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DH is "punishing" BM

strugglingSM's picture

BM  has been relatively silent for the last few weeks, but this weekend she emailed and asked DH when he would resume his visits. Less than 24 hours later, she sends the same message again and adds that overly-dramatic SS (the one who found it "traumatic" to come to our home less than six months ago), said, "it's so unfair that I can't see my dad." DH has been facetiming with both kids regularly and neither has said, "hey dad, when can we come to your house?", apparently, they only share their "feelings" with BM.

Things in our state have quieted down a bit and SSs have told him that they have not been socializing outside their home (still don't know if I believe them, but whatever), so DH decided that this weekend, he would take SSs to the family cabin. He replied and told BM that he would resume his weekend visitations this week. 

BM replied with a long message about how overwhelmed she is "caring for the children" 24/7 and how she would really like it if DH would take them for more than a weekend. The children are teens, so not sure what "caring" she is doing for them. They can make their own food and while they may be bored, they are not likely looking to their mother to entertain them. This is the same woman who regularly leaves them home alone when they are with her, but now all the casinos are closed, so she has no outlet. My work colleagues have children the same age and they talk about how great it is to have "older" kids at home because they are giving them chores to do and the kids are making their parents lunch. Not my SSs, apparently, they still need to be "cared for" like babies.

DH replies, "You can drop them off at the usual time on Friday." He gets six paragraphs in response - starting with how BM cannot believe that DH is not heartbroken over not spending more time with his children, and how she knows he is only sticking to their custody order to "punish" her, and how her family told her that DH would do this on purpose just to get to her. 

Seriously, this woman is so juvenile. I'm sure it's annoying to have SSs around all the time, but this is the same woman who never wanted to discuss giving DH more custody time and who spent a large portion of last year trying to reduce DH's time. She also constantly texts one SS when he is with us and tries to control everything DH does, so it's not as if he ever gets to spend "quality time" with his children. Also, notice that she doesn't offer to give up child support in exchange for DH taking over the duties of the custodial parent. 

SSs are supposed to be in school, this isn't vacation. I'm sure they're not really doing anything, but I know that they are supposed to be doing something. Also, why would we take them into our home, so they could be bored here...more bored than they would be at BM's where they each have their own tv, Xbox, and likely a large number of other tech toys. I'm working, so I'm not going to take on "caring" for SSs "24/7", while DH also sits around being angry and bored. 

The only good thing is that they are going to the cabin without me, so I'll have another SKid-free weekend. 



StrawberryPie's picture

Yay for your skids free wkend!  What is with these BMs?  Is there a playbook they all read?!  The BM here pulls the same stuff. Its annoying and juvenile.  Sorry you both are going through this. 

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

Yep that's the BM playbook. BM used to send several pages crap emails too until we started ignoring her and only responded to logistics with a  yes that will work or no we will not be available. She got the hint and stopped. 

strugglingSM's picture

DH has been following that approach for months - sending one sentence, factual replies, only when an answer is justified. He still gets emails that are paragraphs long and throw everything but the kitchen sink at him. Classic "word salad" approach. 

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

Word salad is right. We started to realize it was because she was lonely and needed to vent about the struggles of parenting. After we went crickets in her she must have started leaning more on her boyfriend which is a good thing. We haven't heard her vent to DH in a long time. Glad she finally cut the chord. 

Gimlet's picture

Good for your DH for standing his ground.

It really irks me that these women go to court, fight for all the time (and CS!) that they can get, and then want to offer "extra time" to dad, and make sure the kids know about it, but would never dream of amending the CO (and definitely not the CS).  

Enjoy your alone time this weekend!

hereiam's picture

Oh, poor BM, having to have her kids around 24/7.

I am amazed at the number of women who birth children, then are flabbergasted that they actually have to care for them for years (beyond the cute baby stage).

Just like there is always a chance that a step mom could end up with step kids fulltime, there is also always a chance that a wife can become a single parent. And she wanted to be custodial, so haha, she got it.

Any time these types don't get their way, they are victims and are being punished.

And the guilt trips! Oh my God, my DH hates that more than anything and it has ALWAYS backfired, whether it was BM or his daughters.

strugglingSM's picture

I just wonder what BM would do if she was still married and could not hand the kids off to someone else. Would she complain less? Would she complain more? Would she turn to pills like she did when the kids were young and actually needed care?