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BM-speak - “co-parenting” = do whatever I demand

strugglingSM's picture

If you have read any of my other blogs, you know that BM regularly tries to get out of dropping skids off on visition weekends (which is her one obligation under the CO). Now that she has a boyfriend (soon to be husband #3?), she has doubled-down on getting out of this requirement.

Yesterday, she texts DH and says, "can we switch pick up and drop off this weekend?" DH replies, "I can't, but it's fine if you drop them off later." This should address BM's issue because she always claims she can't get out of work on time to get skids to our house by 6pm. 

Then BM sends the following text, "I should have known that you wouldn't be flexible. Every time you ask me for anything, I drop everything to accommodate you but you never do the same for me!" 

No response from DH, so she sends the following, "it just makes me so sad for our children that we can't be civil and co-parent together. They deserve better."

Still no response from DH, "Let me know if you have a change of heart and decide to be flexible. I have work and other commitments that mean I can't get them to your house on time and the person I hired to drive them is unavailable this week."

Still no response from DH, "well, I guess I'll just have to switch weekends."

Still no response, "I can drop them off on Thursday evening, Friday morning, or Saturday morning. If you can't pick them up or do that then I'll have to switch weekends."

Still no response from DH, "a response would be nice!"

Hours later DH replies, "As I've said before, I have commitments too and can't pick them up on Friday, so I would like to stick to our agreement. If you absolutely can't bring them to my house any time on Friday evening, then just this weekend, you can bring them on Saturday morning."

As of today, no response from BM. 

As an aside, when DH changed jobs a few years ago and couldn't make the 1:15pm pick up time he foolishly agreed to at the time of the divorce and asked DH if he could move the pickup time later she threatened to take him to court. She also refused to pick the kids up on Sunday, saying it was "unfair" even though the CO at the time stipulated that "the receiving parent provides transportation", and then told DH he "set a precedent" by driving both ways and her lawyer told her she could ignore the CO, which is why the last mediation stipulated that she do Friday drop off, which she agreed to. Also, this summer she scheduled her vacation over one of DH's weekends and didn't tell him or offer make-up time and he didn't make a stink about it, so I think that's her "flexibility" quota for the summer. Also, whenever DH asks to switch weekends, she either tells him she doesn't owe him anything or tells him he'll owe her money if he wants to switch. 

I'm so sick of the manipulative BS...cannot wait until Skids stop visiting and then become adults, so DH can block her entirely.


NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

and what I have seen on here, any BM who uses the words "co-parent" and complains/whines about why the other parent cannot "co-parent" really just want to control everything like you started in your subject. I don't know any step parent personally who actually has a situation where co-parenting is a real option. However, I would think the people who can actually co-parent with their child/children's other parent does not ever need to use the words co-parent because it is just done. 

To these high conflict BM's, if you are not bending to their will, letting them control everything, or doing exactly what they want then the other parent is being difficult and unreasonable so to make themselves look good they ask why can't they just co-parent with them. However, these women do not really understand the definition of co-parenting nor do they really want that, they just want complete control. Usually in these circumstances, co-parenting is not even possible, but rather parallel parenting is what is needed.

After rambling, the point is you nailed it on the head, BM just wants control

hereiam's picture

I know that it's frustrating but your DH handled it perfectly.

She is pissed that she is not getting her way AND pissed that he is not engaging in a back-and-forth with her. These bitches hate it when they can't drag our DH's into an argument.

And, really, he is being flexible. He's allowing her to drop them off on Saturday, instead of Friday evening. So, screw her.

All of her other banter is just her trying to put a guilt trip on him and trying to get him to engage with her. Again, screw her.

shamds's picture

Who have been on a post divorce pas vindictive crazy biatch rampage and suddenly when called out on all this or just one day say to the exhusband "i hope we can put our differences aside for the sake of our kids" when hcgubm made damn well sure this was never possible.

best thing is ignore and refer to court order wording and ignore any bullshit from her. When she starts berating and harassing you non stop for not being accommodating, its very tempting to screenshot all those time she was never accommodating to call her out on her bullshit but no good will come out of it. 

she'll use it as ammo to attack you even more

ExhaustedByItAll's picture

Could have been written by our BM.

DH once got an all caps text that said, "RESPOND TO ME!!!" Similar situation, BM wanted to change drop off/pick up arrangements, DH had already agreed to change 3 weeks prior to pickup but then she wanted to change again, when he didn't respond, she changed her mind and wanted something different, this went on for several rounds with no response from DH until he got that "RESPOND TO ME!!!" message. He still waited until the next day and finally said, "As agreed on x date, I will be dropping the kids off on [day] at [time]." Her comeback (she always has to have the last word), "WELL YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT!" He did tell you that, 3 weeks ago, you psycho. ROFL.

SeeYouNever's picture

Is it crazy that we have all seen this same exact conflict and conversation play out in our own versions? Co-parenting always devolves into do what I say. These types are more concerned about racking up these petty wins while hiding behind lawyers and the co, if it fits their narrative. 

These people couldn't solve any of their problems while they were together and they certainly are not any better of it and now that they are "co-parenting" separately.

CastleJJ's picture

Our BM loved to do everything like this. BM has sole legal and physical custody due to DH and BM being unwed... that's it. DH did nothing to warrant BM getting full custody. During the initial court proceedings that occurred when SS was a baby, BM withheld all contact until SS was two. She said because there was no ordered CO yet, she owed DH nothing. DH fought BM tooth and nail for visitation, but BM kept playing games to dodge contact. When the judge went to reevaluate custody at the end of the court process, he decided BM would keep sole custody because DH had barely ever met SS... thanks to BM's doing. 

To this day, when BM insists that DH fails to "coparent" and acts out like this, she always throws in "things are the way they are because of choices you made." We believed she was referring to the fact that DH didn't see SS for two years due to BM and that is was her way of calling him a deadbeat. And this may have been part of her reasoning. The first time she said this and provided actual reason for her anger, SS was 5 and BM indicated that she was mad that DH refused to sign the birth certificate without proof of paternity. 5 YEARS and she was still holding that grudge. DH had been added to SS' birth certificate after the courts determined paternity, so his name was only left off for a few months, and she held this grudge over something that had been corrected for 5 years. We have learned that we either cave to BM to "coparent" and be miserable, or we stand our ground, whether she likes it or not, and enjoy our lives. All she wants is control. You really cannot coparent with high conflict. 

Ursula's picture

Anyone on this site is unlikely to have a BM that actually knows what it means to co-parent.  Our BM is the same way. Co-parent means do whatever she demands.  

Harry's picture

And give her control of your home.  It's only going to get worst.  And all will be lost.  All you would be doing is accommodating her wishes