Sanity Vs Money or Rather Morals vs Immorals
I have battled with this conundrum for A LONG time...that is, do you blame the Step Kids for their behaviour? or do you blame it on the immoral being that your DH/SO had sex with at one point?
I say this as it was DD birthday earlier this month she turned 1(mine and SO's Daughter), no phone call to say happy birthday, SD stb 18 and SS 16, never sent a word. SO was fired last year and just recently he has been gainfully employed and is making more than half of what he was making last year...yay for me right? lol wrong.
SO has now been paying his CS he is in arrears, but low and behold who gets a text today asking how things are going, SO does...I guarantee you its not because they genuinely care about SO or DD- they haven't spoken for a few months, its because BM is getting CS and she is as usual, trying to figure out where he is working and blah blah blah and why he is able to pay more CS now, as he is in arrears so he has to pay more on top of regular CS.
It sickens me to be suspicious of his children, but I cannot help it, maybe there is something immorally wrong with me...SO thinks his kids are under BMs spell and I do agree, they are to a point, but am I wrong in thinking they should have at least said happy birthday to their sister, SD will be 18 this year or am I expecting too much from kids.
SO will defend, as most parents will that its the mothers fault, but I have heard and seen the way they treat him and me- daughter asking SO why SO had to pick up my other DD from school(I was pregnant at the time) and little jabs like that, asking, "why do you have to do that, can't she?" and the son telling my oldest to "Shut up"...I get he has to like his kids, but I don't want to alienate his kids from him I couldn't live with myself if I did, but cant he see them for what they really are and not get so defensive?
I told him and maybe I shouldn't have Paula Abdulla'd myself by telling him straight up what I thought but I get these kids will be with him and to accept that, I did but after the mother took me to court, had to provide my financial statements to her and give her my tax returns after every year, I have decided to disengage and maybe I have re-engaged by telling him what I thought...I didn't tell him what I really think and that is, "I think your kids are selfish, look at you as an atm and genuinely don't care about you"- some of that might be SOs fault but the rest is true...so instead of saying this out loud I type it here...its very frustrating to be suspicious and expect, there goes BM taking us to court again, heres BM being nosey...I am upset that SOs kids have taken zero interest in meeting their sister, they don't care...its sad and that's what I wish SO could see, instead of being defensive...I wish he could just say yeah, I wish my kids had acted different but we cant do anything about that, instead I get, its BMs fault, she interrogates the kids too much and they don't know how to stop it...how much of it is BMs faults- these kids are young adults now...shouldn't they know right from wrong without bms input?
Oh well...just something else I will try to get over with this step life.
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I think kids can be
I think kids can be influenced by a bad parent up to a certain point. If the kid is young and they haven't been taught how to behave properly then yes, it is the parent's fault. But that singular blame has to stop after a certain age. In my opinion, regardless of how immoral a parent is, once a child hits the teen years and have had outside influences, e.g. school, friend's families, media etc, they have had been exposed to enough resources to be able to establish correct social etiquette, and right from wrong.
Perhaps there are some cases where the kid is only surrounded by bad influence, but I suspect this is rare. In your skids situation, they are definitely old enough to take responsibility for their poor behaviour. To not call their half sibling on her birthday is disgusting. I would hazard a guess to say if they did not receive a call to wish them happy birthday from their family members they would kick up a stink about it.
In your post you ask if one blames the skids or the immoral being that your DH had sex with. I would say all of the above, but I would also include your DH in the blame. He should have taken he matter in hand and spoken to the skids about their abysmal behaviour. It is very easy for him to blame BM, yet he is not doing anything to try to teach his kids the correct way to treat others. Parents often see their kids through rose coloured glasses, and make excuses for them. That does not do a kid any favours.
I have a pet peeve of people not taking responsibility for their own actions. None of us are perfect, but it is important to be introspective in order for us to determine what role we played in any misadventure. The blame game is just a way of not taking responsibility. Your DH seems to take no blame, despite them being his kids. He also gives no blame to the skids. That's a nice way of making sure none of them actually have to make an effort to correct the behaviour. Your DH blames BM for all their faults. Tell me, does your DH also give BM all credit for any of their positive traits/achievements? I hope so, because if he can't take any of the credit if he doesn't accept any of the blame.
What Tommar said. How were
What Tommar said.
How were your SKs treated during your pregnancy and right after?
I see that you have an older daughter. Were all 3 kids treated the same?
If your daughter attended your shower, was you SD invited as well? What about after the baby was born? Often times posters here say they don't want their SKs to go to the hospital after the baby is born. They want dad to skip a few visits once they take the baby home. If you excluded your SKs, but allowed your daughter to take part in the baby stuff, then it's possible they resent her now.
OR,
They simply just don't care about a kid that is so much younger than they are.
meh.. not always... there is
meh.. not always... there is only so much influence a parent who see skids EOWE (or less) can have. Especially when the CP likes to let skids do as they please.
Like in my case... DH would get better results from banging his head against a brick wall, than he would getting anywhere with skids. Trust me, the man tried but he gets no where when skids just run back to BMs who poo poo them, and tell skids that DH is just a meany jerk when he tells them to stop smoking dope, or that school is important or that having sex at 11 is not acceptable etc etc. And he's tried it all... tried being the hammer, tried being the voice of reason, tried being the fatherly confidant...NOTHING works when you only see them a few times a month and the other parent is an asshole.
Here is a perspective from a
Here is a perspective from a half sibling. I am one of those odd step kids according to this website, I love my step mom to death, but I can't stand my BM. My BM has four kids including me, so I have four half siblings. I don't like my mother and one the ways I knew and know how to hurt her is by not acknowledging her children. I am 36 years old, since my father and mother (SM) have gotten custody of me I have refuse to acknowledge their existence. In my world if they didn't belong to my parents, they didn't matter.
The moral of story is this, what did there father do that they perceive as a injustice to them. Sometimes the easiest way to hurt a parent is through child. I just had to ignore my mother's children for most my life to hurt them and in away I hurt her.
Your SK, treat you and SO the way he allows them to treat your family.
I have many half siblings. I
I have many half siblings. I am closest to the half siblings that I was raised with. The other siblings are close to the siblings they grew up with.
I am in agreement with the other posters. It really depends on how close the skids are to the father and you. As they still aren't adults yet, they may have some resentment. No that has nothing to do with your daughter and everything to do with your dh. It may me due to bad talking on part of the BM, but there is nothing you can do about that.
Eta: OP - you say that the skids haven't met their sister, does that also mean they haven't seen their father in over a year? If anything it is your dh that needs to mend his relationship with them. This has nothing to do with your dd.
I have two older half sisters
I have two older half sisters and one younger half brother. I can't stand my half sisters and wish I did not have to see them twice a year at holidays. They are awful people and I am ashamed to share genetics with them. I know my one sister is a Cancer, and that her birthday is in early July. No idea when the other sisters Birthday is.
My brother was born in November sometime, no idea what day. I like my brother, he's a good kid. If I was invited to his birthday party I would come, but I don't think I've ever been invited. I always go overboard for Christmas for him. I got him a pony when he was 2. A real, actual pony.
Not everyone is super close to their half siblings, nor do they want to be. I'm certain my brother has no idea when my birthday is.
IMHO, i think a lot of the
IMHO, i think a lot of the blame goes to the bio-parents, both in how they chose to raise the kids, and in just genetics. but there has to be a certain point when the responsibility for their actions and attitudes falls squarely on their own shoulders. seems like your skids have chosen to be more like their bm.
most of us are here because we have far less than ideal step situations, so we are pretty much the bottom of the step barrel. while it was crappy of them to not even acknowledge your dd's b-day, and it is crappy how they view and treat your dh, next time go a bit easier on your dh... a$$holes or not, they are his kids. i'm sure he sees clearly who/what they are, but doesnt need to have it thrown straight up at him cuz in the end, they're still his kids and he loves them.
While I do believe that some
While I do believe that some of these BM's have a lot to do with how these kids treat their dad's, a lot of the dads allow it.
I have to wonder what your SO has done to foster a relationship between his kids and your DD?
Did he invite them over for a little birthday celebration? I mean, never in my life have I called a one year old! I think expecting that is a little much.
Eighteen and sixteen year olds are still pretty young and selfish, especially if they are taught to be that way by one or both parents, and the behavior is accepted, by one or both parents. They are old enough to be responsible for their attitudes and behavior but has anybody, like your SO, told them that it is unacceptable?
I believe that ALL people
I believe that ALL people should be held accountable for their behavior. Their status as a kid, or skid or adult means nothing.
At some point, we are all accountable for the way we behave.
yup. with knowledge comes
yup. with knowledge comes responsibility. once they are old enough to understand the difference between right behavior and wrong, it becomes their responsibility. and as they get older and come to know more behaviors, that responsibility increases.