I posted a blog about SS starting to call & talk, very bluntly & honestly with DH before Christmas. He expressed a desire to spend some time with us on Christmas Eve, but we never heard back, so it never happened.

We were hopeful that his very frank & honest comments were signs that he was beginning to do some real soul-searching & that perhaps he was at a point where he was ready to start making an effort to heal his relationship with DH.

DH called both on Christmas Day & on New Years & again yesterday. Never an answer but gets a recording that he can't leave a message because the voicemail is full.

DH has been having bad dreams about SS...about him being small & scared. He's crying & trying to cross a busy road to get away from BM & get to DH on the other side but BM grabs SS & takes him away screaming. That's the one he told me about when I got home from work yesterday, but he said he's been having similar dreams for about the last 3 weeks.

DH works as an excavator, & between the snow, ice, & rain we've had over the last couple of months his work hours have been limited. They didn't work at all last week & have only worked Monday of this week. DH has been napping during the day. He has these dreams when he naps. He stays up until 3-3:30am & when he can finally fall asleep, he dreams again.

We went through this for about 11 months when he let the kids go back to BM. Our relationship changed completely, as he fell farther & farther into depression. I'm scared that this is what's happening now...again.

He called me this morning & began talking about all of this after I got to work. He's in tears because he can't get it out of his mind. He's angry & he's hurt. He stated that he felt when he was going to their court-ordered counseling with the kids things were feeling better between him & them. Of course, BM got to choose the counselor, so when facts began flowing & the counselor could see what was taking place & was telling BM that she needed to change her way of parenting, she'd change counselors & they'd have to start the process all over again. I suggested that since DH felt good about the counseling, he go ahead & continue with a counselor to see if he could resolve the issues & feelings he's having now, again, with all of this. He insists that between the counseling he & the kids attended when BM walked away, & the ones he's seen since she's come back, there's nothing they can tell him that he hasn't already been told.

My thought on it is that he never went after the kids went back to BM, to resolve his own individual issues with all of it. My thought is also that counseling isn't about what somebody tells you to do. It's a process. The idea isn't to pay someone to tell you how to fix things. They help you understand your feelings & help guide you through them. His focus was always helping his kids cope with BM issues when he went before. This time he would be able to focus on his own issues. I really feel it's something he needs to do to be able to accept things the things he cannot change & learn how to deal with the things he can change.

I can't say, for sure, what has caused this "relapse" but I suspect it has to do with the sudden active communication that SS initiated & the things he said to DH indicating that there are still many issues & arguments between SS & BM...& now as quickly as the communication picked up, it has vanished with no explanation.

I can say that hearing DH say the things he says...the blame & criticism he puts on himself that are BM's to own...I feel selfish & petty for being so focused on my SM wishes & hurt. To watch him hurt all over again...or still, really...it just really puts what I feel as pain in perspective. Of course, the circumstance is still painful & sad for me, but nothing compared to what my DH has been dealing with. I wish he'd talk to me about it more...what he really feels & what he really carries on his mind. I know it's always there, but until he shares it...I guess when he doesn't talk about it, I just assume he's coping with it all okay. Ugh...