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Dmybf is still inlove with cheating BBYM

Taken4granted's picture

Submitted by Taken4granted on Thu, 01/12/2023 - 4:40am

*fool*Don't get me wrong when we first started dating he was head over heels for me. But Everytime his BBYM comes into the picture I feel like I'm not enough for him. I feel like he wants everyone from her side to think he's found the love of life and moved so they don't think he's still hung up over her. Or maybe it's me being insecure. I don't like him being to nice to her. Call me crazy but I wish he's wasn't such a kisss when it comes to her scolding him about things he doesn't do right. Not only does he care about being on her good side he still cares about being on her parents good side too and that drives me nuts because Dmybf just allows it. But Dmybf has a temper and isn't afraid to stand up for himself but when it comes to BBYM and her family he's comes of as weak .idk I just wish he would go about things in different way...

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ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 01/12/2023 - 7:25am

People want to be liked... that doesn't mean he loves her does it?  He also may be afraid of losing access to his children/child.. and playing nice with the EX and Exinlaws makes it easier..on him..on the kids?

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Thu, 01/12/2023 - 10:21am

The first year or so that DH and I were together I was terrified that he would leave me for her. She cheated on him, she left him, she moved his kid 1300 miles away and established residency while he was deployed! She stopped paying the mortgage on the house they had, she kept taking all his money, she put him in financial ruin... but I knew how much he loved his son and how much family meant to him, so I thought he would go back if the option presented itself. 

I was SO WRONG. He didn't have feelings for her, but he was trying to keep her happy because she controlled access to his son. He was out of state and she was holding up the custody orders. It took us 5 years to get basic visitation established. It was insane! He didn't love her or want to be with her and he wouldn't have wasted spit if she was on fire- but he was nice.... Because he was scared of losing his son forever.

In the end, it happened anyway but it would have probably been even worse had he not been civil and allowed her to be "in control" for as long as he did. These men have it hard with high conflict baby mom's. Family court will always favor the mother. He knows that. He knows that BM has the power to destroy the relationship he has with his kids. So, he plays nice. It sucks and it is hard to watch but, we have to let them do things their way until it directly affects us. Especially if they don't have a rock solid custody order. 

Once it has an affect on your marriage, then speak up and work through it together but until then- while it is just irritating, let it go. It isn't worth it to stress him out even more or make him feel like he has to choose between you and his kids.

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Thu, 01/12/2023 - 1:05pm

THIS. My DH was the same as JMTB's DH. BM was in control from Day 1 and DH had to fight his ass off to see SS when BM allowed (which was never), while custody was figured out. There were times early on that I thought DH might go back to BM just to maintain a family unit and so DH could see SS every day. BM and DH were only teenagers when they broke up so there was an immature "love" and "history" there. In reality, DH wanted to strangle BM most days, but he had to play nice to both her and her family because they were the gatekeepers of SS. If DH played nice, BM granted access; if he didn't, access was taken away. DH spent years in court fighting for a CO. Once a solid custody order was in place protecting DH's rights, DH put up a brick wall with BM and set firm boundaries. There was no more playing nice and there was nothing BM could do to force DH to, but oh boy did she try. 

Now, years later, BM barely messes with DH, but DH also doesn't engage. He has given up any involvement outside of court ordered visitations and phone calls. BM and SS live 4 hours away and BM is in full control. DH let's her keep the full control to keep the peace. He knows there is no other option and it's impossible to coparent since BM is so high conflict. 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Thu, 01/12/2023 - 3:24pm

When I first met Husband he was separated-not-divorced from cheating ex Toxic Troll.

He and I were friends with sparks for a year and a half before we made it "official". A year and a half later he was divorced.

Those are the simple facts, but in between all that was Husband moving her with his truck, "to keep things nice".

Husband buying mattresses and bed frames and food for Toxic Troll Bms apartment "for the kids".

She about blew a total gasket when he filed for divorce. she said she wanted him to wait to 10 year mark "for social security benefits", but he would have owed spousal support "in perpetuity" after 10 year mark. which is why he filed when he did.

All throughout, husband has jumped through hoops "so as not to wake the angry beast". Its fear. In his case. And its very common.