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What is child support supposed to cover?

sweetthing's picture

Just curious. Does anyone know? Is it supposed to include activities that the parent recieving child support signs the children up?

Just having a moment of financial anxiety of worrying about paying for half the ortho, the huge increase in our health insurance premium ( we went with better plan) and new baby on the way and all the extras that seem to pop up.

Oldest is getting bigger & per BM is now wearing size 10 ( is that a hint that we need to buy more clothes, his 8's seem to fit fine) She is supposed to provide clothing for visits, but sent too small crap last summer for both boys so I just started buying our own and she knows this. I made him try on every pair of pants at our house and there are 4 pairs of jeans that looked & fit just fine.

She just signed SS up for baseball & registration was $100.00. I am sure the $50.00 will appear on our tab with daycare this month.

I feel like I am being miserly, but I just want to know what child support is supposed to cover? BTW the decree does not say we have to pay for activities, but DH doesn't want the kids to think he doesn't care about them.


MamaTracy's picture

This is what I was told by the Attorney General's Office that did the paperwork on my SS...

CS is the NCP's portion of the expenses of the child, including housing, food, clothing and so on. Unless the order specifies that he is to pay for additional stuff (school gear, extracurriculars, etc), he is under no obligation to provide extra money when she asks.

So it seems to me that is is up to Dad if he wants to help pay for's not like she (BM) can demand it if it's not in the paperwork...

JanetsPlanet's picture

Our child support has been over for some time, but seeing this I wanted to respond. We paid child support every month and it was up to the mother to pay all expenses out of that. If she wanted to enroll him in stuff, great but it was her dime. Everything went through the court and how she received her check. Not a good idea imo to even start the process of letting bm ask and receive money. That was probably the mistake to begin with.

Elizabeth's picture

We have just been hit for CS, and our lawyer told us (in MO) that CS is to cover living expenses. Extras that are not covered by CS and must be negotiated include medical expenses and activity fees.

New Stepmom's picture

My DH's papers state that he is responsible for child care and extracurricular activites. Since she carries them on her insurance, he is to pay co-payments and prescriptions when they have to go to the doctor.

I really do not like this agreement and wish I had been in the picture when it was being developed. It doesn't cover long term, like what happens when the girls are too old for after school care and summer camp? Will he have to start writing her a check? And how much should he give her? The same amount that he paid the daycare each month? I also do not like that it states he is responsible for all activites the girls are involved in - it should say "within reason". You know she has them involved in something everyday just so she can get all the money she can out of him.

She has tried on three different occasions to get more money out of him, but three different lawyers pretty much told her she was crazy. Based on the amount of overnight visits he has, plus the expenses he already pays, they told him if she tried to fight it, she would probably end up getting less money and she was better to just leave it alone. She told this in confidence to one of her friends, who happens to be friends with my hubby's best friend - so that got right through the grapevine really quick. She has no idea that we know this.

I wish my husband would just revisit the situation and get a lawyer and nail down a solid dollar amount of what he should pay and just start doing that, versus this amount of money that can vary from month to month. I like consistency!

smurfy1smile's picture

I live in MN and through the court web site you can download forms to modify child support without a lawyer. You present your facts - income, debts, etc and then you serve the other party and they have the opportunity to do the same. The fee is pretty nominal but you can file in forma paperus (spelling may be wrong) and get the fee reduced or eliminated due to your income. The forms are pretty easy to understand and include instructions.

In MN, the parent paying child support pays a portion of the child care based on the average yearly cost (minus the child care tax deduction) and it is added to the child support amount along with any part of medical insurance they are required to pay. The non-reimbursed medical expences are split by a percentage between the parents and the parent who is be reimbursed bills the other parent either quarterly or yearly depending on how much is owed.

Hope this helps!

sweetthing's picture

She doesn't demand she just ads it to our tab. Monthly we get a bill for daycare expenses. She knows DH feels guilty because he was the one who initiated the divorce and he would NEVER say no. He did tell her no more than two activities per year as they kids need time to be kids.

They had seperated before & were going to start the process & then DH's dad had a heart attack & had surgery. They both wanted it but he was the one who moved forward. His family made him feel like a heel, because they love her. He was told repeatedly he was making a mistake & they supported her not him. Becasue they put on a good front no one knew they were both miserable. If you asked her today she would tell you she is happier too. She has a very nice BF & seems quite happy with him.

I think it's my own control issues that make it hard for me. I's hard for me ( and for DH)to have someone else calling the shots for us. I love my ss & know how much he LOVES baseball. ( I hate having to be around the other baseball parents... now these people are a piece of work and a whole other story.)

Thanks for the info... I think my hormones are running rampid today. Smile

Candice's picture

it states that all my dh is responsible for is cs, and that covers household, food, clothing, school lunches...the normal functions of life. It states in ours that while my dh is not obligated to pay any percentage of extra curricular acitivities, he is encouraged to do so b/c it benefits the child. Our state feels that cs should not be used to cover a portion of sporting/music events.

With that said, we guarded ourselves and we determined that we will pay for sports we enroll ss in, and she pays for sports she enrolls him in. Our bm doesn't take the time out of her life to actually raise her kids, so she out of being spiteful, would say she is enrolling ss in sports he isn't even interested in, just to spend dh's money.

I'm not sure what your situation is financially, but please keep in mind that sports are very important to kids. I know it's aggravating to see your dh constantly shelling out money, making your lives on a budget, but the $50.00 isn't for her, it's for ss. If you feel better about it, pay the little league directly, and they can refund her the money. Sometimes paying bm's extra money is the real burning issue, rather that the cost itself.

But the answer to your question is, in some instances parenting plans cannot require non-cus. parents to pay for sports.


Anonymous's picture

I receive child support from my ex husband, and he says that the money he gives me for our boys is suppose to be used for only them. Not to be put in our checking account. What is your take on this|? V.O.

Cruella's picture

Does not dictate what you spend the support on. You have a home to pay for, food to buy the children, clothing, utilities, daycare. All these items are costly and are necessities for the children. I don't know about your state but in mine you do not have to provide an accounting.

Anonymous 12345's picture

Child support is for the taking care of the kids. Rent/mortgage, utilities, groceries, insurance, etc are part of taking care of the kids and your household. Child support is meant to attempt to keep the kids in the lifestyle they would have if their parents were together under the same roof.

If you don't put it in your account where are you supposed to put it? Does he want an accounting of where the money goes? If so, do not give him one - it is none of his business. Plus you can't ask him where he spends his money so he should not be able to dictate where you spend yours - earned or child support.

PHX's picture

I disagree. Child support is the children's money period and not the ex-spouses. If they put it in their personal account so be it, but the money belongs to the kids. If the ex truly needs it to provide food, shelter, etc... great use it for that. If they don't it should go for future expenses ie. college, car, etc... and not for the ex's personal desires.

Krzytru's picture

Child Support is NOT the child's money! It is the the parents money to help take care of the child!

john's picture

I am divorced with one daughter and pay support in the state of Georgia. What I was told is that it doesn't really matter what account it goes in to, but it should go towards the well being of the boys only. not getting nails done, not paying rent,not paying electric bills, cell phone bills etc. but food, clothing, school needs, school lunches, anything that will benefit the boys only. I have this trouble with my ex....she thinks I need to pay support plus everything else. She has the skills to work a full time job and needs to, and was awarded no support for her self..John

Taurusgal's picture

The Way I feel is that if a man is paying child support he shouldn't have to pay for anything else because basically the child support money is what it is support for the child see some of these women need a reality check all they want is money they could care less about anything else and most of the time the child support is going towards their expenses I know this for a fact my husband is dealing with it right now were his ex-girlfriend told him and another man that her child was theirs and for 12 years this lie went on this lie she created because she slept around and only for a DNA test to prove that my husband was the father not to mention that she even let the child live with this other man and call him dad and robbed my husband of 10 years of this child's life and now she wants child support when she's unfit a drug addict and a drunk never worked a day in her life had 4 other children one died in her custody no stable home he's been coming to our house every weekend so far me and my husband have 3 other children together and he is a great dad never ran away from his responsibilities and the ex-girlfriend knows that she's just so bitter behind them not being together it's ridiculous she knows he's a good guy and a good father and she just lost out so her only way of getting back at him is to go and put him on child support when neither one of them knew for sure that the child was his no DNA test had ever been done until now and it's very sad because the child doesn't even call him dad because she had him calling another man dad for so long just sad.

Shopaholic's picture

this should all be stated in child support paper work and parenting plan. I am going through the exact same crap right now with BM trying to sign SS up for activities and I just finally said "no, not going to happen" it is too expensive for us right now and SS is not pulling good enough grades. Also we have not received a child support payment for about a year and 1/2 but I heard she got a job recently so hopefully the dough should be rolling in soon! Yea!

Anonymous's picture

I'm distraught and just need to hear other opinions. we just went back to court to get cs reassessed since our oldest turned 18. No big deal this is just part of the process. i was not to uptight about it. but in my state they now take into consideration the income of both primary and alternate parents. they also add into factor who pays the health insurance premium and then they take into consideration the amount of time children are with each parent. well my ex did not get the reduction that he wanted because he does not exercise is visitation rights. he is sooo mad that i was able to show the judge how much time he has spent with the children in last seven years. he told my other children 11 and 15 that i told the judge they do not go to his house every other weekend so he has to pay more in child support. so he is demanding the kids start coming to his house more. so now the kids are mad at me because i ruined their fun, instead of seeing their dad they often spent time with their friends instead. so everyone is mad at me. my kids think i try to take money from their dad. in 7 years i never asked for an increase. i never asked him to help with sports, church or school activities or clothing. i just expect cs. my kids have played in many activities baseball softball soccer, gymnastics, dance cheerleading basketball, football etc. i have never once asked for, neither has he ever offered to help with uniforms, registration, trophies, working concession stands, booster clubs, fundraisers, brought kids to and from practice or games. as a matter of fact he has told the kids they should not put activities before spending time with him. my kids are so upset but my word means nothing to them. they stick up for him and i am mud. i try to defend myself but they don't care to hear my point of view. and i am tired of trying to defend myself to my kids.

shandee's picture

seeing their dad? Because he didn't want to or they didn't want to a little of both? Even if kids don't want to go the parents are always more important than friends & "fun time" unless they are being hurt by the other parent. I know its hard and everyone wants to believe they are the favorite parent but kids need to learn both sides of the fence it gives them skills as they become adults how to parent , how to successfully deal with ppl they don't always agree with or want to deal with. What if everytime a child didn't want to deal with the other parent for whatever reason... pick anything, and they are allowed to ignore the situation rather than deal with it, what happens when they get in the real world , work place and can't effectively handle situations that aren't really desireable.Sometimes the things we do as parents are hard, but faith make things possible , not easy!!! As for defending yourself to your kids you shouldn't have to , aren't you in charge? Well I take that back we like to feel like we are but we aren't always unfortunately. I can't defend myself to my kids anymore its pointless. Just make a few good points to them and go on, they will get eventually.
I wish you luck with this maybe your kids shouldn't do so much if their dad isn't involved,then they will be on him to get involved? In our state it clearly says consideration should be given to the childs desired activities but parenting time comes first he is not obligated to take them to anything on his time,but he has to explain to the kids why he doesn't want to . This was very effective for me, I told the dad you don't have to bring them but i'm not going to make them sit on the sidelines on my wkends because you don't want to be invovled , so if they can't make it on your time you explain that to them i'm not . And he lied to my daughter about why he didn't taked her to a game and she caught him in the lie, now talk yourself out of that. Do you get what i'm saying?

Persephone's picture

with your ex. If he has missed all these years and now that they are involved with extracurriculars. It is up to him to take time for the kids. If you were still together these kids would be doing what they are doing--- outside activities and a social life. He telling the kids that he has to pay more because he doesn't spend enough time with them is him looking the victim and the kids will feel sorry for him. (Read my posts on PAS). Does 'dad' take time out of his life to spectate or volunteer at these activities--no. What has he done to involve himself in his kids lives? Your kids may be angry with you, until... they miss an important activity to hang out with dad. Are you really sticking up for yourself or them?

This pushes my buttons!! My ex had done the same thing. He tried reducing CS when our dgtr turned 18. I said go ahead 29% of what you made 10 years ago is less than 25% of what you make now--$200.00 more a month. He is an EOWend never attends school confrences, doesn't ask to see report cards, no plays, concerts, sports, recitals... you name it. He is my babysitter EOWend. EXCEPT. When the oldest got a job, boyfriend, dances.. he cried poor me-- and claimed that I withheld her. Right.. What was he doing at 15-16-17-18???

Now my two youngest have a social life and activities and he said the same thing... I told him if you didn't learn from the first one.. you need to find other ways to be involved in their life.. they are growing up and moving on.. hell I do not see them as often as I used to. He is trying.. if the girls have a dance on Friday, he will pick them up after the dance or in the morning. The girls used to miss their friends birthday parties and cried... I now let them go to the parties. But the girls have to ask their dad and make the arrangements. (I found if I stay out of it they foster communication and he doesn't feel like it is me "withholding")He has no problem switching weekends for fishing and hunting.. the kids should not miss out on their teenage years.

Don't beat yourself up.. the kids will know who has raised them and who they can depend upon. When they are older they will see that he tried to save money and it blew up in his face.. hey they may even resent him for not playing an more active role in their life and now in order to save money it messes up the kids social life. OR maybe they will ask him to volunteer for this and that and you may actually get a break!!!!

Anonymous's picture

My husband pays $500.oo a month in child support for his 1 daughter who is 11 years old. The mother is always asking us for money for her extra activities. She asked us last week to pay $125.00 for a volleyball camp which is $250.00. Im upset because she has told the child that she can only go if her dad pays for half of the camp. I do not think we should have to pay for half the camp, when she has refused to let us have joint custody even though we have her every other weekend. Is'nt that what child support is supposed to be for.
Somebody please give me some suggestions on what I should do.

Michele's picture

Hi, I had to write because I am also in the same boat. But, I am a mother who pays child support for two kids (was 3, oldest turned 18) and my ex and/or his wife are always telling my kids things like, since we bought the school clothes, your mom has to buy the school supplies! And even with paying cs, I have also over the years boughten, clothes, shoes, coats, school supplies, gas for their cars, repairs to cars, wow you name it! Because their father who gets the cs is more of a DEADBEAT then I am! Makes me mad the cs laws.

ccmso12's picture

What is important is to put yourself in the BM's shoes when you think she is making an unreasonable request.
Ask yourself: Would your husband only give you 500.00 per month out of his paycheck in which to put towards all the bills and expenses of your family??? Would that take care of "his half"???

I think paying half of his daughters camp expense is perfectly resonable if you are in a position to do so. . .its about the child not the BM. What I would reccomend is to set a limit with the BM as to what you can afford as the sports expenses only increase as the child advances . . .and **GASP** heaven help us if the child turns out to be really good LOL> $$$ And to discuss with her that you guys do not mind assisting with the additional sports/interests of your SD, but to discuss it and agree to it aheadof time because theremay be times when you can not afford it.

Aside from that I am glad my 1st husband and I never entered into a CS agreement. I work 12 hour shifts as a Trauma Nurse in the ER so we decided I would take our daughter Friday/Saturday/Sunday and He would take her MOnday-Thursday because I didnt see the point in having her on days she would have to be in daycare (she was 4 then now 11). I get her school supplies, I put heron my insurance because its better, and I buy her school clothes because I want my daughter to have what I can afford to give her. He remarried, changed religeons, his new wife and him have had 3 kids and she stays home because she thinks its sin to work as a women. I understand they have no money but they do love my dear daughter also. She is now also an elite athlete who started out in riding lessons at age 5, but now is a pro child rider on the hunter/jumper circuit. Her training runs around 3,000 a month and annually my husband and I run around 60,000$/per year. I wound never expect her father and his family to contribute and I dont hold it against them.

madmom's picture

I am a single mom and my ex ran out on us and left me to take care of my child all by myself. He pays $400 a month, I'm really not sure what that is supposed to cover. My son's Lunch Account is $60 a month (big boy), Medical insurance is $200 a month, hair cuts is $20 a month, he goes to the mall once a week so you tell me if $120 is going to last four weeks at the mall. Now I never even said anything about rent, food, electric, car, gas, doctor's co pays for health and dentist of course that is my expense. But what about his clothes school/church, his shoes church/school. I make more money than his father but just because I do does not mean I have to take on more responsibility. We both made this child so we both should take care of him equally. So there is no way I want his little money to do anything for myself that is the reason why I have a job so that I can do things for myself. It is a lot easier for someone elase looking in to say that you don't feel that it is not fair to pay half, but if you live with this situation first hand and try to do that stuff all by yourself I promise you it will not be easy. Not every baby mother wants the money for her self. Now a days these kids want iPods, iPhones, iPads, the latest clothes and shoes it cost a lot. It would not be fair to just give the kids cheapo stuff just because we are supposed to just get them what the child support gives us.

Anonymous's picture

Wow, I do not believe that most BMs are the witches some of you are making them out to be. NEWSFLASH, child support is not only for items purchased for the children, like clothing, toys, or extracurriculars. Child support is meant to help the child maintain the level of living as if the parents had stayed together. This means a bm has every right to use the child support to help pay for rent, utilities, car payments, insurance, food, and any other normal household expense necessary to maintain a HOME for the child. Most children also enjoy extracurriculars and I feel it's only right the pay or help defray these costs if it is NOT addressed in the support order. You 2nd wives would be singing another tune if you find yourself the EX in the future.

mom2stepson's picture

wow...well we don't have the best relationship with my SS mom but we all remain civil with each other...this includes the stepfather as husband was never married to her and had the child for the first 4 we pay her $400 per month..we pay for his health and dental insurance...half of all medical bills and we pay for summer daycare/camp that he spends at our house...during this time we don't pay anything to BM...we also have him for spring break week, thanksgiving week, one week of winter vacation and every 2nr or 3rd weekend depending on everyone schedule (they live almost 3 hours away)...after reading all of your stories I am quite comfortable with ours...we also buy all clothes and shoes and half of any biggest fear is being taken to court because they were never married but we do keep receipts for everything (even haircuts that he always gets at our house)...hopefully this will always work as is because I am quite happy with the arrangement after reading all of your stories!

mckenzie0806's picture

in a state where cs is determined by how much time the kids spend with a child and the amount of money each parent makes, why should we have to pay the BM more bc she REFUSES to get a job?? Thats not maintainence for the child, that is the BM being a fat lazy cow.

Sorry, I shouldnt have said that but it felt gooood.

mckenzie0806's picture

if you have a child in your home that doesnt receive support you get a credit for that too. So she gets preggo right after they divorce, give the little boy my DH's last name and she gets a credit for it bc she wont go after cs from the REAL dad!! I just dont understand sometimes...

twoteendaughter's picture

Not only does BM get my hard earned $ but she has twice as much material things as I do. I guess she can afford it because we pay her bills. I find it so unfair. What do you think would happen to DH if he didn't work? Well we all know. Why is there such a double standard and why can't BM be an independant women like most of us. I could not imagine living life waiting for someone elses check. Or maybe BM's are just smart since they are not working in the summer and have a perfect tan because they don't a worry in the world!!!!!!! I just want to say your welcome to my BM even though I am only hated.

SM2005's picture

Hey, Anonymous--Newsflash, most of us probably are 2nd wives! In my case, I am and I have 2 BD, 2SD, and 1SS. I deal with my EX and his new wife and my DH's EX and ExGF. I do not have a problem with the CS that the EX receives. I get the CS from my EX. I do not call him for anything else. We both work to support our families. I have a problem with an EX that doesn't work and calls every week wanting more money. We have even paid for the extracurricular activities just to find out that the kids weren't in them for two months! She sends three outfits for a month visit. The latest is how much were we going to give her to buy Christmas presents for the kids! But, you are correct in the fact that the CS is to be used for the housing, utilities, and transportation.

Anonymous08's picture

I am a 3x a charm: I have a SS and SD from 2 different ex's. The SD is involved in alot of activities. The ex #2 thinks that we should pay of 1/2 of everything prom dresses, hair cut, nails done, band trips. We did pay for 1/2 the band trips as they were out of state and gave her $100 spending money. Only to find out her mother went as a chaperone and still made her buy her meals with the $$ we gave her. We always put gas in her car even though we bought the car as her credit was to bad for insurance and was facing foreclosure (of course she blames her ex #3). I feel like we are having to pay for her mistakes and she knows we will clean up her mess when it comes to the daughter doing without. My SS is now a dad with 2 kids and 28 yrs old, he has seen what his dad has went through and says he will never divorce as he doesnt want to go through that type of abuse. I know better than get between a man & his daughter, but I get tired of being used.

Michele's picture

why should cs go for the custodial parents to pay rent and electric, etc bills?? The non custodial parent also has bills! plus paying child support, plus feeding them when they are with us, plus buying them things! Why should we pay for the adults bills. They would have to pay them either way if the kids were there or not just like we do. They are adults! they don't help us pay our bills when the kids are there for the summer, weekends, holidays etc!!!

smurfy1smile's picture

I get CS for two of my kids. One BD is involved but only very part-time. Has her EOW but usually only takes half of that. The other BD is not involved at all. The third lives with me and her BD so we both take care of her and the other 2. I use my CS for household bills cause the kids got to eat, have clothes, lunch money, school supplies, spending money, etc. Neither BD does anything financial for the kids other that CS. They do not attend conferences, school concerts, drs appts, etc. Both adults in my household work. I work part-time from home so I can be home for all the kids and take them to activities, drs, dentist, take care of them when they are sick - the other parents won't help when I am ill.

CS is to attempt to keep the kids in the lifestyle they would have had if their parents were together.

Suck it up buttercup - I don't know your story so it's hard for me to understand your irritation about CS.

Neverknow's picture

I agree with you. I dated my husband for 5 years before we got married. I became part of my SD's life when she was just 8 years old. Once we got married, we were immediately slapped with a law suit because BM (custodial parent) wanted more CS. She is remarried for a 3rd time and has been married since 1 year after I met my husband. He was paying $450.00 a month in child support, 100% of all insurance premiums, 50% of all medical bills and traveled to see his daughter 2 hours each way every week. He is a good father but is very much abused by the BM. She dragged us through a 2 year law suit because she wanted more money. His child support was increased to $800 per month, 100% of all insurance premiums and now he has to work more and see his daughter less because he can't afford it. We found out the BM has an Aflac plan and has been sending us a bill for 50% of the medical bills. In the divorce papers, it states both parties are to share "uncovered medical expenses equally" however, in order to receive benefits from Aflac, you must submit a medical bill. If a person submits a medical bill and receives money because of it, the dollars received go toward the medical bill in which it is now considered a "covered medical expense." BM took us to court and the judge told us because my husband is a "third party" he had no rights to the benefits of the additional coverage on the childs medical bills. Where does the system step back and realize that both parents need to live. Both parents deserve quality time with their children. He accumulated more than $15,000.00 in lawyer fees in one year because of this lawsuit. I'll be honest, if someone can fork out that much money for a lawyer, they are not in dyer need for more child support. The BM gets angry because she can't tear my husband and I apart. She has put the child through many hard times making her cry and in the past told her to tell her dad to not come see her because if he did, she was going to call the police and have him arrested. Yeah, the court system didn't care. She was still awarded the money. BM complains that she is the one who takes her to school, dr. appointments, helps her with her homework, etc. Maybe she thinks child support is for her and not the child. I love my SD and my husband and I hope one day she may want to live with us. Despite the hostility that the BM causes, I managed to build a trusting relationship with my SD. Because of the crazed BM, my SD didn't call my on my birthday (which did hurt) however, when I saw her, she told me happy birthday and gave me a birthday card she made for me. BM is too jealous to let her get a card. It's sad everything revolves around money. I am a firm believer in the fact that children are a gift from God. They are not a paycheck. If my SD came to live with us, I would raise her as my own and never ask for a penny of child support from the BM. It makes me sick that children are stuck in the middle of hate and greed. They are a gift. I must admit, meeting my SD's mother, has made me appreciate my mother more than I ever have.

?'s picture

Some of these people are in a real situation here. I am as well and I'm the "2nd wife" who has to sit back get e-mails from the 1st wife about activities and our part of them. We have 2 children together and can NOT afford 250 dollars for an activity for our OWN, let alone the other boy. Especially when I see the house the woman lives in, the nice new car she drives etc, it is kindof hard not to get a little upset about it!

Yvonne35's picture

Amazing isn't it? I wonder if they would be cooperative if their kids had stepmoms like they are.

How dad treats the X and the already existing children, will be the same way they treat them.

So I really don't react when they treat the kids the way they do, because I know if their children were treated that way by a controlling SM they would be screaming from the roof tops too.

I know many want to say, Oh I would welcome another woman that I don't know to love my children, to control how I parent my children, determining what "OUR" money will go to. Yup they will definitely just move out of their home and let the other woman move right on in, sure I will take ALL the responsibility in the way the kids turned out, my X was perfect and I'm the one that messed up, oh sure I understand you want the money all to yourself because after all you're preggo surprise surprise. Go ahead take my home, my DH, my life, my kids call me a bad mother because my wonderful X convinced you of such.

anna's picture

This site is for Stepparents not first wives, you need to find another website to vent! Because you are obviously just a BM and not a stepparent!

mckenzie0806's picture

just think taxes support this woman. Don't get me wrong, I am a SAHM myself but my BD's dad pays his support, and from time to time sends a check for lunch moeny or buys her clothes. He can see her anytime he wants and we communicate. This woman is just evil. You should trade names with My SD has actually told my DH and i that her mother tells her that she doesnt have to listen to anything that we say. And the ex has her calling her man Daddy.

frustratedinMA's picture

My DH ex uses her cs as HER income. She gets $850/mth for the twins. She is remarried and doesnt work. Although, rumor has it she took a pt job 2 days a week for $$ to put toward her sewing habit.. She once said to me.. Originally, the support was $500 cash and the remainder was paying for her car loan. When that was happening, she said to me and I quote "Do you know how hard it is to feed a family of 5 on $500/mth?" Ummmmm.. that $500 is for 2 people... skids.. not skids, bm, bm's new husband, and bm & new hubby's baby. YEP!! that is how she was using it.

We often end up buying the kids the basics that they need because she doesnt.. we get them clothes, put them in camp, and take them on vacations.. We have paid 1/2 of sports (on the rare occassion she signs them up.. then we find out they went less then 1/2 the time).

Its honestly ridiculous... and yes.. they should be made to provide a detail on how the $$ is spent on the skids.

OH!!! and too boot.. if that $850/mth isnt enough for this lazy cow, she took the skids bday & xmas $$ they got from the bm's family and bm's new hubby's family $90/ea. and put it in the "family checking account" because as my sd said "we are all a part of the family and need to chip in" UMMMMMM!!!! They do chip in.. its $850/mth.. WHAT DO YOU CONTRIBUTE!!

This whole subject just makes me mad, sorry!

smurfy1smile's picture

I would never take my kids birthday or christmas cash. That's just plain wrong. Kids contribute to the household by doing chores, getting good grades and learning to be responsible human beings that can go out into the world and be good adults and take care of themselves.

What does taking your kids gifts teach them? Stealing is okay? They have to help pay bills?

lcooper's picture

Many, many of the women on here have kids of their own and exes to deal with. I for one, have a BD, and an ex myself. I have never made the ridiculous demands, monetarily or otherwise, that my DH's BM makes on us. Even though my DH and I struggle financially, and DH's BM, and my ex, both have a LOT of money. I was a stay at home mom when my ex and I separated, I immediately had to go back into the workforce full time, after 6 years home, to support my daughter. I moved out of a huge house into a small apartment, so that my ex and I could sell the house and both have a shot at a decent life after divorce. Did I b**** and moan about having to get a job, oh poor me, my ex should take care of me forever, GAG ME, never. Life is about taking responsibility for yourself and those that depend on you, like your children. When you get divorced, WHATEVER the circumstances, it is NOT your exe's responsibility to keep you in a lifestyle where you don't have to do your part to support yourself and your kids. I realize that every situation is different,but in any case, when a divorce occurs, it is BOTH parents' responsibility to pick up the pieces and make survival a priority for their kids.

xnot there's picture

What exactly is child support supposed to cover?If we took the child support we get from my husbands ex wife and only spent that on the child it would come far from raising her.She is a 15 year old and has many educational needs as well as academic needs.I would like to have a copy of what child support is supposed to used for to give his ex so the child will see it and not be pressured to believe her mom that she pays for everything by paying child support and will not contribute anything else.Shes right there she does not even contribute her time or inconvenience herself for ANYTHING!!

need an opinion's picture

My husband has 3 boys from his previous marriage. He pays his ex $2,000.00 per week, yes, roughly $8,000.00 per month. In my opinion that should cover everything. We also provide health insurance.. Recently the ex called to say we owe her 500.00 for there visit to the dentist. I told my husband, ya right, child support should cover that. Why should we cover the dental bill? Like I said what she gets per week should cover everything. This women gets more money a week then people see in a month. Anyway just need someone's opinion.. thanks

Frances1056's picture

My Stepson's mother just sued us for more child support and to reduce his Father's time. It was a great victory yesterday when we won and she realized she was going to get less money. WOOHOO, then guess what? She decides she doesn't want to discuss that anymore! LOL. Well, then she tried to get part of my business which once again was DENIED. Listen Mom's Dad's and Stepparents, build your case, keep a paper trail that is airtight and these money hungry witches will LOSE everytime. They are driven by money and money alone. Lets face it women, if you lie down and have a child you need to be able to support that child 100% yourself there is never a guarantee that he won't leave you, die, or have something else happen. You Mothers need to stop demanding money from these men. You make us women look weak. I am a 2nd wife, but I will tell you one thing I WOULD NOT HAVE HAD MY SON IF I COULD NOT SUPPORT HIM MYSELF, I DON'T NEED HIS MONEY NOR WOULD I WANT IT. Don't you women have enough willpower to make it on your own? Why does a man have to support you? Its not supporting the child. If so, you could just submit a "within reason" receipt and he pay HALF! Not 80% of 90% but half. You laid down, spread your legs, now deal with your issues. I am a strong women and I don't need a man to support my son, I can do it on my own. If you can't? Then that child needs to live elsewhere and not with you.

Coxe's picture

I have been on both sides of this fence. My husband dose pay child support to his ex and I and he have no problem with that. The problem is she dose not work and hasn't for years. A man should not have to pay for the ex not to work. I can't afford to go to a tanning bed or get my nails done ect,ect... but she can without working. Gee I wounder where that money comes from. I never got child support for my two children it was easy for a man not to pay years ago. But I made it with my to children. I sometimes work two and three jobs but I did it. But being married now to a man that pays child support and never misses a payment I can't stand how the system works. Women how get the money always want more for this and that. I don't think a man should have to pay for the housing or the electric and gas bills. The women would have to pay that any way. The women is supposed to help in the support. That can be her part. Since I know she isn't using anymore of her money on the children. Don't give me any BS back. Been there done that with any child support. I know how much it cost to raise children and it dosen't cost as much as women want everyone to think it dose. My children didn't go without with just me working. Even though I worked alot to make sure of that. I did without and that is what it boils down to the women don't want to do without. I also found quality time with my children. The children should have the same life style not the mother.

jsmc0315's picture

I am a SM to a wonderful 3 yr old boy. He lives 4 hours away with his mother. My husband and BM were never married (one night stand). But my husband has been involved since day 1. He has paid BM $300 per month and has met BM and or SD every month to get SS for a week visit here. Since SS lives in MO and we live in KY are the child support laws different? Recently SS has been signed up for preschool and daycare. BM decided to file for CS which my husband agreed to do for the benefit of the child. My question is since they have no court papers for child support (yet) nor custody can we still be invovled in his school, receive his "grades" etc without ALWAYS going thru BM. We have a good relationship with BM but here lately we think we are not being told everything. SO what does CS cover? We understand food, home and clothing but BM says that is it we still have to pay on top of that for school, daycare, insurance, etc. Which we were not aware of. BM had a medical card on SS which we thought he still had until she told us in April 08 that he hasn't had it since Aug 07 when she took a full time job. So we were unaware of her paying for any type of medical coverage. My husband has asked about school tuition and daycare but BM never seems to have all the answers. And today my husband called the school and they wouldn't tell him anything! We assume the court will say he is responsible for half of his tuition/education and medical or have coverage on his insurance for the child. Is that right? Or do we need to request our case worker have that all plainly stated. Can we do that? And please how do I get my husband to agree to file custody papers now to save ANY problems with him coming to KY, or us being able to contact school teachers, etc. Sorry i know that was alot - just glad I found this site.

dazed and confused's picture

okay, i have some questions and comments..i would like to know why my child's father thinks that our daughter is supposed to have a new outfit everyweek when he pays child support? he thinks that when he pays child support its not to go the upbringing of the child-he thinks that she's supposed to have baby phat and apple bottom clothes and air max tennis shoes and he only pays 62.00 bucks a wk. why does he not understand that there are other things that need to be done like rent, utilities, gas, food,etc....of course i'm still gonna get the things that she needs-i dont use the money for drugs or alcohol or nails and a hairdo, can anyone explain to me why he thinks this?



Anonalabama's picture

This subject sucks - my sons father pays child support; has never missed a payment and when I have asked they have paid half his medical - but I never asked for much of that -

They don't help me pay for activities - but if he ask's they will -

As much as I thought I hated it over the years - I have to tell you the step mom was very proactive and reduced the interaction his dad and I had and you know now that I look back at it - it was the right thing - it would have been worse if we would have had more contact.

I also have been the new girlfriend of men who are overpaying their ex-spouses. Their requests have been horrible from please buy my dad (his ex1) a new dryer it broke - to I want your first class upgrades.

The second wants him to pay for part of the fencing at her new house because its for the "good of the kids" he pays 1100.00 a month and the first guy paid over 1800.00 a month in cs -

I say these types of women are looking to keep their nail & pedicure money for themselves and be kept women to continue to have a "man" pay their way

I think its disruptive and controlling, creates adversity in your relationship with the kids and full of hostility.

My experience being with a Man who is still pussy whipped like this is a no win situation -

RUN LIKE HELL unless he absolutely shows that he is NOT paying her way and cooperates with you and makes sure your life is alright you are in a world of shit -

They are still talking, f*&#ing or thinking about f*&#ing...

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

Strange comment? Yes, I know. BUT-H recieved no child support for the 14 yrs he was raising his kids. He gets upset about that, but he had every opportunity to pursue it and chose not to.

So, H justifies paying his ex very little. And he makes a good income. She makes very little. And has been cowed by him into not going to court to increase it. They merely agreed on the small sum he pays. Of course, I'm sure she has no real idea of just what his income really is.

We provide the health insurance (paid for my H's employer). We pay the deductible (very small). We pay for glasses and any dental not covered by the insurance.

But. H loves being "Daddy Bucks" and throwing money to SD17 for "status" purchases. In the meantime, there have been times when the skids have called and said there is no food in the house, could he please give some grocery money.

I would much rather see him pay a few more dollars to the BM, to feed the kids, and pay their necessities, rather than wasting it on extravagant purchases for SD17.

Just my observation.

TinaKay's picture

of what child support covers. Thats is the best info your going to get on the matter.

Kelly Aldridge's picture

I've been quietly lurking for a few days and am really grateful to have finally found this site! My DH has two grown children who are the epitamy of spoiled, obnoxious brats. My SD has been in college 5 yrs (it should have only taken her 4 to complete her degree) and SS never graduated high school is now almost 20 still lives with BM doesn't work and now doesn't have a vehicle (he went thru 4 of them in one year) and wants dad to buy him another one! DH was paying over 600 dollars a month just in car insurance alone (for his ex of over 14 yrs as well) not to mention SD cell phone bill and car payment. You can only imagine what a strain that can put on your finances:( Not to mention a marriage. BM has no qualms about calling DH on a regular basis to let him know what other expences he needs to pay. Now SD has decided to not look for a job immediately upon graduation from college but to have one final summer blow-out, all the while knowing that her student loan payments will begin 6 months after graduation! DH has promised her that he will continue to make car payments, insurance payments and had the audacity to want to buy her a $500 cell phone and add her to my cell plan! We are not made of this kind of money, our washer and dryer are kaput and I now have to go to the laundry mat to do laundry. The laws in our state do not require any more support for these kids but I can't get DH to stop. SS wants to move in with us because BM is sick of his crap, my DH works out of state every other week and I have put my foot down and said no way in Hell will he live here period! Now I look like the jerk! When his kids do come around they are disrepectful, rude, and always have a hand out wanting something! I can't stand to even hear their names anymore! Sorry for so long of a rant, just finally on last nerve. Thanks

Latjec's picture

So my DH pays 1000/month for one child. When we met he barely was able to support him self while BM went on yearly over sees vacations. She makes about the same as DH.
She also borrowed 10,000 dollars from him ( his share if the divorce agreement and then rented so that she could buy a house for SS.
She promised to bak it back and then when she sold the house several years after the divorce and after we were married she told him him I am not paying you not one bit. So DH took her to court and lost because it was a verbal agreement not a contract. I now carry insurance for SS and we have to pay an extra Life insurance policy for me and SS both becuase BM gets all his life insurance per court order. She used to bill us fo everything, Bus rides, co pays, school fees .... We have stopped that since when we looked at it he wl have paid her 90,000 cash tax free by the time SS is 18 which is in 2 years.
My own children see SS and BM going on a international tours each year and DH and I struggle to send our kids for school trips. the kids notice it when SS is wearing high end designer clothes and they cannot. so we stopped paying anything extra and she ranted and raved about what bad people we were but because her only choice was to take us to court she shut up finally.

I can't wait till he turns 18 !!!!!!! we still have to pay 50% of college but that will be cheaper than the 12,000 a year we pay now

TDuall25's picture

I will say I am trying to decide if I should take my BD dad back to court because I had child support figured ten years ago before both of us finish college. I work full-time and cover the insurance premiums for medical, dental, and vision. He is suppose to cover the insurance, but only got it one time and he said, "It would only cover doctor visits in state of Washington." But child support was taken out in Missouri and we live in Missouri. He will never send us a insurance card (nothing). He has only seen her twice after not seeing her 10 years. He gets mad because she doesn't call him but when she does he talks for one minute that is it and if his conversation longer is that he brags to her how rich he is and how he buys his girlfriends kids all this stuff and how perfect they are and it hurts her because he doesn't make any effort to see her. I have always had a open door policy even though I have full custody. I asked him since cost of living has gone up greatly and he makes so much more money if he could send a little bit more money and he said, "It should be equal and he will buy her anything she wants and he doesn't think he should support my life style because he worked hard for his money and life style(I raised her with no child support payment for six years and I have always worked full time while putting myself through college, so I could support our family)." So she asked and he said, "You only talk to me when you want something and gives her a hard time." We both only made 8 something a hour when child support was figured. I wasn't telling him a certain amount to send, but thought since the cost of living went up and he does not cover the insurance or pay any other expensive, that he could help a little bit more. I agreed at first for her just to ask for what she needs, but he gives her a hard time. He says since she won't open up to him, "He will just send his child support and not be part of her life. I have told him many times to give her sometime and be part of her life." I am not going to keep telling him that. Should I have child suppor refigured? What do you think?

Rags's picture

every two years or when there is a major change in the situation including changes on both sides of the parental equation.

I would not contact BioDad at all in this process. Get an attorney and file directly with the Jurisdictional Court. You mention that the original Court Order is in MO. If you and your daughter live in MO, file in MO. As for the health insurance only covering doctors in Washington???????????? That is a complete load of crap and he is totally playing you and your child.

Get the CS order ammended NOW and hold his nuts to the fire to comply with the new order. And, since he is such a manipulative dirt bag, nail his ass to the wall for extended CS through college graduation for your daughter and get the court to throw in that he covers 100% of college costs. Since he is so rich and all.


Sorry for the rant but nail his giggle berrys to the wall don't let him off the hook for anything.

It is interesting that you have an "open door policy" that he never walks through. It is his responsibility to support his daughter. It is not a favor to you or to your daughter.

We have dealt with the poor BioDad crap for 15yrs. He has never paid above a pittance in CS but we have always made sure he paid. My Son (SS) will never have to hear that his Father did not care enough about him not to support him.

I believe your daughter deserves the same message.

Get a Court Order for increased CS and hold him to it. Every time he tries to weasle out of it, roll it up and beat him about the head and shoulders with it. (figuratively of course).

People like your SpermDonor just piss me off.

Good luck and best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

frustrated454's picture

child support as I have always understood it was figured out and to be used for everything not including health ins.
if the bm wants more money she would have to go ask for an increase in her cs. I am a bm and a sm. My ex doesnot pay on time and knows his way around the system, howevever my dh always always pays on time and pays a big amount. anything else needed should be included in child support or it could never end the requests for extra money etc.

Rags's picture

stipulated in the Judgement. In our case CS covers everything but half of uncovered medical expenses (Co-Pays, med procedures, etc...).

The CS level includes BioDad's share of the Day Care $'s and Med Insurance premiums. Half of Med Premiums were included in the original Court Order 15yrs ago and CS was amended 8yrs ago to include half of Day Care costs. We receive CS each month and have yet to see any reimbursement for uncovered Med expenses in 15+ years. BioDad will get a bit slap in the face next Aug when I sue him for unpaid Med expenses, penalties and interest. Ha! I can't wait to see the look on the Toothless Moron's face when he gets that bill. He owes us about $4K based on the receipts we regularly send him, that he declines. Even the Judge has warned him that failure to pay his share will result in penalties and interest being tacked on to what he owes. My SWAG on what he will end up owing, based on conversations with the Judge and our Attorney is, ~$9500.00 including actual charges, penalties and interest.

So, in our case the Judgement is very clear. CS covers everything but what Med insurance does not cover.

I for one am good with this. CS is income that the CP can spend at their discretion. When a CP says that part of the CS money goes to a car payment that is only the CP's mental alignment on where the money is being spent. CS covers expenses for the Skids and only the Skids. The problem arises when the CPs use it as general income to augment their lifestyles or cover household expenses that people other than the Skids benefit from.

I think that many NCPs get wrapped around the axle on where the CP says the money is spent Vs what it is intended by the courts to cover. Since CS is discretionary income to CPs they do not have to justify where it is spent. The Courts only care that the NCP is participating in supporting their children the Courts don't give a Shit how the CP spends the money.

In our case the money is irrelevant but it bugs the crap out of BioDad and the SpermClan that CS is required at all. Stupid people miss the point. CS has nothing to do with ability to pay it has to do with actively supporting the kids. Those of us who have Skids as (nearly) full time residents in our homes spend far more supporting the kids than CS provides. At leas in most cases. Those who are dealing with CS levels in the $500.00/Mo per kid or greater range are for the most part getting screwed.

IMHO of course.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

StepMadre's picture

clothes and jewelry for the BM. Everyone knows this! Your ex owes it to you because he is married to someone else, not you and you deserve it because you exist.

KIDDING. CS is called CHILD support and is for the support of the children. There is a thing called "Alimony" that is meant to be used for the ex. If you are receiving CS, then you should only use the money for childcare related expenses. Like any BMs follow this, but it is what it is intended for.

"The truth shall set you free." ~John 8:32

ang1234's picture

I am a CP and married to a NCP.... I get child support for the one child that I have full custody of, the other child we share 50/50 I do not get nor ask for child support from her father as I believe that he needs to cover his expenses at his home and I cover my expenses at my home and that we split anything extra like Child Care, Medical bills, etc. Now.... on the other hand my hubbys ex is getting 410.00 per month in child support when they share the child 50/50, I dont understand why it is my hubbys responsibility to cover expenses at her home when we have her 1/2 the time here and take care of our own.... Then she has the nerve to take him to court to try and get an increase in child support and lie to the court that the time share is 60% with mother and 40% with father!! Child is 13 years old and mother insists that child needs PAID child care when dad is home all day and can watch her if need be on mothers days (dad works nights) He has always paid, and paid on time she is just so bitter and wants more, more, more. Why should Dad pay to feed child at Moms when they both have the child 50% of the time?????? btw... mother has a degree and potential to have a really good job but choses not to.

beingmanipulated's picture

I am sooo frustrated right now. I am both a bm and sm at this time. My husband of 15 years left for another woman, we have 4 children. I have full custody, majority of visitation and full decision making. He pays his cs every month and I usually have no complaints other than the way he treats our children (cursing at our teenage daughter, choosing his new wife over his kids, etc.) However, I have never even known of anyone to have a case like my current spouse with his x. His x left hime for his supposed best friend (whom she worked for). I have heard from some of her former friends that she cheated with different men the entire time they were married to the point one friend had questioned the paternity of her children. SHe had also told others she was staying with spouse long enough to be able to claim his social sec. and then planned to marry someone for money. Well, she did just that. She filed for divorce after 12 years, went to a lower income job to establish a low income for child support, then went back to work for her boyfriend making double the income. She continued to ask for extra money (claiming that since the kids wore shoes that she paid for to their dad's, he should have to reimburse for 1/2). She was so distraught when my husband and I started dating that she began countless strategies to come between us, telling her kids she hated me, trying to convince her x I wouldn't want him, accusing her x of choosing me over his kids and telling the kids so if he refused to come get them when she called asking him to take them while we were out on a date. She then put herself in a pysch facility conveniently one day before we had planned an out of town trip. Of course we stayed to care for the kids. After, she asked to go to mediation to allow dad equal time with his kids. She said she knew this would reduce her child support, but was willing and of course dad was elated. She refused to show proof of her income and insisted on using the original (lower) income as stated on the cs worksheet. Every 3 months they went back to the mediator, my husband expecting the trial period to be over and the agreement to go before a judge to become permanent, but each time she refused and gave another reason to "keep trying". The first change came as a result of bm complaining that their oldest son got off the bus everyday at her house (original agreement since dad lives out of zone) and she should be compensated for the extra food, electricity, ect. he used in the 1-2 hours he spent there until dad could get off work. dad agreed to an extra $50/mo. After one year of this bm changes her mind, refuses to go permanent and claims she wants her original full support and visitation, but if we agree to pay her an extra $220/mo she will leave the visitation as is. We filed a lawsuit. We spent 2 1/2 years trying to negotiate. We found out that she had been making $20,000- $30,000 more than dad the entire time and had lied at mediation. We also found that she should have to pay dad instead, but we didn't even want it if she would just leave us alone and keep equal visitation. She led us to believe that we had an agreement for another 8 months, then refused and asked for a court date. She also filed a suit with he state claiming dad was delinquent on cs even though we had agreements through attorney's made. My husband paid everything our attorney instructed us to and on time. Unfortunately, she is way better at manipulation than I could have imagined. She had her now spouse/boss decrease her income, stalled the court date to establish this income for one year, and knew that my husband recieved a raise during this past year (a raise that would have just made their incomes equal had she not intentionally reduced hers). Even though the judge could tell that bm and her spouse were hiding money (even their combined quoted incomes could not come close to paying their extravagant mortage, designer clothing, cars, etc.) Since they own and work for their own company, they showed it all on paper and without having the IRS audit them we can't prove otherwise (even if common logic proves it). The judge did everything he could to rule in our favor and bm was very angry, but I am frustrated at the fact we have to pay her anything and then she cotinues to make my husband feel guilty and obligated to pay extra for school trips, sports and extracurriculars. I dont think he should give her anything other than what was ordered, but feel guilty that I am asking him to tell his kids no. I would do anything for those kids and have sacrificed thousands to fight to keep them, but my children are sacrificing finacially too everytime we have to give more to Mrs.Greed! My husband gets angry becuase he wants to be able to feel like he gives to his kids too. Bm very often buys luxury itmes, expensive dinners out, etc. and causes dad to feel guilty that we can't afford the same. Now less than a month after the court hearing where they testified that they were broke and living on credit, they are putting in a pool, installing a new gazebo and just bought the kids desinger summer clothing. Am I wrong to not want to write her a check for half of an FFA summer trip for my ss?

herewegoagain's picture

No parent spends more than 20% of their income on ONE child as far as I am concerned. I definitely know we do NOT under any circumstances spend 20% of our income on our SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD even with therapies, thus although my idiot DH many times gave crazy extra money, I put a stop to it quickly. Once he realized how much we spent on our child every month vs. how much crazy and idiot get, he stopped feeling guilty. You need to start tracking your own kid's expenses so that he can see how little they actually cost vs. how much the cs plus extras are...that should take care of it.

My DH does not get a raise and neither do I because we CHOOSE to put our kiddo in an extra-curricular activity...neither should crazy.