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Intro...thankful for this site!

sunrisegazer's picture

Oh thank goodness I've come across this site! Reading some of these posts is comforting because I know I'm not alone in this "step parenting ordeal". I have a SD who is 25. We've been in each other's lives for 8 years, but its still a trying effort because I didn't raise her. (Met her when she was 17).

Even though she is an adult, I still get overwhelmed with dealing with her, especially now that I have an infant. (Between my husband & I, we have 3 children: his adult daughter, my 13 year old daughter, and our baby boy.)

I find this site a bit of "saving grace" because although I am honest for the most part with my husband about how I feel, there are deeper things I don't share because I know it will hurt him. (He still
refers to her as his "baby girl". If only he could see things the way I do or know what I know about her... Oh well. I guess I better enjoy my last month of semi-sanity being that she (SD) is planning on moving in with us, along with her terror toddler! Aaah!

Comments

SteelRose's picture

The step daughter should not move in with you. I have a sd27 and toddler sgs and I can not imagine having her live here. OMG NO! I would get bumped from being the woman of the home to her being the woman of the home. Not at first but it wouldn't take long. Especially since you have a baby to think about. Why are you letting her move in anyways?

hereiam's picture

She's moving in? Is there a plan in place? Boundaries and house rules explained to her? A move out date? Lots of wine in stock?

sunrisegazer's picture

Thanks, SteelRose, hereiam &Echo!

Your feedback is right on point with my gut feelings. I probably wouldn't feel as strongly against SD moving in with us, but I am not able to forget her horrible behaviors, manipulating personality, and past troubles.
A little more on SD25's background- she lived with me for almost 2 years when her Dad & I were just dating. We lived in different parts of the state and he basically begged for help with her and shipped her off to me because she was not getting along with his side of the family (MIL, BIL, SIL) and was getting into trouble with her mouth, bad attitude, drugs, partying, etc. The rationale was that she'd clean up her act and not be around her druggie friends, etc. It only worked out at first, then went back to live w/ her Dad & my IL's... Until she failed her drug test, then he shipped her back to me. Few months after that, she got in contact with her BM and said she wanted to visit/ spend 2 weeks with her. BAD MISTAKE. BM is an alcoholic, cheat, sleeps around, etc. I cried because I knew the time and effort I invested into trying to help SD was going to go down the drain. But I couldn't stop her, she was after all 19 years old at the time. Fast forward, over the years, she's had serious issues with hardcore drugs, violence, changed mind on schools, careers, etc. NEVER finished a complete semester of college (and mind you, we're talking about 3 different schools/colleges), never held a steady job, etc. Did I mention that DH & I are still paying off a school loan of hers? Ggrrrrrrrr!

She is soooooo unstable JUST like her BM. Over the years, we've helped her in all ways possible- emotionally, financially, etc and I am EXHAUSTED!

She is currently living in another state and wants to move in with us because she says she needs help and needs us to teach her how to be a "good parent". (Her daughter is 2 going on 3 and is a lil monster!) She's burned bridges with her boyfriend/ baby's daddy and ruined her relationships with other family members in that town/state. They really don't want her there or anywhere around them...She's just toxic like that. Seems sweet & agreeable at first but her habits and evil temperament always end up coming out. She has always been the type to mooch off people for her benefit: housing, car, money, etc. Right now in her predicament, she has no where else to go. Currently staying with other family members who are tired of her crap and want her to leave ASAP.

I've tried talking to DH about how long she would be living with us, he figures "until she can stand on her own 2 feet". I say bullshit! She's never gonna be able to because she'll be too comfy with us providing a roof over her & her daughters head, covering necessities, etc.
DH knows I don't like it, knows I'm not comfortable with it, but already has decided that she's coming. It's hard for me to throw a fit and say "Absolutely Not" because we' ve helped out my own niece before. (She lived w/ us for 2 years while finishing up her degree). I don't want to be a hypocrite & only extend help to my side of the family...And I know he will point it out if I refuse SD.

I do have a personal wine reserve but haven't touched it since I'm breast feeding... But I can so see myself weaning my baby just so I can bust out wine glasses on the daily! Ugh! FML!

I would never ever put him in a situation to choose between his daughter or me. And if push came to shove, know I won't be able to kick her out... I'd rather take my own BD & BS and move out and away... I've been a single mom before and I sure did handle everything on my own. If I could do it then, I can do it now!... But I do love DH and our BS is only 6 months old... I'd really hate to do that. (Leave DH because of SD issues.)

sunrisegazer's picture

P.S. SD25 has had many opportunities to move back in with us, but always ended up changing her mind because she didn't like our house rules, or telling her what to do. - Even if it meant how to appropriately take care of her own kid.
I've been lucky to dodge the bullet oh like almost a dozen times. But this time, it's actually going to happen. She has no where else to go and nobody is willing to help her out. DH is flying out to her next month to pack her shit & help her w/ her move here. Like I said, she's still DH's "baby girl". Her druggie, whorish, violent past doesn't faze him one bit. Even though SD is a manipulative little b$#%^, her Dad always has a soft spot in his heart for her. Makes me wanna puke!

Yogachittam's picture

I think she needs encouragement from you all to stand on her own two feet, with your support, from a distance

sunrisegazer's picture

I can't help but feel like she really does not want to stand on her own two feet and would much rather prefer to find people to benefit her or
take care of her needs (physical, financial, etc).
I've tried directing her to places/people that she could get help, but she chooses not to do her own legwork.
Prime example: She had a case worker assigned to her who was fabulous about reaching out to SD. SD would blow her off, not return calls, etc.. It was so bad! The caseworker, (bless her kindness!) would even resort to getting in touch with me (although I live several states away)
so that I could have SD show up for appts or at least call.
SD would have had help from this caseworker in getting benefits- housing assistance, emergency aid, childcare assistance, Medicaid, etc...
But what happened? SD is just to darn lazy and had 101 excuses why she couldn't make the appts or call the caseworker.
It's as though holding her hand is not enough, that you have to do things for her. Ugh!!! The more I think about SD and remember all the crap she's pulled, the MORE I DREAD her moving back in w/us!

hereiam's picture

This sounds like my SD22. I have looked up and given her all of the resources for her to get help getting on her own 2 feet and she won't even make a phone call. She and her 2 kids live with BM, though, not me and my DH.

I don't think she wants to live on her own.

sunrisegazer's picture

I wish SD25 and her child lived with BM! But even the psycho-alchy BM can't stand her. Last time they lived together, SD got kicked out after a month. From what I understand, BM called the cops on SD and had a restraining order after SD trashed & broke things... Like mother, like daughter!!!

Speaking about BM, she somehow saw pictures of my DBS(6 months) and kept msg'ing DH about how cute he was, how he looked "exactly like" DH... She has done this a couple of times and it has gotten soooo annoying. It's as though she's using my baby as a way to get DH to soften up & start communicating w/ her...And then more recently, she started bugging him about their divorce decree, and which county it was filed in. DH gave her the info and then she started talking about how it would make her life sooo much easier if he had a copy of it & if he could send it to her. WTF?!!!
It was all too weird for many reasons. One of them being that BM has been married 2x after my DH divorced her cheating, sorry ass. She claims she needed it for some documenting she needed done at a particular agency. It's too bad she didn't try asking me for it (since I have copies filed away in case I ever needed them), cause then I'd tell her point blank to go F herself!
She better not be trying to pull anything funny! Because they were married for less than 10 year (add the fact she's been remarried multiple times since) - there's NO way she can try to claim any part of his benefits (future retirement or SS).