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Is this part of disengaging?

tankh21's picture

I think that my DH isn't going to make the skids respect anyone so it's probably just better that I not say anything at all when they do the crap that they do. Like to instance, not acknowledge anyone when they walk into our house. They both act like I don't exist so I should probably not care and do the same with them right? I mean we all know trying to get my DH to teach the skids something is a complete loss. So is this part of disengaging acting like someone doesn't exist in your house?

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beebeel's picture

Uh. No. That's rude. I'm disengaged, but I'm not rude. I still say hello to my skids. I still make small talk with them and ask them about their lives. But I don't worry about what they are doing or comment on their behavior/choices.

You've been around here long enough to know what disengaged means. I am struggling to understand why you post the same complaints over and over, day after day, without change for years

You have had your feelings validated repeatedly here. That's great, and we all need that from time to time. You don't need a hundred strangers to agree with you, you need validation from your DH. You know he will never give you that, right?

The only thing that will ever change this situation is you leaving it.

pickles45's picture

Ha beebeel I was typing almost the same things at the same time. I agree that disengaging (which I am still very new too) does not mean being mean or rude. And I have had to bite my tongue plenty of times when it involves her behavior or choices. (And trust me it takes all my willpower to not roll my eyes in front of her some days !)

pickles45's picture

For me its saying hello, how was school?, goodbye, etc. and thats about it. Polite short little snipets,but then me going on about my day. I am never rude to her its just getting harder and harder to find things to talk to her about. Even when all 3 of us are sitting at dinner or outside by the firepit I usually let her and her dad do most of the talking. I'll join in on a conversation if I feell ike it, but to be honest I just dont care about her days at school or for example her drivers ed classes this summer. Again I will ask her about things to be polite but thats about it.

advice.only2's picture

Do you think your DH would even notice or care if you stopped saying hello or good morning to the skids? Do you think DH would even notice if you weren't there in the evenings as long as the bills were still paid and there was still food in the fridge? I think you have more of a DH problem than a skid problem. My advice disengage from the DH, everything after that is easy.

ITB2012's picture

I think OP and I are married to the same person.

DH would notice I didn't say anything but he wouldn't notice if a skid said nothing or if a skid didn't respond to me. And DH would call me out for not talking but would excuse the skid.

She's asking because she's a nice person and trying to work out what is appropriate behavior, probably because it's also confusing with the double standards in the house. You try to work out what you might be "too much" on (since you've been told that and don't want to be "too much") and what is actually right and proper behavior you should be able to expect from the skids without having to defend your expectation. It's crazy making. And that's why our questions seem crazy. We are, in fact, being accused of and going crazy.

Ursula's picture

I hope your life isn't really as miserable as it seems to be according to your posts here.  I don't think that is part of disengaging and I wouldn't want to live that way.  Your house sounds like a battle ground. 

tog redux's picture

It's petty to be childish back to a child.

Say, "Hello, SS/SD," when they walk in, and then stop caring if they answer. 

Harry's picture

saying hello, is mechanical,  you walk in say hello, you don’t respect a answer.  You say hello and go about what you are doing.  These no need to make additional talk if hello is not answered.  

Petronella's picture

Re: greeting people when you come home. My SD was a master at bursting through the front door and taking whatever route to her bedroom in such a way as to avoid the room I was in. 

Dovina's picture

How old are your SS's?

If they are teens and pulling this crap I would just ignore. Walk in and nod your head, you did your part.

Maybe put an advent calendar on your fridge, counting down the days until visitation is over haha. Have sad emojis on all the days, but a super smiley one on the last day :)  Kidding of course, but dont you wish!!

tankh21's picture

They all of the sudden started doing it since MIL left so I am pretty sure they are doing it on purpose. I will say hello to them though and leave it at that. OSS is 14 and YSS is 12.

ITB2012's picture

that they whined to their grandmother about you and she told them ("giving advice") to limit their interactions with you ("just like tankh21 limited her interactions with me while I was here").

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

I say virtually nothing to stepdemon and he says nothing usually to me. I couldn’t care any less anymore. 

DoberGirl's picture

I'm 100% disengaged from my BF's kids.   We don't live together so that makes things super easy but sooner or later he will want me to re-engage so we can be a family. I honestly believe he is the only one who wants us to be a family. The skids and I really don't want it.

tog redux's picture

Disengagement would be you saying hello to them first (because you are an adult) and not caring if they say hello back. You aren’t disengaged if you are still upset by them not saying anything.