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strugglingstep's picture

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this site. I found this site seven months ago when I was overwhelmed. I am 42 years old and have one son who is 21. In December, I moved to another state to be with my BF. I have known him most of my life as we went to school together, but after graduation we went separate ways. Well 20+ years later he found me and we have been together ever since. He has a 5 year old. I need to let you know that this man is a wonderful father. When they were pregnant for their son he took a class called Boot Camp for New Dads. After taking that class and continuing to attend it until his son was I believe one he then became a teacher of that class which he teaches three times a year. He attends every soccer or basketball game his son is involved in and even was the assistant coach on his son's soccer team this past spring. He attends all school programs unless they are during the day and he has to work, although he does attend those that he can. He is a very active father. He is a very kind, patient, loving, and compassionate father. When he and his wife split their son was almost 3 1/2 years old. Finally, in the past two months she has "graciously" allowed us full EOW contact plus two nights a week for two and a half hours. Prior to that visitation schedule it was every weekday for two hours and every friday night until whenever she felt like it on Saturdays. Most of the time she would pick up SS by noon every Saturday, so it was hard to have time to plan to do anything with him.

Well, finally after months and months of disagreements, getting attorney's involved and going to mediation she finally let him have his son EOW. Well, while this is much nicer for us to plan things and have more time with his son at once we are finding it is almost more damaging to his son. When he is with his mother he doesn't dress himself, bathe himself, brush his own teeth, play by himself, sleep by himself and she still gives him a baby bottle to go to bed! She lost her job in approximately January, so she has been home with him every day now that school is out. She had enrolled him in summer camp at a cost of $900 for two months expecting my BF to pay half. Well, he is allowing the courts to decide if they feel it is his responsibility before paying for it, but we have found out in six weeks his son has only attended that camp four times for maybe six hours a day. When asked why he doesn't go to summer camp anymore he says because he doesn't want to he wants to stay home and play with mommy. It is heart wrenching to see the effects this is having on this child. He can't play by himself because he doesn't know how. When at mommy's she plays everything with him. He doesn't do anything by himself. She also takes him to the store every day (this is not a joke) and buys him a new toy every day and we are talking a $10-30 or more toy every day.

The last weekend he was here he cried for two hours because he missed his mommy because he loves her so much because she loves him more than anyone except God (who told him that?)! We are fearing the more she is with this child the more detrimental the effects are on the child. Today, he stated he was "in Love" with mommy. Where did a five year old come up with "in Love". It wasn't from TV because the only thing he watches is Tom and Jerry or Scooby Doo. He refuses to watch any family oriented movie with real people in it and when at mommy's he doesn't have to and when here if he doesn't get his way he will cry and want to go to mommy's house.

I know this is all over the place, but I am just trying to give every one as much information as I can. I am trying not to forget the most important details of the events that have taken place over the past seven months. This is all very devastating on the child, my BF and is effecting my life in such a negative way and we don't want it to effect our relationship. We are seeking a counselor in our area not only to help keep our relatioship in good standing, but to help teach us how to help his son and understand what is going on in this crazy B***ch's head!

One other very important piece of information is she submitted her request for my BF's approval to move the minor child out of the state. Of course, he denied that request and now it will be up to a judge to determine whether she can take him or not. We are preparing for a long nasty battle over this.

Another FYI we have been together for over a year and I "lived with him" off and on for six months prior to making the actual move. They were divorced before he and I got together and I had nothing to do with their divorce. I hadn't even seen him in 20+ years and I had never met her until I came for one of my visits. I have invited her to lunch so she could get to know me since I am planning on being in her child's life. I wanted her to know about me and ask questions regarding me and my family. She never did take me up on it. Her and I are very amicable to one another-I am not saying we like each other. Their son calls me by my name. I am not his mother and don't intend to take her place. I will be a parental figure when he is in our home. We have discussed the way we want discipline to be handled, meals/snacks, TV/computer time, educational studies and are trying to teach him the concept of "alone" play time or reading, etc. We feel it is very damaging for a child not to know how to use their imagination and entertain themselves. We don't expect him to be here an entire weekend and play that entire weekend by himself, but right now he can't even play five minutes by himself.

If anyone has some advice or can direct us to some reading material whether it be on-line or books to purchase we would greatly appreciate it. We are contacting a counselor this week to make an appointment.

Thanks-Struggling Step

Comments

sparky's picture

A five year old on the bottle? Sounds like she is a mental cripple and she wants to make sure that he is too. Eventually the crying will stop and he will adjust. Keep up the good work with the couselors and dont let the child or BM come between you two.

strugglingstep's picture

Yes, we agree she is a mental cripple. Thank you so much for the comment. We are working very hard at not letting either one of them come between us, but also trying very hard to raise a well rounded independent 5 year old.

I forgot to put in my original blog the BM bought SS a cell phone so he can have constant contact with her when he is at our house (we have two cell phones and a home phone and he has access if he asked). But, we turn the ringer down to vibrate and he is allowed to call her in the morning after breakfast as night time can sometimes be a little tricky since it has only been two months of EOW. She thinks the cell phone makes him feel more comfortable knowing he can call her whenever he wants...little does she know he doesn't have access to it but only once a day!

Catch22's picture

So I understand how demanding little ones can be, without the extra pressure of having to entertain him 24/7. I have to say, it is better to have a BM that spends too much time with a child, rather than none and not caring..My SS has spent 95% of the time at his mothers, all by himself, since he was 9 or 10 Sad

You have to stop worrying about what she does at her house, I understand that you think it will be impossible to teach him your way of life...but just start now, and take it slow. Kids are smarter and more versatile than you think. They already have 10 sets of rules for everything they do in life, so why would 1 more be any different?

They have to act a certain way at mums, at school, at daycare, at the shops, at grandma's, at a friends, out for dinner...trust me you can implement your own way of doing things, just sit down with DH, make rules and rewards for him following those rules, equal parts of love and disapline and you will soon see him start to change to your ways after a few more months of visitation. My SS is 12 now and when he first came here he had real trouble with the fact that there were rules...he was by himself all the time, no cleaning, no packing up toys, no bedtime, no showers, no teeth cleaning, no hair brushing...I knew he needed to learn these things in his life, but now 3 years on, he knows our rules as opposed to his mothers (or lack there of) and he follows them when here. Good luck, it won't be easy...But just remember, your house, your rules, but take it slow he has a lot to catch up on after being babied at home for 5 years. She will be sorry when she has an out of control child, who wants to live with you. Kids need boundaries, in fact they prefer them. My SS would rather be here than at his mothers now Smile

Oh...and Welcome to StepTalk!!!

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

strugglingstep's picture

Thank you so much for your comment and support. I never knew how consuming this situation could be. I too have went through this but I was the custodial parent and my ex chose not to play a part in my son's life. I know the effects that has on a child too. I also never kept my ex from our son, he just chose not to be active in his life. I guess I don't understand why a parent would want to isolate their child from the child's other parent.

I agree that he will learn our rules and I have seen drastic changes in his respect towards me since I have made the final move. He knows I am not going to cater to his every whim. Don't get me wrong I love this little boy very much, but I am also not going to allow him to tell me what to do.

The frustrating part is the number of steps backwards he has taken since the EOW were implemented and we now don't see him for at least four days in a row. Plus the worry of the devastating effects on him especially if the courts permit her to relocate him to another state. If they permit that the only time we will have with him will be summer vacation and split holidays.

Again, thank you so much for your comment and support.

strugglingstep's picture

We know this is going to be a long "battle" trying to teach him our rules when we see him as little as we do, but we are going to stick to it as in the end I know it will be worth it.

She has just now granted every other weekend. When they were divorced he was to have the child every other Friday night until he adjusted and then it was to proceed to every other weekend, well in her sick mind he couldn't be away from her for more than one night....it took over a year for her to finally grant the every other weekend even though it was stated in their divorce papers and it wasn't until we proceeded with legal action regarding this did she finally allow the every other weekend. There are still legal proceedings going on for visitation issues, schooling (private versus public), and now of course the relocation out of state. When BF got divorced he was so afraid she would take their son out of state as she had threatened that, that he coward to anything she wanted in the divorce papers thus now causing us the long legal battles regarding the visitation and it didn't matter because now she is trying to take him out of state anyway.

Thank you for your comments and support. It is really appreciated!