You are here

Happy Anniversary - NOT

Terri54's picture

Today is supposed to be my and DH's tenth wedding anniversary. It's been a day from hell. It doesn't help that I had the stomach virus from hell two day ago and I am still feeling the effects from that.

I remember joking with DH ten years ago that he wanted to hurry up and seal the deal before I changed my mind. Little did I know that would not be a joke! I've learned that once you say I do, the evil stepmother is born!!!

I've posted on here a few times but for those of you who don't know my story, DH's former wife died at a young age of 36. He was left with a 6 year old son and a 3 year old daughter. The then 6 year old is now an 18 year old monster who is supposed to live here until he graduates from high school if that ever happens. He's already signed up to join the Navy and after the last year, I've told DH that I will never stand in his way of having a relationship with his son but do NOT ask me to. I'm DONE. Today, he told me that he didn't see himself having a relationship with his kids after they were grown and somehow that is my fault. If he doesn't have a relationship with his children, that is not on me. But apparently everything is my fault. I expect too much and get caught up in the little stuff. I actually expect them to do 30 minutes worth of chores a day. I consider is payment for the cell phone. When they were younger, all they had to do it pick up after themselves to teach them responsibility but I was wrong there too.

But with SS, at first when he was younger, it was just the constant lying that DH did nothing about. Then it started with taking little things around the house that were mine and I'd find them in his room. I'd let DH know but "kids do that sometimes." Then money started disappearing from the kitchen counter, my purse, etc. Again, nothing was done. And I was too ignorant and naïve to "cause waves."

We even had him evaluated and the therapist told me (DH wasn't there to hear this and I wish to this day that he was.) that he was extremely manipulative and he would do everything in his power to destroy our marriage if we did not do something about it. He was 8 years old at the time. Of course, "his son wouldn't do that."

It started out small and things have evolved over time. I had to ask for lock for my bedroom door to keep him out because he kept going in there and going through my stuff when we weren't home. I was a horrible person for asking for a lock though. It's been thrown up in my face by DH many times. Even after the lock was put up, he broke in several times!!! DH still didn't understand why I wanted a lock.

Two summers ago, before he had a license, he took our old car that we weren't using and went joy riding one summer day when DH was out of town. He put the car in a ditch and the police came by. DH about had a heart attack when he got a call from the sheriff's department. Police didn't press charges and I wish they would have.

In the last year, he stole one of DH's credit cards but didn't realize that he "stole" it and ran up over $500 in bills on that one. Who discovered that? me. And ever since he got a cell phone, it gets taken away from him regularly because he doesn't care if he texts someone in another country or calls 900 numbers for phone sex. Not to mention all the trash talk between him and his girlfriend including the text that said he hoped I had a f-ing heart attack and die!!!

Then there is the grades, skipping school, etc. The best one yet was he was planning to get his 16 year old girlfriend pregnant!!! Great plan!!!

I could go on and on but in my opinion, it's all because DH parented out of guilt and never supported any rules that I tried to put in place. Now he's 18, thinks he knows it all but someone it's all my fault because I was not a loving, nurturing stepmother to him. The kid has hated my guts since I got here. He has done everything to make my life hell and ruin my marriage. And let's not also forget that I talk to him horribly. Well, when you didn't listen or acknowledge me the first two times, it's gonna sound ugly!! How am I to respond to that?

I thought up until today, that for the first time ever, DH and I were on the same page. Now, I don't know what to think. So, I'm sitting in my office pretending to do homework because I decided to go back to school last year and better myself. So if this marriage doesn't work out, I'll finally have a degree and be able to support myself a little bit better.

Thanks for listening to me vent. It's been a hell of a day.

Comments

Terri54's picture

I have disengaged but was told that I was being childish and a few other things but for health reason, I had to. But hubby made sure when the kids were younger that if they had any problems with me, to let him know. Everything has gone through him for years because he can't trust me to talk nicely to his kids. Does it matter that they talk to me like shit, no. I'm the adult. (The BS I've been told over the years.) When I disengage, it's my fault we don't have a happy home, etc.

SD is now 15. We have our ups and downs but for starters, I've never raised a girl. Plus she was heavily raised by her brother to disrespect me. In fact, when they were younger, he was physically mean to her if she actually said thank you or things like that to me. She's been afraid of him for years because he has threatened her so many times. DH knows this but it's swept under the rug. Somehow it's my fault too. Not sure how.

Hubby things kids should ALWAYS be allowed to voice their opinions, etc. I don't agree. Sometimes they are being complete asses and I shouldn't have to listen to their bullshit. But he feels that I should.

Terri54's picture

My DH is a good man. I've known him for over 20 years. We worked together many years ago and were great friends. Just friends. If you had told me 20 years ago, I'd wind up marrying him, I would have told you that you were crazy. We both went through failed first marriages. He moved on to marry again and she died eight years later. I had a few relationships but none of them worked out. We started talking, etc.

We've been through a lot together and I do believe he is the love of my life but like the song says - sometimes love is just not enough.

I haven't wanted to throw in the towel for many reasons. I kept thinking that once SS was gone, things would be better. I don't know anymore.

mom2futuresuperhero's picture

First off hugs you are NOT the problem. Your husband is. His son is a shit. A. Total. Shit. And you husband is a SHIT as well. I don't have any sage advice and maybe others will but I will say this...Love that you are getting a degree to BETTER YOUR PROSPECTS and your husband can suck a root, dick, etc.

Deep breath and don't let it get you down. Carry on. It is not easy. But you deserve better than your husband blaming his assswipe kid off as your fault/problem. Is horse shit. Utter horse shit.

IslandGal's picture

Sending you a huge virtual hug!!!

Your hubby is a prize asswipe. He is ignorant and insensitive and needs a goddamn slap upside his head. The moron obviously has NO RESPECT for your feelings and doesnt care about protecting YOU from his dickhead of a Son.

How the hell you put up with it for 10 years is beyond me!!

When you say sometimes love is not enough - darlz.. your love for him is real..his love for you isn't obvious at all here and I'd be asking myself some serious questions about wanting to stay in this.

You've taken a great step towards taking care of you.. please stick to it and always..always protect yourself!

Terri54's picture

I've told him many times that all of my friends have told me that they would not have put up with the bullshit even if it were their own biological son and their DH acted like this much less a SS. Days like today, I'm wondering why as well.

Last week, my DH was very aware of SS's bullshit and just said that we had to put up with it for just a few more months. I don't know if it was all lies or what the hell happened. I was blindsided today of all days when he blew up at me. I assume SS said something to him but I can't prove it and I doubt he'd tell me even if he did.

Going to a hotel this weekend to get some school work done and escape this bullshit might be just what I need. Thanks again everyone!

robin333's picture

So sorry you have to deal with this crap. You are hearing a lot that it is your fault- don't owe that nonsense. I would calmly correct those messages when they are sent.

Even when SS turns 18 and hopefully graduates doesn't mean that it will be over. If you are going to stay and see if things improve, go ahead and let it be known you expect him to be out of your home with no option of return. And keep working on school and your exit plan. Hugs!

MissElphaba's picture

:jawdrop: I'm stuck at the part where your DH ignored the fact that his son actually physically hurt SD just to make sure she was mean to you/disliked you... and since you came into the picture 10 yrs ago, she was 5? That's very telling of him... he's willing to put up with just about anything from his son as long as he can stay Disney dad. I'd make that an open-ended stay at the hotel, with a spa day, on his credit card. What a tool. Best of luck to you and I'm in the same school boat with you. I cannot wait to have that degree!