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StepUltimate Update: SS18 Out 3 Weeks Ago

StepUltimate's picture

So I never posted an update to DH kicking SS18.5 out; partly because I’ve been slammed at work (massive overtime), exhausted emotionally AND due to waking up with hot-flashes at 4:00am then not being able to go back to sleep… burnt out. But I have a brief window of time alone and need to write this out.

Thanks for all your encouragement the past few months. So after DH blew up (Eff you! Get out! It’s divorce! Etc.), but kept his word and kicked SS18 out, he was ghosting me for several days. Even after he apologized; it was like he was so depressed he couldn’t talk or eat. But a few days later I confronted him, asking him how he can punish ME for SS18’s total failure to do what was needed (get a drivers license, auto insurance, and enroll in local CC before the semester began in August) when DH had spent YEARS being on the same page with me & presenting a united front with a consistent message. DH tried to appeal to my sympathy by saying “SS needs more time!” (sympathy is how they got me here in the 1st place, and I’m gonna be much more sympathetic to a 12 year old boy than an 18.5 teenager who has disrespected me, my marriage, and my house for YEARS until he got himself kicked out) but as I posted, I stayed STRONG and held the ground we’d agreed to as an equal team years before. I told him I not only disagreed, but that we did SS a MAJOR disservice in letting him skate all Summer without handling biz. DH allowed SS to force him (DH) to kick him (SS) out. I took ZERO responsibility for it and told DH I did not marry SS and will not support a grown man who not only won’t contribute to the upkeep of the house, but won’t even brush or floss his own teeth, keep up with his laundry,

So things are calm with me & DH for now. He apologized to me and admitted his fears and pain from losing SS when he was 3, during the original divorce (which involved DH catching BM cheating with a co-worker, BM & her f*ck-buddy co-worker lying to police and saying DS assaulted her, DH being arrested and held over the weekend, and having to take a year of court-mandated Anger Management classes… based on LIES!) and I told him I think he has a bit of PTSD from that because SS is now 18 and not a defenseless child. In the heart of a guilty daddee, maybe an 18-year old is still a defenseless child. But not to me; the kid is an inch taller than me and his BM is super-short – no way she could “hurt” him physically and when her verbal/emotional/psychological abuse starts, he can bail. So I didn’t concede anything and held my ground that SS needs to experience consequences because he refuses to respect the opportunity we provided. I didn’t say the part about how my DH refused to do the hard work of kicking SS’s ass into gear years ago; if he had, he wouldn’t have had to kick SS out. But SS successfully had us triangulated, and I never figured it out until finding StepTalk. By then it was too late for their wagon-wheel ruts, but I was willing to learn and change. I consider my disengagement successful as of this summer, although I’d been working on it for a year.

Since kicking SS out, DH has made a MASSIVE effort to get SS to the DMV to sign up for the written drivers test and take him practice-driving a couple times a week (went from zero until late Summer, then not even once a week right before SS got kicked out; SS rarely kept his commitments to DH). Even getting the DMV test appointment took them several weeks and multiple visits (long lines, needed ORIG birth cert, etc.). Now this morning, DH left to take SS to get a haircut (we have a family wedding to attend next month and even though I’m disengaged and not buying him anything, I’ve been encouraging DH to get himself & SS haircuts and something nice to wear because everything I bought SS for events like that is now too small, and this is really more for the family member getting married and their wedding photos, not for SS or myself).

DH has been sharing some of what he talks to SS about, and I know it makes DH feel better but looking at SS18 phone logs (he’s on the family account for now but late AGAIN in paying us his share of the phone bill… I have to stay disengaged on this for the bigger picture). With separate accounts, I will continue paying SS’s from our family bill-paying account, in January 2019 if he’s not driving/insured/enrolled in CC, I will drop him and he can go get his own account. DH and I had PLANNED on SS getting his own phone account back in May, but SS didn’t even bother to get a JOB until early May so DH told me, “he’s not ready.” Way to enable, DH. But instead, I told DH that SS needs to contribute $20/month to the phone bill, and if he pays after thet 5th, it goes up to $25, and if it’s after the 15th, he’s gonna loose service (…. And today is the 15th so maybe he’ll need a wake-up call… not gonna give him or DH any reason to blame me for anything so he’s got until tomorrow; DH keeps telling me he needs to remind SS and I stay quiet because I know SS knows EXACTLY what he’s avoiding, which just also confirms he’s not changed a thing).

SS has not cleaned or packed anything from his old room though. I think that’s partly because of his lazy M.O. but fear it’s also partly because he may be getting a different message from DH about coming back here to live. I’m not worried about it, but I did remove something from SS’s room this morning (last week while putting clean sheets on the bed & moving all the dirty laundry to one pile, I found two lighters, one empty weed baggie, and one empty weed jar;threw’em all out; left the sex-toys & lube his BM got him where they are though ‘cuz I didn’t want to touch’em or be asked where they went!) and when he or DH ask about it, I am going to say it will become available again once the room is cleaned out. I know I shouldn’t have done that last part but I’d removed the same thing the week before and I got PISSED! I am sick of waiting for that room to be clean (and have no time to do it myself, plus I get angry when I go in there!) and last night even told DH that if’ it’s not clean by next weekend, we’re paying someone to clean/pack it. DH didn’t seem to like hearing that but didn’t say anything. I think they BOTH need to see that room looking like a nice, clean, inviting, good-smelling room (like it WAS before I invited SS to move in and DH got custody).

However, I don’t think it has occurred to SS that his passive-aggressive leaving his nasty room for assumedly ME to clean was his way to punish me for not allowing him to live here and party without going to school or even doing the basic, bare-ass MINIMUM. Maybe it has. Either way, if I pay a family member to come clean it up I think SS will be embarrassed THAT PERSON had to see his hovel. How ungrateful he is for all the nice things we got him by letting the dust pile up; leaving all the tags from the clothes I bought him and empty new shoe boxes on the floor ,all his laundry dryer-sheets on the floor, empty water bottles, etc. Not doing his laundry or changing his sheets in MONTHS. It’s gross - the bed has clean sheets now but you wouldn’t want to sleep in there because everything else is gross.

That’s my update. Not complete, but have limited time and a lot on my agenda. Main point is that I’m hanging in there, staying strong, and really EXTRA grateful for this community. So thank you everyone, once again.

Comments

Harry's picture

But still living at home ?  When is he out, no key, can not get back in, with out invite??

StepUltimate's picture

DH picked SS up today for the haircut, and also for the recent DMV trips. SS has been gone 3 weeks, living @ BM's with her & her current victim I mean husband. DH has been spending much more time & energy with SS since then. Status quo has CHANGED!

tog redux's picture

Congrats on standing your ground. I'm very grateful that my DH is likely to be the first person in our home to put his foot up SS's ass, so it doesn't have to be me.

Seems to me he needs to stop trying to force SS to do anything like get his license and just sit back and pop some popcorn. If SS wants to get his license and go to college, he'll ask DH to help make it happen.

StepUltimate's picture

I think DH will continue for a while. UPDATE is SS is now telling DH his two best friends (also full-time stoners who just graduated H.S.) are suddenly findinding themselves in the same, Kicked-Out for the Same Reasons this week... and that SS had been getting sick of hanging out with them because all they did was sit around stoned playing xbox/playstation & being negative about everything. 

Hmmm... that's either some new-found maturity, or another convincing load of happy horseshit so my DH hears exactly what he wants to, while SS continues on as-is. The latter is most likely given past behavior.

Actions speak louder than words, so we'll see.

I did get to see SS today for the 1st time since DH kicked him out. Totally pleasant, actually, now that I'm detached. We hugged several times and SS sorted that huge pile of dirty laundry, taking most of it to BM's. We went to bring him back & DH offered to get SS a sandwich. Me & SS stayed in the car while DH went in - so I gave SS some updates on things in my life and we were cool. I am disengaged, so it was all surface-stuff, and of course I am no longer stupid enough to ask questions. Plus, an insanely-expensive new Lamborgini (sp?) drove by us and SS was stoked (I turned down the A/C fan & rolled the windows down so we could hear the engine). It was nice. 

 

hereiam's picture

How have things been between you and DH? Better?

He can be disappointed in his son, he can be disappointed in himself, but he cannot blame you for making him keep his promise to you. They both had their chances for a different outcome.

StepUltimate's picture

Thank you for asking. DH definitely has SS on his mind a lot since kicking him out. DH and I have been enjoying our time together and I let him be the one to bring SS up. I'll listen but do not ask about SS. Today I told DH it sounds like God is helping SS see his situ as-is now that his two hest buddies are in the same boat. I couldn't have asked for better timing on that!

So it's better. DH knows he went waaaay too far - when I confronted him on the verbal attack followed by ghosting, he admitted he'd been wrong, and told me "I'm okay, I know SS is okay, and WE will be okay, if you can forgive me." 

Iamwoman's picture

Congrats stepultimate!

It seems to me that’s DH’s blaming you was a last ditch effort if his part to force you back into your old role... common when SM disengages.

You are definitely a role model here for standing your ground through some hard times.

I wonder how long SS has been smoking pot? Any younger than 16, and he is looking at permanent brain changes (life long lethargy and bad decision making skills).

 

StepUltimate's picture

... at least 12, because that's when we connected and he expressed total revulsion from an experience where his older 1/2 brother (BM's 1st) made him try it and he hated it and would never do it again. He was raised by a narcissist grifter BM and learned to accurately read me and deliver an academy award-winning Innocent Little Boy performance. Once DH got custody, SS13 started 8th grade, and made some friends, I busted him in our back yard passing a joint (with an older kid we live near who I later found out was a dealer) through the fence after we'd all gone to bed. That was just the 1st time I busted him. So he's a gifted and magnificent liar, and a committed stoner.

But also, his BM is one of the laziest, house-smells-strongly-of-cat-pee, NASty, unclean slob. Like with 4 dogs but only cleans their messes in the yard..... (wait for it) once a month. Rather than get a job, work, and pay her bills, BM would rather s*ck a d*ck as barter for the rent money she doesn't have. THAT lazy. So a lot of it is nurture. 

theoldredhen's picture

StepUltimate, I have nothing but admiration for your unwavering strength and determination during the fracas with SS. You knew what was right and stood by it! Clapping Well done, Hon.