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Not so happy new year....

Sydneymck's picture

So not to my surprise New Years was a shambles. My fiancé’s ex decided last minute that she didn’t want her son for New Years and that my fiancé could have him. Which was fine with us. My SO had been saying he wanted to stay home have a nice meal etc with me and my daughter anyway especially since I have been really ill with this pregnancy. 

So we’re readu to get SS and then my SO’s ex then says NO I don’t want him staying at yours and hers house I want you to stay with SS at my MIL’s. So my SO has gotten upset, I say to him it’s fine don’t worry Ile go to my grandmas so I’m not alone with toddler just in case I need any medical attention. Which I genuinely was completely fine with. So my SO’s still had the hump took his son to his mothers and left his son there left for a few hours turns back up at his mothers half drunk and disappeared again. None of us have seen him since! We’re all worried as this has been an on off pattern for a little while now and when my SO talks to me he says his ex makes him feel trapped and then he feels like he can’t breath and all this weight just fills up on him and he just has to get away as he doesn’t want me to see him upset  because he’s supposed to stay strong for me. 

Now I don’t see it like that. I am fully supportive of my SO. I love the bones of him and just want to help. I think he just needs to cut his ex off and go back to co parenting how they used to which was my MIL would speak to his ex and sort it all out.  It then maybe it’s not fair for her to do that? I really need some advice here as I don’t know what else to do? I’m even in hospital again now having complications but nothing more can be done till morning and all I can do is think think think and worry worryvand worry more. What makes it worse is that he’s going to completely kick himself when he knows I’m back here and I don’t want him to feel even worse. 

Comments

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

how does BM get to call the shots at your house? He tells her "our son will be with me, his dad, and you don't get to dictate what I do with him."

Sydneymck's picture

This only started since I became pregnant and I’m only 4 months but because I was so sick everyone new I was pregnant from when I was 7 weeks.  His ex was a little difficult sometimes before. But me being pregnant has turned her into being really vicious. Some people say she’s jealous. But my SS is 10 and they split when he was 6 months old. 

Alien's picture

I’m so sorry you are having a difficult pregnancy:( best wishes! 

 

Im sorry if I’m being too harsh But tell your fiancée to man the f*ck up! He need to be able to handle this sort of situations and learn to put his ex back to her spot and especially when it bothers you and makes you uncomfortable. I would be pissed if that would happen to us.  

Sydneymck's picture

I completely understand where your coming from. But I feel like he has enough pressure from her. I don’t think me telling him off whenever he’s back will help. I feel stuck!

Winterglow's picture

And he is goping to keep on getting pressure from her until he grows a spine and tells her that what goes on on his time is NONE of her business!

Good grief!

Sydneymck's picture

your right! 

He used to stand up to her a lot. But something happened around the same time I got pregnant that really affected him and he’s just completely lost himself. That’s why I’ve said to others it’s like it’s trigfered some type of anxiety in him. 

advice.only2's picture

Have you called the police to file a missing person report/check to see if he's locked up? Checked police reports from the night of New Years Eve?
Started calling hospitals to see if he has been admitted?

Sorry but if my SO has been missing for the last 48 hours and I was in the hospital with complications the last place I would be going was too a website about my stepfamily drama.

I would be moving heaven and earth to locate my SO and doing what I needed to do to take care of my health and that of my unborn child.

Don't take this as criticism, but maybe just food for thought.

Sydneymck's picture

no offence taken at all. Yes I’ve done all of what you said. I even keep checking his emails. Checked to see if he’s used his card. 

 

This is is the fourth time he’s done this and he normally ends up going to his cousins place and then coming home apolosing asking me what he should do with his ex. But I can’t get involved in there dramas. It’s. It my place. 

Havent managed to get through to his cousin. But the police are checking it out. 

ESMOD's picture

Yikes.. step-parenting is the least of your problems. 

I'm going to give it to you straight..

Your fiance has one of three problems.. maybe a combination of them.

1.  He is an alcoholic.. nobody

2.  He has a drug problem

3.  He has a side-piece out there somewhere.

Isn't it lovely that he gets to make excuses for his bad behavior.. "wahhhh my ex was mean to me.. I felt trapped.. I am so sensitive.. it's not my fault".  Look Bucko.. I'm the one who is pregnant by a guy that disappears on the random with thin excuses and can't mentally handle life.  I'm the one that needs to disappear and get drunk!

Nice touch that he turns it around as his benders are being done away from you... for your BENEFIT.  Really?  not knowing whether you are dead in a ditch dude? that is better for me?  You think I can't understand that you could experience stress? 

Being strong for me = disappearing with no word for days.. and dumping your kid off with your mom. 

Nope... I don't buy it.  I BET that the EX did not insist he leave his kid with his mother.. HE wanted to do that because it meant he could have his date with booze/drugs/women/men(who knows)... and you would be at home.

The drug thing is a real likely culprit in my mind since he may intend to come back after just a quick hit or whatever.. but then he gets on a binge and can't stop...until his money is gone.

I would also lay bets that these disappearances coincide with paydays...or times when he comes into some money.

I don't know what to say.. you are in a bad situation with a guy that you can't and shouldn't rely on and pregnant... but as much as you may love him.. he loves something or someone more than he loves you.

Sydneymck's picture

thanks for your comment. 

But like I said previously I’m certain he is suffering from a severe case of anxiety. I know all the signs. I’ve witnessed them and been through them myself. 

 

I understand your thought process 100% but my partner doesn’t hardly ever drink. He’s the type that will have 1 and not risk having g another because he’s a light weight and it’s not something he enjoys. 

Secondly he doesn’t do drugs. Especially in the field of work that he does. 

 

And lastly i know for for a fact there is no other woman. As the other 3 occasions he’s done this he’s been to the same one/two places. His best friend and his cousins. 

 

Thanks again. 

tog redux's picture

But you said: "turns back up at his mothers half drunk and disappeared again" , then you said: "my partner doesn’t hardly ever drink. He’s the type that will have 1 and not risk having g another because he’s a light weight and it’s not something he enjoys"

I'm confused.

Sydneymck's picture

so that’s why we’re all shocked. Because he’s not a drinker.....

ESMOD's picture

Have you checked with those two places/people then?  And.. you did say he showed up impaired at his mom's.. and you said he had been in prison earlier in your relationship.  Bottom line is that he is acting like someone who has something he is hiding from you... or that he can't control.  AND.... drug use can definitely present as what you might see as anxiety issues.. since the drugs often mess with your brain chemistry and your mind doesn't work right.. even when not under the influence.

Him leaving like this multiple times.. is a sign he is having more than just anxiety.. Multiple people are seeing the same probabilities from his actions. 

He is gaslighting you.. "sparing you seeing him like that"  really..

Sydneymck's picture

knowone has managed to get through to those two people. 

If it was a drug problem I’d know. My dad was an abuser of drugs and so was my uncle so I can very easily tell. My ex was also a user and could never hide it from me because I’d always sus him out. 

 

Knowone actually knew what my partner went to prison for. And this is why I said he’s not a bad guy...

he went to prison for an unpaid fine that he got years ago! So before anyone starts thinking he’s some huge criminal he really isn’t. He’s a gentle harmless man that went through a lot at a young age himself and is going through stuff now. 

 

But like ive said I understand for a lot of you to think negative things. The only negative thing on my mind is that he could be injured right now which worries me. 

 

Injust wanted advice in how to sort the situation between him and his ex when he does come home or if anyone thinks it’s even my place to step in now. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

I have anxiety. What he is doing is bullsh*t and wrong. No wonder he and BM broke up. No wonder she is blowing a fuse at him. She is a hag and making things worse but your fiancé SUCKS girl.

Running away like a teenager when he is a grown @$$ man?! Unacceptable!

Sydneymck's picture

and handle it in different ways. 

And the reason they split is because she didn’t want to be a mum and wanted to party all the time while he was bringing his son up alone for the first 3 years. 

SM12's picture

So let me get this straight...you are pregnant and currently in the hospital with complications and your SO is MIA since New Year’s Eve?  What kind of a douche is this guy??   That is a major deal breaker. If he doesn’t have respect enough to come home a s be with his pregnant gf then I don’t think he is going to stick around for the long haul.  Sorry but that is just not ok.

and secondly, the reason BM calls the shots is because your SO allows it.   Do you really want to have a life where your daily happenings are dictated by BM??  She will control everything you do and when

ylu do it.   I promise that is not a fun existence. 

I hope everything is ok with you and the baby....but you really need to consider putting your self and child ahead of this man who clearly is putting you last.

Sydneymck's picture

hi there. I get what your saying and if this was someone else I’d probably say what a punk for being mia. But I kind of get it. I don’t think he’s well right now and I’ve said to him several times these past few weeks he needs to put his foot down and don’t back down to her and told him if he thinks that’s still going to be happening when our baby is here it’s not happening! 

 

Ive even offered to go and sit and speak to his ex. Don’t know if that’s a stupid idea? 

Thanks again. 

StepUltimate's picture

No need for you to give BM the satisfaction of knowing you're in distress. Do not call, text, facetime, or otherwise contact BM or you'll regret it. BM will make sure of that.

Sydneymck's picture

I don’t want her to know I’m in distress. I just thought maybe if me and her can build some type of common ground where them two won’t argue. Or maybe she will gain abit of respect that I’m trying to help the situation but at the same time it’s a hard one as she just seems to want to fight everyone atm. 

tog redux's picture

What the ??

Your SO has an alcohol problem at the minimum, and likely a drug problem too. 

Sydneymck's picture

thanks but my partner rarely drinks. Your lucky to get him to have a drink and he defo doesn’t do drugs, especially for the type of work he does. 

Sydneymck's picture

that’s why we was all shocked. As he’s not a drinker. 

Its easy for everyone to judge him badly. But if you was in this situation you’d feel the same way I do. You know when the person you love is stressed out... more than stressed out...

twoviewpoints's picture

So, did he ever come home from his after-Christmas escape? You blamed SS for that one When he went to his mother's and even took the whole day off work the following day while you cried and carried on via phone over his absence). Now BM is to blame for this disappearing act.

Talk to the patient advocate and see about having a social worker sent in to speak with. This man isn't someone you count on and someone needs to help you sort it all out. Who has your daughter now while you are in hospital? 

Sydneymck's picture

he didn’t disappear at Christmas. He was home with me and my daughter. And when he left for my MIL that was 3 days after Christmas for 2 nights so that’s not disappearing either as he stayed at his mums with his son but there was complications with it due to what his BM has been saying to SS  

 

My my daughter is with a family member. 

Disneyfan's picture

The man is using drugs and/or cheating.

No responsible man goes MIA because his ex made him angry.  No responsible man NEEDS his mommy to play interference for him.

Something is up with this dude.  

tog redux's picture

I don't mean to be harsh - but in your last blog, you were freaking out about the "nightmare" of your SO spending days at his mother's home with his son.

In this blog, the guy has been missing for 2 days and not only are you not worried, you "kind of understand" this pattern he has of disappearing at random moments.

For ME, a "nightmare" would be my DH being missing for 2 days. And a DEAL BREAKER would be my DH going missing for several days on the regular.

None of this make sense to me.

Sydneymck's picture

if I wasn’t worried I wouldn’t of called police, hospitals, friends etc..... 

 

yes i understand. And only certain people will understand I don’t expect everyone to. 

And if it’s not making sense to you then what’s the point in commenting? Why waste your time?

tog redux's picture

Sorry, thought you were looking for suggestions, but apparently not.  I will refrain from commenting going forward, since you are just shooting down everything that people say.

Sydneymck's picture

I am looking for suggestions.  But your not suggesting anything are you?

And im not shooting down what people say at all. 

And said I understand for people to think the worst but it’s easy for you to do so when you don’t know him. If I genuinely thought he was an addict in any way I would say so and I wouldn’t even be with him. But I know for a fact he’s not. 

 

Inwanted suggestions on do i I step in more when it comes to the drama between him and his ex or do I just focus on getting him therapy and hoping he will stand up for himself more. 

Step-girlfriend's picture

Oh my goodness. What a sh*t show this is.

First of all, as long as your fiance bows to what BM says, she will continue to do it. It doesn't matter if you were "ok" with being home alone on NYE, he never should have agreed to it in the first place. He never should have left you alone. It's either, SS comes to your house, or no dice. He needs to get a custody order in place, and then follow it. If BM can't follow it, you can get a communication website set up that will monitor all her shenanigans. We use Our Family Wizard, and it has helped IMMENSELY. I highly recommend it. BM here was always changing her mind about things, harassing us....this has pretty much cut that out because she knows the courts can read it if needed. Changed our lives.

Next, I think my SO disappearing on me for days at a time with no communication would be a dealbreaker. I hope you know that this is not ok. If he needs help dealing with things, then he needs to get help. But having you sitting at home worried sick while you're having a difficult pregnancy should NOT be an option. When he shows his face again I would tell him he either gets into therapy, no excuses, or it's done. And that he either takes steps to get this BM fiasco under control, or you're gone. You have a baby coming, who is going to have to deal with all this same crap. Please don't marry this man.

 

Sydneymck's picture

I do think a court order is the best thing. As they both just argue over nothing. And my partner is not a confrontational person so he will just back down and she knows that. 

We signed up for therapy as he wants to do it but there’s a long waiting list. 

Ive heard of this family wizard thing before but only in the USA I’m in the uk so would have to look into it or something similar x 

Step-girlfriend's picture

You definitely should look into it. There are things to help the problems your fiancé has, but he needs to step up and try to make the changes as well. I hope you hold him to some expectation of change, or I can’t imagine your relationship working out. 

Sydneymck's picture

He’s been at the hospital. Not a local one. But he knows changes need to be made. He’s got a lot on his plate and has had a health scare which he hadn’t told any of us Sad he didn’t want to worry anyone most of all me. But I’m sure progress can be made and we can get back on track. 

Sydneymck's picture

Thank you so much. Ile have a look at this tonight x

DPW's picture

IF SO IS A GOOD GUY: If your SO is at a level of mental incapacity (as I believe you are inferring... "anxiety") and has run four times already to "escape" from regular life because he can't handle it, and further leave you alone during a risky pregnancy, then your SO needs treatment - like a police escorted, 72-hour hold in-hospital treatment. This is not normal behaviour and he obviously cannot cope and who knows what lies next when his "escapes" are no longer helpful.

IF SO IS A BAD GUY: WTF are you thinking? Get some therapy, please. You need to work on your self-esteem and also learn how to bounce this guy from your life, as best you could since you are now carrying his child. This guy is an a**hole. 

In my opinion, he's an a**hole, but since none of us have you convince of this, perhaps you'll take my advice first mentioned above. Perhaps.

Sydneymck's picture

he wants the therapy and the help it’s just the waiting list is long! Even to go private it’s pricey which his mother has offered to pay for but the waiting list is long on private also. 

So I don’t know what else to do atm. I know for a fact it’s anxiety. 

 

Thanks for seeing both points but I defo don’t need therapy. I may worry a lot and be deeply inlove but I’m not blinded by love. 

I’ve been the girl with a low self esteem before. With a mother that used to abuse me and I got away. Then was with a man for 6 years that abused me and I stood up to him eventually also and got away. I’m a strong woman. I’ve been through a lot. 

I wouldn’t be with someone that puts me in that place again. I feel like he’s the old me right now. I’d run and hide and cry and back down and that’s why I can understand what he’s going through. And it’s Not easy to overcome but it can be overcome. 

DPW's picture

That's good to hear that you've come so far.

Again, if your SO is one of the good ones who has lost his way, he needs way more right now than to do nothing but sit on a waiting list for therapy. 

Sydneymck's picture

thank you! 

Is there anything else you could advise while we’re waiting? 

Obviously we live in different countries so it may be difficult. But the more suggestions the better!

lieutenant_dad's picture

That trauma is exactly why you need help, too. No one comes out of all of that okay. And it leads to making poor relationship choices, even if they are better than the really poor decisions that were made before.

It is possible for bad relationships to be better than old ones but still be bad. It is not your responsibility to put your SO back together, and you are in no position right now to provide that level of support.

Sydneymck's picture

Your comments are amazing. 

After everything I’ve been through I’m very self aware and emotionally aware. I get what your saying about thinking I’m in a better place now but I know I am not a ‘victim’ anymore (I hate that word) if I ever felt like I needed more support myself I’d go get it 100% 

 

I know I need to put myself and my daughter and my unborn baby first which I’ve said that to my partner. And he needs to put himself first before he can get better. 

I know I can’t fix him but I can support him x

lieutenant_dad's picture

You also don't have to be a "victim" in order for something to be bad.

You can be co-dependent, or be leeched, or be too rose-colored in your thoughts. It's not always about someone being a perpetrator and someone being a victim. Bad relationships, or those affected by trauma, can have far more subtle unhealthy dynamics - such as one person being the responsible parent (you) while the other is the reckless child (your SO).

Sydneymck's picture

yeah I understand what your saying. We’ve never had problems before. And as I said him and his ex only started arguing more often when I became pregnant. So yes he’s the wreckless one atm. Just need to find a way where everyone’s content if that’s the right word. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I get the disappearing act. I really do. My DH did it for about 6 months after he and BM split due to all the drama (and I do mean DRAMA) she and my MIL were causing (like BM moving her BF into my MIL's house and trying to kick my MIL out). He broke, and he felt awful for it.

BUT my DH made sure a few things when he did this:

1.) His kids were with a parent. In his case, BM.

2.) He told one family member where he was and what he was doing (though BM knew where he was - at least an address).

3.) He sent paycheck after paycheck to BM for CS.

4.) He didn't bring another partner into it.

5.) He got over his crap and moved forward.

My DH isn't proud of what happened, but he didn't just leave everyone hanging. My DH did something selfish; your SO is doing something stupid. He is putting his job at risk while he has a kid, fiance, and baby on the way. He is putting stress on his already-high-risk pregnant partner. He is undoubtedly freaking out his son by disappearing on him (my DH was military and his kids had grown up not seeing him for months on end). And he hasn't done one darn thing to make things better.

When he comes back, you need to tell him to get his head screwed on straight or he'll have 2 baby mamas instead of 1. Do not tolerate this crap from him. Mentally ill or not, he is a father with responsibilities. He HAS to get his sh*t together whether he wants to or not. It would honestly be better for him right now to not see his son if he can't figure out how to interact with BM. Yes, it's too much to ask MIL to do, and he had to learn how to do it.

Even by mentally ill standards (which I know super well, too, having been raised by a bipolar mother, having a chronically depressed sister, and suffering with my own anxiety issues), this is abhorrent. This behavior isn't okay. He needs to be held accountable and understand the BS stops NOW. Otherwise, this IS your life for now and ever.

For him? Temporarily halt visitation, get into therapy, and if he is in crisis, get into crisis care, even if it is residential. Until he can manage his emotions where his first instinct isn't to bow to BM and run away, he needs to not be worrying about being a dad or partner because he can't be one. And YOU can't fix that.

Sydneymck's picture

thanks so much for your comment! 

He left his son with his mum because he wouldn’t have wanted to leave me with two children while being sick and pregnant. And also his ex doesn’t really care how long she doesn’t see there son for because she knows she calls the shots unfortunately. 

 

Something sefo ego needs to be done. Trying to look for other help while waiting for the therapy. 

 

And its its mad that you said maybe he shouldn’t see his son for now. My mother in-law said exactly the same thing today!x

lieutenant_dad's picture

Note that I also said that he can't be a partner.

That means you need to plan to go this pregnancy alone or with someone other than your SO.

Find a friend or family member who is reliable and you know can be there to help you and your daughter. You're going to need that person more than you know.

Tell MIL to give SS back to BM. Then tell her to STOP bailing out her son. As much as it might hurt her right now, tell her that SO needs to hit rock bottom before he'll get better.

Then tell SO his job right now is to go to work and find a therapist. He can't be trusted with anything else - you or his son included.

Sydneymck's picture

your right he can’t be. I know this. I’ve told him this the other week that I can’t rely on him right now because he can’t even help himself atm and he was upset about me saying that. But I’m a very honest person weather my comments are liked or not and that’s one thing he loves ands respects about me. 

I’ve got the support that I need when he’s not here. 

 

Me and and my MIL are very close and have amazing conversations but can I really tell her what to do when it comes to her grandson etc? 

ESMOD's picture

Could you go live with your mother for a while?  I think you honestly need to let your fiance figure his stuff out without the worry of you.  Tell him you can be there when he is ready but that you can't subject yourself to these hijinks and unplanned absences.  You need to be with someone who you can rely on period.. and right now, he isn't capable of taking care of himself, much less someone else.  so on the odd chance he isn't having a drug/alcohol/affair.. he needs to prioritize his health so that he will be able to be "there" for the baby when it comes.  Everything else right now.. wedding plans.. visitation with his kid.. time with you.. all need to STOP... until his head is on straight. 

Sydneymck's picture

don’t know how much of my previous replies you read but no I’d never go and stay with my ‘mother’ she doesn’t deserve to be called a mother. She used to abuse me and still abuses drugs till this day. 

 

But I’ve got the support I need thanks. 

 

Hes been at the hospital and we are getting help. He will be transferred to a closer hospital tomorrow and we will go from there. 

 

Thanks again. 

Annoyed1's picture

Omg! I feel so bad for you. Just reading this I can see how easy you are to walk all over. You need to lay down the law with this man. I get that you love him, but he's walking ALL over you. He's lying to you about where he is. No one disappears for days on end without it involving drugs, alcohol or another woman. And to be honest, it sounds like BM could be that other woman (but I'm just going off what you posted here). You need to grow a back bone and tell this "man" to stop acting like a child and be there for you and your baby. He's behaving with what he knows he can get away with. You teach him how to be treated and you're allowing yourself to be a doormat. What do you get out of this relationship other than stress and grey hair?!?! 

Sydneymck's picture

once again it’s easybfor you to say this. 

I’ve experienced being around addicts etc.... it’s none of those things. And I’m far from a doormat. And I’ve got a huge back bone. I’m a survivor or abuse sexually,  physically and verbally. So please don’t suggest that I let people walk over me. I’ve been there and I’m far from that. 

 

Plus my relationship has always been amazing, everyone happy, everything in order- it’s just the last 3 months have been difficult a few times.

my partner has been in hospital. He purposely went to a far one as he didn’t want us to know what he was going through other than his mental health and has had a physical health scare on his mind for the past months and been dealing with it alone  

 

Aniki's picture

Is he cheating? 

What legal document says BM can dictate where he has visitation and with whom?

Sydneymck's picture

No he’s defo not. I know this for a fact as I know where he’s been on the 3 other occasions he’s done this. And I now know where he’s been this time. He took himself to a hospital quiet a way away....

 

theres no document. She will threaten that she will stop my partner from seeing him but really she has no right. To be honest she’d be silly to do so as then we would have to go court and no child deserves to go through that. But then it will show he has always been a consistent father and he bought his son up without her till he was nearly 4. And his son has said to my partner many of times he’s like to live with us. But then recently has been having some Behavioral problems due to things his mum has put in his head which have been quiet hurtful. 

Sydneymck's picture

thank you. It’s something we are going to look into. 

Monkeysee's picture

I’m not sure you’re actually looking for help, moreso validation of some kind that things are going to be ok. You’ve gotten a lot of suggestions but you seem to shoot everything down you don’t agree with, and that in itself is concerning. 

I know you’re worried about your SO, but you’re pregnant & it’s high risk.. that should be your main priority right now. There is no way your SO’s little disappearing acts aren’t adding stress to an already stressful situation, and frankly you don’t need it right now.

You say he can’t get into counselling bc of the wait list, but can he not - at minimum - go to the dr for some anti-anxiety medication? Or call a crisis centre when he feels the urge to ‘run away’? There are options out there that don’t involve leaving his kid & SO stranded while he does god knows what with god knows who. 

You need to take your head out of the sand here. Your SO doesn’t need half the consideration you’re giving him, what about YOU and your unborn child? What about his kid??

If BM asking him to take his kid for a night & demand SS not be around you (to which the reply should be a swift & sharp NO) is enough to throw him into a spin for 2 days like this, he needs help. Now. Not when the waitlist clears up.

I know you think you’re helping him by making all these excuses for what he’s doing, but you’re enabling his inexcusable behaviour. There are much bigger issues here than him simply having anxiety. Many of men on this site have HCBM’s and they don’t go running for the hills this way.

Take your head out of the sand and take care of your DD and unborn child. Make him a drs apt for meds, or fall a crisis centre, or both. Then draw a line of what you will & wont put up with, bc you don’t need the stress right now. You were in the hospital for heavens sake! Stop excusing his p*ss poor behaviour & take care of yourself.

Sydneymck's picture

thanks for your comment. 

The only things I’ve shot down is when people are accusing him of being an addict. Or a cheat. Because I know he’s not. 

 

And when people have said I’m a doormat or maybe I need therapy. Which it’s not that either as I’ve been through a hell of a lot and overcome it before I met him. 

 

He he did take himself to a hospital that was quiet a way a way to get help so that’s where he’s been. The hospital called me. 

Hes also been going through a physical health scare this past month that he didn’t mention to me as he didn’t want to stress me or make me worry to make me more sick. 

 

But im proud of him for doing this alone and I know he needs to help himself and get better before we can get back on track. 

Monkeysee's picture

Proud of him for doing this alone? Despite the obvious stress it’s causing you? I agree he needs to help himself but the way he’s choosing to do it is completely backwards. 

I’m glad he took himself to the hospital, but he did it in THE most selfish way possible. I hope you can see that. I know you don’t want to give him a hard time, but I also hope you don’t continue to put yourself last the way you are time after time.

If my husband checked himself into a hospital, OR had a major health scare without telling me or anyone we know, I’d be incredibly upset. We have an open line of communication, which is important in a healthy, respectful, functional relationship.

I hope for your & your kids sake, you start to genuinely make those things a priority. As it stands right now, and as I stated previously, you are doing nothing but enabling him. It might be ‘easier’ in the moment, but it won’t be in the long run. Good luck.

Sydneymck's picture

I do tell him what he’s been doing recently is wrong and it needs to be sorted. But I’m not going to go to far to make him feel even worse. Yes I’ve been angry and said to him I think he’s selfish etc but sometimes that can push people away further. 

 

Weve never had communication problems ever. I think he’s just over thinking everything and putting to much weight on his own shoulders has this anxiety etc and goes into I need to get away mode so he doesn’t affect other people. So he’s not doing it out of selfishness etc he thinks he will be in the way if he’s not 100% which I keep telling him he won’t be in the way. 

 

And i I do make my daughter a priority so please don’t ever doubt that. I’m a very good mother. I do a lot more than most parents do for there children with my MS and with being pregnant. I have a lot of people quote on what a good mother I am. 

Yes im upset he kept this other health problem a secret I was really upset yesterday that he didn’t just tell me as he usually tells me everything. But he didn’t want to tell me straight away as he was worried how I’d take it. 

Which as a woman with a serious health condition myself I completely understand. And it’s a fact that men find it harder to talk about there health than women do. 

 

Thanks for your input. X

susanm's picture

Can I assume that you tried to call him when you were hospitalized and he did not pick up your call or get your message and show up?  That right there would tear it.  What was he doing that was so crucial that a hospitalization for you and your unborn child together was not more important?

Sydneymck's picture

no he’d never ignore me. His phone screen got completely smashed due to my daughter dropping it. 

 

Even when hes he’s home. The slightest movement I make he’s checking if I’m ok, running me baths, making sure I’m eating enough, taking little one to school if he’s lot working etc....

you-can't-argue-with-crazy's picture

It sounds like your fiance is an alcoholic (my ex was, and he would take off from time to time)

My fiance has anxiety....he's never taken off and he deals with a batt shit crazy baby momma. 

Sydneymck's picture

he’s defo not. 

As I’ve said previously that’s why we was all shocked that he was a tad drunk as he’s never been a drinker. Not even in his younger years. 

 

I’ve suffered anxiety myself and used to disappear for days. Not talk to anyone for weeks etc. If anything I was worse than him. 

Everyone handles anxiety differently. 

But he’s admitted himself into hospital and getting the help he needs.