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BM wants to have a coffee/drink with me?? why??

TheOtherWomen's picture

Submitted by TheOtherWomen on Sun, 09/15/2013 - 6:16am

DFH just informed me that the BM of SD6 wishes to have a chat with me. OK...

for starters we have nothing in common. We are two completely people.
Where did this come from? and why now?
I still feel completely uncomfortable around her (not her issue, this is my own issue which I'm currently discussing through my counselling sessions). She's not the easiest, warming person i've met to talk to (regardless of the current situation).
What could she possible want to say (yes I'm scared, you would to if BM is a personal trainer and looks like could break a brick wall down).

What should I do? I feel I should, because that's the right thing to do. I am constantly putting myself out there. I'm a very fragile person, particularly lately, and I wear my heart on my shoulder, I get emotional very easily.

Why make this harder for me than it already is? I acknowledge her willingness, i think it's great, but why?

Comments

Delilah's picture

Submitted by Delilah on Sun, 09/15/2013 - 7:12am

Why are you constantly putting yourself out there? If you are feeling fragile and are having counselling imo you should say thanks but no thanks. These types of meetings and discussions are usually in my experience an attempt by the ex to intimidate, gather intel (AKA ammo) and generally be passive aggressive/abusive to the SM (not saying every BM is like that but most do not go well).

You do not HAVE to put yourself out there and actually perhaps its time you take care of yourself first and foremost? It's acceptable to do this you know and actually it would be foolish to open yourself up for any further stress and anxiety if you are already struggling. Being a SM doesn't equal martyring yourself and sacrificing your well being just because your OH has children! You can and should learn to say no!

Justme54's picture

Submitted by Justme54 on Sun, 09/15/2013 - 7:47am

I have to agree. If she has something to say...see can say it on the phone. She wants to play friends, so she can work you.
That is my thoughts.

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Sun, 09/15/2013 - 1:09pm

Why on earth do you think it's the right thing to do? There is no need to meet with a BM in person. There really isn't. Or talk to her. Or have anything to do with her.

I wouldn't meet with DH's ex. Seriously, I can't imagine meeting with the one woman my husband loathes.

MamaDuck's picture

Submitted by MamaDuck on Sun, 09/15/2013 - 6:11pm

I said yes to the BM I deal with when she asked to meet me for coffee.

My reason: My DD's SM had 'crossed a few lines' around the "mother-daughter" boundaries, eg; she told my DD about periods when DD was 8, my parents never guided me through puberty etc, so from the very beginning there were just some things I was really looking forward to with my DD. Unfortunately, what was done was done, I didn't start a b!tch fight over these things with SM, cause I'm not one of "those" BM's lol, I put it down to the fact that I never communicated with SM about those sort of things, things I would like for her to respect etc, so I knew if I ever became a SM I would offer the BM the opportunity to let me know where her lines are, so I could respect them (this was before I knew how psycho and batshit crazy some BM's can be).

I! Regret! Giving the cow that opportunity!!

What I now know about 'the mother-daughter/kids boundary lines/rules', if you don't want some other woman to cross them, you should have worked harder at making the r/s work with the father!!

There is nothing important that this woman needs to discuss with you! Yeah it'll be nice if we lived in a perfect world where we all got along and could all have a big ole Sunday Roast at the family table every week for the kids sake, but we don't!

Have you DH tell her no, not to say that YOU don't want to (then she'll get her knickers in a twist over YOU rejecting her "friendly" offer, and you don't need or deserve that stress) he needs to tell her that HE doesn't feel it is necessary, that if there is anything she wants to pass on, she can pass the message through him.

TheOtherWomen's picture

Submitted by TheOtherWomen on Sun, 09/15/2013 - 7:05pm

Thanks DtzyBlnd.

It's not that BM and I have a toxic relationship. In fact from everything FDH says about her, she doesn't have a spiteful bone in her body. They have managed their breakup really well, and their daughter is proof of that. SD isn't evil or naughty, she's just attention seeking (to the max) and aren't all kids are like that anyway. both BM and BF talk to each other like humans, and this is all for their daughter. Aren't they wonderful (blughhh). But I feel no threat from her, the love between BM and BF no longer exists and the fact that FDH has gone through all this with me... I know he loves me, because I'm a completely different person to her.

The underlying issue here is, I just feel uncomfortable around her. It's a self-confidence thing and the fact that she holds the genetic key to the Daughter I didn't have with the FDH. And that really makes me feel inadequate around her. It's bad enough I have a 6yo constant reminder of this everytime i see her and how much FDH dotes on her.

I think I've decided what I'm going to do. I think I will say thank you but no thank you. I would like to one day, but right I just don't feel comfortable with it. I appreciate her efforts to "get to know me" and I will get FDH to pass that on. All your support on this topic has really helped me a lot. I thank you ALL so much.

I have I mentioned lately this site is the best thing I've discovered lately?