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It's that time of year again...GRADUATION

StickAFork's picture

Well, I've had three HS graduations thus far, SS24, SD22, and SD19. SS24 and SD19 are DH's children, and SD22 is the SD I "inherited" from my first marriage.
All graduations have not been without drama.
When SS24 graduated, my relationship with DH was in its "baby stages" and it was TERRIBLY uncomfortable. DH sat in the row in front of BM and her parents with his parents (their divorce was in the works) and my kids and I wound up sitting a few rows away without planning it that way. My SD22 had friends graduating, so we attended. I wasn't there because it was SS's graduation, even though we had known he and his family for a few years at that point.
Weird. Awkward. Uncomfortable. Especially since everyone knew DH and I were dating, but BM had told everyone that he and I began dating BEFORE they split.
I know. Shocker.
When SD22 graduated, there was different drama. She continued to live with me after XH and I split. He left the state, but had *promised* to attend her graduation. At this point, the HS only allotted a certain number of tickets for admission. SD didn't really want him there, and told him so. DRAMA! I must have turned her against him. LOL. Her BM, however, also wanted to come. SD finally agreed to it, so we wound up hosting the graduation dinner and inviting BM. Weird. We hosted a small graduation party at our house the day before, and BM was invited to that, too. Double weird. Dh is a saint.
Then SD19 graduated last year. DRAMA! She didn't want me there, DH said he wouldn't go if I didn't go, blahblahblah. Tickets were again required. I didn't want to go, DH insisted she invite me, then tickets were no longer required. (Not enough seniors qualified to graduate. Nice!!) I didn't go. DH went alone. It just wasn't worth it.

Now...it's DS18's turn. God help me, there are a limited number of tickets. We moved and the HS has nearly ONE THOUSAND graduating seniors. So...four tickets each student. People who want to attend and have PLANNED on attending include:
DH, SD22, DS15, DD12, grandpa and grandma, uncle and aunt. There are others, too, but not people who would "expect" to attend if limited numbers were available. XH and his entire family have nothing to do with our children.
So...shit hits the fan. DH has graciously offered to stay home, as he feels it's more important that I, my two bios, and SD22 attend. SD22 already has a plane ticket out. My parents are PISSED. First, they think that uncle and aunt should attend. Aunt is brand new to the family and uncle is...well, God in my parents' eyes. They are totally offended that he is not included. THEN it occurred to them that there aren't enough tickets for THEM.
Hmm. They seem to think that SD22 should not go. I mean, she's "mostly" their sister, but... WTF? She's been their sister in every way for their entire lives! They also seem to think that ALL of the kids should stay home, and the four tickets should be me, DH, and them.

Help me out, StepTalkers. I view "my family" (and thus DS's family) as me, my kids, and DH. DH is offering not to go. Why should I leave all of my kids (SD included) home just to take the grandparents?

Now, they HAVE been close to DS for a good portion of his life...they are also the parents who threw me out on ear when I had him. (Long story.) Kinda pisses me off that they're feeling so entitled. Any thoughts or suggestions?
Am I missing some other option?

There are no additional tickets to purchase. There will be a raffle at some point, but nothing is guaranteed.

Comments

Last-Wife's picture

Praying for you... Doesn't the school set up another venue where the graduation is shown over a television screen. My cousin's school did that... I really don't have any GOOD advice. But here is one suggestion. Ask who really WANTS to go. Then put their names in a hat and have a family raffle? That way at least there is some point of fairness...

At this moment, I am dreading graduation too, but glad my SSs class only has 53 kids in it! He hates his mother, doesn't want her at his graduation party, and doesn't want her there. But DH and I know there is really no real way of excluding her from showing up...

StickAFork's picture

53 kids??? Sure beats a thousand!!
No, they aren't showing it anywhere. Sad
Graduation is a 7, runs 2-3 hours, and grad nite is at 10. I'm thinking maybe dinner with everyone beforehand? Maybe?

My parents are losing their shit. Too bad they can't be as gracious as DH...

StickAFork's picture

The thing is...if my kids and I attend, DH can't go. Whether grandparents go or not. I have 2 other kids plus me... unless I leave SD out (suggested by parents) but then only one grand goes.

After today, I'd gladly tell my parents to go fuck themselves. Dealing with cranky, old people is doing me in.

StickAFork's picture

Yes, we live together. No, we don't live in THEIR house. It's our money in this house and it's our money that pays the monthly bills. We *all* bought and moved into this house at the same time.
Their names are primary. That was the tax thing.
We finally agreed to this as they are elderly and struggling with health issues. Trust me, this situation doesn't benefit us.
If we leave, they can't stay. They can't afford it.

But they are miserable people.

StickAFork's picture

This is a new arrangement...as in only months. It came about because they need help and are struggling in their older years.
Yes, if we leave, they MUST move as they cannot afford this house alone. Let them stay with us? That's what we're already doing.

In addition to health issues, their mental capacities are... I'm not sure how to explain it. For instance, one day they went through the trash (all of it) and pulled everything they thought should be recycled.
Then they put it all in our REFRIGERATOR. :? :? :?

I spent the first couple of months working from home, but that was making me insane, so I've tried working out of the home now. We agreed to this and made this committment to them...hence the hesitation to just leave...especially knowing that would throw them in a financial bind as well as possibly put them in danger. There are other things, like heating water for tea and then putting the teapot in the sink and just leaving the GAS stove on full heat.

BTW, as far as whose name is on the house, there's a contract to change that in two years to us. Like I said, it was designed to help them out. The name part is truly secondary to all the rest.

StickAFork's picture

I'm glad you get it.
We're not living off of them, although I think some posters have that opinion...
We all sold our respective houses and bought this one together. I WISH it was a rental.
Instead, if we/they don't keep the house for two years, there's a royal screwing in store. Sad

My brother does NOTHING to help, but they think he's God. Go figure. I don't think they would qualify for assisted living yet...

They haven't help helped to raise my son... they have been the only grandparents in his life, though. They haven't paid for anything, taken him anywhere, and I can probably count the number of times they babysat on one hand. After all, I was a teen mom, so I had to "sleep in the bed I made."

Perhaps one day I'll share what it was like when *I* was a teen mom. Going through this with SD is bringing it back up, and it's making me rather sick...

StickAFork's picture

SD is actually DS's half sibling.
Even if SD didn't go, that's one ticket for grandparents.

oldone's picture

I'm going back to this is the kid your parents kicked you out over. Screw them.

Besides anyone who wants to go sit through HOURS of BORING graduation is nuts anyway. Have a party. The 30 seconds that the grad is the center stage does not make up for the hours and hours of boredom.

StickAFork's picture

Stepdown, if the name on the house thing is what's really sticking with you, does it matter/change anything that there's a contract to change that in two years?

silentnites's picture

You get four tickets, that's how it goes. You give them to who you want to, not who others think should have them. It's not up to them. Adults generally know this, so, your parents are out of line.

Maybe when the time comes to get the tickets, a student may not need four, and you could get another. If I were you and needed an extra ticket, I would get one for the DH.

Good luck! and don't sweat it. Your family, your decisions.

oldone's picture

Since they are now having some mental "issues" just tell them that they went but now they are forgetting it. }:) }:) }:)

(this is a joke)

StickAFork's picture

LOL!!

z3girl's picture

I'm sorry about the difficulties you're having with your parents. It really does suck when your parents get old! It's as if they become toddlers, only they can remember the "freedom" they had when they were more able-body and able-minded, and are too big to simply pick up and carry to their rooms! My father is not only shuffling and scaring me with his "falling" stories all the time, but he's lost his filter and is sometimes very rude to people (although he thinks he is funny!) *sigh*

If your parents really practiced "tough love" when you really needed them, I think you should just go with your gut which is not to include them in the ceremony. The people who want to be there, and who appreciate the chance deserve to go. It's not like they will be traveling! And whenever you doubt your decision, just think of the favor you are doing them with your living situation. I don't think I could ever have my dad live with me, even if it benefited us all financially. I picture my dad as Arthur from "King of Queens" if he were to live with us! Have your early dinner and know you did the best you could in a difficult situation. Obviously nothing will make them happy no matter what you decide.

I am SO glad SD's college graduation this year does not require tickets so we will not have a repeat of hs graduation. My first meeting with BM, sitting between her and DH while they either bickered or she made faces at him around me. Never again!