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DH procrastinating (*warning* super long rant)

sunny_skies's picture

I am so sick of it. I reached breaking point yesterday. DH procrastinates with *EVERYTHING* omigosh.

Just for background: DH and I have DD26 months together. (I only said her age in months, in case I said "2yr old" and you guys might imagine a much older 2yr old lol) 

DH also has SS5.5yrs, we've been together since he was a few months old, SS is with us every weekend.

I get up early with DD *every single day* sometimes she wakes up at stupid o'clock in the morning. 5am, sometimes 6, other times 7am. She doesn't seem to have a set sleep schedule, and that's ok, I can deal. No worries.

If DD wakes up at 7, DH gets up with her, as that is the time his alarm is set for work, and has to get up anyway. He takes her downstairs gives her breakfast etc. It allows me an extra half hour in bed before he has to leave the house for work.

BUT.. When she wakes up at 7am, (when DH gets up with her) you know what happens?!! 

She starts out by waking up smiling, and calling out happily to announce to the house that she's awake Smile "mamaaa! daddyyy!" (then after the initial happy 'announcement' cue happy singing, and cute noises of her playing with her stuffed animal in her cot, while she waits for me/daddy to go get her)

I always get up outa bed for DD, pretty much immediately when her happy morning announcements wake me, as I know that after a while, she gets upset that she's waiting for someone to go get her.  

In particular I get up ASAP for her when SS is here.. (every weekend) as I DO NOT want to have to deal with him being awake super early in the morning if she wakes him up. I will go get DD quickly when she's awake, and take her downstairs before she wakes SS up with her happy morning singing.

BUT.. If it's a 7am wake up day for her, (like yesterday morning) DH lies there in bed next to me, continually pressing the 'snooze' button on his alarm, while also ignoring DD's happy singing, waiting for him in her cot. (I think the reason he does this is that it's not an *immediate* situation that needs to be attended to.. Normally (during the day when he's not asleep lol) ..if she's crying and upset, he will rush to her)

Anyway, all the while, I lie there next to DH and quietly FUME as I *know* DD will be building up to getting upset as no one is coming to get her. Which OBVIOUSLY means I'm too annoyed to actually have any more sleep before DH leaves the house, as I'M frustrated, and DD is now UPSET!!!

ALL BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF BED TO GO GET HER!!! Oh wow, forget about your "kind offer" of me having more sleep if DD wakes up at 7, as the way you do "giving Sunny a break and getting DD up" 

..is completely impossible, I'd rather have a happy daughter to start the day with, not *annoyance* at DH not shifting his butt out of bed and upsetting her with the wait.

This also reminds me of the last time my mom came to visit us, and was due to travel back home. She had been visiting for a while and lives about 7 hours away, it's a long trip. Keeping in mind she is 70 years old, I wanted her to sleep/rest for as long as possible before she had to get up in the morning to pack and get going.

Well DH pulled his usual crap with staying in bed and I just got frustrated with hearing DD making so much noise waiting for someone to go get her up, that I myself went to go get her after a few minutes of her waking.

I was angry as I wanted mom to get some rest before her journey, and it was way too early for her to be woken up by DD being upset just because of DH's procrastinating and laying round in bed til the last possible minute.

Also during my moms visit, I wanted to show her some photos on DH's laptop (which I don't know how to work, it's different from mine and I just can't figure it out lol) I kept saying "Hun, we still need to get your laptop to show mom the photos" His reply is "oh yes, we must do that soon" then carries on doing something else!!! I tried it several times and in the end she went home without having seen the photos AAAH!

Ok I've got to say.. DH is truly amazing most of the time. He keeps crazy BM at a respectable distance, always making sure SS pick ups and drop offs are not at the house (it's been a few years since she was here.. she had MAJOR boundary issues with just walking in and helping herself to water from our kitchen etc, I said to DH no more thanks. So now DH arranges pick up for SS elsewhere)

He disciplines SS with time outs etc, makes sure he is polite and well behaved at all times. And it works too. SS is (most of the time anyway) a really good kid as he knows DH won't put up with anything.

DH treats me beautifully, tells me he loves me around 10/20 times a day. (by text or real words) He adores our DD and displays the same amount of discipline with her as SS. Treats em the same. I think that's good.

BUT it's the *procrastinating* that drives me CRAZY. When he's asked to do things by people of authority, he'll do them!!! Paying bills? No problem. A client at work? No problem.

If asked to do things by people of authority and they have time limit of a month? Pfft. Good luck. (I'll get to the details of that) 

If he knows it doesn't have to be immediate, (a day or so) he WILL put it off til last minute.

EVERY time I ask him to do something he puts it off to the LAST minute. A while back, I had been waiting and waiting for him to send this one email for a very serious situation for us, and he left it to the DAY BEFORE the deadline.

I reminded him every day (or maybe every second day) for A MONTH that he needs to send that email. I was really worried about it, and in the end I had to get the scary voice out.

You know the one.. It's low, almost a growl.. quiet too, so you have to *really* pay attention to hear what's being said. I mainly use 'the voice' with the kids when they're misbehaving, rarely with DH, so he was suitably freaked out lol

In 'the voice' I said "We discussed this a month ago, and you said you'd send the email. Please sort it out. You are continually procrastinating with *everything* and I *cannot* handle it with this one particular thing" He replied "I'm sorry, ok, I'll send it now" and scurried off to his laptop.

Ok I'm going to be fair on him for a second here and say that he very rarely gives me 
Not cause to complain about him.. He's wonderful. BUT..

I don't know what happened in my brain after this discussion with DH about the email, but I automatically, within a few split seconds, thought back to AAALL the other times he's procrastinated about doing stuff over the years.

I've been sitting on it for a few weeks but then then, what happened yesterday morning?!! omigosh.

If I ask him to mention something to BM? Yeh I'll be lucky for that to happen. 

I have no communication with BM whatsoever since I cut things off with her years ago. I did NOT deserve to be treated in that way (like a piece of poop on her shoe) and politely declined any further contact from her.

I'm thankful she respected my politely worded email which basically (nicely) said "If it's not to do with SS, I'd rather not hear from you" ..and she never replied. Even when there have been issues with SS, she has never bothered me again, she only causes trouble for DH now. I'm free from all the texts, emails etc that she used to send me that had nothing to do with SS.

Anyway I've asked DH, to ask her, to do this one (very important) thing, for YEARS now. YEARS. YEARS! Every week he does pick up and drop off with her for SS, I remind him to ask. EVERY week, he says "oh I was running late and didn't have time" or "or" or" or" ...

I think he is just scared to remind her to do it, because he knows she'll kick up a stink about it, and might make our lives hell again. (she's been quiet for a while)

BM *knows* she should have done the thing I'm asking him to ask her about, she knows it as she *said* to DH that she'd do it in 2012. But she is just as bad as DH with procrastinating, and he never reminds her to do it.

The other morning I spent about a half hour helping DH look for a tie while I was still half asleep, as he had a meeting in the afternoon. (His office is quite casual and they only dress in shirts and ties when other companies or potential clients come to the office)

He wanted this one particular favourite tie, and he knew he had this meeting for so long, so why didn't you get yourself organised for it, instead of panicking and looking for a tie just before you leave for work?!! I don't get it!!

Thinking back to our wedding?! He had THREE things to do. Sort out the music playlist throughout the evening, and two other things, I can't remember what they were now, but I know it was three things.

 *THREE* THINGS. And hey the music is kind of important on a wedding day right?!!! We'd spent sooo long listing all our favourite songs, and arranging them into relaxing background music at the start of the party, to ones you can dance to later in the evening. 

He waited until literally a few DAYS until the wedding to do the playlist and the other things. I wasn't sure they'd get done, but he managed to pull them off the day before or whatever, I can't remember exactly but it was SHORT NOTICE for a stressed out bride, wanting to make sure everything was ready.

Ok.. So, my question. Does anyone else have to deal with this procrastination with their SO, and if so, did you resolve it?! DH is aware this is the one and only thing I HATE about him, (yes I used the H word with him too when we discussed it) ..it drives me nuts and he knows it. But he still keeps doing it.

I've spoken to DH several times about this one procrastination thing that bothers me about him. On several occasions I've actually *cried* about it, as a few times, with him putting stuff off, it has in turn resulted in other things going horribly wrong.

I said to DH once that maybe if I ask him to do something, I should give him a time limit?! But then nothing happens at the end of the time limit so it doesn't really motivate him.

I know you can't change who someone is or whatever but does anyone have any advice?!!! My patience is about to SNAP! And when Sunny snaps it can be kinda scary lol! (don't make me get 'the voice' out again) Jeez..

Oh. My. Goodness. I do realise this is a stupidly long rant, and in the grand scheme of life this is a tiny thing.. but, omigosh. I needed to get it all out. Anyone got any advice? *aaanything?!!!* GAHHH

Comments

moeilijk's picture

Yes. My DH does the same thing. It's a control thing, I think. He's not as bad as yours, but we have had serious discussions about it a few times.

My thoughts are not very organized, so take out of this what you can!

1. He's a perfectionist. So if it's something he's not confident about, he will delay. What works in that situation, if I really care that he be the one to handle it, is I ask him to do it. A few days later (before it needs to be done) I ask how it's going. ONE TIME he lied and said fine, then the day before the deadline when I checked again he said he hadn't started!!! THAT was a loud conversation and has never happened again, lol. Anyway, if he hasn't started, I check to see how he 'feels' about it. If it's hard for him, we talk about the actions he needs to take to succeed. Sometimes we talk about how I can support him reaching his/this goal, sometimes we talk about other choices (taking a vacation day to address something, etc). Then I check again, and same thing again.

2. I talked to him about how it changed how I saw him. I used the example of work. At his job, he wouldn't tell his boss he was on top of a presentation for a meeting on Monday at 2pm, and then just not show up, or show up with no presentation, or a half-assed presentation and expect everything to be fine. Why wouldn't he do that at work? What would he expect his boss to do if DH did pull that work? So that DH could see that his behaviour is what people see, not how he feels about something. And that's what they use to judge his character. And I know my DH is not an unreliable, selfish, take-the-easy-way-out kinda guy... so why behave that way?

3. Be very very direct. Instead of "We need to get your laptop out..." you have to be almost confrontational and say, "Please get your laptop out now..." I joke about this with my DH, because I'm Canadian and we tend to be so polite it's anyone's guess what the question is, "would you mind terribly if..." and my DH is Dutch and so direct it's almost offensive, "You should do xyz[to strangers!]..." So when I ask for something and DH doesn't hop to it, I say, "Oh, I wasn't direct enough. I didn't mean Do you want... I meant Go do this now!"

4. In situations where it won't bite you in the butt, let DH flounder and fail. Offer to help, but don't push and don't rescue. If it's a weekend that DH isn't working, and SS is there, and DD wakes up... let her wake SS up and let DH deal with two kids. You know?

sunny_skies's picture

Do you really think it's a control thing? :/ Like the procrastinating SO's in our lives are actually doing it on purpose?! :/ Or do you think SO's like this just naturally put things off to the last minute? Is it nature or control? :/ Argh you've got me thinking now!!!

Thankyou so so much for taking the time in your thoughtful reply, I'm definitely going to try using your second example about the "how would people at work view you" thing.. 

Then again I really don't know if that'd work.. I mean my DH doesn't seem to mind if I get upset with him about his procrastination, (he loves me very much and doesn't like to see me upset) but it seems like with this particular thing, that he just doesn't seem to care.. as he's done it enough times! Sad

Maybe I should be more direct lol thanks for reminding me haha Wink ..I'm not really a bossy kinda wife, but maybe I should start practicing being direct lol

And yes, I do tend to let DH sleep later at weekends, which just so happens to be when SS is here :/ DH works so hard during the week that I feel I need to let DH rest at the weekends, even if it means I have to put up with SS more :/

I've gotten DH up to sort the kids out before, but tbh when I do that, I just lie there feeling guilty that I'm not downstairs with them, and it's not really a rest/relax time for me anyway, because of my guilt.. Maybe that's my own thing to work through :/

LauraM's picture

If you weren't much younger than me I would swear we are married to the same man! After years of counseling the only thing I can tell you is that we have concluded that my DH is a "live for today, don't worry about tomorrow" kind of guy and I am a "what about tomorrow?" kind of person. Our styles clash horribly. He doesn't understand why I think the way I do any better than I understand his thinking. We are trying a new approach this year and that is his new motto is one day at a time with a fill in the blank approach. Today I will __________. The concentration is put only on one thing and if he gets it done then he can start thinking about another. This way he's not having paralysis by analysis which he claims is the case. We've got a ton of other problems to work on together but at least with this approach I won't ask for any more than what's on his list for the day and in turn he can help me by talking about impending things that will go on his list next.

sunny_skies's picture

Thankyou Laura, it really sounds like we are similar! Maybe I should take your advice of "hey, this is how one person deals with life, and here's another way of how a different person deals with life!" 

It never occurred to me before that the way DH deals with stuff is "wrong" it was just "wrong" in my own mind!

I realise now that was very close minded of me to think so, thankyou for opening my eyes, really, thankyou x It might bring me a bit more peace with this lol xx

hereiam's picture

Procrastination is my middle name, so...... Sorry.

But I am also controlling and a perfectionist, somewhat anal and OCD, creative and depressed (chemical imbalance), and I have never been late paying a bill, doing my taxes, getting to work (I'm a half an hour early, actually), or anything else. I don't necessarily wait until the LAST moment, but I can cut it close.

Yes, DH (who is the opposite) gets frustrated with me, as I'm the one who adds up the credit card expenses and tells him what to put into my account for his share of the CC and the bills. I do our taxes (although I am doing really good at doing those earlier), I pay our property taxes, insurance, all of our bills (but those are all auto pay), and basically anything paperwork related.

Some people just work this way, I can't explain it.

sunny_skies's picture

Hereiam, I will repeat again what I said in response to Laura, thankyou for opening my eyes to another persons way of doing things! I really did think there was something actually *wrong* with DH to do this stuff, like putting things off to the last minute!!! But maybe I just need to learn that there are other ways of doing stuff :/

robin333's picture

There's a reason I say I am DH'S personal assistant. He truly has NO sense of time.

I pay all the bills. Otherwise, all the utilities would be cut off, not because there isn't any money. Nope, he would put it off until critical mass is reached and happily pay the extra fees.

In his mind, he thinks he needs 20 minutes to shave and shower. Whenever we have a family get together, we are the last to arrive. Why not get ready before the last minute? ! So, I "manage" his misperception of time. I give him an earlier deadline /time for all sorts of things.

Things that require both of us, I simply tell him to get in the car, drive to the destination and tell him that we are doing this now. Same with things at home, it's NOW. Sometimes, I feel like his mother. Other times, I find his quirks adorable. His laid back attitude does help to temper my OCD uptight tendencies. We balance out Smile

Instead of trying to change him, I changed how I look at it. He's not trying to procrastinate to annoy me. He truly has a misperception of time. I like knowing all is in order with the finances and household, so I manage it. Results is less stress for me and less nagging for him.

sunny_skies's picture

Lovely Robin, this really helped

"Instead of trying to change him, I changed how I look at it. He's not trying to procrastinate to annoy me. He truly has a misperception of time. I like knowing all is in order with the finances and household, so I manage it. Results is less stress for me and less nagging for him"

Thankyou. I will try that x

Monchichi's picture

Aww sunny ((hugs)) I love my DH to bits. He is the worlds worst procrastinator I have ever met in my 42 years. He never does things now. He flies by the seat of his pants. I end up doing 90% of all admin, including typing his emails to that foul ex of his.

Some people do and some don't. It's just how it is.

sunny_skies's picture

Monchichi.. Thankyou for this "Some people do and some don't. It's just how it is" It made me realise this may just be how DH is. I know that sounds silly as hey, surely we all know the person that we married inside out right?! 

But.. Because I personally view this one character as "wrong" in my eyes, I never actually thought that it might just be a normal trait for others :/

I personally used to attempt typing out the emails to BM, and send to DH to forward to her.. but after a while, I just could not allow the energy to be sucked out of my body in that way. DH does it all now. I'd rather be frustrated with him not saying certain things than waste my time typing everything out, lol!

Sometimes though, I *really* wish I could just message her/ email her and say AAALL the different things I want to say.. Sigh.