Where to begin…
This is my first post and I’m not sure where to begin. I guess by first saying that having now read through others posts, it feels so much better knowing I’m not alone in this. Stepmotherhood is hard!
I have a SD who is 5 and a BD who is 6 months. My DF and I have been together for two years and living together for a year and a half. We have SD with us every F-M.
When we first were together I had the naïve dream that I could be a mom to SD. That we could become this seamlessly blended family. I tried. I cried to DF about wanting it. Fast forward two years later and I wish I didn’t have to know SD anymore. I dread her coming, I’m stressed the entire time she’s here.
I know there are many factors at play, first having a new “ours” baby. My love for her came immediately and is boundless, it is so different from how I’ve ever felt about SD and I realize I don’t think it’s possible for me to ever feel that way for her. I also want to be able to put BD first and SD takes away my ability to do that. Everything from SD being so loud when I’m trying to give BD a nap (and then complaining about how needy the baby is— duh, she’s exhausted!) to playing with the baby toys when I’d like to keep them new for baby.
I often have to care for both children as my DF has two jobs. He isn’t often away for more than four hours at a time, but it’s frequently more than once a weekend. It stresses me out trying to care for both and when it’s in the evening, for instance, I can’t do baby’s bedtime when she’s ready for bed, I have to wait until SD is in bed because SD will not give me a moment to myself to do anything.
And then, of course, SD just drives me crazy. She has such an attitude, is argumentative, and is so needy. I understand that she’s 5, but come on. She needs constant attention. She cries because she wants someone to hang out with her in the bathroom when she bathes, she wants someone in the room with always, always listening and responding to her incessant talking, watching everything she does, helping her with things she’s proven capable of. She’s definitely a center of attention child, and I’m more of an introvert which makes a difficult clash. And that attitude and arguing is so much like her BM, I can’t stand it. She puts her BM on such a pedestal because BM doesn’t really parent and just gives her everything she wants. DF tends to cave because of guilt, leaving me to be the evil SM because I don’t let her have her way all the time. It makes me feel like the worst. I have this innate repulsion of her at this point that I don’t find anything she does to be cute and have an immediate repulsion anytime she shows me affection or even touches me or the baby.
Oh goodness, SD is also a mini wife. Barf. And butts in when DF tries to give me any affection. Between her BM’s personality and being wifey to DF, it feels like I’m living with DF’s ex. It’s like I’m forced to witness his former married life, and I hate it.
Okay, so this is clearly mostly venting, but I also don’t know what to do. DF is generally such a good dad and partner. More indulgent with SD than I feel is needed, but I also realize I don’t love her so I’m not inclined to be indulgent at all. But I just can’t stand when she’s here, and can’t stand taking care of both kids all the time (but he needs to work, that’s not an option). I feel like I should talk to him but I don’t want him to feel like it’s an attack on SD because then he just gets defensive and conversation is ineffective. Ugh.