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Chasing the Narcissist - OT sorta

still learning's picture

This has been an ongoing issue with ss33. He will get really close to DH when he wants/needs something then flee and not talk to DH for 6 months if DH is unable to meet a request. The entire time DH is moping and feeling bad that ss won't talk to him. Then suddenly ss reappears and needs to borrow DH's truck and all is good again like nothing ever happened.  Chase, disappear, repeat.  

I had an "Aha!" moment when I realized a close family member plays the same narcissistic chase game. She is in our lives for awhile then gets upset about something and disappears for years. Won't talk to anyone, no one knows if she's ok. She is the main topic of conversation and everyone is trying to figure out who did what to offend her and if she's still alive. Then suddenly out of the blue someone will get a phone call like nothing ever happened.  

There has been a reappearance of this family member and people are again reconnecting. They are going to her and asking me if I've heard from her or if she's reached out to me. "No, and it's fine. She has my number," I say.  It's been about 5 years since there's been any real contact. She's done this a few times before and in my 20's and 30's I was always on the search bandwagon trying to find her and reconnnect.  Right now I am just exhausted by anyone else's drama. So done, just over it. I would never cut her off and am open to reconnection on a very minimal level but am done with the game. I've moved on and accepted that my relationship with her is done.  Too much is going on in my life to play chase again.  I love her and have open arms but is it really too much to expect her to make the move to reconnect this time? 


theoldredhen's picture

Hey, still learning,

For years, your relative has been disappearing, then reappearing to a big welcome. That's her MO, the family has been enabling it for decades and changing it will be difficult. However, you are doing the smart thing in stepping out of the dysfunction. As you have stated, she knows your number.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Interesting pattern there.

Remember how StepAside used to expound on the Chase Me game her SDs played with her H, and the analogy of Ceasar Milan's dog training she used to illustrate her point?

OSD 40ish here is also a narc. Same type of one-way relationship - when we had one. It had nothing to do with love or normal family life. The more $$ we gave her, the more we did for her, the more she wanted. Zero reciprocity. I finally called her out on her crap, which triggered a narc nuclear melt down. DH doesn't chase his kids, thank Dog, so it's been years since we've seen her, and we live only a few miles apart. Narcs don't waste time on people who don't provide narcissistic supply.



Jcksjj's picture

BM, SD and MIL all do this. Or at least something similar. If you arent giving them attention theyre begging for it. But then if you actually go out of your way to try to connect or give them attention they get extremely mean. Narcissistic push-pull. The most annoying part is since I just want to avoid them all as much as possible now of course they wont stop trying for attention. 

somethingwicked's picture

No ,it is not too much to expect this enigma person to make the first social move through contacting you.But you know that won't happen.Narcs only view their life through a tiny porthole that has a big mirror in it so they only see THEM.

I have had similar types you describe  in my life. Decided to let them all go.

A sister pulled the same  behavior.Called whenever she has all kinds of exciting news and wants an audience but there is no 2 way or asks  about your life OR she'd hit me  up for some favor.If I called or emailed would not get a response until she was in the mood or needing to vent.

Then gone again for months unless you make the attempt or overtures to maintain the relationship.I finally stopped because I decided that my life would be less complicated holding onto this type of emotional bondage baggage .

Narcs.Can't live with 'em ,can't understand them , can't kill them.