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My anxiety is through the roof!

SubstituteMommy's picture

SD9 was supposed to be out of state visiting her BM for four weeks (she lives with us full-time). Her BM contracted COVID-19, so four weeks turned into five. Her grandmother contracted it, so five weeks turned into six. Her half-brother contracted it, so six weeks turned into seven. It has been absolutely marvelous without her around. The biggest break I ever had in the last six years was TWO weeks. Can you imagine what kind of mental vacation it has been for me to have SEVEN weeks off? Our home is calmer, happier, and there's no drama. I didn't have any moments where I felt disgusted, hateful, or unattracted to my SO. We got along well and I feel like we have become a lot closer. He has even admitted how different things are when she isn't around.

Well, SD was tested a couple of days ago and her results came back yesterday (negative). She is currently on her way back and I am absolutely dreading it. My anxiety has been so bad since my SO got the text saying that she would be back this afternoon. After getting a real taste of what life would be like if custody was flipped, I truly don't even know if I can go back to her being here.

I feel so bitter because I have been so happy without her here and she has been perfectly fine and happy with her BM. She called us four times in the seven weeks that she was there and she was rude and aloof every time. She won't be gone again until October, and that's only for one week. After that, she won't be going to visit her BM until March, and that's only for one week as well. Her BM only has to deal with her a few weeks out of every year, but I have to deal with her all the time. It all just feels so unfair.

I will undoubtedly cry when she gets back. Wish me luck.

Comments

Gimlet's picture

((hugs)) lady.

This shit is hard.

Is your DH open to conversations about his parenting?  I know that's been an issue in the past.

SubstituteMommy's picture

Thanks, Gimlet. Yes, it is sooo hard.

Yes, my SO said something about how it's much nicer when she isn't here. I told him that she's not the only problem. He says that he is aware of what he needs to do differently and he swears that I will see a difference when she returns. Do I believe him? Absolutely not. He will be melted butter in her hands in a few hours.

tog redux's picture

Remind me again why DH has full custody?  I assume it's a long distance thing, but did BM agree to it, or was it court-ordered?

I agree with Gimlet that you have to have it out with DH around how he parents.

SubstituteMommy's picture

My SO briefly dated the BM. She accidentally got pregnant and wanted to abort SD, but my SO convinced (forced) her to keep it. She stuck around for about a year and ended up leaving. She moved away, had a baby with someone else, and ended up leaving that kid with her mother. So, to answer your question, it is both BM's choice AND it is court ordered.

She only sees her kids during SD's rare visits, and that's exactly how she likes it.

Doublehelix's picture

Just empathizing...start planning activities for yourself at least. My partner and his ex started taking 3 consecutive weeks each this summer (vs the usual week to week.) we SURVIVED our 3 weeks with SD, me and him are now ENJOYING our 3 weeks w/o her. Everything is so much rosier without her and he misses (well nothing he says or does now indicates that, but he would say so if she ever called) and wants her back? lol Why? Bioparent feelings that I will never understand for now...

SubstituteMommy's picture

Thank you for empathizing! I have to come here to vent and whine because nobody in my life understands. I am happy that you are enjoying your three weeks without your SD. I don't know what these dads miss when things are so much better when their whittle babies aren't around. I completely get what you're saying.

Harry's picture

Because they are not SP.  only a SP can understand your life.  I understand you and how you feel. And you are right to feel that way.  You have no control over your life.  

SubstituteMommy's picture

Thank you. That is how I feel, yes. I mean, I could leave (and if he continues to have her full-time and she continues to get worse, I will). It's just unfortunate that leaving is the only real solution.