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The PAS Pattern

thinkthrice's picture

I posted this within another blog, however wondering if anyone else notices this pattern as an NCP SM:

 

1. BM withholds visitation because she wants to "punish" biodad for moving on (this is when the foothold of PAS starts)

2. BM starts dating again and can't wait to dump off the little "angels" (this period is marked by ample visitation and disneydadding which heightens disrespect for biodad and SM)  BM makes sure to interrogate skids for further "evidence" needed against biodad and SM down the road.  CPS is often called during this period on biodad.

3.  BM finds "the one" and announces to skids that her new man is the new "daddy."  (PAS continues)

4.  BM starts withholding visitation again only through the skids with phoney baloney excuses (skids can't come to visitation due to the 4 times each month "annual" reunion with BM's side of the family, National Donut Day, etc. etc--PAS ramps up)

5.  At this point biodad has "Options": 

a. spend mountainous amounts of cash (that he doesn't have after paying massive CS) to "fight" for his kids (aka enforce basic visitation) 

b. spend astronomic amounts of cash (that he doesn't have after paying massive CS) to try and get custody--if he wins which odds are he won't, skids go running back to the house of no rules aka BM's anyway) 

c. slowly submit to the "machine" and drop the rope hoping that one day skids will "see the light"

 

 

Comments

Thumper's picture

Yes Ma'am.

I LOVE particularly number 4. Ours was "church activities with Grandma Gulch", "movies with Grandma Gulch", AND, ever possible sporting activity under the sun all year round.  

this is why it is sooooooo important to inform newbies of this junk. Poor NCP think they are the only ones. Sad

"Think"--it is the same story over and over again with different names.

I would like attorneys to step UP and tell their clients....Hey, I see this all the time. Do not waiver from court order...your child needs you. I am here to help you continue to have YOUR RIGHTS. I will send BM's lawyer a letter and tel lher to buzz off...OK Dad?

Very very disappointing.

 

thinkthrice's picture

"bury me in a Y-shaped coffin" BM, Battleaxe are also "church ladies"   There was always a "church function" to go to.

The Attorney would conclude that sentence with "That'll be a $1150 retainer, please"

strugglingSM's picture

We're paying a $6000 retainer for a threatened mediation from BM to reduce visitation time for one SS...a mediation that will likely never happen, because I don't think BM is actually paying the person she claims is her attorney. 

LuluOnce's picture

I see your $6000 retainer and raise you an additional $5000 -- roughly $350 per hour out-of-pocket cost to the mediator for when BM does show up. Ugh. It hurts... LOL. 

(We haven't made it to the mediator this time yet. I'm just going off of the previous times we've paid for this particular honor.)

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Correction on 5.A

A father doesn’t have to spend tons of money. You can file for contempt without a lawyer you just have to learn how to do so. It’s not easy by any means but it can happen and if you’re dealing with a high conflict bio-parent you’re going to need to learn to do this quick.

Alienation is abuse, plain and simple it is emotional abuse and harms the child long term. A parent who walks away because of money alone allows their child to be abused.

Learn how to use the court system and file contempt every single time.

Cover1W's picture

With BM, my opinion, and DH's too, it's not about another person (me) or for her (she doesn't date - I have my theories on this but she's never had a relationship - at least an "out" relationship since she divorced DH...but I digress).  Rather, it's about control - plain and simple.  DH has talked about this issue when they were together; having things her way, her choice or she'd pout.  Very little communication or conflict resolution skills.  Which is why I always question him when he says he wants to discuss the situation with SD15 with her - I mean, why?  Has she every done so?  No. 

The good thing is he's been putting his foot down with SD12.  Letting BM know she's doing this or she's staying here tonight, stop asking for permission because if she issues directives, he can too.

 

strugglingSM's picture

I too have had many conversations with DH about why he feels that whatever current issue he sees is the one that is going to inspire BM to actually co-parent with him, rather than her usual response of telling him that he only sees that as an issue because he "hates" her and wants to make her feel bad. 

For example, one SS has had an F all year in math. DH said he was going to talk to BM about it, I asked him why, because when he's talked to her about other schooling issues (like the fact that this SS does no homework), she always responds by saying that either a) DH is only raising this issue because he hates her; b) *I* need to realize that she is an excellent mother (implying that I am raising the issue, because of course, DH would never care about it on his own); c) telling him whatever the issue is, is his fault anyway. 

I suggested that he talk to SS about his grades, if he wanted to discuss them with someone, rather than including BM in his conversation since she's zero help and will only try to create a big scene about how mean DH is to her. 

Thumper's picture

Clover

Maybe you didn't know this. Pathogenic Parenting is a re-enactment of trauma.  Often times it stems back a few generations.

Look at the family history OF the person who is active in "Alienation'. You will find answers there within that dynamic.

 

 

strugglingSM's picture

This is definitely true in my case. DH has told me how BM was always worried that her parents didn't spend enough time with SSs, because her mother is also likely borderline, so BM has the same complicated, guilt-driven, messed up relationship with her mother that she is creating with her kids. The difference for BM is that she can use DH as the target of her anger, whereas, BM's parents never divorced (even though according to DH, they have a dysfunctional, abusive relationship (with BM's mother as the abuser)), so BM's mother couldn't use BM's father as the target of all of her anger. 

I once told DH that I thought that lots of BM's flailing had to do with the fact that she doesn't feel loved by her parents. I should feel more empathy towards her, but I won't because she's a terrible person and she's also an adult, so she can process through her own issues without my help. 

tog redux's picture

Our pattern was not really about me, at all, at least not me as a PERSON, certainly about DH moving on though. BM never targeted me and SS liked me.

Basically BM wanted to control every aspect of everything that related to SS ever, and DH wouldn't allow that. ALSO, SS learned early to play them both against each other and that created a lot of the conflict and chaos.  I think essentially, BM wants to use SS to control DH, and SS and she are completely enmeshed.

thinkthrice's picture

and enmeshment go without saying.  They are all part and parcel of the PAS.

Ispofacto's picture

PAS starts long before the DH moves on.

DH was so incompetent, BM had to call him 10x/day, every day, to micromanage him.  And she was already badmouthing and coaching SD long before I came into the picture.