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DISCIPLINE? What works?

texaswonder028's picture

Hi I am curious to find out what form of discipline you have in place or used in the past. My BF has a son that will be 1 yr old in Sept. The dilemmea I am having is SS is exhibiting bad behavior between households. My BF is very involved in SS life as BF has gotten SS for weekend visitation since SS was 2 weeks old. We also generally have SS every weekend and had SS the whole month of July. During the month we had SS, he had very few temper tantrums. Now when we get SS, he is throwing major temper tantrums i.e. screaming, clinching his fist, slapping his toys when it doesn't do what he wants, throwing his body back and hitting the floor, then screaming (not crying) screaming. ummmm... a high pitch whinning, and I witnessed at BM house him hitting BM in the face and SS bit her atleast 5 different times. This behavior of hitting in the face and biting has not happened in our home. BM discipline is " No No." BF is not happy with this behavior. He believes BM is to blame since none of this was a problem in July. Ill regardless of who is to blame I am trying to figure out a constructive way for all three of to discipline for these behaviors, so we are all on the same page. I think this will be less confusing for SS. Please if you have any sugestions I would appreciate it. I tried all local contacts to sigh us up for some parenting classes, unfortunately I was disappointed to find out that they are only available thru court order or CPS. Since neither of these apply I am at a loss.
Thanks again.
Kim

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Anne 8102's picture

I have some advice on this one for when he's older. The following worked very well for our bio daughter, starting at around age 2. She's now 4 1/2.

First, we don't acknowledge tantrums. We make sure she's safe and can't hurt herself, but otherwise we don't give her an audience.

Second, with very young children, you have to meet them on their level. We get down on our knees so that we are eye-to-eye with her, make sure she is looking us in the face, then tell her in words she can understand what she should/shouldn't do. Two word phrases are good... NO HITTING! NO PINCHING! NO BITING! NO SCREAMING! If she doesn't comply, we put her in the naughty chair for a time-out. We use two minutes for each year of age.

Having said that...

Keep in mind that this child isn't even a year old yet, so to me, this isn't a "discipline" issue. He's not old enough to be able to control his impulses or fully understand right from wrong. He cannot fully comprehend that his actions have consequences. He doesn't yet possess the ability to predict the outcomes of his behaviors. Other than telling this young of a child "no, no" when he is doing something wrong, I don't know what else you CAN do.

You can't ground him. You can't put him on restriction from privileges. You can't take away his iPod or his car keys. I mean, he's not technically even a toddler yet. He's an infant. You can't punish an infant for bad behavior. As an infant, he's not even capable of bad behavior.

He's not verbal enough now to understand any kind of disciplinary action. Until he's older and verbal, you might try re-directing his attention when he has an episode like this. Pick him up, change his location, change his activity, just remove him from the situation. Take him outside and put his bare feet on the grass. Put him in the bathtub for a bath. Take him from his room into the kitchen to bang on some pots and pans. If he's hitting, biting, etc., you put him down in a safe place and walk away after telling him firmly, "NO BITING. NO HITTING." I would try re-directing... it can be anything, as long as he's doing something different in a different location. Removes his focus from whatever is pissing him off. His pediatrician can give you some pointers on how to deal with this and what kind of expectations are realistic for a child his age.

~ Anne ~

"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)

WickedStepMama's picture

He's just a baby ~ maybe it's too disruptive for him to be in the different houses with different routines for such a long period of time (a month). I think Anne gave good advice.

Mama Kat

texaswonder028's picture

I agree a month is a long time for SS. But, this is not new to him. We have gotten him since he was two weeks old. I just cannot figure out why he was so good for us and so bad for BM. Now that we are back to the regular schedule (weekends) all that progress seems lost.
I believe part of the problem is the fact that she has had only 5 different babysitters, now she has resorted to a 17 yr old. Except the 17 yr old will be starting school soon, so it is time to change again. I feel that SS doen't have stablity or a daily routine. For example, I went to pick up SS @ 6:00pm from the 17 yr old babysitter, he was asleep. He had been asleep for about two hours. BM couldn't figure out at night, why he wasn't sleeping for her. Babysitter said that she didn't know that he wasn't to sleep at that time. I don't understand why she isn't asking her what goes on during the time when BM is away.
It is the little things like that I think is taking a toll on him. The quality of care he receives from the babysitters is limited. She is more concerned about how much it is costing her rather than how good he is being cared for. (previous post) Her sister in law used to watch him, until she came home early to pick him up without her knowing. When BM got there he was strapped in his carseat screaming, sitting in a soiled diaper that had dried to him. Sister in law had the radio turned up and sitting on the couch filing her nails. She was surprised to see BM there. They exchanged words and BM called BF. Needless to say when BF found out, he was no longer to go there. She was the free babysitter. We offered to find a good babysitter, even offered to help pay on top of the child support. BF, myself, & BM all went to discuss with the new babysitter, BM said that she didn't like her and wanted to keep the 17 yr old, knowing she goes back to school less than 2 weeks.
I could go on forever.....
I appreciate all of the suggestions. I just don't what him to become out of control. I am trying to find constructive ways to deal with him so we are all working together.
Thanks again,
Kim

goingcrazy's picture

When I was reading your post, I was ready to explain to you that we went through identical behavior with SD and tell you all about what therapist taught us. Then I read further and Anne had already done that. So, I second what Anne said.

laughterandtears's picture

that at the moment I have a VERY VERY rotten BS, who is at this very moment, being very upset b/c he cannot get into the kitchen. But he is only 13 months old. He hits, and when he does, I gently hold his hand down and say "No Hit Mama" HE bit a few times, but when I said "Ouch!!, NO, NO Son", he stopped doing that. He doesn't hit as much either. But just like Anne said, there is really not a whole you can do. As for throwing the fits, do exactly what anne says about a different location, distraction. I have come to just walk away from him or ignore him if I can't walk away and he doesn't keep it up for long. Babies just want attention or food, drink, something and they usually want it NOW. I am attempting to teach my BS pateince after my recent fiasco. Good Luck and just give lots of love!!

~THE EXERCISE THAT REALLY CHANGES YOUR LIFE IS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE~

everythinghappens4areason's picture

my kids are quite a bit older now, but my son used to be a handful at this age as well. We gave him one warning, by saying...no hitting, no biting, etc. If he didn't stop, we picked him up and put him in his crib, or another room somewhere he couldn't hurt himself and walked away like it was no concern to us. (Of course we were watching from around the corner so we knew if he got into something he shouldn't be, we could get in there fast). Sometimes the tantrums would last 10 minutes. Eventually he realized that no one was standing there paying attention to him and he would stop and carry on with amusing himself again. It took doing this again and again, right up until he was about 3, but it worked. We very seldom had to deal with this after that. By then he knew if he was getting heated up over something, he would be told once and would be sent to his room until he stopped.

Good luck..its not an easy thing to deal with, especially in public.
Corie

texaswonder028's picture

Thank you so much for all of the suggestions, I plan to try out these new ideas. It sounds like they have all work for you.
Wish us luck!
Kim