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Money and Immature Behavior

strugglingSM's picture

Ugh, the BM in my life is an adolescent when it comes to dealing with DH. She loves to try to turn things around on him in that "I'm not doing that, you're doing that" way that teenagers do.

As expected, after buying contacts for SS11 without consulting DH, she sent an email to complain how much extra money she was paying and how he never contributed any extras. In that email, she also said she was going to get braces for SS11 and she was "putting her foot down" over DH not contributing.

DH responded by reminding her that he paid 100% of the cost for the glasses that SS11 never wore. He also said he paid for their 6th grade camp, but noticed online that the kids weren't registered, yet, even though the registration date had passed at school. He also told her that he'd pay his proportional cost for the braces, but he was going to pay the dentist directly and was not going to agree to any payment until he had seen information from the dentists office about options (SS11 has already told DH he wants Invisalign braces because he doesn't want to be embarrassed by regular braces, but SS can't keep track of anything, so DH doesn't trust him with Invisalign braces).

She replied and said "I'm fine with you paying the dentist because I would rather limit contact with you anyway" and followed up how she didn't like interacting with him at all, so any way to limit those interactions was fine with her. This is the same woman who fought tooth and nail to maintain contact with DH after he got a clause added at their last mediation that they only talk to one another in emergencies, with all other contact being in writing. She told him that he was being a deadbeat dad for not taking her calls, that she had no intention of following that clause, that she'd talked to her husband and they both decided it would be child neglect for her and DH to not talk to one another. She's also gone out of her way at every sporting event to go over and try to talk with DH, usually about money or some other attempt at causing drama. The last time, she came up to DH to tell him in front of the kids that her family was having a party and she wanted him to bring the kids home Sunday morning instead of Sunday evening, which caused a big dramatic explosion from one SS when DH said he couldn't bring them home early because he had plans with the kids. Just two weeks ago, she texted him continuously over the space of four hours over something that easily could have been a two text exchange, but sure, lady, you're the one who's trying to limit contact.

DH ended his message by saying that BM only ever contacts him when she wants money, she never gives him any heads up or any opportunity to weigh in on the things that lead to money requests and never gives him any other information. Her retort, "I do tell you things, when I called you from the ER with a possible fracture, you didn't take my call." Two things to note : 1) there was no fracture and any injury was totally unnoticeable up two days later when we saw SS11 (the same SS who was convinced he had a concussion on Sunday); 2) she called DH because she wanted someone else to share in her anxiety over the fact that her child was in the urgent care, she didn't text DH before she left for urgent care or even send him a text with the information, just called him all frantic that they were taking SS in for an X-ray. No mention of all the other things that she did not tell DH about, like a school award ceremony where SS got an award. DH didn't get notification from the school until 11pm the night before the morning ceremony, too late for him to get any time off work. BM had known about it for over a week and sent a group text (which she included DH on) about the ceremony after the fact, but sure, lady, you always keep him informed.


I love dogs's picture

BMs who want drama never fail to find it. SS11 seems very insecure about his appearance. Glasses and braces are normal for kids his age. SD had a clear retainer that she was to wear everyday and wore it in our pool, almost but didn't lose it then. THEN she did set it on our back porch table and misplaced it for about an hour and blamed DH for not reminding her to wear it. He bit her head off and lectured her about responsibility and how much it would've cost to replace the dang thing! Plus they'd never hear the end of it from BM.

strugglingSM's picture

Yup, SS never has to do anything that makes him uncomfortable and BM is happy to step in when he's having a normal problem that he doesn't want to deal with. Teacher giving you grief about missing homework? He is clearly too strict and your mom should just try to switch your class midway through the year. Not playing much on the football team? Don't bother asking the coach what you can do to get more playing time or work harder to show the coach you want to play, just have your mom go in and yell at him to give you more playing time (while you're at it, ask your dad to do the same thing or ask your dad to coach the team, so you'll get more playing time).

I always thought one of the goals of parenting was to raise resilient kids who can problem-solve and deal with setbacks. Apparently, BM has the exact opposite view. SS is 11, are kids really making fun of him that much for glasses or would they make fun of him that much for braces? He wore his glasses to school once or twice, so he doesn't really know and doesn't yet have braces, so again, doesn't really know, but by all means get him expensive contacts and invisible braces to save him any possible comments. I can't wait until he's a teenager...

Simpleton21's picture

OMG, I swear our BMs are related! LOL! I was just recently super irritated by the fact that BM doesn't teach SD to be resilient or to work for things. SD tried out for competitive cheer (she is already on the regular cheer team)...anyways she didn't make it b/c her cheer moves weren't sharp enough. I think SD thought just b/c she is in gymnastics and can flip she would automatically make the team. Anyways, even though she didn't make the competitive team they told her that she could come the first 2 weeks of competitive cheer practice and if she improved she could be on the team (knowing how BM is I am almost sure she talked the coaches into this - I could be wrong but doubtful). Anyways, SD isn't sure if she will do that b/c everyone will be talking about her if she still doesn't make it after those 2 weeks. The thing that really irritated me was the next day BM texted SO asking if he could call SD b/c she had a meltdown at her regular cheer practice and cried the whole time b/c one of the judges that told her NO to being in competitive cheer was there! Really!?!? If that was my kid I would have been so embarrassed. I would have pulled my kid aside and told them to suck it up and show the judge/coach that you are really trying and improving. Instead BM and SO just talked gently to her about it. To me that just solidified the judges choice to not put her on the team.

motherof_2plus1's picture

BM is exactly the same way although SD is young.. almost 4 so not many costs have arose yet. But i know its coming.

When FDH comes to BM with an issue or something he feels she is doing is inappropriate. She turns it around and accuses him of doing EXACTLY what she is doing. It is so absolutely annoying and there is getting nowhere with her.

IF SD doesn't go home in exactly the outfit she left her moms with BM loses her sht and claims we are stealing her clothes and keeping them.... ummm what? She actually put this in a letter to FDH's lawyer. She is an idiot.

strugglingSM's picture

In our case, BM tells DH he's only making an issue about things because he hates her. Kids not handing in homework, DH is only concerned because he hates BM. Kids playing inappropriate video games, DH is only saying something because he's bitter about the divorce (nevermind that BM got a clause added to their CO that the kids couldn't play adult video games, but then her new husband and his son play adult video games, so she bought Grand Theft Auto for my SSs for their 8th birthday).

We always got the demands for sending home one particular item of clothing that was hers that we were unfairly keeping from her. She didn't seem to acknowledge that the kids didn't go home naked, so if one of the shirts from her house stayed at our house, that meant she had one of our shirts. After one such exchange, DH told her that he wanted the fancy sweatshirts he had purchased for SSs to come back to his house. BM told him "those don't even fit them any more!" Six months later, SS11 was wearing it in his school picture. I'm honestly surprised that DH hasn't gotten an angry text because one SS left a nice sweatshirt she got him at our house. It's crumpled on the floor in our tv room. I told both kids three times to go around the house and make sure they had everything they brought with them, but then found it yesterday in a heap on the floor. The kid is 11, it's not my job to gather all of his things before he leaves my house. I shouldn't even have to remind him to do that.

Simpleton21's picture

"She told him that he was being a deadbeat dad for not taking her calls, that she had no intention of following that clause, that she'd talked to her husband and they both decided it would be child neglect for her and DH to not talk to one another." - LOL, um, that is a bit of a stretch but I also deal with a crazy BM so I'm not to surprised by anything I hear on here! I think we should start a blog/thread about the most ridiculous things BMs come up with when trying to manipulate/bash/guilt trip there ex husbands! Wow! I know I made this comment on another blog. Not sure if it was one of your's or not but my SO's ex once told us that by not sitting next to her (the BM) at SD's skating practice that we were only hurting SD!

strugglingSM's picture

Haha - I don't think you commented on my blog before, but the BM in my life tried to make the same argument to DH. She said that by not sitting together at games and not "being friends" they were hurting their kids. She's swears up and down that she and her husband are nothing but nice and friendly to me and DH and we are just mean, mean, mean right back to her by "not even saying hi" to her. She is so out of touch with how she comes across that she doesn't realize that the whole world knows that she views DH with nothing other than disdain by the sneer on her face when she says hi. After one of the games, one of my SS's said to DH "why is mom always mad at you?" She also told DH, "the kids never feel like they're in the middle, just ask them", after DH told her he was angry at her for always causing conflicts at the game and putting the kids in the middle. She's so desperate and needy that it drives me nuts.

Simpleton21's picture

It never ceases to amaze me what kind of crap she can twist into what is hurting SD and what is in SD's best interest. I remember reading that comment (about the kids in the middle) in one of your blogs or comments...seriously?!?! That right there shows she puts them in the middle! We have to do shared 4th of July and shared Halloween (if SO wants to spend that time with SD) per her whacked out custody agreement because obviously acting like you are still a family when you aren't is in the best interest of the child and forcing all future companions to spend these holidays with their new loves ex is completely normal. Anytime BM doesn't get her way SO is a deadbeat dad. I'm currently reading "Goodbye to Crazy" that another step talker shared with me. I think you would benefit from reading it as well, lol!

strugglingSM's picture

And after all her talk about how she'd much prefer if DH just communicated with the orthodontist himself, the only information she provided him was a picture of a print-out from dentist of a treatment summary, including a tooth extraction that she scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving. No indication of who the orthodontist is or how we might contact said orthodontist. I think she just wanted to show DH how much she was paying (or how much his insurance was paying) for the kids' first dentist appointment in over a year.

A more resilient child would be fine one day after a tooth extraction, but this is my SS11 who was convinced he had a concussion on Saturday and has been convinced three times within the last year that his arm has been broken. He's also the same SS who can barely stand to be away from his mother for the weekend, so good luck to us having him on Thanksgiving and over Thanksgiving break. Maybe they'll give him some painkillers that will cause him to sleep for most of time he's with us.

twoviewpoints's picture

If DH's dental insurance is paying for anything, the info is on his insurance. Can't your DH log on to his insurance and view where a claim came in from for the consult/initial appointment?

If not, the kid is eleven, not five, surely kid knows where he went and who he saw. Ask the kid who his orthodontist is.

strugglingSM's picture

DH wants information from the ortho before any treatment has been rendered. Basically he wants info on the treatment options. Since no ortho treatment has happened, there are no claims, yet.

This is also coming from a BM who says she always provides him with all information. I'm sure we can track down the ortho, but our having to track that info down proves the point that BM talks a good game about providing info, but ultimately doesn't follow through.

When there was a problem with a prescription, DH offered to take care of it and asked her for contact info from the doctor. She said he was just "demanding things from her" and "making her do work", he replied "fine, just give me the doctor's name." My view is that if you want to claim that you *always* provide info then you provide info when it's requested, if not, you're just being immature.

Tiger7's picture

I am chuckling over the fact that the BM in my life also sounds like the one in yours. She always needs to control every situation. Always calls on the weekends we have the girls with some drama. One time while at his sister's for a family get together, she called, crying, and said the oldest was going to be arrested any time now, probably that night, for attempted murder. To this day, I don't understand the story she was telling him but needless to say, no one got arrested. She is the most drama filled, crazy loon I've ever come across. And she likes to say that she is a great mom and my SO is a terrible dad. LOL

strugglingSM's picture

DH texted BM about the fact that both boys have missing homework. She replied to him by saying "I am an excellent mother" and then telling him that the only reason he cared about homework being in is because *my* standards were to high for the kids and I just wanted to make her look bad.

Whenever DH contacts her about something that concerns him about the kids, she tells him he's only saying that because he hates her or because he's bitter about the divorce. Um, ok.

She also called him a deadbeat dad and said he didn't care about his kids, because it took a few days for all the paperwork to be processed to add the kids to his health insurance. He was running around like a chicken with his head cut off trying to get the insurance company to move faster and I pointed out to him that if they were married, it would probably take that long to process things anyway and she likely wouldn't be yelling at him about it (although from what he's told me, she probably would be yelling at him).

I've told DH repeatedly that divorce was the best thing that ever happened to BM because now she has someone (DH) to blame for all the things that go wrong in her life, even if he has nothing to do with them.

I can't wait until the kids are older and start getting into real trouble...I'm sure DH will get frantic texts from BM about disasters that never actually happen like the one you describe above. She's only allowed to speak to him on the phone during emergencies and I think she's already lost those privileges by pretending everything was an emergency when they first added that clause. My favorite "emergency" was when she decided in April that she had changed her mind about sending the kids away to sleep-away camp because they were just too young. Then there was the "behavior emergency" that was "too complicated to discuss over the phone" that was really just that SS11 was talking back to her and her husband and therefore, she thought he needed to spend more time with DH because she was convinced his behavior was because he missed his father - specifically, SS11 needed to spend the upcoming weekend with DH because BM and her husband wanted to go away.

Tiger7's picture

Hahahaha - we've had those "emergencies" too. My SO used to parent out of guilt - still does sometimes but he's getting better; he also used to just bend to the will of the BM because he wanted peace and he knew she had the power to keep the kids from him. When I entered his life, I just sat back and watched and was appalled at how he was being treated. I started speaking up and he finally grew a backbone and stands up to her now and sees there's no consequences - she can't do anything to him. The 15 yr old INSISTS on spending time with her dad; BM cannot stop her. The 17 yr (will be 18 in Dec) is just like her mom (b*tch on a broomstick). She cuts him off when she's mad - that's the phase they're currently in now. She won't speak to him at all. I told him to wait it out - her bday and Xmas are coming. Guess who will be back around? I'm so disgusted by this kid.