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Advice please

Texasgirl2021's picture

Hello, I've been with my fiancé for a year now, and he has full custody of his 4 year old son. I also have a 6 year old daughter. Lately I've been feeling like he's only with me because i have his son full time at home, since he works out of town. I've brought up the issue with him before and he says he loves me and isn't with me because of that. But it has been mentioned by him if his son were not living with me he wouldn't spend his days off at home. In no way would i make him choose between his son and me, but on that same note all these feelings about him only being with me out of convince are brought back up. I've talked to him and he says that's not the case, but I'm honestly at a loss. 


Siemprematahari's picture

Why is this child not with the biological mom? Where is she in all this? If your BF works out of town, he needs to make other arrangements. This child is more with you than with his own father. If he's not able to care and parent his child, than he shouldn't be with you. I'd feel used as well and from the sounds of it your BF has a sweet deal.

Follow your instinct and please don't ignore it. Do not allow him to undermine you. You are valid in your feelings. 

Texasgirl2021's picture

Thank you. So per the divorce my bf got full custody of his son. She gets him for two months out of the year, every other birthday and every other year on holidays. 

hereiam's picture

if his son were not living with me he wouldn't spend his days off at home

I'm sorry, what? Where would he spend his days off then? I suggest he permanently go there... and take his son with him.

Follow your gut, girl.

Who was taking care of his son before you conveniently came along? Where is BM?

Texasgirl2021's picture

The way he put it he would spending his days off in Indiana where he son would be. His mom is back in Indiana she only gets him two months out of the year every other Holliday and every other birthday. My bf has full custody of his son. So he's semi recently divorced it was finalized last year in September and she was here until october of last year and she took their son for the holidays and he got him back January of this year. We've been dating since December of last year, so there really wasn't anyone else until i showed up. 

hereiam's picture

Ok so, it sounds like the decision for him to get custody happened before you two started dating, who was he planning on watching his kid when he was out of town?

The way he put it he would spending his days off in Indiana where he son would be.

Why would his son be in Indiana, if he's the one who has custody? Who would the son be with?

Maybe I'm confused about the timeline.

If he wanted custody, he needs to get a local job and arrange for child care during the day, not use you.

Texasgirl2021's picture

Yeah custody was established before us. He has his aunt as appointed care giver in the case that he can't care for him, so that's who he would be with in Indiana.  

Texasgirl2021's picture

When he got custody he had a local job he was in the military. He's been out about 6 months. He got custody because his mom couldn't provide a stable living situation, couldn't pass a drug test and was seen as unfit 

SeeYouNever's picture

He's using you for child care and a replacement mother for his child. He never had his kid alone right? If he never learned to be a single dad on his own then he is perfectly fine leaving the "woman's work" of childcare to you. If he's going to put you in a traditional role like that then I hope you are ok with it and I hope he is doing the traditional male role of being a damn good provider for you.

Texasgirl2021's picture

No he never did. Yes he worked but the kid was in daycare. Yes he does provide for me he pays the bills the rent my car

hereiam's picture

Did you work before you started being his nanny? Did you quit your job to take care of his son? Not an ideal situation, as he's kind of got you backed into a corner if you are financially dependent on him.

Get a job and tell him that you can no longer be his nanny.

Texasgirl2021's picture

Yes I've always worked i was working when i met him I'm working now I've always been full-time too financially he does not have me in a corner i can leave and be fine on my own with my own daughter 

hereiam's picture

Okay, good, I just wasn't sure when you stated that he provides for you and pays the bills.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Do you work outside the home? I couldn't tell from your post. If you don't, it really weakens your position. Ideally, you should take care of your own obligations and your fiance should take care of his.

For your fiance to have full custody yet be gone all week is just plain wrong. He should be present and parenting, not dumping his responsibilities on you. Right now neither parent is involved, and that is not in the child's best interest. 

Ask your fiance what he would do if you weren't in the picture, and why he wanted full custody if he doesn't want to parent His son. Make him give a full answer. Then tell him he needs to either find different employment that accommodates his parental responsibilities or another woman because you are done with an arrangement that is damaging to his child.

hereiam's picture

See above. If OP wasn't in the picture, the guy would pawn the kid off on his aunt in Indiana.

Texasgirl2021's picture

Yes, i have a full-time job. I'll take that approach with him, I've never asked him what he would do if i wasn't in the picture, and i agree neither parent is involved and the kid knows it, there's behavior issues that i have to deal with that are stressful on top of me having to parent my own daughter 

tog redux's picture

Sorry, I'm still very confused. Why does he work out of town? Did he move from Indiana to be with you? Why can't he get a job in town? Why can't you move to where he works?

Texasgirl2021's picture

He was in the military. Him and the BM are originally from Indiana, she cheated and he filed for divorce. He stayed in the city where he was stationed due to the military. BM moved back to Indiana. We got together in December, he got out of the military in June of this year, he's a truck driver so he's gone two maybe three weeks at a time and is home about 5 days 

tog redux's picture

Exactly - so if the child can't be with BM, he needs to be with the aunt who was designated as the caretaker. 

Or your SO needs to find a local trucking job.  Otherwise, it's not fair to you.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Other women have posted about this exact issue - SO works out of town and dumped his kids on the the gf/wife. Every single poster was miserable, and the skids were always behaviorally challenged.

The child needs his parent, not a series of proxies.

OP, you are right to have a bad feeling about this. If you've only known this man for a year, and he's often out of town, I suggest you sloow things away down. Step back, move out, and see what he does. He'll either court you properly or dump his son on someone else and disappear. Either way, you'll be better off.

Disneyfan's picture

Your gut is telling you that this isn't right. LISTEN TO IT!!!  Users never admit  that they are taking advantage of their victims.   

ndc's picture

Putting aside whether he really wants to be with you or he's with you for convenience for a moment, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is not around for a good chunk of the time? Are your needs being met? Is there a reason he can't get a local trucking job instead of being OTR?  Right now it sounds like you're a part-time nanny, being paid with free room and board and a car.  Are the 5 days he's home worth the weeks he's not? Forget about why he's with you - why are you with him?



hereiam's picture

Yes, this ^^^^

You spend more time with his kid than you do with him.

Aunt Agatha's picture

It's not right for you, your daughter or his kid.

If you insist on being with this man, move out for a while until he gets his life in order and is actually able to care for his son.

This kid has essentially been abandoned by both parents. As he ages, he will most likely be resentful, and you will be the one he takes it out on.

Personally, I agree with the above posters.  Why are you enabling a man who is for all intents and purposes abandoning his child with you?

Harry's picture

And be a parent to his son.  He needs to get a job he will be home every night.  You babysitting his son in not right.  
you mudras have that talk with your BF.  Either he home every night ior he makes other arrangements for his son.

Mandy45's picture

Your been together a year you have your own child. He just got full custody of his. Instead of thinking I have kid to look after I need to get a job that works around that he dumps him on you and takes off. Your still early in the relationship if your gonna stay you need to put your boundaries down now. He needs to get a job that leaves him able to care for his kid. That not going to inconvenience you. If he really into this relationship for the right reasons he will do this. If not I be running for the hills. This is his responsibility why should you rearrange your life to suit his needs. It was not your choice to have this kid. You cant just go well bm no good as a mom so maybe this women will be a good mother. She can sit at home while I run around and do whatever It doesnt work that way. His first thought should be I got a kid to care for I have to do things this way or that. What you do when your a parent. You make sacrifices and rearranging your life to care for them. You dint just expect someone else to do it for you. 

SecondNoMore's picture

What kind of man is this, aside from one who is desperately in need of free child care? You have just been dating a year and he's been leaving you alone with this child for weeks at a time? That's negligent. He couldn't have known you well enough after just months of dating to trust you to fully care for his child full-time. 

This child is going to have so many issues as he gets older and realizes what an awful parental hand he's been dealt. And I have no what kind of a partner can he be when he has that kind of schedule. 

Winterglow's picture

"Essentially , you are getting to live expense free in return for caring for his son."

  1. Live-in nannies get a decent salary, they're not expected to work for their keep. Their car is often paid for too because it is necessary for transporting the children in their charge.
  2. Live-in nannies explicitly applied for the job of looking after the child. It isn't something that is foisted on them.