the kids and all of the food we are taking and we are off.When we get there we see some family friends have shown up with was a nice surprise. Everything seems to he going good. I avoid MIL like the plague so I can enjoy myself. My SD10 decides she wants to act up at dinner because the grandparents are there and she thinks she will be able to get away with it. Saddly that didn't work out well for her. SD has had a fairly constant issue when it comes to eating food. She is such an extremely pick eater that at 10.5 years old she weighs between 45 and 50 pounds and is still in a booster seat because of how dangerous it would be for her if we had a car accident and she was just in a regular seat. Her brother who is only 8 weighs roughly 70 pounds and does not have to sit in one anymore which is a whole other story of drama and grief from MIL. 

So SD goes through the food line with me and is saying no to everything being offered (mind you she eats these foods at home when there isn't an audience) I tell her she has to eat and to pick somethings to go on her plate. She finally gives in and we put 1 small slice of turkey on her plate 1 small slice of ham a table spoon of potatoes a tablespoon of rice a tablespoon of greens and a roll on her plate. I didn't try to make her eat large portions because I could already see the fight coming and I was trying to save us all the trouble. She of course wants none of it and is already saying she is full after eating the roll. Nope sorry girly sit your butt down and eat your dinner cuz your not getting anything else. 

Family friend sees the whole thing and watches it take her an additional 45 minutes to finally eat after pouting. So they come over to tell me I'm doing a good job as a mom and not to let it stress me out when she wants to act like that. Very nice of them but here comes the blindside...... I tell the friend she doesn't do this at home and at this point its because I didn't give her  only what she wanted and how if it had been a meal she picked she would have had 3 times that much and asked for more. FIL comes at me with this nasty attitude and asks if I'm not the same way and only eat what I like. I said no actually if someone takes the time to make me a meal I eat what is made regardless and even on days my family requests a meal I'm not foumd of I eat it as well. I cant afford to make every child in the house a meal they like plus feed myself and DH so sometimes we just have to eat what's made. He did not agree and felt I shouldnt make his grandkids eat things they don't like and I shouldn't send them to bed without something else if they choose not to eat it. 

I was dumbfounded! I have 5 children and 1 on the way and this old goat was trying to tell me I needed to raise them the way he thinks. All I could say was well that's not happening! No wonder SD has so many food issues they still seem to allow that kind of thing at their home when she is over and are encouraging it even. I havent even spoken to DH about it. I have no idea what he would say but I'm sure he would agree with me because he sees his daughter is the smallest person in her whole grade and knows she should eat more than just sweets and chips. 

Comments

twoviewpoints's picture

From the food that was available off the buffet line, what would SD have put on her plate (without you tagging behind her and insisting).... what would her pate have looked like if you just handed her an empty plate and told her to go get her meal? 

And would she have actually eaten what she self selected? 

this_is_me's picture

Probably the roll and pie. Might have gotten the piece of turkey but maybe not. Like I said she does much better at home but that's because there is no audience of grandparents telling her its ok not to eat anything she "doesn't like" even if ahe has had it 15 times before and liked it then. 

susanm's picture

Sounds like you have your hands full and can use a break.  Maybe FIL should have his beloved grandchildren delivered to him on a regular basis if he is so interested in how they are being raised?  Have fun, buddy!

this_is_me's picture

That's the issue. Before DH and I were together MIL watched them during the day and MIL and FIL always allowed them to do what they want when they want and never had any rules or consequences for poor behavior. If they didn't eat what was put in front of them he insisted something else was made for them. No bed times, no healthy food choices, nothing but unlimited unsupervised screen time on tv and internet. It was quite shocking to them when an adult who was keeping them (not dad he doesnt put up with that kind of nonsense) made them mind and didnt just give them anything and everything.

 

I will also add that DH is the one who told her she was going to eat what was on her plate when she tried to fuss with me about it. He is fantastic about having my back. He just wasn't there when FIL started his crap.

susanm's picture

Ugh.  I didn't realize they were the ones that created the problem.  I assumed that they were the kind of grandparents who liked to give their opinions freely but could not be bothered to actually help.  Gotta love the super-indulgent grandparents with no rules where the tv is always on and it rains cookies.  Do they just assume they will be dead by the time the kids are old enough to change from their "cute coddled kid" to "uncontrollable teen with a weight problem?"

SMB91's picture

As your friend said you’re doing a good job. Grandparents always seem to think this way mine did with my picky butt as a kid and so does my MIL and FIL when it comes to my SS3. He will eat with little to no fuss at home but when he has an audience or grandparents are around the show unfolds. I’ve been told to let him eat what he wants or just give him a little ice cream if he doesn’t want dinner yeah okay! Nope you eat what’s in front of you and that’s it. I’ve had his plate sit at the dinner table for hours until he’s said he was hungry and then ate his food. Sounds harsh but they will eat when they are hungry and it’s nipping bad behavior right in the butt.He gets brave and will ask for ice cream chips etc but I tell him only after he finishes dinner can he have a treat. My SO has finally gotten on board with it after months of fighting but he knows he needs to eat what’s given to him and not just junk. Keep your head up and don’t let it stress you. As you said he’s an old goat. 

 

this_is_me's picture

I'm so glad you are correcting this behavior at 3 and Not having to tackle it at 8 or 10.  The show gets bigger and louder the older they get. I figure maybe by this time next year it won't even be an issue anymore for us because she has come a long way its just the attention she gets for acting that way in front of the grandparents. 

We literally had mashed potatoes and salad with dinner last night and not a peep was said. Green stuff and potatoes exactly what she tried to refuse to eat on thanksgiving.

tog redux's picture

Honestly, it's not your job to make her eat when her father's there, and her grandparents.  I would have just let SD refuse to take any food and enjoy my dinner while DH dealt with her. Or if the grandparents want to deal with her, have at it!

this_is_me's picture

Actually it is my job along with their father. I knew what I was signing up for with my step kids when I started a relationship their dad.  I am the only mom they have and the only one they have ever known. Kid issues can be handled its when other adults who have no business trying to step in and parent over the parents when there is an issue. 

SMB91's picture

Thank you! It is our job to set rules and lead by example. And be their for our SO. Sometimes it’s easier for an outsider to see past the precious offsprings drama and set them straight. 

tog redux's picture

If you are in a mother role, that's different, I missed that.

I am not the kind of stepmother who believes I am a "bonus mom" just because I married their father. My SS has a mother and a father, and I'm not one of them. If I were in a public event with other parents/grandparents there, I would not feel it was my job to make the kid eat, it would be their job.

Saves a lot of stress, let me tell you.

 

this_is_me's picture

My step kids mom abandoned them before the youngest was even a year old. Just left one day and hasnt seen them since. He is almost 9 now and he calls me mom and tells everyone I am his mom. SD is exactly the same way (she had just turned 3 when biomom left). My in-laws are the ones who just cant seem to accept it. 

twoviewpoints's picture

The issue is that your DH allowed the grandparents to be too involved in-between the time BM left and you arrived.

The kids needed to be in daycare with other kids rather in spending so much time with people who indulged poor eating and behavior (junky food, too much tv blah blah). Didn't the run-away BM even give guardianship to these grandparents?

The bright side is the kids know better. As you stated once home it's right back to potatoes and salad. You're 'winning 99.99% of the time.  

 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

What does this child's physician say about her failure to thrive? Is she in therapy for this eating disorder? Why does she feel so out of control in her life that she feels the need to exert so much power during meal times?

SD tried the picky eating thing for a month or two ( I suspect BM told her she had a weight problem..she did not). I pulled DH aside and told him to straighten her out immediately because I would not have an anorexic in my home. I gave him a printout of all the health problems down the road from this type of behavior, especially in a growing child. The next time she came over, she ate like her normal self. No more issues. 

this_is_me's picture

Its not so much an eating disorder as much as a stubborn streak. I get her to eat everything on her plate now at home (and to her dislike out in public too) but she was allowed for quite some time to say no I dont want that I want xyz (insert crap food here) and 2 of the main adults in her life would give it to her.

Her doctor did sit her down and tell her she is under weight and needs to be sure to eat more. SD is also very active and burns her food off quickly as did her bio mom so it is in her genetics to be a slinder person but the picky eating doesnt help. They don't feel she has an eating disorder just that she likes what she likes and has been over indulged for too long and that needs to stop. 

Maxwell09's picture

I would only suggest you let dad take her to fix her plate that way he can deal with it and be blamed by his own parents for when things go south as they usually do during the holidays.