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It's Genetic! does this comment drive anyone else nuts?

summer76's picture

My fiance and I were joking about how we will need to have the sex talk with his boy crazy 7 year old daughter early in life to help encourage her away from teenage pregnancy, then fiance says well, teen pregnancy may be genetic since him and her mom had her in their teens, his dad had a kid in his teens and her mother did.

Then, just last night we were talking about how much I love shoes and I reminded him that his daughter loves shoes very much also and I said maybe that's my influence - and he says no, that's just genetic.

If everything comes down to genetics then why even bother trying to influence this kids life for the better! This comment is starting to get on my last nerve. I met this little girl when she was 4 years old and would like to think that I have some place in her life but apparantly since I'm not genetically involved I can just forget it. Thanks for listening to me rant!


melis070179's picture

I really don't think loving shoes or having children at a young age has anything to go with fact I KNOW they don't. He's using the term incorrectly about things that having nothing to do with genetics, and I'd be really surprised if he was actually serious about his comments. Eye color. height. maybe even some personality traits. those things can be genetic. not loving shoes & having babies! Tell him to quit misusing the term, and anyone being in someone's life on a daily basis is going to influence them in some way. So don't worry about it & keep doing what you're doing.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

summer76's picture

yeah, i know that those things aren't really genetic (I wonder if he does, I'll have to bring that up) I guess I just feel that it's an off-handed way of pushing me to the side - I don't know. some sort of parental protection or dna claim or something. Thanks for your reply : )

melis070179's picture

His intentions in saying those things might depend on whether or not he's just joking or actually believes its genetic! He may be just teasing or think its funny or he may be actually doing what you feel he is, trying to undermine your role in their lives. You know him, I don't, so I can't say, but I would tell him how it makes you feel & ask why he makes these comments. He may not be meaning to hurt your feelings or even realize he's doing it.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

The Principlist's picture

Not to sound offensive, but you could tell him that being ignorant and stupid is "Genetic."

I was a teenaged unwed mother at 18. My parents were teenaged parents who wed when I was 2 months old. My grandparents and great-grandparents were teenaged parents. Though my grandparents and great-grandparents were married when they had their 1st. I still believe that in looking at this course of events, my mother was the "real" beginning of this trend as she was not married, BUT she did marry shortly thereafter and have remained happily married to my dad going on 39 years. In our family, we consider this a generational curse - having kids at a young age. I was always age-appropriate and talked with my daughter frankly about sex. When she began wondering how babies came, I didn't tell her the stork brought them. I didn't label her private parts with cutesy names. When she had questions, I tried my best to answer the question and leave it at that, nothing more as it could confuse her. We talked about boys and relationships and all of that "uncomfortable" stuff. I am proud to say that my daughter just turned 21 on the 8th and is still child-free. She is a junior in college and is on track to graduate early. I didn't scare her up about sex, but we made sure to let her know that it should be between two people who were in love, and preferably married. We talked about diseases and heartbreak. Even though at times, I didn't think that she was listening, she WAS. She didn't begin to date, her choice, until she was in college. Even then she was very selective and looked at a guys character. I am just hoping that the generational curse is truly broken with her because though I did it, it doesn't make it right. It is a hard life being a young, uneducated single parent. I didn't want that for my daughter and I assured her that she deserved better than that. I think the sticking point is that SHE believes that for herself.

I say that you are thinking along the correct lines. If you have a good relationship with SD, I say work hard at keeping it that way. You will be the voice of reason in her life. You will be able to talk to her and guide her so that she is informed about choices that she makes in her life. I equate DH statement to just being ill informed and ignorant on the issue. If cancer ran in his family, he would still work at arming his daughter with the necessary tools and hopefully protecting her from said dreadful disease. He would not just accept that such was the way of life for her and THAT is genetic. Every parent wants their children to meet and exceed the level in which they have obtained. They want their childrent o go on and be better than them. I find it hard to believe that it is okay for him that he EXPECTS that it is her God given right to be a teenaged mother. NOPE! Keep at it. She needs someone like you and she and hopefully THEY will thak you for it later.

Step Mother's Motto this week is:

You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.

melis070179's picture

teehee...thats a good one! Got my laugh for the day, thannks!

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

stuckinthemiddle's picture

In our case, we hope that BM genetics don't play much a role in the kids' development. Like you Summer, I met my skids when they were very young. SD6 I met when she was 2 1/2. She likes some of the things I like and often will do things similar to me and talk about shoes and hairstyles. It's that old nature vs nurture argument. Genetically, she has some of BM's traits...teeth(she will need braces) and FH's charm and good sense of humor. But, since I am the woman in FH household, she is picking up my traits, too. Talking too loud, fashion interest and just being a girl. I believe nurture plays more of a role, especially when BM are not doing a good enough job with the kids.

southernshellgirl's picture

and I'm prob messing up the spelling there, but I think it was him who theorized that at a certain age a little girl falls in love with her father and it is then that the little girl will see how her father loves mother and so begins to try to be like mom.

I know that does not fix the sting of his comment and robbing you of having the joy of seeing your influence on SD. But I hope it does bring a little smile knowing that at least in theory, you are a huge influence and what SD will ultimately want to be. Smile I know it has helped me keep trying for SD, because Lord knows that if everything is "genetic" SD doesn't have much of a chance coming from her BM.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-