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Are skids GUESTS/VISITORS or is your home their HOME

tabby yabba do's picture

I see this a lot on Stalk...the debate about how much should be expected of skids when they "visit" your home, or whether or not they should have their own room, or share a room.

A lot is dependent on, of course, the CO arrangement. I have skids 100% 24/7. So my home is their home. They have chores, their own rooms. My expectations of skids are the same as my DD11, who lives here around 75-80% of the time. I consider my home my DD11s "home."

So is your skid(s) a visitor? Or is your home "home" to them?
Do you expect your skid(s) to have chores, cook, clean, etc?
What about your bios? If they are with you 50% or less, is your home their "home"? Or are your bios visitors?
At what point would you consider a skid to be a home member vs. a visitor?
If the skid is a visitor, do you treat them like any other visitor in your home? (i.e. a sleepover guest or out of town relative)
Why and why not?

I'm genuinely curious to people's responses, not looking to start a fight.


Willow2010's picture

I think the answer to the guest question is going to depend on if you are the bio parent or step parent.

If my kids could only come 4 days a month, I would still consider it their home. If it was skid, I would feel like he is guest. I think that is just natural, but Iwould never treat my DH's child as a visitor even though he feels like one to ME.

Chores..I do not think weekend kids should have chores. They should, however, clean up after themselves.

JustAgirl42's picture

Just real quick-

I feel like if it's dad's/mom's home, it's their home too, no matter what the custody situation is. Unless they are adults.

zerostepdrama's picture

Before DH and I lived together I know that the skids that didnt live with him considered his home as thier second home even though they weren't there 50% of the time.

They treated it as such, did whatever they wanted there. Definetly made themselves comfortable. They were like little mini wives, taking care of Daaaaddddeeeee.

If that arrangement worked for DH and the skids, that was his business. He knew though that when we moved in together that that arrangment would not work for me.

When we moved in together things had to change. Mostly because the skids still thought they were the wife (serious mini wife syndrome) so there was a power struggle over control. I take pride in my home and I enjoy doing the house stuff.

As with all guests I do the same things to make them feel comfortable in the home.

zerostepdrama's picture

Oh and to add when my BS8 goes to his dad's I always say he is going to his dad's. He says he is going to his dad's. I never think of his dad's house as a second home. Probably because he doesn't go to his dad's that often and he lives 45 minutes away.

I am sure though when my Ex is talking to BS he may say "Time to head home now" referring to his house including BS, that its home too.

I think it makes a big difference on how often the skids come over, how old they are, have they ever lived in the house before, etc.

Jsmom's picture

It is their home, even if they are there 10% of the time. He is the dad and she is the mom, both are their homes. That means rules and expectations also come with that. They are not guests ever. This is cruel to them that they would be considered a guest in their parents home.

Tuff Noogies's picture

for me it would depend on frequency and regularity, not bloodlines. true eowe or even less often, to me is just a visit. i visited my mother as a child. it was not my home, plain and simple. BUT i did help clean up after dinner and picked up/packed my own crap.

50/50 i would think certain chores are appropriate, maybe rotating them between kids. if they're there half the time, there's no reason why they cant do one thing a week to maintain common areas that they also use.

full time? hell yes they need to help out around the house.

i think it's ok for it to feel like home to them if they're there regularly. the boys called our house 'home' years ago when we'd have them thurs/fri thru monday, at least eowe if not sometimes two or three in a row. but it was always consistant, and it was always extended, not just a night or two. and it felt more for me that it was also their home too

Trophywife1229's picture

LOVE IT! That's right you take your home back! I always tell my DH that I'm the one who fucks you, feeds you, and cleans the house so I'm in charge. At the end on the day the GOLDEN V jay jay rules the world.
Also on a side note when the SKIDS grow up they may hate my DH but I'll still be here Smile

vickimill26's picture

I moved in with DH 2 years ago. We get skids Tuesdays and EOW. Shortly after I moved in, some resentment started from the skids, especially the oldest. He corrected me once, I made some comment about when they go home, (BM's) and he told me "this is our home". Other comments were said like I didn't belong there.
Since then, they have become more accustomed to me and no longer listen to BM's hatred for me. They all have their own rooms, are supposed to clean their rooms and pick up after themselves in the common areas, never really happens, but it has been better than the beginning, not as much of a mess in the common areas.

Midwest Stepmom's picture

Ss12 is the only skid of dh, so he gets him own room when here. We have a 4 bedroom and no bios yet, so makes sense. He is expected to do chores when here: my husband delegates trash and yard work to him. He is also expected to keep his room clean.

Sometimes he may feel like a visitor. I make him ask to play video games rather then just turning the system on. But I mainly want to monitor how much game time he is logging in a day. Whenever he is hunger he goes to the pantry I his own, we has to ask for a soda (again to monitor intake). After dinner if he is still hungry, I don't always him to eat sweets. If he is hungry still, then I will make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich first.

When we lives far away, when he had to fly to see us in the summers only. We did not get a 2 bedroom apartment. He slept on a pull out couch.

hereiam's picture

I didn't hang a sign on her bedroom door that said, Guest/Visitor and I did not treat her like an outsider. I called her bedroom, her bedroom, and referred to the house as "home", not MY house but the fact was, it was not really her home in the same sense that her mother's house was.

She had no chores other than picking up after herself. My husband cooked for her, even when she was old enough to do it herself. We didn't make it our job to entertain her all weekend but she had it pretty good.

She never had a key, she didn't drop by after school (we didn't live close enough for that) and she couldn't even have told you our address.

Guest or visitor does sound cold, but... I have never used it to describe SD's visits in real life. I certainly never said it to her or made her feel like she didn't belong here. I have invited her to spend the night as an adult, she has and she said to DH, "This will always be my room." So, I guess I did something right.

ETA: we had her EOWE

Sweet T's picture

I feel like my stepsons were always treated that our house was their home. They had their clothing and possesions that we bought them. They were always good about helping out with things. On their weekends I would plan meals that I know they liked. I know that they knew they were loved.

Bio-Step-Mom's picture

My skids are only here for the summer and I have two bios 100% of the time (their dad is hundreds of miles away so they don't "visit" him often). It isn't feasible for skids to have their own room at our house for 30-60 days out of the year...DH gets sad that they feel like "visitors". DH wants me to "make" DD16 share a room with SD13 when they are here; which I think is unfair to DD. (SD13 shares a room with her mom).

I do not WANT them to feel like visitors but with a once a year visit; I don't think it's avoidable.

When the skids are here they have chores. All four kids are 13-16 so no great age gap. They get put right into the rotation of dishes, bathroom, etc. Last summer DH was doing their laundry which was annoying. If DD16 and DS14 can do their own laundry, the 13 yo skids can do their own laundry too.

Shaman29's picture

Regardless of my personal feelings for H's child, I considered our home, her home.

That being said, she was over only once or twice a month, so it felt like she was a guest or visitor. Not only to me but to H as well, because after a while he stopped making her responsible for dishes, cleaning up after herself, etc. In fact, if she came to me and asked if she could help, I'd give her a chore and H would come in and question why I was having her set the table, clear the table, do the dishes or whatever task I gave to her.

The biggest problem in our home was not me refusing to treat her like part of the family, but H treating her like a guest that must be served.

Bio-Step-Mom's picture

"H would come in and question why I was having her set the table, clear the table, do the dishes or whatever task I gave to her. "


blayze's picture

SO's kids are visitors. Their dad moved into MY home that I've lived in for over a decade. Every other weekend, I tolerate his children coming into MY home. As long as their dad pays a little less than 1/2 of the bills (since his check is eaten up by child support), I don't even consider it his home yet. Blum 3 My son is with me 50% and he has a room and I expect him to do chores. He thinks he lives in two houses, but calls them "Mommy's house" and "Daddy's house." SO's kids are using a spare bedroom for a room and I don't expect them to do chores. I clean up before they come over, just like any other guest.

At first, I was totally willing to open "our" home to the children and let them know that they live here, too. Nope. Not anymore.

Besides being loud, unruly, and giving my peaceful home a chaotic vibe, on the second EOWe visit the oldest child informed me that I had to let her call me by a name that's basically a rhyme of a nickname of my name. I would never let a child call me this nickname and I had already corrected her 4 times. She told me that I "better get used to her calling me that, because at her house...blah blah blah" I cut her off, told her that I wasn't going to get used to anything, that she will call me _______, and that she does NOT live here! A large barbwire fence was then constructed around my heart and I am not letting them in until they can prove they deserve to be there.

These kids are visitors, who better act like good guests, or I'll kick all of them included. (You know, because I'm so full of expectations - like kids should be courteous, listen to adults, and not scream, beg, whine, etc.) If, however, they act better I would love to have them over more and would consider them to be family. Time will tell.'s picture

This is a touchy subject in my home, fdh of course calls it their home even though they are older and not around. sd 22 and sd16 cut her dad off these days and isn't speaking to him but would come maybe 3 times a month for a few hours. We have an empty finished "attic" that's her room that isn't touched by anyone since she refuses to stay. I consider her a visitor he calls it her home. She doesn't pick up after herself or help with anything ever. Never has. Fdh doesn't make her so I make him.
They all have keys to our home so even y hough they stay away they have full access, alarm codes and keys to Come into our house at any time.

Sorry for typos, on my phone

Bio-Step-Mom's picture

The 22 year old has a key to your house? Uhmm no. I'd be taking that back pronto.

We are all my (still married) parents bio kids and they politely "repossessed" their keys as we moved out. Not one of us was home past age 19 though.'s picture

Yes! They all have keys, I hate it. He encourages them to let themselves in if they stop by and we aren't home. Drives me fn nuts

fedupstep's picture

My sd15 is with us only one weekend a month but she has her own room, own tv and, until she showed she couldn't be trusted, her own computer. My DH and I do household chores on Saturdays so she is expected to pitch in (she sweeps the kitchen floor and dusts the livingroom; hardly slave labour). She is required to leave her room as she found it when she leaves on Sunday evening and help with the dishes after lunch on Sunday. She does not think she should have to do anything at 'our house' as she puts it including making her bed since she doesn't live there. Thankfully my DH is firm on this with her. We believe we are teaching her basis life skills she will need when she is out on her own. Some of DH's family is appalled that we have her do anything at all. We have done our best to have her understand this is her home too, but she does not see it that way. If it was up to her, she would treat our home as a hotel.

ESMOD's picture

Even when you are talking NCP.. I think that their parent's home is also their home.. even if they are only there a few days a month. 

TwoOfUs's picture

We always treated skids as if it were their home, too...even thought to me they felt like guests/visitors. 

They shared a room (OSD had her own room at a certain age and the younger two shared, then when she quit coming over for visitation, YSD got that room.) 

They had to pick up after themselves and had some minor chores. YSD liked to help me with dinner, so I let her. Etc. 

I think despite our best efforts, it still didn't really feel like 'home' to them.