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Weary of what is... Wary of what is to come... Long tired ramble

Stick's picture

Every time I sit down to write this, I feel a deep exhaustion, and more fear than usual of "what could be".

I am lucky that BM isn't vindictive - so far - because she could be so much worse with courts, attorneys etc. I don't know if she doesn't drag DH and I into court because she doesn't want to spend the money, or because she does not think to go that route. I don't know if it is easier for her to play the poor victim and we are the bad guys taking SD away. I don't know how long BM will only fight with guilt, pressure, and sadness. Eventually she may turn vindictive.. or get angry.

I went to the parent teacher conference with BM this past week. SD is so freakin' smart! She is in a class where they are soldering a circuit board together, then programming the board, then building a robot to work from the board! She can get college credits for 3 of her classes this year (her Jr. year), including to an engineering school! She is also now taking part in drama club and the prom committee! This is HUGE for her. She always had the academics, it was the social activities she wouldn't participate in. So this is good! Smile Also, DH and I received the best email from her guidance counselor saying SD seems "happy" and "settled"!! Woo Hoo!! Smile It's what we wanted!

The worst part about going to the parent teacher conference, that I thought you ladies could oh-so-well relate to, is this... BM and I went to each class together. Each teacher would meet us. "Hi I'm Stick, SD's stepmom"! "Oh nice to meet you"... and then turn to BM... "Hi I'm BM.. SD's MOM" and their response every time was "OHhhhh how nice to meet you!! SD is such a good student, so nice, smart... etc. I see where she gets her eyes. I see where she gets her "fun!" It was very difficult to go through considering everything. And very sad too.

Anyway... on to the week! SD turned 16! We had a surprise party for her and her friends on Saturday which went well, for the most part. But there were some emotional up and downs all weekend due to BM, DH being away for this big birthday, and SD's best girlfriend. SD's friends are somewhat like her mother, unfortunately. And she is seeing that more and more all the time. This latest.. SD's best girlfriend decided that she liked the boy SD liked. And went about getting that boy to "choose" her. And then flirted and teased that boy in front of SD at her birthday party. Nice, huh? I wanted to strangle that girl! Can my SD not get a break from f*cked up people around her???

Also during this past busy week.. met with SD's counselor on Friday!! Good news Ladies!! The counselor has confirmed that BM does fit some of the criteria of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I read some sections to her from "Children of the Self-Absorbed" and she agreed that it was BM. She also indicated to me, that she feels that BM is more Histrionic that Narcissistic. She felt that BM fit 7 of the 8 criteria for Histrionic Personality Disorder. Her therapist also told me that when SD asked her if she was "emotionally abused", she did NOT answer yes or no. I told her that SD took that as "no" as there was no intent to hurt. So that's good. What the therapist said is sad to me... because it infers something else. But I'm glad that SD heard the "no" part. The therapist did tell me that SD is very emotionally smart. She is doing "the work" that people do in their 20's! But we cannot share the supposed diagnosis or talk of personality disorders yet. She is still too young, and too hurt. Even though SD has asked "what is wrong" with her mom... she has not sought out the answer too much yet. So it's not time.

Can I tell you what a bittersweet relief it is to get that vindication? Yes, it's no longer just DH and I thinking BM is a "jerk". The counselor could not give a formal diagnosis as BM is not her patient. But still...

... So now DH can, having the approval of both SD's therapist, and psychiatrist (for the anti-depressants), tell BM that we no longer will force SD to see her. Their relationship will be between them. We are trying to figure out the logistics. But it may be that SD just needs some space and will call BM when she is ready to see her. The therapist and psychiatrist did not think there would be legal ramifications due to SD's age... but we still are going to check with the attorney. We checked to make sure we aren't doing "emotional damage" to SD by allowing this. The therapist thought it may help SD "work through her grief". The psychiatrist thought it could possibly help their relationship in the long run.

This is where we are wary of what is to come. I have to work with DH to get a Power of Attorney, at the very least, for his absence so that I can act in his place. We may have to modify the custody arrangement with the courts and if we do that, then I want the whole child support issues filed at the same time.

I have discovered that I am the "worst case scenario" kind of girl. Where if I have to make a decision, I look at the worst case that could happen when considering it. If I can live with that, then I can go ahead with the decision. The worst cases that could happen with BM right now are frightening to me. But it is in the best interest of SD.

I was able to tell SD tonight and she seemed happy about it. But I don't think it is "real" to her. In her mind, she can come and go out of her mom's life as she wants. She thinks that she will see her mom at that side's birthday party for her, at her Confirmation, at Thanksgiving. She's not sure she wants to see her mom at Christmas. She doesn't even want her mom to touch her and won't talk to her at all right now. I have told her to talk to her counselor and take this one day at a time.

As far as DH and I ... we are entering unchartered territory. I don't know if BM will flip out, or cling, or disengage. I feel bad for her. Even though at school, and I was getting pushed aside at the meetings, I knew what was going on in SD's classes and life. BM didn't. And SD doesn't want her to.

The counselor confirmed that SD poured her heart out to BM and that BM could not repeat back ANY OF IT. She couldn't empathize with her daughter at all. So SD doesn't want her to know about the parts of her life she thinks BM would "take credit for" or "enjoy" if she can't share her pain. So now, she may not be part of her life for a while.

Thanks Ladies for listening ... and for being there. If anyone has legal advice, please let me know. I'm wary... and very weary.

Comments

Stick's picture

Thank you Peace&Quiet.... Thanks for reading through that long-ass blog and writing back!! Smile I will look into Dr. Vaknin. Smile

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

emptyrisksagain's picture

It sounds like there is quite a bit to be done (and be dealt with), but it sounds like you guys are doing an amazing job. I just wish the best for you guys, and pray for the best possible outcome. *hugs*

Stick's picture

* Hugs * Emptyrisks!! Thanks for the support and the prayers! We need them so much right now, so thank you!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Stick's picture

Thank you Crystal! I have seen that website and am on it as well. I am hoping to get info that I can share with SD. However, those women are really strong!! Some of them have been through so much I hesitate to post! But they have been so welcoming and caring... I'm sorry to see you are going through the same thing. Hugs and best wishes to you! And thanks again!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Storm76's picture

Hi Stick,

It sounds to me like you're doing absolutely everything you can absolutely brilliantly in a difficult situation.

Your SD is very lucky to have you, and I hope your DH is supporting you fully

xxx

Stick's picture

Storm... Thank you for the kind words and the support! DH is truly fully supporting my efforts. I am very lucky in that regard. And lucky to have this place as well. I tear up when I read these responses. Thank you!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Kb3Hooah's picture

I'm not sure about the legal ramifications, but considering her age, I do believe that all of the circumstances of the situation (which I'm not fully aware of) will play a part in this. But it's great that you have the counselor and psych on board, I think that will help alot.

I hope that you guys will come out of this with the results you're looking for and have peace for your family. Smile

___________________________________________________________________________
“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”

Stick's picture

Thanks Middlemom! We are hoping that as well. That by having the counselor and psych on board, that we can avoid court. It would be not only embarrassing, but devastating, I think, for BM. Thanks for the wishes for peace. It sounds soooo nice. And soooo far away right now!! Smile But thank you! ..My new "buddy"!! Wink

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Stick's picture

DPW!! I think of you so often now when I am working on things / talking about things with my SD. The therapist, counselor and DH and I all hope that when SD is stronger she will make another attempt, as you say. It is what our hopes are.

I think you are right about SD's choice of friends. It is so sad that we seem to repeat these things, or try to work them out with others.

SD is now arguing with that particular "friend". And she has said that she can't stand to lose another person in her life right now. So she is aware .... but also knows how fragile she is.

Thank yo for writing DPW.. It means A LOT to me, to have you say that you think we are taking the right steps!!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Amazed's picture

Big hugs to you and yours stick... sounds like you're doing the right thing and only time will tell what BM will do with this situation. Keep documenting all the drama from BM and all the things she is doing to SD. Good luck honey

Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha

Stick's picture

Thanks BBB!! Big HUGS back to you too!! Smile

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

LizzieA's picture

I'm glad SD is doing so well! She sounds very smart and talented. Just a thought, you may want to talk to her more about her "friend" -- some of us who have been mistreated, tend to attract or not resist similar people. Her friend is probably a narcissist like her mom.

Stick's picture

Lizzie - thanks for taking the time to read that long ... blog!! I understand completely what you are saying about her "friend" and are talking to her. It is sad. And she does somewhat understand that she is doing it. When she got home from school today, we talked about her friend, and her friend's reactions to SD's feelings of being hurt. As we were talking, she came out and said... "X is just like Mom...." and then she just wanted to go in her room and do her homework. She knows that this girl is bad for her. But she has also acknowledged she is not ready to "lose another person" in her life at this point.

One day at a time...

Thank you again - for reading... and for taking the time to write back! I appreciate it!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

belleboudeuse's picture

Stick

I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom for you. My marriage counselor told me that he felt my ex-h had NPD. It was hell living with him, and I'm lucky to be done with it. Your SD isn't so lucky. NPD people are pretty much hopeless cases, precisely because they can't see that there's anything wrong with them. They are almost never able to get help because their mindset will never be anything other than, "It's everyone else's problem, not mine."

I think you and your DH are doing a great job. He's so lucky to have you. And it sounds like he knows it. Good for you for filling this role in SD's life so unselfishly.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

Stick's picture

Belle - You are always so strong! It is hard for me to imagine you with an ex-h with NPD! I just think you would kick him to the curb so quickly! I'm sure it was hell and I am glad also that you are done with it. Whenever we get glimpses of your back story, I cannot help but admire who you are and how much you went through to get here!

I cannot imagine living with BM the way she is. I can see how DH did it though. He is so easygoing and just wants to "please" his partner. He was very insecure and young when he was with her. He is a "man" now. And was a "boy" then.

Thanks for the kind words! I don't feel that I am being unselfish right now, as I am pushing to make sure we get some child support down the line. And I wish you knew DH. I wish we could sometimes all know each other's DH's. I am lucky to have him too! Smile

*Hugs Belle* Smile

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

belleboudeuse's picture

Awwww, that's so sweet!

Thanks, Stick! Well, of course, all you see on here is me now, not how I got here. Remember, I'm in my early 40s -- plenty of time to make mistakes and learn from them. Frankly, I should send my ex-H a fruit basket, because it's putting up with his BS that made me strong enough to say, I will never ever ever put up with crap from a man again!

Yes, it was awful -- AWFUL -- being married to a guy with NPD. Because they really do think that they are right, and if you don't agree with them, then there's something morally wrong with YOU. And the stuff he did was so heinous, and so nuts, so you try to reason with them, and it's like being in the bizarro world when they talk. You can't understand how they can even think what they think! (Like your BM and the stuff she says about how SD should just get over it because she's too sensitive). My DH would say such hateful things that it would make me cry, and then he'd smirk at me like I was SOOOOOO weak for being upset. After all, when we love someone, we crave being understood by them -- and having to deal with an NPD person you love makes you feel so weak, because you want to open up to them, but you know how bad it will hurt if you do.

I feel terrible for your SD, because she can't divorce her mom. I was lucky that I was able to divorce DH -- but it took a lot of time for me to admit that yes, that was the way he was, and somehow I had created this image of who I had married that was completely false.

ANYway.... Ramble, ramble. My guess is that your DH appreciates you all the more because he has been married to someone like BM. I know I do my DH. He's so emotionally open and kind, I feel like I could never for a second forget how lucky I am. I bet your DH feels the same way.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)