MIL and her knack for ruining a step christmas
So, MIL again makes her attempt at Christmas plans that totally ignore anything about our schedule or DH's time with skids. She even includes Skids on the text when she tells everyone that she will take them to the family cabin on DH's next weekend (we can't go because DH has a work meeting on Saturday and then we fly out Monday morning) without saying anything to DH about it first. She is now trying to arrange for us to see his precious sister on the three days she is here before they all go away for the weekend (which they could do on Monday and Tuesday (20th and 21st) since everyone else is off which would allow us to see her on Sunday during the day). She asks us to let her know what's "best for us" I tell her that weeknights are difficult because we have a teething toddler and both have after work commitments on different days. MIL replies that surely there must be a day and she is only trying to "keep family connections alive".
In this context, DH had the following verbatim convo with MIL this evening:
DH: Monday is the only day that will work for us.
MIL: well that's not very convenient for your sister. She flies in that day and she'll be tired.
DH: I'm not really concerned about what's convenient for sister. I'm concerned about what's convenient for my daughter and my wife.
BM: are you mad at your sister?
DH: No, I'm mad at you.
BM: What did I do?
DH: I wish you would stop making plans with my kids without consulting with me. (He offers several examples of how she's done this on his time in the last few weeks.)
BM: Well, I think you've just decided that you're angry. So, I'll talk to you later.
It's not a wonder that DH ended up with BM, because MIL is the original narc. Never responsible...and always only doing what is in the "best interest of the children".
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You guys should just stick to
You guys should just stick to your plans and tell MIL to pack sand. If it doesn't work for your schedule, too bad, better luck next time. How old are skids? Is DH able to put his foot down and say "No, skids aren't going" even though MIL sent the group text to try to circumvent DH? If so, I'd just do that and move on with your plans.
This sounds like us trying to schedule with my MIL. It always has to be her way and to hell with everyone else. We have literally just told her "No" and ignored her tantrums afterward. Sure, she badmouths us to everyone, but who cares. We just had Christmas with my MIL today actually and now that it's over and MIL got to play "happy family," I'm sure we won't hear from her for another 6 months.
Yeah, Monday is his sister's
Yeah, Monday is his sister's chance to see our daughter. If that's not good enough for her then, oh well, guess we'll have to wait until next year. We all could have gotten together on Sunday the 19th, but since sister really wanted "family cabin time" and we can't go then, Monday is her only choice.
Basically, in MIL's view, we're all supposed to drop everything and do what sister wants (not sure if sister believes this, although she would likely pout if we didn't create an opportunity for her to see our daughter).
Last year, sister was stuck abroad due to covid and MIL said, "what's the point of celebrating Christmas if sister is not going to be here!" She was not joking, she said it with a tinge of sadness in her voice. When sister is here she walks around like a puppy behind her. Sister told me that she doesn't bring SOs home for holidays any more because MIL gives them "the cold shoulder." Last year, MIL also demanded to come to my house on Christmas Day to see my newborn because I refused to bring her to the family gathering due to covid. She then demanded that DD not nap, even though she was falling asleep when MIL arrived, so she could hold her for hours while I catered to MIL's needs while she was sitting with my newborn.
And I'm sure there will be sh$t-talking about us at the Christmas dinner they all have on the 23rd...held that day so SSs can be there (MIL has already arranged with BM without saying anything to DH). And SSs are so alienated that it's not even like they would stick up for us or not believe what was being said. They are part of the "family" and we are not...and they'd like to keep it that way. Like when Silent SIL, who didn't come to Thanksgiving because she had supposedly lost her voice, called in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner to talk to BIL, her kids, MiL, and SS (and told SS she loved and missed him) and skipped talking to DH and I and didn't ask about DD (we were the only other people there).
Sounds like my MIL. She
Sounds like my MIL. She prefers BILs over DH and nothing is the same without them present, but she could care less if we were around. She follows both BILs like little puppies but DH is the black sheep. We are also supposed to flex for everything to accomodate BILs, but no one ever accomodates us. I'm lucky that MIL calls us only once or twice a year. I'm sure my MIL talks crap about us and that I "keep DH away from his family," but we just ignore it. If that statement were true, we wouldn't see FIL either, yet we are super close with him and DH's stepmom.
I am due with a baby in February and I have already told DH, absolutely NO visits from MIL. I have talked to my SIL (who has 2 kids with BIL) and MIL visited them directly after birth and expected SIL (who had csections with both), to cater to MIL for days while MIL just sat there holding the baby. SIL said MIL is completely useless. I told DH that is 100% not happening.
I would ditch MIL, SIL and skids. Let them have their merry little party all on their own. You, DH, and DD will never be in their inner circle and honestly, you don't want to be. I would just ignore their "requests" for anything and live your lives.
I also had a c-section and
I also had a c-section and still had to cater to MIL ("bring me a burp cloth", "bring me a bottle" (I was breastfeeding at the time), etc). She's super entitled.
DH's sister reached out and said, "I hear there are scheduling difficulties". He told sister what was going on. She replied, "yeah, she's a bulldozer...and she's now bulldozing to make plans for me." Implying that sister did not sanction the bulldozing. She told DH he should just work with her to make plans. I told DH that maybe he should go out with sister one night by himself...after he's done with his commitments and DD is in bed.
I thought that I might get a little more respect once DD was born...because Silent SIL never has to do anything she doesn't want to and she is always being praised by MIL...but no, I'm married to MIL's least favorite child, so I still get treated poorly.
Fortunately, MIL is going to Florida for the winter, so I will neither see her for a while. I'll get her long, detailed emails to all and sundry, detailing her days in Florida, but I will not reply (like 99% of the other people on her distribution list). She sometimes will send DH a plaintive message saying, "didn't you see my messages?!" as if he was somehow the only one not replying, but she won't send those to me. I now know enough that replying never leads to anything productive or positive.
Lol, she's something else.
Lol, she's something else. Next time he should just say: Monday is the only night that works for us.
MIL: that won't work for your sister.
BM: okay, guess we won't be seeing you guys then! Merry Christmas! *hang up*
We're basically offering
We're basically offering Monday as the only option. We all could have gotten together on Sunday the 19th, but MIL scheduled over that for "family cabin time". Everyone else at "family cabin time" is off all the following week and MIL had originally suggested that they all go out Saturday to Monday or Sunday and Monday, so it's not like that wasn't an option...just didn't fit what MIL wanted.
The kicker is she always has to add in something that pushes me over the edge, like this, which she included in a text to me, "I know holiday gatherings are complicated, but it is what it is." No, MIL holiday gatherings are only complicated to schedule because you make them so and then if we can't go during your specified time, you insist that we find / make alternate time for sister to meet with us.
I'm tempted to tell DH that he should tell MIL he'll pick up sister on Monday so MIL doesn't come with her, but that would be more of an inconvenience for us than it might be worth, because it will not open MIL's eyes to the fact that she treats DH like crap and there are consequences for that.
Just ignore. If sister wants
Just ignore. If sister wants to see you, she will see you Monday, tired or not. Don't make yourselves into pretzels to accommodate her or MIL.
OP, your MIL is a classic
OP, your MIL is a classic manipulator, as evidenced by all the passive aggressive statements...
You're lucky in that your H supports YOU, his wife, and doesn't cave in to Mummy's demands. Many guys don't have their partner's backs.
She's a master manipulator...
She's a master manipulator....and she always makes others feel uncomfortable. My friends still talk about the rehearsal dinner for our wedding when MIL insisted that everyone go around the table and give us "marriage advice". She initially suggested that everyone also tell a story about us, but I loudly vetoed that idea. It was like MIL saw her role as MC'ing our dinner. She also wanted me to find a "historic home" where she could host a catered dinner (she wanted me to find it because the wedding was in my home state, not the state we live in). I told her I could do that, but renting it would cost about as much as renting a venue for a wedding (since that's typically what those "historic homes" are used for), so we had it at a restaurant DH and I picked...and then my mother made the arrangements, because MIL sat on it forever.
It's no wonder she loves BM, because they are cut from the same cloth....self-aggrandizing manipulators who always feel they are being victimized...and are only ever "doing what's best for the children".
Very proud of you DH for
Very proud of you DH for saying those things to MIL, boo hoo to her.
My in laws do the same exact thing they make plans and then ask us about them then cop an attitude if they don't work for us. Literally none of my in laws have full time jobs, they either work part time, stay at home or are retired. My DH and I both work, so why don't they ask us FIRST? My DH doesn't want to spend his few days off dealing with his family either.
MIL always has one or two
MIL always has one or two people whose schedules and needs she prioritizes and then the rest of us are expected to just go along with it...and it happens every year...and I've said something to her in past years. And now, I just plan to do my own thing. But DH does have a soft spot for sister....so, he has a hard time ignoring requests that involve her. We're not hustling ourselves out to the family cabin for 12 hours, which probably would have happened a few days ago, so I'll take that as a win.
That's great your DH sticks
That's great your DH sticks up for you and puts you first, you have a lot going there and I really mean it. My DH puts in order: SD, MIL, BM, SIL, ...Me
I had to work at DH standing
I had to work at DH standing up to MIL and also at noticing when MIL bulldozes him (which he still doesn't always notice, same with BM). I think in many ways, he finds it liberating to tell MIL how he feels, but he also repeatedly tells me that he thinks it's pointless because "she's not going to change." I tell him, "but at least you spoke up, because what she's doing is not right."
I'm sorry your DH prioritizes so many above you....that's a really difficult situation to be in. I was there for almost the first year of our relationship.