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Calm before the s*** storm most likely....I am ready!!

tankh21's picture

Everything has been quiet for the past couple of weeks. Is this the calm before the s*** storm from BM? I think it is. MIL is coming on Wednesday, 8/22 and of course BM is going to have no problem pawning off the skids to MIL so she can look good in front of her.

Last time when my MIL came to visit her and BM were in cahoots together. MIL came to the rescue because supposedly we weren't feeding the skids, they slept in dirty beds with no sheets, our house was filthy the list goes on. This was because OSS told BM all of this so MIL was pretending to come "visit" but instead she was checking up on the skids. OSS was crying in his room loudly so MIL could hear him and he said that he was tired of living like he was when he came to our house.

Then I was confronted by MIL and that didn't end well for her. I quickly figured out what exactly was going on then. Any way, I am just curious as to what kind of drama will unfold when MIL is here next week.

I guess she is trying to coordinate something with BM to see the skids so I am preparing myself for them to be at our house next weekend even though it's BM's weekend. I hope MIL knows what her place is now when she comes to visit. If not she will feel my fury and I will remind her where her place is. I do not trust MIL at all because she talks to BM on a daily basis.


ESMOD's picture

Now you know almost 100% with certainty that a grandmother is going to want to spend time with grandchildren on a visit.. as much time as possible... so it's absolutely expected that she might try to get them to your home so she can do that.. overnights and all.

It sounds like for whatever reason, OSS was telling some tales/exagerating what was happening at your home.  Were the sheets really dirty?  did they ever have to sleep on bare mattresses because their stuff was in the laundry.. how much was truth and how much was made up?  Honestly, these are things that YOU stay OUT of.  Your DH is responsible for feeding, clothing and caring and providing for his kids.  If MIL asks you a question.. don't get mad... don't get a chip on your shoulder... just calmly and nicely tell her that her son can answer those questions.  practice how you will say it in your head.  "Oh.. you know your son.. he does everything for the boys.. you will have to ask him when the last time he changed the sheets."  "I'm sure that's not right because your son always makes sure there is good food here for the kids when they come to visit".  "Well, your son has been trying to get them to sleep in their beds and not in the living room so that they get a good night's sleep." 

Do NOT personalize it when she questions.. just deflect and reflect them all off on your DH. 

If she dares say something like "well what do YOU do around here?".. tell her.. well, I work full time, provide insurance coverage for everyone, keep the home clean and take care of your son and the home.  Your son takes care of his kids.. I take care of the rest"

Don't let her get you flustered.. don't "tell her off".. it isn't going to do a thing to improve anything in your life.. zero.

Just redirect her questioning to your DH.. his mother.. his problem.. just like the kids.

If she criticizes how you do something just go "hmm hmm.. " and continue on as you are.  a response of "well my mom taught me to do it this way.. so.... and trail off" is also fine.


tankh21's picture

Yes, I know that MIL is going to but she needs to realize that this affects other people's lives and schedules. I am about to start to new job and need peace and quiet and a good night's sleep. I don't have time for two teenagers making noise at night. I have made DH aware that if he kids do come then they need to be in their rooms when I go to bed.

ESMOD's picture

You really need to learn to accept the things you cannot change (or cannot change without big repurcussions).

It is likely the kids will be there... it's likely they will cut into your sleep a little. Nothing wrong with a nicely worded "can we keep it to a dull roar, I have to get up early for work".. but don't fool yourself into thinking you can "go off or blow up" and that it will improve things.  All it will do is solidify in MIL's mind that you are a mean and bad person.  You may not care.. but when family members don't like you.. it is not good for your relationship with your spouse.  Obviously your DH and his mom are not estranged.. she is visiting... do you want another whisper in his ear about how much trouble you cause? no.. so suck it up for the short time she is there... be pleasant if a bit detached and just accept that you can't control her.. disengage.


lieutenant_dad's picture

Ahhh, nosy MILs. I have one of those. She and BM have a tumultuous relationship (as BM does with GBM), which only brings grief to DH.

DH has hit the point where he tells his mother that if she is going to play with fire, then she can handle her own burn care. Her behavior has resulted in seeing the kids less and less because BM has no need for MIL anymore, and DH doesn't want to deal with her drama.

Just be strong and set clear boundaries. If MIL wants to be thick as thieves with BM, then she can do it at the expense of her son. Most of these MILs don't actually care how their behavior affects their kids so long as they get to be grandma. It's infuriating, but hopefully you can put boundaries in place that let her know that being grandma is a PRIVILEGE and you and DH can revoke that privilege in your home if she doesn't want to play by your rules.

Really, it's only a matter of time before BM doesn't need her anymore and she's up a creek without a paddle.

tankh21's picture

Thanks lieutenant_dad I hope that time comes sooner than later. ESMOD you do have a good point as well that I shouldn't stress myself out over such shenanigans.

futurobrillante99's picture

Why do MILs meddle? Because they live boring, unfulfilled lives. They feel so useless and unneeded, they will criticize everything you do or give unsolicitied advice to seem important and useful in their own minds. Look at me, I have "wisdom" and I will show you how to do things.

Why do MILs stay in touch with the BM? Because they can manufacture popularity or allies by playing you all against each other. It makes MIL feel special, needed, and part of a special "club" that the BM will confide in her against you.

It's all stupid and junior high, but really speaks to your MIL feeling useless and unimportant.

tankh21's picture

Yeah I do not look forward to her coming for a "visit" anytime. I would rather get a root canal LOL!

Siemprematahari's picture

Do NOT personalize it when she questions.. just deflect and reflect them all off on your DH. 

^^^^^^^^^ this is exactly what I would I do if MIL comes around. I wouldn't engage or deal with her too much. Direct EVERYTHING to your H and go about your merry way. Heck try not to be home while she's there. Plan some fun things like a mani/pedi, movies, park, museum, etc.....Anything so not to be in her circle. How long does he plan on staying?