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thinkthrice's picture

Whatever did your SO/DH SEE in the BM(s) in the first place?

I'll start.  The Girhippo's boobs were at Chef's eye level.


advice.only2's picture

Lol!  Meth Mouth used to be pretty and popular and that's all DH required at that point in his life.  

Evil4's picture

BM love bombed H and since he was raised by his narc grandmother, he didn't see the signs that BM is a narc. She was also drop dead gorgeous. I'm sure that helped.

thinkthrice's picture

Have a chance at being good looking then.   Without makeup, the Gir is extremely plain except for her teeth apre braces.

The boys are hideous versions of the Gir sans makeup.  SD actually has Chef's coloring and can be attractive (except for the ultra thin lips).

PetSpoiler's picture

I don't think he exactly saw anything in her. He was just a dumb teenager who apparently wasn't given any guidance nor did he seem to have any standards.  And  she was there.  She was also a very convincing liar.  Bad combination.  

grannyd's picture

The BM, according to reliable informants, was orally capable of detaching the rust from a trailer hitch. She was also blond and top-heavy. When she became pregnant, DH assumed that a lusty life was all but guaranteed yet, on his wedding night (and to quote a ‘Rolling Stones’ tune), “When I touched her, my hand just froze!" 


24 years as a SM's picture

Bio Ho was living in the same apartment building as DAH, didn't any power in her apartment. DAH let her stay at his place while he was out on the road and things went from there. Some of the stories DAH told me, made me want to slap him up side the head. Stupid man was only thinking with his little head, no the big head.

MissK03's picture

Honestly not sure... They were young, she wanted the picture perfect family... kids, nice house, she was a stay at home mom for 4 years...clearly that didn't work out and look where SO is at now.. 

Everyone says "she was so different." YEAH! Because she was 18 (SO was 21) got married two years later, had SS17 at 23 (SO 26) banged out 2 more kids in under 3 years.. what did you all think was going to happen LOL. 

We have never really discussed the "good" portion of his marriage. I think he missed (admits to some) all the red flags. The biggest one that I know about.... she had no real friends. RED FLAG!! Haha.

GrudgingSM's picture

Wounded bird and rescuer dynamic. And honestly I'm guilty of the same. I just kept thinking if I could just love my ex harder or support him more or help him believe on himself enough, he'd turn things around. Sigh. 

ndc's picture

DH was deployed overseas - there weren't a lot of women around.  BM is a very attractive woman, but she and DH were not particularly compatible and got married because BM got pregnant.

Lifer33's picture

Apparently when dh met bm her parents marriage breakup was taking its toll on her. Dh and his parents to the rescue! 

At that point she was also slim, pretty and 'shy' (I always start to chuckle there) now she's er, none of those things. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

My DH was the eldest child and only son of an alcoholic mom, and had to watch helplessly while she spiraled. There was constant drama, multiple bfs/husbands, domestic violence, and neglect of him and his younger sisters - all the ingredients for a Rescuer Complex and assortment of unhealthy coping mechanisms.

BM1 was the first girl he ever had sex with, from a family even more screwy than his own. She gave him sex and attention, and he got to rescue her. She was also all about drama and conflict, which felt comfortable to him. Two teens from dysfunctional families, what could go wrong? He was divorced with two kids by twenty-one.

BM2 saw DH as an easy mark because he WAS one - arrogant, damaged and vulnerable. She was a maneating parasite; the sort women can easily spot but men never can. A product of the foster system and multigenerational mental illness, five years older than DH and divorced with two kids, BM2 was a cunning dirty bomb. She was pretty, feminine, and soft spoken on the outside while crazier than a bag of cats on the inside. (During the court, she made it a point to show up in flowery Laura Ashley type dresses hemmed short to show her legs, spoke in a soft, shy voice and acted like a frightened fawn. BARF) Per the pattern, she was high drama, needed saving, and needed a man. DH willingly walked into her web and ended up working two full time jobs to support her and her kids plus pay c.s. for his two kids by BM1, while she banked her welfare and c.s. When BM2 had a "surprise" pregnancy, DH was well and truly trapped.

We met at a point when DH was in his thirties and finally starting to catch a clue. He lacked self awareness, but had finally cut his mother off, left BM2, distanced himself from his family, and was trying to create a better life for himself. Ours is the first equal partnership he'd ever experienced, so I guess I saved him.

Periodically I'm reminded of what DH experienced and how much he's overcome. We drove past an old strip mall not long ago, and he shared how there used to be a bar there. The bartender had called him around lunch time, saying his mother was plastered and needed a ride home. He told the story as if it was the most normal thing, even mentioning that the bartender was cute. Tales like that remind me why I disengaged, and why I need to keep my walls thick and high.


Dc3sc2's picture

I think my dh was in a bad place mentally his ex cheated on him and bm was there giving him attention. She was the 1 to ask him to marry her and in his own words "just seemed like that's what your meant to do." Didn't seem like anything special the way he tells it but maybe that's because he's telling me. 

halo1998's picture

Beaver is excellent at mirroring...a hallmark of borderline Personality disorder.  She saw DH as an excellent meal ticket and set about to make him love her. She became everything he wanted, liked everything he liked  and was everywhere he was. 

DH was young and tired of the player life and wanted to settle down. Dh wanted to have a stable life that was different from his childhood where his father was alcoholic.  Beaver seemed like the perfect mate all with big boobs (although she had the big rear to go with them)...till they married.  Before marriage they agreed Beaver would keep working while DH attended college.  That they would wait three years to have kids so they could make sure the marriage was stable.  They would not buy a house till DH was done with college and then move somewhere away from the midwest

Within in a year..Beaver quit her job to be a stay at home wife, got pregnant (she legit tricked DH...she was on birth control pills but took anitbiotics knowing they would decrease the effectiveness and didn't tell DH so he could wrap it ). Then because she was pg....Dh bought her a house and worked full time and went to school full time.  When he graduated college he had offers from all over the country but Beaver refused to move.  Beaver also couldn't keep up the facade and didn't really like anything DH liked, etc. the end DH was like his father, spent all his time in a bar with Beaver at home with SS. (GWR)



ExhaustedByItAll's picture

She put on the act. She played nice, pretended to be someone she wasn't. All of his interests, "I love that! That's my favorite!" He wanted to settle down and start a family and thought, "why not? We have so much in common, she's nice and wants that too" He had good money for someone his age, and he was an easy mark. She played the damsel in distress, her previous BF was abusive! Her parents were abusive!

They were only together for 3 months before she got preggers with SD while telling him she was on the pill. This appears to be her MO though, looks like she did the same to ex-sucker #2, all new hobbies! and she's working on sucker #3 now, she's taken on his pastime as well. I wonder how long til the pregnancy announcement, gotta nail down that child support until retirement kicks in!

agitated's picture

to party. It was after their child was born and she didn't want to stop partying that sealed the deal for him. SD18 has lived with him/us full-time since she was 2 (I came into the picutre when she was 4). For the record she is now 40 and has not changed one bit in 18 years. 

ESMOD's picture

His EX was pretty.. and she is very good at "getting a job".. whether it be a new employment position or a new SO.. (of the good provider variety).  

He said, he actually realized there was something wrong on the day they got married but he brushed it off to wedding day jitters... 

The thing is that he went ahead and had two kids with her.. at least one of them was planned.. so like I tell other people.. take some of what your SO says with a grain of salt.. sure.. he said he had misgivings the day they got married.. but that didn't mean he didn't try to make it work for years... 


Ispofacto's picture

Satan is proof that sociopaths are not necessarily intelligent.

She is a gold digger, and DH was her mark.  I mean, he makes a good living, but he's not exactly a one-percenter.  I've seen gold diggers way more successful than she.  But then, she's not very attractive, and she seems to know that on some level, even though she acts like a queen bee.  And she's most likely the world's laziest psychopath.  I could tell so many stories if I had the time.

Aside from the Satan/Killjoy baggage, DH is a catch, but he doesn't know it.  He has a very old childhood scar that he thinks makes him unattractive.  He's actually very handsome, he looks like a clean cut, slightly out of shape Jason Momoa, tall, broad shouldered, beefy.  And kind, sweet, hard working, committed, even-tempered, patient, funny.  He's super modest though, too trusting, naive, and maybe a little shy?  FIL is high conflict, so DH was trained to put up with a lot.

Satan first saw him when he was moving into the apartment across the courtyard in the same complex.  The first thing she noted was FIL's beemer.  Then her friend mentioned how cute he was, and that's when Satan decided she had to have him.  Her VIP status is everything to her.

She was a townie with a few friends.  Turns out they were attached to her money, which wasn't really hers.  It's another long story, but she had all the trappings of yuppie weath without actually owning it, making her seem much older and hard-working than she was.  Because she was already grifting someone else.  DH didn't ask how old she was, she was just 18.  She wasn't obese back then.

DH was around 26ish.  College grad, good job, new to town, no local friends.  SIL had just married.  It was time to settle down.

She came after him, offered to barbeque for him, parties, friends.  Magically she loved all the same things.  It was all a lie.

DH's exMIL knew how much money he made before she learned his name.  MIL and SIL tried to warn him, and he noticed some things, but he's a rescuer, and he takes his committments seriously.

The formula was: continue grifting Victim0, get DH to marry her, produce one child, name said child Paycheck, bankrupt DH, divorce him, get all his assets, including his home equity, collect CS, skim extras off the top, go on disability, put Paycheck on disability, collect CS and extras forever, find a new Mealticket, keep his income too.

Her plan fell apart when Victim0 died, then she stupidly/lazily lost custody of Paycheck/Killjoy.  Then Mealticket dumped her too, and since she was too lazy to have another child with him, she won't get anything out of him.  That's another long, hilarious story.

Now she has to live on her pittance from SSDI.  She "worked" the bare minimum to get that benefit, so she got the minimum benefit.  It was her life's ambition.

Her new plan is to live off Killjoy.  That should be entertaining.  Satan is completely open about this goal, like it's perfectly normal.

She recently got evicted from her apartment.  She took advantage of the eviction moratorium to shaft her landlord for a year, so she blew all her rent money on who knows what, you can be sure she didn't bank a penny of it.  She also sold her landlord's appliances.  They took her to court, but they can't collect.  She cleaned all the valuables out of her neighbor's apartment after the old lady died.  I'm curious if the lady died of natural causes.  That's how dispicable Satan is.  She told exMIL that she has cancer, again, asked her for the money for a new security deposit.  I could go on forever.

She thinks all this is perfectly normal.  According to exMIL, when Satan found out DH and I are separated but not divorced, her response was "Of course, they have to be married 10 years before Ipso can take his SSI".  Yeah, that's how everyone thinks.  No one marries for love.  And it seems totally lost on her that I make about the same money he does.  I bet she's green, thinking he's supporting me.

I bet she regrets that she wasn't married to him for 10 years.  She couldn't hide her ass that long.  As I said: stupid, lazy.


thinkthrice's picture


Chef kind of looks like Mike Holmes the rennovation guy

CLove's picture

Oh boy! Well Toxic Troll reeled him in, because she was at that time thin with extra large double D's. And like another commenter mentions more creatively that I could, prided herself on her abilities to please a man. She was with a guy, at the time she met DH. They were all doing a LOT of coke back in that day (80's) and she pursued him, showing up on his doorstep to "see him", while still living with guy#1.

DH is a rock, a very solid guy. Even when he was in his 20's and spiralling out of control he was still employed. He and she did their recovery together. 

She "wasnt supposed to be able to get pregnant", but several miscarriages later, and 2 kiddos later I guess we all know that was a lie. So no protection. When the kids came along, thats when she started "getting crazy", drinking excessively, and passing out in puddles of her own puke and the kids would find her like this. She had been a stay at home mother the first few years of each kids life and worked sporadically with autistic children. It was when Munchkin was a toddler that things started to unravel in a big way.

They were together 20 years, but he said 15 were good (?). When he was told about her "online dudes" by a friend of hers, he decided that would be a great reason to leave her, so he moved her out.

I STILL have no freaking clue what the heck was so great about her. She doesnt really have friends, she doesnt really do anything, shes kinda dumb. Shes now considered to be morbidly obese. Shes crazy and lies constantly - that didnt happen overnight.

I think DH just got caught up in the whole family thing, was comfortable and lost sight of a better life. When you are caught up in survival mode, you dont look around much beyond making ends meet and keeping your family fed. 


caninelover's picture

SO and Darth Vader (BM) got married when he was 23 and she was 21 - so really young.  Her mental health issues didn't really emerge until her early 30's or so and worsened after the birth of her 3rd child (Bratty) where she had a severe bout of post-partem depression.

I once saw their wedding picture - she was young, thin and pretty then.  I've seen her recently and she is middle-aged and overweight.  I have definitely aged better if I do say so myself!