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Poll ~Mothers~

Thetis's picture

How many of you Stepmoms feel that being a SM makes you a mother?


Thetis's picture

I think that since Sd is soo young and I was watching her for Dh's access that I have earn my posistion as a mother figure.
Maybe if the girl was older and didn't need some one to change her/feed her ect then I wouldn't feel this way.

Totalybogus's picture

There are too many variables to this question to answer it. It really depends on how much "parenting" a stepmother does with her stepchild, especially the custodial stepmoms or stepmoms that have a bm that is not actively engaged in the raising of her child even though the child might live with her and not the stepmom.

I had a mother/child relationship with my x-husband's daughter. She lived with her mother originally, but the woman was crazy and not engaged in her child's life. Eventually that child came to live with us and I became a custodial stepmom. I raised her so therefore, yes, I considered myself to be a mother figure to her.

My current husband's children do not live with us and even though I don't necessarily agree with the way his x parents her children, she is engaged in their lives. I do not have any bond really with these children. So no, I don't feel like my relationship with them makes me a mother.

LotusFlower's picture

I agree with TB...I am a mother because I had to be....when BM decided she didn't want to be a Mom anymore...I became a custodial SM....if my skids were living with the BM and my interaction with them was limited, and they were influenced by her, I don't think I would feel the motherly bond I have with my skids today....

Pantera's picture

I used to because I have my SS full time. I don't feel that way anymore. I've disengaged.

Abalyn's picture

Nope. I'm a custodial SM and have two of my own. I feel like a mother to my two, but not at all to SD. I do more for her than either of her parents - cook, clean, take to activities, help with homework, teach manners/lessons, read bedtime stories, kiss boo-boos, and on and on. I still don't feel like her mother.

I'm guessing you don't have kids of your own?

PoisonApples's picture

I'm a mother to my biological children but I am not, and never will be a mother to my stepchildren.

It's different.

They aren't a part of me. They have too much of the influence of their mother in them. It is not the same as with my own. I have a bond with them but it's not at all like the bond with my own children.

When your child is born you'll understand.

Thetis's picture

I'm working on the "kid of your own".

I was just wondering about this because even though I don't think of myself as Sds mother, I do consider myself a Mother Figure. KWIM?
She will probably never call me mom, and I'm ok with that. But when she is older and raising a family of her own my influence will be with her as well as her moms. I think a good mother figure can be just as important in a childs life as a mom. Normally, and ideally, the mother would be the good mother figure but that doesn't always happen. (The same thing can be said for father figures!)

unhappy2happy's picture

I agree Thetis You are a very good mother figure... And you will make an amazing MOM to your new little one very soon..

Cdngirl's picture

We have my SD full time and she rarely goes to her mothers. I do not consider myself her mother, but I am her parent if that makes any sense. I don't have that bond with her, but I want her to be the best person that she could possibly be and I treat her how I would treat any child.

NachoMama's picture

I don't really feel like a mother to Chapoopa or Mrs.Priss...nor do I want to. And I don't know that I feel like a mother to Frito...but he and I do share a special bond that gets stronger all the time! I hope that if anything were to ever happen between DH and I, that Frito would feel that I was still family and he could come to me if he needed me!

unhappy2happy's picture

Yes I am a mother figure to my Skids.. when they were little, I cooked, cleaned,washed their cloths, bought their cloths, watched SD ballet recitals, supported them and all their activities both financially and emotionally. I cleaned up puke, wiped snotty noses and all the other things mothers do... So yep I am not their natural Mother and never will be.. But I am and will always be their SM whether BM likes it or not...

luckykell's picture

I am not SD5's mother. However, I am a mother as in I do all the motherly things while she is under mine and FDH's care. So it's kinda of a "I'm A mother, not THE mother".

Denial's picture

I never felt like a mother until I had my own son 10 months ago, even though I was a mother figure to SS16.

The relationship with him has been difficult as both my DH and SS's BM did the guilty parent thing. He learned early on he could manipulate. It wasn't until recently, after months of counseling, that my DH stopped. Unfortunately at 16, his personality was already molded somewhat.

I always tried to guide and talk to him as a mother figure, but it didn't make any difference - I was the evil woman keeping his father from spending every last dime on him and giving into his every whim.

TheWife's picture

I am a mother, both because I have carried two children to full term/nearly full term, and because I am a Mother to my SD.

Denial's picture

Good to see you TW! (it's me 1Life-changed user name for a variety of reasons). Hope you are well.

stormabruin's picture

When I first met DH & skids, BM was not around. DH had been raising them on his own. I did feel I was a mother figure for them. They missed BM terribly, & I'd hoped to be someone they could turn to for comfort & guidance. They were very young. When BM came back around, it was like I never existed. I don't see myself as a mother figure at this point because we never see them, but I do still love them dearly & will always be available to them, should they decide to accept me again. I think what changed the way I felt about my place in their lives was that they were open to the love & encouragement they didn't get from BM. Now, they're not.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

I don't have any biological kids so I don't get to experience the different feelings towards a bio and a step.

I am a custodial step mom. There is no question that I do more with and for my stepson than his mother does. I look out for his well being. I put his needs first. I always think about his schedule first, then my own. His mother does none of this. She puts herself and her needs first above everything else.

My ss doesn't even want to go to see his mom anymore.(but he is forced to go) She has shown to him that his feelings are of little importance to her.

I know I'm not his mother. To me, I think I look at it as him being my adopted child.

So yes, Bm gets to pull ranks occasionally because she gave birth to him, but guess what? In the long run, I am the one with a better relationship with him. So, who cares what DNA he has!


Dawn-Moderator's picture

Thank you. It did take me awhile to come to this place but here I am and it's cool!


overmyhead's picture

I wish I could be, but whenever it gets close, we get sabotaged!!I could be a mother to any child, its just how I am.

armywife72's picture

this is how I feel. I don't want to ever be mean or rude but with all the drama attached to SS, BM and my DH's past life as a whole, I do not think it's possible for me to feel that kind of love.

steppinginsf's picture

I am not SS's "mother-" I do "mothering" kinds of things, but don't ever want that, would never expect that from him, and don't want that pressure on me either. I think I am more of a "parent," and do hope that he and I continue to develop our relationship and that he continues to share important things with me. But me doing his laundry, driving carpools, going to recitals, etc. does not make me his "mother," in any sense.

HeatherM's picture

I am my biokids mother...and a good one. I tried in the beginning to be a 'mother' type to my stepson...but no way...I'm not this kids mother... nope, nadda, never. I think having this expectation set me up for a lot of disappointments, and I'm not sure why I had the expectation in the first place...probably because I do everything for this kid that his mother SHOULD do... but whatever... I'm passed the fantasy...I'm his babysitter, Nanny, Camp counsellor... something along those lines. I've disengaged to a point. I still take care of him..because he's a kid... but I will never feel the same way about him, and I'll never get any sort of credit for what I do for him.... I used to jump in and 'help' his parents...enroll him in things, plan birthday parties, take him to doctors appointments, find daycare for him... not anymore... I don't care if his parents are too am I. I'll 'help' out come blow up balloons..but I will not plan, purchase, or take time out of my schedule anymore. Whenever something comes up I gently remind DH to call BM and arrange things with her...afterall I say.."it's between you guys, it's your responsibility"