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UPDATE; The Bedroom Saga....

stressedstep's picture

So, the debate took a slight turn in the right direction on Saturday night.....

MIL dropped SD7 off at mine for her sleepover and expressed an unhappiness to how the bedrooms were going to work.

Now, the other day, I said how the bedroom saga with OH went better than expected, and OH continues to exceed any expectation I had with him on this issue, but I also said that BM had flared up over something or other...which was SD7 being "extremely upset". Turns out that SD7 has concerns about her and her dads time and love....SD7 was worried that OH would love baby more than her, and that baby wouldnt love her as much as he would love my, sometimes I wonder about how my OH explains this, so I tried to talk to him first. I told him that re the affection, its normal for SD7 to be jealous, as its a new thing having a younger sibling. I also said that the "love" between the baby and both BD7 and SD7 would be the same, but the closeness will be different maybe, cos of the amount of time baby will be with BD7 given that SD7 doesnt live with us. I told him NOT to tell her about the closeness part, but to assure her that affection will remain the same throughout and NOT to make it into a big thing, make it out to be a "dont be daft ya sausage" kinda thing. SD7 has shown no sign of not being excited still, which is a good thing. He decided to take her out on bike for half hour to chat with her on his own as soon as MIL dropped her off....which left me sitting alone with MIL......
So MIL asked what was happening with the bedrooms now....I told her that we basically didnt have a choice given I was expecting a boy, and that SD7 would have to sleep in BD7's room when she stayed here.....she wondered if there was another way to work things, but could see that there was no choice in the matter. She asked what was happening to SD7's bed, and I told her the whole thing, no bed, bunk beds instead, SD7 taking 90% of her toys home to BM's etc etc. She looked like she was chewing a wasp at first in fairness.......
OH returned home, and the conversation which, in my utter surprise....MIL also understood!!!!!! If OH had any reservations or questions, they were all answered in one foul swoop by MIL, as were any concerns I had left....MIL said that ultimately "the thing is, the room has to be done so as not to infringe on BD7, as its her room, but at the same time, a place for SD7 has to be provided at the same time, so I can see that what your doing is in fairness to both and should work ok" was a good job I was sitting down! :jawdrop:

I then discovered (after MIL had left and had a long conversation with OH by her car!) that OH had not told SD7 about the bedroom change, yet I had spoken with my BD7....during a chat, SD7 asked where baby would sleep, and I never said anything. I was hoping that OH would pipe up and take the reins since he should have done so anyway....but alas, OH found no SD7 asked again and again, in the end I said that he will be in his cot in his room.....BD7 said then excitedly said that they were having bunk beds and that she wanted bottom bunk...SD7 was actually genuinely ok, and was happy that she had the top bunk too!
Myyounger brother has also just bought baby his own wardrobe and chest of drawers for his new room too...bless his cotton socks!! Smile

So, all in all, Id say the bedroom saga is done and sorted. There may be few little niggles, but nothing that cant be sorted out!!


twoviewpoints's picture

"but the closeness will be different maybe, cos of the amount of time baby will be with BD7 given that SD7 doesn't live with us. I told him NOT to tell her about the closeness part, but to assure her that affection will remain the same throughout and NOT to make it into a big thing, make it out to be a "don't be daft ya sausage" kinda thing."

I think one thing you'll have to watch out for is signs or attempts from your DD7 that she is more 'superior' to the baby when SD is visiting because DD7 does live 24/7 with baby. You'll want to be sure DD7 doesn't come across as possessive or too protective when SD7 is present. Kinda like for example, SD7 is about to hold baby sitting next to Daddy and suddenly DD7 runs over and starts telling SD7 how to properly hold the baby or something like 'ssshhhhh, you have to be quiet and gentle, baby doesn't like too much of this or that'.

While all that may be totally true, it should not be DD7 telling or showing SD7 these things. Those things should come from you/Dad if needed. If it is DD7, it will very much reinforce SD7's insecurities that DD7 is 'closer' and SD7 is the outsider. You don't want DD7 to get into the position of playing 'little boss' or 'little Ms Know-it-all' when it comes to the baby when SD7 is around. For one, you don't want SD7 to start resenting DD7. I'm sure DD7 wouldn't try that stuff to be mean or upset SD7 on purpose, but if you watch for it and supervise the interactions of the baby and child you'll be able to stay on top of it so the visits don't turn miserable and bickering kids with hurt feelings. You certainly can't help if baby and DD7 do indeed grow 'closer' than baby and SD7, but you can help make the situation less noticeable and or problem causing.

As a side note....I'm glad MIL didn't suggest you and DH sleep on the living room floor and give all the kids and baby their own rooms Wink

stressedstep's picture

I totally agree with you!

I have already taken little steps, just general conversational things, with my BD7 to make sure this doesnt happen with baby and the bedroom change to be honest. I know BD7 would look at it as trying to help, but im aware that it could be taken the other way.

I think both the girls will find their own relationship with the baby, and as they get older the dynamics will be understood better.

The reason I started chatting to BD7 was because of something she said a couple of months ago. Id told my BD7 that on the weekends when SD7 was with us, she had to let SD7 take part with the helping, ie passing me things at nappy time or bath time etc but let SD7 take the BD7 felt she was being pushed out for SD7....I had to explain that she wasnt being pushed out, but that SD7 wouldnt have the opportunity to help as much as BD7 would, and that SD7 would like to help too....besides BD7 was with us all week so was going to be helping a lot, and to accept SD7s help on the weekends! She was ok with it after that, and instead was really encouraging to SD7 helping when talking to SD7! lol I think (well, Im hoping!) that Im managing to talk to BD7 ok, and that she understands that it will be difficult for SD7 to find her place in all of this. Im also aware that its going to be difficult for both the girls, just in different ways, so its just a matter of explaining and reassuring really isnt it??

Re the bedrooms...I was actually dreading what she would suggest to be honest! Im just glad, that for once, me and my BD7s feelings and I suppose rights, are being taken into consideration. Normally, I dont feel that I or my BD7 are catered too, and as its my home, that OH moved into, it can make it a bitter pill sometimes....but, things are going in the right direction!!