I will leave every time now...
So I left both Saturday and Sunday and went to my dad's house because DH continued to make excuses for this kids. Friday night, YSS was yelling on his stupid headset with his little gaming friends at midnight and DH was too lazy to get up and tell him to be quiet or take the XBox away from him so he yelled at him while laying in bed and it woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep.
So I left early in the morning on Saturday and did not return home until the evening. Saturday evening and Sunday morning DH would just yell at him from in the kitchen and ask him to be quiet. I finally had enough again so I left and went my dad's once again and stayed until last night. I waited until DH took the skids home before I returned home. DH will not tell his kids anything he will ask them. I think that is part of the problem. So I simply explained to him that he should tell them instead of asking them. He did agree with me and he said that he would try to work on that.
But, he said that I just want my own way and if I don't get my own way then everyone in the house has to be miserable or walk on eggshells. I told him well we can meet in the middle and try to come up with a solution. I told him what I would do if I had kids and he agreed that he would try to work on it in order to let me have peace and quiet and not be on edge.
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This man does not want to
This man does not want to parent his kids and you are not going to be able to force him to. He may agree with you, he may say he will work on it, but it is not what he truly wants to do, so it's not going to work long term.
It's just going to cause resentment on his end because he's only doing it so that you will not "be on edge" and it will cause more resentment on your end because he's going to keep agreeing with you but not really change anything.
I agree.
I think he is just pacifying you. If he makes any changes it will be because you want it.. not because he thinks it is a good idea. He quite likely is going to literally tell his kids to try to be more quiet so that "Tankh doesn't give me crap".. throwing you under the bus.
I didn't think of it like
I didn't think of it like that ESMOD. But that is a very good point. He will try to make me the bad guy so he can remain the parent that his kids like.
This is exactly what DH does!
This is exactly what DH does!!! How do I handle it?
Instead of trying to convince
Instead of trying to convince the parents that their children are "bad" or that the actions are unacceptable to you the step parent... you need to figure out how to get the point accross that the children's actions are a detriment to the Children themselves.
I would tell my DH how I was so worried the girls would be bullied over X.. or would be embarassed over Y.
Like... Honey, I'm so concerned that the girls will end up embarassed or not included if they can't learn to have better manners while they eat. Because they will figure out that it's because they looked like pigs and they will be embarassed.
Or.. Gosh.. your girls are so sweet and generous but unfortunately people are going to get the wrong impression if they don't learn how to be more gracious when someone gives them a gift. If they rip through them and then ask "is that all there is" people will feel they are just being greedy.
For the loud kid issue you can say things like. You know, kids learn how to behave by doing it not only in public but at home.. so it's a habit. I don't want people to exclude the boys because they haven't been taught to think about other people's feelings. Like the other night when they were hooping and hollering at midnight at the video game. If they had been at someone else's house... they might have never been invited back. It would be doing them a favor to explain why that isn't nice to the other people in the house. (just yelling "shut up" doesn't cut it"
I am going to try this.
I am going to try this. Thank you ESMOD
I already do have resentment
I already do have resentment do you think every time I leave his kids will see it as they have won and will continue to be able to do what they want.
I know you already have
I know you already have resentment, which is why I said you will have "more" resentment when your husband does not consistently keep his kids in line.
Of course they see you leaving as winning. They can do what they want AND your husband can let them because you are not there. It's a win for everybody, except you, because you have to leave your own home. You might as well move out and just date your husband when he doesn't have his kids.
Great job tank!
Great job tank!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Parents need self control too
Not sure what kind of asylum your dh is running, but you don’t yell to teach a kid not to yell. Just like you don’t hit to teach a kid not to hit. He needs a parenting book! I’ll never understand the lack of educating yourself on being a parent when it’s literally the hardest, longest job you’ll ever have.
Off my soapbox... Tank girl, I don’t think they won. You did. You removed yourself from an intolerable situation. That was the right thing to do. Kudos!
Thank you blayze. I have
Thank you blayze. I have thought about leaving many times but I love my DH it is all very confusing and hard.
If he can be trained, don’t leave :)
You’ll just have to train a new man on how to treat you...the grass isn’t greener. Every relationship has problems...some bigger than others, but leaving isn’t always the best solution unless there is blatant disrespect- like repeated lying, breach of trust, betrayal, etc. If he is willing to put in the work to learn how to parent, that’s a reason to stay. What happened this weekend was you showed him what YOU were willing to tolerate in your home... maybe that will serve as encouragement. You just have to be as consistent with him as you expect him to be with his kids. You’re on the right track I think.
Tankh... basically there are
Tankh... basically there are a few ways to play things... sometimes the scorched earth method is needed to "shock" both our partners and their kids into doing the right thing. The "oh crap she really IS serious and things are going to go badly for everyone if I don't straighten up". And as long as you don't lay a hand on the kid and don't call them names and stick to the transgression and how inconsiderate it is etc... you havent' crossed a line. If BM calls to tell you to "leave her kids alone".. the perfect response is "well if you were a good mother and actually taught your children how to behave.. maybe other people wouldn't have to correct them".. that may actually cause an aneurysm..lol.
But otherwise you are a voice of reason an advocate for the kids that things are done because you care how they are percieved by others because you don't want them to suffer.
I guess you can be "good cop/bad cop" all at the same time. and the scorched earth is so much more effective if you reserve all your irritation for that one instance.
LOL. Again I cannot thank
LOL. Again I cannot thank you enough for this!
What it's going to take, is
What it's going to take, is for a male in his life to tell him his kids suck.
From observation over time, it seems that many disney dads think that stepmoms are just batshit and picky on the kids...they think SM is jealous because of the attention on the kids.... and it