Mally - I can definitely relate to what your wrote about your BM.

BM has used all of the same sorts of guilt trips, manipulation tactics, pressure, "victim" status to SD over here as you described. From the whole "Do you really want to live with them instead of me??!!" argument down to comparing gifts that we give SD, etc.

The big issue now for BM that I can see is that SD is very much like, and very close to, her father. And that really hurts BM a lot. She cannot accept that while SD might have the best of the both of their looks, personality-wise she is more like her dad.

I asked SD's counselor, "Don't you think BM would get it? After losing her husband (she freely tells everyone DH "left her"... and then losing her next important boyfriend (who was just like DH), and then losing her daughter to living with us... Don't you think BM would get that she's a big part of the problem - with everyone leaving her??"

Counselor then let me know that she feels BM is in "a lot of pain". When I asked pain from what? From the divorce? The Counselor didn't get into it with me too much, just said that BM is acting on her pain in her life with her daughter and their relationship. She's bringing her personal pain into hers and her daughter's relationship. ?

I asked Hubby about it, and he feels that it's more along the lines that BM was spoiled her entire life. She was the youngest and always given whatever she wanted so she just feels that everyone else, including her (ex)husband, any new boyfriends, and daughter should just give her whatever she wants, be whatever she wants.

I seem to read a lot about BM's that abandon their children and choose not to be in their life.

I have the opposite problem to some extent. BM wants her daughter in her life, but whenever she gets her, she says or does something that makes the child feel angry, sad, inferior, alone, whatever. It's a lifetime of BM trying to manipulate daughter into being the daughter she wants, not the daughter she is! And now it's come down to daughter not wanting to be around her.

Does anyone have a biological parent in their relationships / life that act like they want to make the effort, and sometimes do change... but then once they have the person back in their life, they go back to their old narcissistic, selfish ways?

I asked BM the other day about her and SD's counseling session.. "Do you think that you can walk in and just say, I'm sorry for everything, and SD will just be like 'OK mom, no problem now'" And BM said YES. That's exactly what she thinks. She thinks that she is a good mom, and since she says she's sorry, that should be enough.

We all know that actions speak louder than words. And that sometimes the things we don't like about people is not learned behavior... it's a part of who they are!!

I don't know that BM can change, let alone will change. I know that part of SD's counseling is the acceptance and realization of that fact.

Anyway, does anyone out there have a Biological parent that cannot seem to relate to their own children, almost to the point of emotional abuse? They think they are doing everything right, but in fact are doing everything wrong, and the kid understands it?? And the parent feels like the "victim"?