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My husband admitted he is a guilty daddy!

Stick's picture

Yes, ladies, there is hope out there. Recently, I have been talking to my DH about Christmas and Christmas gifts for SD.

I was pretty put out and annoyed because SD just had her confirmation and BM's family just went wayyyy overboard!! (At least, in my opinion they did.)

DH and I got SD a nice Willow Tree statue (Sisters of the Heart) and a book about the Saint's name that she chose, and a prayer card. We got SD's sponsor (her cousin from her mom's side) the same Sisters of the Heart statue.

DH's family got SD a Bible, and a nice Onyx looking Cross, etc.

BM's family went SWAROVSKI. BM's mom got SD a bracelet and a charm. Both Aunts got Swarovski charms. Her sponsor got her a charm. Her mom got her a Swarovski necklace and a beautiful box from Things Remembered.

To be honest, each charm cost about what DH and I got for SD - $50. So it's not that they completely all overspent. It's more to me, what Swarovski means. It's the message, I guess. It also seriously irritates me that SD has such beautiful jewelry at 16 years old. I think it's excessive. I had to wait and work for a very long time for any jewelry that I truly love and appreciate.

DH didn't see the issue. He thought the money was the same, so why does it bother me? He also said he doesn't see the need for ten pairs of shoes in the girl's closet. And I was like, well, her shoes are CHEAP.. she wears them every day, and wears them until they run out. I'd venture to say that almost all of her pairs of shoes add up to the charm bracelet and necklace!!

So we've been having some disagreements on how to much to spend on SD and the fact that I am concerned that she gets too much too soon and takes it for granted. It's pretty, yes. She loves it, yes. BUT that doesn't make it appropriate as a gift. At least in my eyes.

I write this, knowing that for SD's birthday, DH went and got her a pair of Swarovski rainbow earrings.

So here I have a 16 year old kid draped in Swarovski and I'm angry and somewhat bitter about it. I don't think it's fair, or warranted or DESERVED at that age. Even though she's a decent kid.

For Christmas he looked at a $150 Hello Kitty necklace. And I was like No... its too much. We can do this without spending that kind of money. I'll spend it on a really cute coat that she can wear for the winter!! But not on a necklace.

Anyway, through all of this, I did get my DH to admit that he is a guilty daddy and that I do help him to realize it. We balance each other out. I just hate being the one that's always seeming to take the hard line and say, "C'mon... Is this necessary for this occasion?"

He knows he is. He understands. But he still can't help it. The one thing we have going for us though is that he'll listen. And if I truly object, he'll say OK... we don't need to get that.

So I guess I'm venting because I end up being the tough one... and it disturbs me to see a kid get what took me years of working to get.

At least my husband listens to me though.

OY VEY

Comments

Stick's picture

I have to add that while the charms were all $50... the necklace from BM was at least over $100... and she also bought her the box. And she's been crying about no money!! While she did this and gave us a check for $1500 recently because we told her that based on what we found, we should consider seeing an attorney about fraud in the DA. She also is getting work done at her house. It makes me a little nervous.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

lonelyone's picture

Ohmigod, Stick, I have to tell you my story: (See 12/01 Aged Stepmom Needs Support) Basically 20 yrs ago we moved to Florida for DH's career, while his daughters (now ages 31 & 38 with families of their own) remained in the same tiny town in Northern Wisconsin. That year we bought $300 ea. presents of clothes, jewelry, etc. It cost about $35 to ship UPS from Florida on top of that. Then DH decided that wasn't enough, so he stuffed $25 cash in each card to mail to them. I was in charge of mailing them, and when it came down to it, I couldn't do it. I made the rash decision that they had ENOUGH. He is a GUILTY DADDY EXEC, a cliche, as someone said to me, and I had my own son to look after and it just wasn't fair. My mistake was I didn't burn the cards, but was in a hurry and stuffed them in my sock drawer. DH found them and was mad/hurt but never said anything -- UNTIL NOW. He is threatening me with divorce in his mid-life crisis and a lot of his turmoil is over being a guilty daddy. His daughters were conniving, scheming, vindictive little girls, and that's carried over into adulthood. Ten yrs ago they disowned him and were legally adopted by their stepdad . . . gees! Now my DH is REALLY GUILTY and is trying to reconnect, but they STILL want nothing to do with him -- he BLAMES ME. He is telling his family and our friends that I withheld Xmas presents! That IS NOT TRUE. I finally got sick of it when one of my dear friends heard gossip about our problems and she said that my DH had told her husband about the Xmas presents -- I was angry about having to explain myself to my dear friend and the next morning I confronted DH -- I told him to get the story straight, and I clarified what had actually happened. I told him to keep his problems with me to himself . . . he blew sky high and threatened to file. I don't care any more but asked him to wait until spring when the house may sell faster. This is ridiculous. Moral of my story to you is: Don't worry about what "they did" and what "they spent", try to work out a cost of gifts between the two of you and try to stick to it. I wish I could go back and burn those cards!! But I did what I had to do because DH didn't want to discuss it and those ungrateful girls always got MORE than they deserved because he could never tell them or their mother NO!!!! But yet, me and my son had to to with less . . . now they don't have anything to do with him and it was all for nothing. Hopefully he will come out of his mid-life funk and we'll move forward -- but the past can come back to bite you . . . p.s. I also LOVE those crystals!!!

Stick's picture

This is what I am afraid of LonelyOne. I know that he gets it... but I am afraid that it still causes a rift... or some resentment between him and I. For example, he keeps telling me that at Christmas he is going to spoil me! While I truly appreciate that he is being so thoughtful, that's not really what I need. I am afraid that he will just hear me being tough and it will get to him. I know it does sometimes already. And it's compounded by the fact that he is now traveling a ton for work, so I know he feels as though he is not here enough.

It's funny - he's not here, but he is more a part of her life than many parents that see their kids every day. He talks to her every night and they get to have a real conversation, whether it's 5 minutes or a 1/2 hour.

I don't think that SD is that bad. She adores her father and understands when I say no to something. So I think we are okay. But it is definitely a fear in the back of my mind. Sad
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

lonelyone's picture

My heart goes out to you, Stick. I know what you mean about not needing to be "spoiled" at Xmas. My DH traveled all the time, never did call his daughters like your wonderful man does, and now that he has time to call or connect, they have truly moved along. I think because my DH was gone so much he let me have "control", I wrote the CS checks, paid their medical bills, talked to the ex-wife about medical insurance, etc. But now he doesn't see all the GOOD things I did, he resents me for a couple wrong moves I made and I truly have apologized for those. But it sounds like you have a wonderful situation to build upon so I am so happy for you at this point. Xmas's come and go, it's the future of all the days together that really matter in the later years. My heart is with you!@

lonelyone's picture

Crystal, when DH feels GUILT money is NO object . . . they are always trying to buy the kids' love and prove they love them. Unfortunately for my DH and probably my marriage, it's a little late@! Kids are spoiled once and then there is no turning back.

Selkie's picture

I so hear you on the gift thing, Stick. Last year, FH bought SD16 a diamond necklace for her 16th birthday. He was so happy and proud to be able to give her something special. It wasn't too extravagant; we spent about $150 on it, but that was money we really didn't have to spend so it was a very big deal for us.

She kind of sneered when she opened it. Then later, complained to DD14 that "the diamonds are so SMALL". I nearly popped a blood vessel.

I guess, for me, it depends on how graciously the gifts are received. If she is truly appreciative, then it's a nice, feel-good thing to be able to provide these luxuries... within reason. The worry and upset would start if she's a spoiled brat about it.

I'm so glad your DH listens to you. It must be a guy thing, to want to lavish gifts on the women in their lives as a show of how much they love them.

This year, SD16 (almost 17) will be receiving her court-ordered trip to Europe for both her birthday and Christmas. I'm glad I won't be there to watch her open it.

Stick's picture

Selkie - You hit that right on the head girl!! DH looks at these things as "keepsakes". Things that SD will be able to cherish and give to her daughters. So far, she is very entranced by the sparkly things. I just don't want it to become the norm. We both want it to stay special.

I'm sorry your SD was so ungrateful. I would have blown a gasket!! Smile

And girl... my thoughts and prayers are always with you. Even if I don't write... I do think of you often and pray for you. Love ya!! Smile

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

lonelyone's picture

What makes Skids so ungrateful, or to feel they don't need to say "thank you". I now realize that my DH never says thank-you either . . . nor did his ex . . . hmmmmmm . . . I see a pattern with "these people". I'm talking myself into my own divorce!!! Thanks to all of you! I needed to feel more confident and you did that for me. Best of luck to you all!

BMJen's picture

Oh MY LORD!!!!!!!!!

STICK IS FUSSING!!! LOL!!

Dude, you are human afterall! Wink

But I totally agree with you, it's to much.

Shaman29's picture

DH and I just started talking Christmas too. What a difference 4 months can make. In August he was all about just getting her a card. In September he said maybe a gift card. Now he he wants to actually shop for her.

I told him my only request is that you come up with a budget for her and stick to it. Last year you went over-board with some last minute guilt purchases that really, really pissed me off!

“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine

LValleyGirl28's picture

I gotta get in on this too...

In the spring of 2008, about three months before we got married, DH and I were in the jewelry store looking at wedding rings. On our way out, DH leans over a case of necklaces and says that he wants to get SD a diamond necklace for Christmas that year.

I stop him and say something to the tune of "She's 5, honey. She's not at an age where she can understand how special a piece of jewelry can be, especially a diamond. Maybe wait until she's 15. And even then, a husband should buy his wife diamonds and his children their birthstones."

I think he actually got it. We bought her a sterling silver necklace with a little heart on it that Christmas for like $35. Guess where that is now... Put it this way. It's missing in action. Neither of us has seen it since that Christmas....