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Wedding Sham

Terri54's picture

So, I’ve been on this site from time to time especially when things are not going well to look for advice on whether or not I’m crazy. I’ve been a stepmother for a little over 10 years now. When I first came into the picture, SS was 7 and SD was 4. Their mother died the prior year from cancer. DH and I had known each other for years as we had worked together for 10 years but we were in different states.
Long story short, we started a relationship a little more than a year after his wife died. Since we already knew each other rather well, it didn’t take long for the relationship to progress. It was literally like falling in love with my best friend. We moved in together almost a year later and married almost a year after that. After SS’s mom died, he learned very quickly how to manipulate people including his Dad to get his way. I refused to let a kid do that and he very quickly had no use for me. He tried everything in his power to get me to leave including telling his dad lies about me, going through my stuff in my bedroom and bathroom, etc. And worse, his dad not only believed him but then I would get lectures about what I’m doing wrong when it comes to his son. Basically, everything was the way it was because I did not show SS love and affection. The kids looked at me like he wanted me to drop dead but his dad never saw them. (I forgot to mention stealing his dad’s car, credit card and a few other things he did over the years.)
Several months ago, SS moves out only because he found another family that according to him, he could have a clean slate with. And he no longer wanted to be a part of our family. (Mainly didn’t want anything to do with me!!!) We were horrible people who wanted him to say he was sorry for the things he done and act like he was sorry!!!! He let it be known at his graduation which we were barely a part of that he was going home with this 21 year old that was the niece of the family he was staying with. And his plan was to “hook up” with her. Two weeks later, he comes to our house to apologize for leaving the way he left, he was sorry for everything and oh, I’m marrying the 21 year old. He didn’t like our reaction to the news but he didn’t care. By this time, his dad is starting to see what I’ve been for years and is quite upset by it all. I think he thought he’d never purposely hurt him even though he knew he’d been doing it to me for years.
Wedding day was yesterday and I was snubbed a few times. The night before, my hubby was introduced as “his dad,” his sister was introduced as “his sister” but I was introduced as “Terri.” That stung a little bit cause he wouldn’t be where he is if I hadn’t tried to discipline him when his dad was in denial.
Just when I thought this lil shit couldn’t hurt me any more because I’ve said for months now that I’m done with him, his dad and I were asked to pose with the bride and groom for a family picture. Afterwards, I was asked to stepdown so they could have one with just “dad.”
I asked my husband afterwards if he could pull the knife out of my back but as usual, he didn’t say anything. Anybody else think that this was wrong????? Should DH have even allowed it to happen? When I said something to him about it last night, he said well I didn't smile in any of the pictures? He has allowed his child to treat me like crap for years and I'm tired of it.

Comments

notasm3's picture

He's married and out of your home. Dismiss him from your life. You did not birth the little bastard. Why waste another minute even thinking about him.

Let it go. He's never going to like you. He's never going to treat you with respect. He's just an ass. The past is the past. You cannot change it. Why subject yourself to future abuse?

Forget trying to convince your DH that his son is a POS no matter how much evidence there is to support that accusation. My adult SS is way worst (drugs, violence, alcohol abuse). My husband knows it, but he will try to defend his son if I speak ill of him. So I just do not speak of him at all.

Here's what I say to my DH. "He's your son and you love him. I know that. I do not wish him ill. I hope he lives a successful life (fat chance)." But that's it. I do not see my SS. I do not talk to him. I do not encourage my DH to see him nor do I forbid it. Just not in my presence.

You are enabling someone to treat you like crap if you continue to allow them in your life. Many times we cannot avoid minor skids. But adult skids who treat you like shit - why would you ever allow them to continue to do that.

You can't control what someone else does - but you can put up strong boundaries to keep a person like that out of your life. If your DH tries to order you to allow this boy in your life just ask him if he gets some kind of perverse pleasure in watching you be hurt.

Terri54's picture

This SS made my life a living hell for years and it had nothing to do with his mother dying. It had to do with him telling lies about me and manipulating people because he wasn't getting his way. I'm sorry I didn't go into more detail but the fact is that I do have a lot of resentment for my husband for allowing most of this to happen and I'm angry at myself for not speaking up sooner. But at some point, kids should also be responsible for their actions.

I had stepparents so I know how it works. You don't have to like your stepparents but if you parent chose to marry them, there is a level of respect there. Plain and simple. This kids has crossed the line for years and yes, my husband let him. I am dealing with that.

twopines's picture

Not seeing the big deal with them having a photo with just dad. I can't even remember all the photo configurations from SS32's wedding. I'm certainly not in all the pictures my husband is in.

momof3smof2's picture

Of course he wanted photos with just his dad. They didn't leave you out. There were pics with you too.

We recently had graduations for my child and my husband's child. We did all kinds of pictures, from a photo with everyone to (both graduating kids, DH and me, my ex and his girlfriend and DH's ex, her spouse and all the siblings & step-siblings on all sides. We also did pics with just the graduating kids and each of their parents individually and the bio-parents with graduating kid. Of course, Ex's girlfriend got her panties in a wad over that, but whatever.

I get that you're angry with this young man, but to your husband, that's simply his son. And he loves him.

twoviewpoints's picture

I'm wondering if there is any chance the young lady might actually be a decent influence and his potential guide to maturing ad becoming a half way civilized behaving human being?

He did come to your home and apologize for his years f ill behavior. He did invite both Dad and you to the wedding. You were indeed included in the couple's wedding family photo groups (even if not every shot you believe you should be in). SS did introduce you in a civil and appropriate manner (even if not n the words you feel he should have used). All that from basically a young punk asshole kid just a few months ago. Somebody has had some influence on him of late.

Anyway... now time to focus on moving on with dh, you and the final minor in your household. SS is married and out. He's not yours or Dad's responsibility or problem anymore. Hey, that in it's self is something to celebrate, right? You're under no obligation or expectations to have anything to do with SS any longer. Now he is a visitor in your home, if and when you choose him to be. You can be totally done with him or pick when or if you'd like to socialize with him outside of your home. Lady you've been granted at long last your freedom. It isn't all bad. There's a slight light now shining at the end of that long hard road you've traveled.