BM is losing her mind because we won't take the kids
To go back a bit, when all of this COVID-19 broke, DH reached out to BM and told her that because he is immune-compromised, he would like Skids to stay home if they are sick or if anyone in BM's home was sick or exposed. BM replied and said that she would actually prefer if Skids stayed at her home. DH was sad - he didn't want to move from seeing them entirely - but said ok. Then, after schools were closed, DH goes to the grocery store and sees SS hanging out with six other kids, so he (DH) decides that maybe BM is not following social-distancing and maybe he's okay with not seeing SSs.
Fast forward to DH's actual weekend. BM sends him a string of angry messages saying she can't believe he doesn't want to see SSs. Then she has overly-dramatic SS call and say "are we going to your house this weekend, dad?" This was after DH had called both SSs and said, "your mother and I decided it was best for you to stay at her house while this is going on." DH also reiterated his health issues, which SSs know about. DH said that because he was under the impression that he and BM had agreed. DH reminded BM that they agreed and she sent him a long angry message about what a terrible, neglectful father he is.
Then last Friday, BM sends not one, but two messages saying she thinks it's safe to drop SSs off (even though it is not DH's weekend), so she's going to do that. She claims that her DH and her SS have not been working - but they work at big box retail stores that are still open - but she also reveals that she is struggling with SSs. She then talks about how much they miss DH and how they are just desperate to see him. DH again says that he doesn't think it's safe and he wants to wait until we pass the peak of the virus. I also think it's a bit much that BM emailed on Friday morning about the weekend.
DH has been in contact with both SSs multiple times and neither one is begging to come to our home. They are both 14, so don't need a lot of supervision. Of course, on his most recent call, SS asks "are you working, Dad?" Neither boy has called DH and one doesn't always answer when he calls, so really, they are not bothered.
Today, BM sends DH, not one, not two, but five emails telling him how he's a terrible father and it's so unfair that he is not working, but refuses to help her entertain the children. Clearly, she got the "not working" information from SS.
DH replies and reiterates that he's concerned for his health and doesn't believe her when she says that her husband and stepson are not working, since everyone else at their stores is still working. He asks her to please respect his health and to not insult him anymore.
Seriously, I understand that no governor wants to say that custody agreements are null and void, but how is sharing custody different than visiting relatives (which our governor has specifically told us not to do during this time)? If we're mixing households, how is that going to manage the spread? That would mean that if SSs came to our home, our household would be mixing with everyone DH's household mixed with by default.
Also, why can't controlling BMs accept that if they want complete control, that means they get complete responsibility in return. It's not DH's job to "help" BM out as the custodial parent. She's still getting child support to be the custodial parent and she insists on "being in charge" of everything, including what DH does on his weekends. DH is not her slave and he's not obligated to do anything for her. If the kids really needed to be someplace else or really needed something, then sure, he could step in, but the kids seem fin and this is all about BM. Also, if you insult someone, then demand that they help out, or else, do you actually expect a grown adult to say "okay, I'll help you" even though you are treating them like crap?
Finally, why can't BMs accept that there are different ways to parent and that's okay. DH doesn't have to do what she does or do what she wants in order to be considered a "good father". That's not for her to decide...it's also not for MIL to decide, but that's another blog post.