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This happened yesterday......

tankh21's picture

Ok this actually happened yesterday it's not about the skids this time it's about my marriage. Sorry it's off the topic but I am thinking that it's getting to the point where maybe I really should go. So yesterday I went to lunch with two co-workers. DH called me once and I didn't answer because I was driving. Then he calls back and I answer the second time and he asks me why I didn't answer the phone the first time he called. I told him because I was driving. He said well who are you with and I told him. He then hangs up on me. I call him back when I get back to my office and he says that I'm cheating on him. I told him I have never cheated on him and never will. I do not believe in cheating. I would be honest and just end the marriage if I truly wanted to be with someone else. He says that he doesn't want me going in a car/lunch with any men or having any men in my car regardless if anyone else is in the car. I would understand if it was one man and I was going to lunch or they were alone in my car all the time but we are talking about a woman and man riding in my car and us going out to lunch somewhere. I think my DH acts like this because BM cheated on him with her boss supposedly and now she is married to him. But, that is not me and it's not fair that I have to deal with this crap. Am I wrong in this situation or is he? I told DH that if he wants this marriage to be over then to just tell me and I will leave. He hasn't told me to leave but he is acting like he doesn't care either. He says that I am mean to him and I only do things for him to benefit myself. I am just really hurt and confused about everything. I want my marriage to work but I don't know how much longer I can take this crap.

Comments

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Tell me the upside in your marriage for you?

With all things being equal, based on this post only: your husband doesn't trust you (accuses you of cheating), disrespects you and is discourteous (hangs up on you), wants to control you (tells you who is allowed in your car), projects his negative past insecurities on to you (history with BM) and blames you for his failings (because you are supposedly mean due to self-interest).

Why do you want a marriage to work in these circumstances and why do you think you deserve to put up with this? I am not being mean or nasty to you at all - that is the LAST thing you need. I honestly don't understand why you think you need to take ANY of this - especially from some one who is supposed to love you? This is not the basis of a healthy relationship IMO.

tankh21's picture

So if it was you would you leave or at least go to counseling and try to make it work.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Only you can decide what your boundaries are and what you are prepared to tolerate or allow in your marriage. For different people, it is different things - and that is quite ok.

For Me to answer what I would do:
Based on what I see here, I wouldnt even try with a man like this. It may even be borderline abusive and once that starts you are broken down to the point where you can not see clearly how bad someone treats you. You justify and excuse behaviour to yourself to cope with the disconnect you feel. So for me, once I see this kind of thing, it is good-bye without even trying.

I am in process of getting divorced, In fact I was back in court this morning explaining that we completed the court ordered counselling and I have not changed my mind: I want a divorce. I only did the counselling because it was court ordered. I knew four months ago that I was done.

Only you (general you) can decide when you are done. If you even are. I don't think you can fix broken people who blame their partners for their failings and shortcomings. They dont have the personal insight or have not reflected on their role in things when they can blame someone else. No it is all you... So why even bother with someone who is incapable of learning? You only end up wasting your time being in love with the idea of a person you constructed in your head. He doesnt actually exist - and everyone sees it but you.

classyNJ's picture

I was thinking about you this morning. I was going to ask for an update.

I also did the same. Went to counselling because I didn't want there to be any question or delay in my divorce from my EX.

{{HUGS}} and hope you have a great weekend!

lieutenant_dad's picture

You're marriage is over, and that's okay.

If you had a history of cheating and were repeatedly not answering your phone, his reaction would be justifiable. Not justified, but I could understand why he is insecure. My recommendation then would be to go into therapy together to work out his trust issues with you.

However, his reaction to this situation combined with his continued scapegoating of you with his kids is grounds for divorce. This may be about his own insecurities, but ultimately it comes down to him not respecting you. I won't say that you are guiltless (even with my emotionally abusive XH, I'm not a total victim; I played the game, too, in retaliation), but when it seems that he is always pulling punches when all you want is clarity or a lunch out with your friends, it's over.

Listen, tis is dangerously close to ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR. If he said he wanted to sit down to discuss why this makes him feel insecure, that would be okay. However, he is trying to control who you see and what you do while giving you the silent treatment and pretending he doesn't care if you stay or go. He is making you question whether you are at fault or he is when you did NOTHING - ABSOLUTELY NOTHING - wrong. He is punishing you because he doesn't like your behavior versus sitting down with you to discuss why it's a problem. That's not okay!

Ask yourself this: Why do you want to stay in a situation where every few days you have to post on an anonymous blog for advice and guidance on whether or not you're wrong? Why do you stay in a home where your concerns are met with yelling, feet stomping, and then silence? Why do you want to stay in a relationship where your spouse doesn't trust you to go to lunch with coworkers and expects you to never be in the presence of another man without him present?

For your own sanity, call it quits. Even if you don't think this relationship is unhealthy, at least recognize that it's not a good fit. You expect one set of standards and he expects another, and you two can't meet in the middle. You can't disengage because it's right in front of you, and he can't stand up to his own kids. Put a toe tag on this marriage and call it done.

You're marriage is over, but as.someone who has been divorced, let me.promise you that it is and will be okay.

Ispofacto's picture

I was in a relationship with a jealous person before and it doesn't get better. It is never justified. DH has been cheated on, and he is never jealous, which is good, because I couldn't live like that. You can't build trust if they always think the worst of you. Even if someone feels jealous, that is no excuse to try to control the other adult in the relationship. Isolation is a form of abuse.

Ninji's picture

Same here, my EX accused me EVERY day during the last part of our relationship of cheating. I never cheated.

My DH was cheated on by his first girlfriend and BM. He has never accused me of cheating and even picked me and my two best friends (one was a male) up from the bar a few times.

DaizyDuke's picture

I guess I want to know... is this new? While it's not OK at all, I am assuming that since you have dated and now been married, this is not the first time you have gone to lunch or out with friends or something of that nature. So does your DH act like this all the time, or is this a first? Is there hypocrisy going on as well? In that does your DH go out with friends, have lunch with female coworkers and it's OK for him, but not for you?

My guess is that because you two have been butting heads over skids and different things, he feels like the end of the relationship may be looming, and he's reliving his past experience with BM. What he needs to realize is that you are not BM, and unless you have ever given him reason not to trust you, he needs to simmer down on his accusations and allegations.

Sometimes I also wonder if these lazy dads are just lazy in their relationships as well. Like rather than talk things out, or tell you that maybe he just isn't happy and maybe he just doesn't want to be married, it's easier to act like a giant arsehole until you just decide to leave. Then he doesn't have to be the bad guy and everything can be all your fault.

tankh21's picture

No he has always been like this. The whole lunch thing started yesterday but he thought I was cheating because he called once and I didn't answer the phone then he called me and I told him that I was driving and I would call him when I got back to my office. He asked me who was with me and I told him the people's names and then he hung up on me. Then when I called him back he said that he thought I was cheating on him.

A few weeks back I wanted to watch this show on netflix called Spartacus and there is nake men on there which was the reason why I wanted to watch it. I mean the guys are hot and everything but I wanted to watch it because I like history and roman stuff.

My DH thinks I just want to look at naked men. I am assuming that BM really did a number on him and that is why he acts this way or maybe he is just a coward and just want to be married anymore because he is tired of our constant bickering about the skids and BM. He told me that he would tell me if he wanted me gone so he either must be lying or just really insecure.

DPW's picture

Who the f*ck cares if you want to see naked men? For the love of dog, has your husband ever heard of the internet? Watch what you want to watch.

HIs controlling ways are not warranted. Tell him he needs to back off and seek some counselling if BM truly did a number of him. This is not fair to you.

"He told me that he would tell me if he wanted me gone so he either must be lying or just really insecure"..... :jawdrop: .... Why are you with this man? This is not love. You do not love yourself nor does he love you. I need you to also consider going to counselling to see why you stay with someone like this. This is not normal.

Oh, and please don't misunderstand my advice: I want the both of you to go to counselling individually, not together. His issues are not marriage counselling issues - he's abusive and jealous and controlling and needs to work on himself, if he can get past his own ego. And for you - you need help with your self-worth and self-esteem, away from him.

ntm's picture

This is not borderline abusive, it IS abusive. An emotional batterer cannot be helped through counseling because they never admit to themselves that they are the problem. Contact your domestic violence shelter and ask for recommendations for therapists to help you through the leaving process.

ntm's picture

Dupe

ESMOD's picture

I think your reasons to go are much longer than those to stay. If this was one isolated instance....maybe you work on it. But with all the other bs...no

justmakingthebest's picture

So... in my experience, the accuser is usually doing something shady. My exH (not kids dad) used to accuse me of cheating all the time. I had to tell him where I was at all times. Always answer my phone, even in work meetings, always tell him who I was with, etc. I never cheated. After things got physically abusive and I left, I found out from exBIL that exH had been cheating the whole time. The reason he wanted to know everything was so that he knew when it was safe to cheat.

I am not saying this is the case, but I would look around a little myself if I was you.

Sweet T's picture

.My husband was in a 19 year relation ship where she was cheating on him. It was devastating for him.

That said he never does anything you are talking about to me. I have even been hit on in front of him and he never treats me like that.

It is abusive and you deserve better.

DisengagedSm54's picture

Sounds so familiar. Jealousy is cruel and abusive. I dealt with this in my first marriage and stayed because of the kids. It happened so gradually that I didn't realize how bad it had gotten. Two specific incidents woke me up. 1) a close friend (girl) called me to meet her for lunch. I agreed and in the interim DH called and wanted to know what I was doing. I told him I was meeting her for lunch and he drove there, yes drove there and had lunch with us. 2) My mom told me that almost every time I was unreachable (this was before everyone had a cell) she would get a call from DH asking if I was there or had I been there.

I began to feel so smothered. I had raised three kids almost all alone. He was a workaholic. Felt like a single mother, so I just became one. It destroys your love for them to be accused, degraded etc. I think he got concerned when I began to have a little freedom as the youngest was in kindergarten when he ramped it up. He was perfectly happy for me to be knee deep in diapers, school drop offs, homework, doctors appointments. When that started coming to an end, he was in panic mode. Chasing me. I hated it.

You can make the pros and cons list and I think as ESMOD stated your reasons to go will be much longer. He will not change.

Sorry (: If I were you I would get my ducks in a row....

Ninji's picture

I didn't realize how abusive my last relationship was until I moved out. I remember coming home from work and thinking I should run to the 7/11 and grab a drink because I didn't have anything but water at my apartment. Then I remember feeling sick to my stomach thinking I would get in trouble if I went without asking.

I still feel like crying when I think about that moment. I was living alone and still afraid to go grab a drink for the store down the street.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I cried once early in mine and DH's relationship because I asked to go get ice cream after dinner and he was supportive of that suggestion. He was so confused why I broke down until I explained how my XH used to react when I'd ask to go. DH knew how XH was as he had been privy to a few of the late night texts/calls XH would make, but he didn't realize just how many things in my life had been tainted by XH.

Oh, there was also the time that DH was helping me unload the dishwasher and turned around with a knife in his hand. Not threatening me or anything, just holding it. I FREAKED and bunches down in the corner of the kitchen. Why? Because my XH would point knives at me about 6" from my face, laughing, telling me he wasn't going to hurt me as he poked it closer and closer to me, as I hunkered down crying and freaking out. DH felt awful even though he hadnt done anything. Now, I have no fear of knives, but it was SUPER intense for a while.

Mrs Fireball's picture

Sorry you're going through this.

Did your DH have a traumatic childhood? He may have a fear of abandonment (ETA - I'm not excusing or justifying his behavior, but this could explain it).

Based on your posts it seems that you really love DH and want to make it work. I hope your DH gets some help and you two can work it out.

HowLongIsForever's picture

I've experienced similar behavior with a very short lived relationship years and years ago. Turns out he was just a manipulative abusive mess. Cheating accusations came from him when he was cheating.

Sounds like his accusations may be coming from a different place. Ultimately though it's all a matter of respect.

Even if his reaction is due to past damage, he doesn't respect or value you (or himself) enough to heal himself from that past.

Couple that with the seeming imbalance in your marriage and home life I would venture a guess that he sees no reason to heal himself.

You can suggest counseling, you can even require it. But he'll not be willing or successful if he doesn't think he's broken. He thinks you're broken. He thinks you're unreasonable. He thinks you're irrational. If he thinks so little of you why is he with you?

From what I remember he's one to stonewall or flip the blame if he does speak but I would insist on a discussion. Even if it's really just you saying what needs to be said.

Don't be surprised if he's not accepting or if he employs the deflection tactics of anger and/or self loathing. I would draw my line in the sand though. His complete disregard of you as his partner is more than enough, now he's putting you on par with BM, attacking your character and being immature and abusive about it.

If he's not willing to make some serious effort towards healing his old wounds I would walk. Based on your prior posts I don't expect him to wage that war for you. And for that I'm sorry. You are worth that effort, no matter how tough it is for him.

Breaking status quo will be seen as an act of aggression until he accepts responsibility for his part in all this mess. That may never happen.

So be ready to hear that it's all your fault. And that he must be right or you wouldn't be taking whatever actions it is you decide to take. Know in your heart that it's not true.

Please take care of yourself whether you stay or go. Don't let his past hurts haunt your life and change you.

Tiger7's picture

Early on in my marriage to my ex, he showed signs of jealousy too. He would look for the time stamped on store receipts and then said something if he thought it took me too long to get home. In the end, turns out he was the cheater - not me. You won't be happy living like this so if he won't take action to fix himself & his own insecurities, your resentments will be evident sooner than later. Once I got out of my marriage - the overwhelming peace I finally got was indescribable.

beebeel's picture

My ex cheated on me repeatedly during the relationship and denied, denied, denied it until after I left him and he fessed up to the ones I knew about and more.

I have never accused my DH of cheating, but I have come real damn close a few times because of how twisted my ex left me. I have never cheated on my DH.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

My DH accused me of cheating once... I had a stalker pop up from my past (exactly what every person who thought they got rid of them wants...) So when Letters started showing up at the house and messages on my phone, I can see why he mightget the wrong idea... I still have NO CLUE how the stalker got all the info... But it freaked Dh out... He knew I had had a few stalkers in my past, but didn't know exactly who or the details (not something I super love to talk about)... So when postcards (literal ones...) started showing up with "I can't live a day without you." and proclamations of love, it looked sketchy as s***. I reported him... Idk really what happened after that, but whatever happened worked, because Mr. Stalker vanished and now DH and I can laugh over how ridiculous it all was.

Talk to him and get his side I guess... But trust is HUGE in a marriage. So he needs to work through some of these unresolved feelings and issues... It doesn't sound like he even made it through a lot of the issues from the last marriage... The last thing you need is that carrying over to your marriage... The beginning of mine was tainted with it. He had just buried instead of worked through. We made it through, but he never accused me of cheating besides with that stalker dude bro.