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Benign or rude?

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

For Mother's Day we helped MIL clean her yard of leaves and did some minor landscaping for her. At the end of four hours of work she said thank you let's send the kids off to play and why don't the adults sit down and have iced tea on the patio. We sit down and FIL (DHs stepdad) brings out three iced teas, one for him, MIL and DH.  

A week later I mentioned "do you remember when we sat down for iced tea. Why do you think Stepdad brought out only three teas for you guys?"

DH flies off the handles and starts screaming so loud the neighbors called the police. He starts calling me narcissistic everything has to be about you you selfish they have done so much for you etc  and left the house before the cops got there. 
 

Would you have mentioned the iced tea thing?

Comments

beebeel's picture

I would have said something to FIL at the time. 

The iced tea is a non-issue, however. Your husband is an abusive asshole.

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

I regret not saying anything. It did hurt me but I kept it inside. I'm sad DH didn't see that it was inconsiderate.

Merry's picture

SD did something similar one time. DH just pushed his glass toward me and got up and got his own drink. He made his point without saying a word. 

Yes, it was rude and should have been handled at the time. Screaming at you is never ok.  That is the bigger issue. 

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

Thank you. SD did that to me once too. Got everyone drinks except me. At the time DH told SD to go and get one more and she refused so SS did it instead. So hurtful. This makes me so sad.

notarelative's picture

That would be my last visit to MIL''s house to do yardwork.

And while DH and FIL are not blood related, they both exhibit the same behavior traits. FIL was rude and inconsiderate. That DH sat there, drank his, and did not ask for a glass for you, makes him the same.

DH may be a loud person, but being so loud the neighbors call the police is not normal. Could it have been what DH was saying that prompted the call?

The 'ice tea thing' was wrong. Mentioning the 'ice tea thing' to your husband was not wrong. Your husband's reaction was wrong. 

Look in your area for women's shelters. You need to be prepared, so that when you have had enough of this treatment, you know where to go.

 

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

Thank you. I kept thinking their house their right to do as they please. But I felt like maybe they viewed me as one of the kids. I felt really shitty and embarrassed and I kept it inside. I struggled with whether or not to mention it. I decided to mention it because I knew it would fester and eat at me. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You should have politely asked SFIL for a glass at the time. Instead, you accepted the poor treatment without comment. Why do you think you chose to accept poor treatment? Why do you doubt your own judgement and feelings? That is what you need to be focusing on.  

Nothing you described was normal or acceptable treatment. What are you doing, wasting your life on these rude and dysfunctional people? If an Average Joe is calling the cops on your SO, that means they recognize that you are being abused - so believe it.

It seems you've become numb to the abuse. You need to save yourself! Once you get away from that toxic relationship, do some work on yourself. As your self esteem improves, you'll stop doubting and start loving yourself.  (((hugs)))

tog redux's picture

If I was ever with my in-laws and they brought out iced tea for everyone but me, I'd say, "Where's mine?".

IMO - you need to learn to be more assertive and trust yourself.  Your DH is abusive and his parents encourage it quietly.

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

I agree. everytime I stick up for myself he says I always have to make a big deal, but it's EVERY SINGLE time. 90% good stuff then 10% rude crap. It's draining me.

notarelative's picture

What he says  is called gaslighting. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Yeah, my XH did this crap. A few times, he (and eventually me) would yell so loud that my friend, who lived on the other side of the duplex, would text me to make sure I was okay. If I was quiet for too long, she'd do the same.

This was BEFORE I got married, and continued after. It only got worse and worse. He never hit me, but he did like shoving knives towards me because he thought it was funny that it made me cry. And he threw his phone hard enough that it left a hole in our wall. And...

You get the picture. Gokd relationships aren't about quantity, it's about quality. 90% good doesn't outweigh 10% abuse. That 10% is weighted heavily to exceed the 90% good.

Dumo him now and don't look back. Get a restraining order if he won't leave you alone. Move if you have to.

The_Upgrade's picture

This isn't my DH. But it was my dad. It doesn't matter if they're good to you 90% of the time and rage for 10%. Thinking back on my childhood I shudder to think what the neighbours were thinking when they used to hear him screaming. In my experience when someone alternates between hugging and slapping you, over time you don't enjoy the hugs. You're too busy bracing yourself for the next slap. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

No one should talk to you that way, and you should never tolerate it. If a "disagreement " results in name calling,  talking down to you or yelling then that person does not respect you. That is not treating you like a partner, which is what a relationship is supposed to be.

Guilfoyle's picture

Gee my stepdaughter would set the table and give everyone glasses and me a child's plastic cup. Fill everyone's glass except for mine. Oh and then there was also the children's fork I would get on purpose. Did darling wife say anything? Nope.