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Does this need a response or should he just ignore?

theoutsider's picture

This is a re-post from the forum, I just want more eyes to see it, I want comments.

BM sent this after she got off the phone tonight with the kids. This is the first time she has gotten to call our landline...,... Does it call for a response? Or just ignore? EVERYTHING BM says in this is complete fabrication!

"(MY BOYFRIEND ALL IN CAPS),

When I got to speak ro (12yogirl) on the phone tonight, I asked her "how was school today?" she replied by asking me if I had found out anything from the doctor yet about her foot? I replied " yes, (girl), the doctor called me yesterday and said you were cleared for PE & practice. I emailed your coach & your dad and he emailed me back saying that he had already talked to the dr. Did you not go to practice tonight?"

I just simply asked our daughter a question! Your girlfriend has no right to interfere with my conversations with our children! Nor, does she have the right to upset our children by yelling at them about things that, for one,
don't happen, two, are not their fault and if they did/do it would not be in there control!!!

I am extremely disappointed in you! I can't believe that you would allow someone to treat our children that way! They deserve much better!!!"

Then 20 min later

"(My boyfriend, now in lower case),

Part 2

I asked 2 different times to speak to you tonight, by calling the landline as well as your cell. Your girlfriend refused to allow you to speak to me. She continued to bark at (12yogirl), telling her what she and her mother could and could not speak of and whom is not allowed to speak.

This again is why there is a BREAKDOWN IN COMMUNICATION!

I am willing to speak to YOU anytime, in person or even on the phone. I have told you this before in previous emails. I am not comfortable with communicating solely through email. I do not know who is on the other end typing the emails. There has been multiple emails that you have not been made aware of or that you were not aware of the fact that "you" sent them. I only say this per our phone conversation in the morning 2 weeks ago."

The only true part of this is the the kids tried to hand off the phone to me once and their dad twice and we wouldn't take the phone. AND that HE has said mulyiple times he will not talk to her on the phone, email only.

Does this need a response? Or ignore?

Comments

theoutsider's picture

Oh, that was already addressed in another email...So BM already knows.

whatwasithinkin's picture

First the email wasnt written to you so you really have zero right to respond.

Second and I say this very lightly because I am only previ to what you write here but let me share my experience with you.

I will not speak to my ex husband when his wife is present. A hello how are you chit chat yes. But conversations in regards to money, visitation, schooling, extra curricular ect, no. My daughters will not speak to their father in reference to anything that is a family matter in front of his wife.

Why you ask? Because we caught her writting his responses to my emails, to both me and my girls. She also could not refrain from injecting her opinion in the back round of phone calls. We found out about the emails when the ex had no idea they were sent.

If there is any truth in what this women is saying I suggest you back off. If you ask my children they will articulate to you as young adults how much respect they have lost for their father over the last year with this very situation.

If this is BM's conception of things, something needs to change in the way your DH commumicates with her so that she can be assured that decisions are being made by HIM (even if behind closed doors you have input)

theoutsider's picture

He and I were talking to each other while the girl was on the phone but not about the kids or BM, she just heard our voices.
I actually just had surgery monday and he and I were talking about my surgery and lifting limitations and him cleaning up after supper... Nothing in the direction of the girl...
T
BM has accused me of writing emails in the past, but only because my boyfriend has consulted him lawyer on communications and his writing style has since changed dramatically...

theoutsider's picture

Oh that made me giggle,...

He really didn't have a spine when I met him,....but only when it came to BM, it took me saying, "Wow, you are such a strong man in every area of your life, you don't take shit from anyone EVER,...but you bend over backward for BM and you let her get away with murder. It is SOOOO against your character it scares me."

Then he "suddenly decided" he was going to set boundaries.

lil_lady's picture

nothing but the truth...and really funny! My BM does this all the time. Now that SO has a backbone with her its all my fault and I "tell him what to say" because he was never like this before... Ignore it. BM is losing co trol and she is trying to get it back. The longer you two stick to your guns and remain calm the more she will fly of the handle and try to engage you and DH.

theoutsider's picture

I guess I have never told him I don't want to see the emails. He just shows them to me. Especially if they are funny or ridiculous. He also asks my opinion too, and I USED to edit them before hew consulted his lawyer...

And I guess I like sharing them on here too...

twoviewpoints's picture

The phone calls will continue to be an issue. It's actually something that should be addressed while BM/BF is negotiating the CO/parenting plan. For example, if skids are suppose to have 3 phone calls a week/weekend (whatever) for 30 minute duration total (not per kid), IMO unless these are ordered supervised calls, I'd leave the room during calls.

IMO calls should be between parent and child without opposite parent (or any stepparents) sitting around listening to conversation. Two reasons 1)this is agreed to calls that BM gets to make and then BF makes when kids are in opposite house. It's so kids can talk to parent 2)this should not be the time to ask to speak to opposite parent. It should not be the time either that anything/everything said in conversation means an immediate discussion/explanation from opposite parent. If the parent isn't sitting there and isn't listening it stops the ability for kid to try and hand phone over. It also forces the proper means of the two parents communicating via the agreed route aka email.

I'm not saying you (OP) did anything wrong blah blah blah, I'm saying don't set yourself up to be the target or in the middle of the phone games. Take that 30 minutes BM and kids are on phone and go sit somewhere with BF to have a quiet 30 catch up with each other or something like this that you don't usually get a chance to do until the little darlings go to bed.

"I" wouldn't play middleman over the phone for BF (not saying you did), don't answer BM's calls for BF. If BF is only communicating via email let BF decide if he's picking up the phone or not. Don't get into the position where BM can accuse you of being the evil one who refuses to allow BF to do this or that. If this lady is blowing your landline off the hook, turn the ringer down and ignore if BF isn't accepting her calls. There is lots of changing and doing things differently that BM obviously doesn't like and is going to take her time to realize she must follow. Like emails. Or the fact BF isn't available 24/7 when she demands a verbal talk.

When BM emails/texts BF, let BF handle it. He either chooses to answer or not. If would not send/respond to emails in place of my DH. If DH asked me to help word, that's ok, but let BF do the communicating. You have better things to do, I'm sure, than be stressed or annoyed by his ex. It's his crazy BM, make him do the task. There should also be some time allowance between arrival of email and a reasonable length of time before a required answer. It shouldn't be here comes email and immediate answer within 20 minutes expected. BF might suggest 24 hours or something like that. Unless there is a true emergency neither parent should be on 24/7 standby to discuss and respond to the opposite parent. Several parents/steps here talk about the family wizard program (or whatever it's called) to communicate and note necessities , it might be something that your BF would find to settle all the communication 'breakdowns' (it would cover BF's buns the next time BM squeals 'breakdown' because all the notations are documented and viewable).

theoutsider's picture

Phones HAS been an issue for about two years now, because he is setting limits.

BUT he has offered BM on multiple occasions that they can put into the court order phone call boundaries to ensure that (the kids) are available when she calls.

Her last flip out was a couple weeks ago with phone calls, when she threatened him in email, saying he NEVER lets her talk to the kids and she called 4 times on his cell phone and he wouldn't answer. (He sent a very nice email offering the CO phone calls again and saying it would help situations like this one to know she was planning to call and let her know there was a conflict, like this one when we were attending a funeral)

MamaDuck's picture

Just touching on what twoviewpoints and ripplyV2 have said, I agree with them that you shouldn't be around when the girls are on the phone to crazy a$$ BM, and I say that with YOUR best interest in mind..

If this BM is a high-conflict personality (and it sounds like she is) her view of the world where you and your BF are concerned is NOT based on facts and reality, it is based on HER FEELINGS! So when she hears your "lovely sing-song happy voice" in the background around "HER" children, it is going to upset her, her emotions will go through the roof and therefore she needs to come up with a story to justify her intense out-of-whack emotions, which explains the email full of bullsh!t. My SD's BM is the same, she gets over the f***ing moon upset when she hears me around "HER DD". I always leave the room when SD is on the phone the BM, to keep ME safe from crazy, not to give BM "what she wants". In order to keep these BM's from trying to suck us down their crazy drain, it's best if we just try to stay out of the picture as much as possible.

I agree with the above comment about responding to the medical stuff, but the BF should absolutely ignore the rest.

theoutsider's picture

UPDATE:

My boyfriend just came home(I had surgery Monday so am still on leave) and he showed me a text message from BM basically saying "I sent you 2 emails last night, if they've disappeared and you didn't get to read them, let me know and I'll send them again. The kids tell me they are unhappy with (outsider around) (Outsider) treats them like shit and I've witnessed it. As far as our kids are concerned that's my business. These are my kids"

MamaDuck's picture

Oh lawd! I really do feel for you! She's def a high-conflict nutcase. Ignore again. You and your BF know the truth, that's all that matters Smile

theoutsider's picture

Thanks for the book suggestions! We just read BIFF by Bill Eddy and I read Stepmonster, both suggested by this site. Thanks so much!