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Newsflash: DH Must Have Sportscar

StepUltimate's picture

... except I won't "let" him, even though he's willing to go into $100k debt for anything I want!

Yes folks, that is the arguement. I am ashamed I haven't already separated accounts because DH is obsessed with this sports car and watching numerous YouTube vids about it. It starts at like $55k and DH wants to trade in our almost paid off vehicle and finance the rest. Because, "we can afford it" BUT, if I want to separate accounts, then he CAN'T afford it.

I'm like, do you effing hear yourself? I told him he should get his 2 BFF's to talk some sense into me so I'll see the light about going into debt for a luxury sportscar we can't afford. That won't happen because he'd 1) embarrass himself as he owes one of those friends $5k from before we met, to 2) both those guys have sense in their heads. 

I love DH but wonder if he is seriously in denial about being in his mid-50's with zero retirement & minimal savings. We did FPU late last year but everything seems faded compared to DH's lust for the sports car. 

Told DH I can't afford his resentments, and they're building up against me. I love my DH and have been managing the money as best I can. I believe you pay bills and debts 1st, stay away from any new debt, pay with cash/ATM or you can't afford it, etc. I'm the Nerd and DH is the Free Spirit, according to FPU. 

This nerd is sad, very sad, that her much-loved DH is being a mantrum-throwing jerk. He'a also pissed right now because I asked him if I should put my wallet in our bed, and go sleep in the guest room? Was that bad?!

Comments

--figureditout--'s picture

It wouldn't be the Dodge Demon, would it?  I have insider information on that particular vehicle.

My DH did this with a piece of crap Camaro.  I say piece of crap because it needed too much work.  He traded a decent cruiser motorcycle for it.  Guys came over from Louisiana wearing their biker gang colors that I immediately recognized.  A pistol was slid into my waistband and a second into my jacket pocket that was given to DH.  They 'forgot' that they removed the carb and intake (Edelbrock about $450).  They handed DH an unloaded shotgun.  I took the gun inside to run the serial numbers.  There were no numbers but some fresh file marks where they used to be.  DH gave them an ultimatum that they needed to either send him the parts or cash or he would be turnng them in.  I may or may not have accidentally shown them the fact that I was packing.  They sent a money order 2 days later.  Camaro sat in my driveway for 6 months then went to the junkyard.

StepUltimate's picture

Nope, but reading your story, I SALUTE YOU!!!

I'm in commiefornia so my "heat" has to stay in the safe so my 2A rights don't get moonbeamed to outerspace...

Way to handle your business with those slimeballs, -Figureditout-! I would like to apply to join your fanclub!

StepUltimate's picture

OMG I just lost the detailed paragraphs I typed (Doh!) but in a nutshell: DH received a brand new version of this sportscar as a wedding gift from wealthy in-laws for his 1st marriage. I helped him pay for a 2-year old, certified pre-owned convertible version of the same car a few years ago. In late 2017, some random texting-while-driving-a-HUGE-truck chick totalled the convertible just weeks after we'd purchased new tires all around & had the 60k mile tune-up. So we paid over $20k in 2 years, plus tires & 60k tune-up plus premium gas & insurance 4x higher than we paid for the same make, same year SUV. So a LOT of money, gone. We have nothing to show for all that money & effort. 

That, my friends, is the backstory. My DH is obsessed with having his 3rd of this specific type of car, but his 3rd wife just wants him to be happy with what we already have: two ALMOST paid-off vehicles (and NO OTHER DEBT!) 

futurobrillante99's picture

I would ask him if he'd prefer to be single because what he wants come AFTER what you NEED and your marital wants and needs. Tell him if he wants to go get a second job to finance this car, have at it!!

I really don't understand how he can justify an extravagant luxury for himself off your income.

Kes's picture

Separate accounts, because I see no reason why you should help finance his grossly expensive folly.  My DH is also 54 and although he has a very good pension ahead of him, would not dream of frittering this kind of money away on a car.  Just the depreciation alone is really eye watering.    No savings and no pension?  No brainer.  

StepUltimate's picture

You are so right & your DH so sane. Money is tough, but yes, I need to separate it for my own sanity, and so DH can learn to handle his own financial b.s.

futurobrillante99's picture

Please do this, but prepare for him to have a colossal man hissy fit and accuse you of not acting married. Funny thing is he will never admit that his selfish folly isn't acting married either.

StepUltimate's picture

You sure got that right (no surprise!). It's already begun and continues, even though it just prooves my point & reinforces my vibe to self-protect & split accounts.

Aniki's picture

Dang, woman, separate your accounts ASAP.

I cannot believe your DH owes his friend, but wants to go deeper into debt that he cannot afford. Gaaaaaah!!!

Question for your DH... What would happen if YOUR money was no longer available? Nothing in life is set in stone. A tornado could swoop down out of the sky, sweep away your work building, and you'd be out of a job. You could be abducted by aliens. He is counting on YOUR salary to help him finance HIS toy, but YOUR salary is not HIS option.

beebeel's picture

Yes, separate your finances from him as he has separated from his senses. And I think your wallet comment was right on the money!

lieutenant_dad's picture

Oh, I remember these fights with my XH. It would start with him finding some new shiny that he just *had* to have. I was the budgeter, and we were either poor college students or poor young adults (and not poor because of me; poor because XH took time off from college and worked a low-wage job that he'd give up hours at because he hated it). I'd usually say no.

Then he'd start bargaining. We could make payments! He would work all his hours! He'd get a second job!

Then he'd move to anger. He had his own money that I couldn't tell him what to do with! We bought things I wanted all the time (yeah, that $7,000 motorcycle really compares to my clearance $5 shirt)! I wasn't his mother and couldn't tell him no (but his credit wasn't good enough to finance anything alone so he needed me on board)! I was just a b*tch! He threw the expense of our wedding at me once, saying I spent all the money that we got after his mom died on it. He apparently forgot that I saved for 3 years to pay for our wedding and that he bought a motorcycle, television, and game system with that money. We used maybe $1,000 on the wedding.

Then he'd be depressed, and I'd usually cave. If I didn't, he'd badger me like a small child until I finally snapped and said yes to shut him up.

In our short marriage, we bought 2 motorcycles, a (albeit cheap) sports car, 2 large televisions, 2 expensive bicycles, a $2,400 gaming computer, and a handful of new cell phones for him (I kept a flip phone until about 3 years ago). The only things I had to show for it at the end were a maxed out credit card and the older of the two televisions. He kept the sports car, the new television, and the bikes (I gave him back mine to sell because he still owed a paltry amount on them). I lived with my parents for nearly 2 years while I paid down debt and rebuilt my savings so I could buy a house, and that rat b***ard had the audacity to cry to me about how he couldn't afford to pay for anything despite being left with literally 1/7th the debt that we had because it was the only thing in HIS name. I even had to pay our mutual friends $80 because they bought him a game and he said he'd "pay them back" but never did. The friend he lived with would even call me because he'd be behind on rent and wanted to know if I knew of any reasons why he couldn't pay rent!

You're doing the right thing by saying no. If he wants it, he can finance it. If he can't afford it, then he can get a second job. The Bank of SU is not open for business.

 

ndc's picture

Separate finances immediately!  If he is so blinded by the sparkly new sports car that he can't exercise financial sense, you need to do so for your own protection and sanity.  Is it possible to fail FPU? It doesn't sound like your husband was a star student there.

StepUltimate's picture

Is it possible to fail FPU? It doesn't sound like your husband was a star student there.

OMG that rocks! Thanks for the much-needed laugh.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Bhahaha! Your comment about the wallet! Nope! Not bad at all!

I'm sorry he's so frustrating... My DH gets stupid things in his head too that he wants... And then it's like he can't drop it.

futurobrillante99's picture

That was a good comment about the wallet. My stbX would NEVER recover from a comment like that. It would be too deep an insult to his pride.

StepUltimate's picture

Fortunately, DH knows I am right, even if he's angry about it. He apologized, but it's not resolving anything if that just means there's a resentment lurking. He will NOT discuss with his friends because he knows they'll point out the same things I do. Any man in his mid-50's with no retirement to speak of and no owned property ought to know his priorities. Sports cars are awesome (my dad proved you could be a total hippie AND a race fan; I grew up going to car races and hanging around my dad's gear-head friends at their auto shops, racetrack pits, car shows) and I certainly enjoyed our convertible, which we drove to the coast on our honeymoon in and had a lot of good times driving. I also love the ocean, but I'm not gonna go out & get a boat, right? 

hereiam's picture

Definitely separate finances.

DH and I have always had separate finances. It does not keep us from being a team but it does allow him to see what he can and cannot afford, what he does (or does not have) in savings. Luckily, he is not into sports cars or other high priced things. He did fall in love with a Camaro once, when we were car shopping for me, but he knew it was not a possibility and it's never been an issue (just a fantasy).

Like me, DH does not like to be in debt, so financing a luxury item would be out of the question.

You need to do what you need to do so that it's not possible for your husband to do this. Don't let him drag you into debt, especially when he has no retirement. What is he thinking?

 

Step-girlfriend's picture

Mid 50's and no retirement?? Yet wants to buy a sports car?? Mid life crisis anyone? Tell him to get his f'ng priorities straight!

And I thought my SO was ridiculous because this weekend he showed me a picture of an X-box and said that he's probably going to buy it. I said, Wait! We need money if we find a house we want to buy (we have to have a certain amount in savings in order to get the loan we want, plus closing costs, etc. I'm honestly not sure how much he has saved since we don't share finances- I just know what I have, but I do need him to contribute to the house costs). He flipped out on me, got all mad cause I was "telling him he couldn't buy something with his own money". FFS. I was merely wanting to explain the costs we need to buy a house, since I hadn't gone into detail with him yet. I wanted to make sure he was aware before he spent money on a flipping X-box. He then made a comment about how I was spending money on us going away for the wknd (I insisted on paying since it was my idea, but we've had this planned since Feb), and that was something that "once we go, it's done...an X-box will always be there". REALLY??? Yes, an X-box that YOU play, SO, whereas the weekend away is something we both get to enjoy. Or at least I thought we would both enjoy it. Apparently it was just me wanting to go. GRR.

The moral of the story, I would kill my SO if he pulled the crap your DH is, if we shared finances.

futurobrillante99's picture

So much childishness. I really have no faith in men acting like adults. Someone out there please tell me there are some men who aren't selfish, whiny toddlers wearing man suits!!

One good thing I can say about my first husband is he was a frugal man. I hated that about him because he was so cheap, but he wasn't frivolous or self indulgent. He still has the emotional maturity of a 6 year old, but not when it came to money.

My stbX has less than 1/3 of what I have put away in my retirement accounts. I don't think he worried about it too much because I'm sure he lives for today (like the grasshopper) because he was married to me (the ant). Problem is I will have enough money put away for ME to retire on. If I retire with anyone by my side, I would expect them to be responsible enough to have planned for their own retirement so we are on somewhat equal footing. I'm not a sugar momma, and if I was, you'd have to be pretty young, HOT, energetic, and totally devoted to me to justify me paying your way.

stbX isn't good at saving. He's impulsive and has taken money from his retirement accounts twice that I know of. I wouldn't be surprised if part of the reason he's divorcing me is so that he can take money from retirement again without needing my permission. Foolish.

This whole thread is just another reminder I am financially more secure being a single woman.

Step-girlfriend's picture

So true. It really is just example after example of men being selfish and irresponsible. It's like they live in their own little worlds.

StepUltimate's picture

Glad to be able to reconfirm your correct decisions and actions - I'm always trying to BrightSide it so it's nice to know that my ST venting helps more than just me! 

I really appreciate you, and value your insights and feedback. Even during a painful divorce, you remain a woman with integrity. I know I'm in good company and most here will agree with me. 

I am so appreciating all of you again this morning! Grateful!!

thinkthrice's picture

tell me he wants to buy this sportscar to show off in front of good for nothing SS (his mini-spouse)

 

StepUltimate's picture

Scaring me how right you both are... Ugh!

futurobrillante99's picture

I have a cool little sports car - nothing terribly exotic, but zippy, fast and fun.

stbX couldn't wait to impress SS then 16 with it by taking him out to learn manual transmission on my car. We were only dating at the time, but it became apparent to me that anything cool or useful I brought to the relationship was quickly shown off to or used for the benefit of the skids.

One example: When I sold my house late last year, we moved my very nice gas grill down to our house. During the move, one of the knobs and the metal post it was connected to broke/bent. It wasn't safe to use the grill. stbX ordered the replacement parts - he was itching to get it working.............so we could have a cookout.

Nope. I didn't want it working so that the skids could help themselves leaving it dirty or possibly breaking something because they don't respect other people's stuff. The grill wasn't repaired until I moved into my new house and it looks specatular on my new deck. I also plan to use it throughout the year - even in winter.

So yeah, I saw a lot of the need for stbX to impress his sons with things, including my things.

Letti.R's picture

MUST?
He MUST have a kick in the pants!
Your DH is being incredibly irresponsible.
It is clear who has the brains in this marriage...

Harry's picture

And a jet plane,   But I can’t afford them.   This is a problem that is not going away.  This is how DH is wired. Not only should you separate your money.  But you have to control his. He gets an allowance, each week and can do with that what he wants.  I see and here, many people at retirement age, or really to old to work, losing there homes. Trying to make it on social security only.  Moving in with there kids, going into public housing.  Because they did not plan for there retirement.  Don’t get be one of those people 

StepUltimate's picture

Right? I'm imagining the automaker website tracking DH's time on their website, and I'll know they're moving in for the kill when they order & park DH's Every Desire Package on their lot... 

You are so correct Harry. Thank you very much. I don't have bio's and would love to be able to not only retire and support ourselves to the end, but to be able to leave the kids something. I never usually mention DH's 1st wife & adult skids from that marriage on this site because 1st wife is a sane, pleasant lady (cannot in any way describe BM, 2nd wife, as a lady, just a narcissistic rager yucky gross sea-hag from hell) and their two adult skids (who I did not parent) are amazing wonderful people. They never had hostilities, never went to court, so those skids are well-functioning, non-manipulative, all-around great people I love and appreciate very much. They love my SS18 very much & encourage him to go in the right direction. But you are correct sbout my DH not being likely to change. 

StepUltimate's picture

Update: DH came home from work, apologized, said he'd "get over it" so I told him that harboring resentment is not being "over it" and I don't deserve his resentment. Pretty much everything ya'll said above - YES the sports car we had was DH's fabulous pick-up & drop-off ride that impressed the hell out of SS & his friends, and showcased his success over BM's parasitic lifestyle. I thought the LAST sportscar was the midlife crisis (me being his ultimate hot blonde), but it was merely a hint if things to come.

I'm dyslexic and intimidated by numbers - a weakness I counter with clarity and simplicity. I've been anxious about separating accounts the past several months because it feels like a pre-divorce move, and my heart breaks. But I am going to create my new checking account today and develop a "Regular Monthly Expenses" number to give DH so he can create his own new checking account & auto-transfer that amount to our existing joint account, where I will continue to pay bills from. That way, DH can manage EVERY DOLLAR he earns and hopefully gain clarity about his true financial situation. Because currently, he just thinks "We make $XXX,XXX per year so we can afford to finance a sports car," without factoring in how much of that money our regular expenses use, or the fact that we are almost done paying off two vehicles (SUV & econo car) that are both less than 5 years old and well under 100k miles. In my mind, we pay those off, continue putting the same monthly amount into an ER car maintenance fund for 3-4 months, then switch to putting the same amount to a new, "Down Payment On A House" fund. I'm mid-40's & DH mid-50's, home & retirement savings are my priority. DH last night (while still mad) told me, "We'll NEVER buy a house then, if [StepUltimate] is 100% unwilling to be in debt." That was ridiculous, but his only follow-up to my stating that having a place to live is more important than having a sports car we'd have to finance. 

We were in the middle of the six-week FPU class last year when the convertible got crunched (low-speed, no injuries thank God). That was after the session where Dave Ramsey explained that if you have debt and more than 2 years (maybe it was 2.5 years) left on car payments, it's more car thsn you can afford so get rid of it. I knew DH would never go for that, and planned accordingly. Then, right before Christmas, DH was driving in a residential and got hit. So it was A Big Fat Message From God that Hey! Now you're free of this debt! We proceeded to pay off allll our outstanding debt minus the car payments, and implemented a snowball payoff plan that we'll complete in 2019. At that point, DH wanted to immediately get another sports car, but I convinced him we could snowball-save to buy one outright for a couple if years THEN purchase (and if another texting dingbat crunches that, have our insurance REPLACE instead of declare a Total Loss like we just experienced. Thankfully we had gap insurance). He was on-board with that plan, but over the year became obsessed with the new, highest-end version that car-loving YouTube reviewers drool about. I seriously think it was DH's escape from the SS situation. He was ignoring SS's bad grades, hideous attendance, constant procrastination on anything like driving, signing up for college, cleaning his room, coming home on time (or at all!), etc. I think DH was hoping SS would magically change his M.O. and get his *ss in gear when we could all see that wasn't happening. So I am not excusing it, just trying to understand how DH justifies this. 

Also, neither of DH's two best friends has divorced; both are very sane with money and put their families 1st, hobbies 2nd. I love and trust both these guys (we met at his best friends wedding) That's why I challenged DH to give THEM an opportunity to tell me how wrong I'm being. Because they would tell him Dude, wake the eff UP and stop doing this to yourself! I was embarrassed we got the convertible without DH paying the $5k back 1st. The loan was during the recession, which hit DH's trade like a ton of bricks here in expensive NorCal. DH went back to school & got his certifications for his current profession. I supported DH doing this when we 1st got together, and he's gone on since then and earned the next 3 certificstions. He now makes slightly more than I do and we are all so proud of him! We love this guy! I was stoked SS got to see his dad working full time AND studying, taking exam-prep courses, passing the 1st certification, and getting his DREAM job in the new profession right here in our small town. It was especially gratifying because unlike his lifetime of BM's sh*t talk & straight-up LIES about his dad, SS got to hear ME talking behind his dad's back about how awesome DH is, and how he was doing all that for our family. I think boys need to see their parents love and respect and sacrifice for eachother, and SS got a front-row seat on what that process looks like. 

So it's really a bummer that DH is stuck on stupid about this sports car dealie. He's so awesome & logical in most areas, but money & SS issues... not so much. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Do you think this could be a tit-for-tat thing?

You got the two cars you "wanted". You got SS out of the house. You are saving money to buy a house. What does he get out of the deal? Well, it should be a sports car, of course!

*rolls eyes* Been there, done that. My XH never understood that there were financial moves that I made on our behalf for us. If I made the decision, then it was MINE. That meant he earned a HIS. 

Now that I think of it, that might explain why he thought that he got a say in me deciding to leave...because he "earned" a say so we were "equal".

StepUltimate's picture

I don't think it's Tit4Tat, but DH has tried to point out we do what I want... so I point out how I'm not ever pressuring HIM to take a financial dive off the cliff. Last night he told me that if I wanted something that costs $100k he'd back me 100%, but I replied "I would never do that to us!" Not a winning arguement, even though DH wound up telling me I won, with me replying "This is not me winning, this is us losing."

It reminded me of this boyfriend I had in my 20's, whose arguement for me spending money on HIS desires was to tell me, "But everything I own is yours!" while wanting to move in with me. As if! I was young but not dumb, and knew I'd never support that b.s., and broke up with him (the Peter Pan boyfriend; fun, romantic, entertaining, and artistic... all on my dime or someone else's). A real grown up doesn't play those games, right?

ndc's picture

I find it very disturbing that your DH would consider buying a fancy new car before repaying a loan from his friend who bailed him out when times were tough.  That is not a display of good character, and I would be mortified, as it sounds like you are.  

StepUltimate's picture

Very uncomfortable situation. Especially since we could repay it easily if DH would make it a priority. Doesn't seem to flicker on his radar unless I mention it. It's always been on MY radar, especially since December when we paid off the last of our debt (aside from the car payments). In my mind, getting THAT loan repaid should be the 1st priority.

As Harry suggested above, I will likely continue manage a lot of DH's money, and if so, will be setting up a monthly item for DH to set aside toward that $5k. That's what I would like to do, but I'm not going to do it on my own.

StepUltimate's picture

.... and has been mentioning paying his credit card off. Not long after posting my last reply I realized I had to NOT try to manage DH's $$; that would be nearly identical to when we just had one shared account & I'd still be the "We Can't Afford ______" bad-guy, so... nope. Also, when I made DH get his own checking account, he was angry & wouldn't put my name on it, so he's on his own managing everything. He transfers $$ to our joint account that funds our rent & monthly utility bills only now; (no more slush-fund for stuff "we" can afford) and it's up to him to save, pay his friend the $5k loan back, save for retirement and a down-payment on a house, etc., on his own... WITHOUT arguing with me about what he can/can't afford. 

He bought me a $2,500 elliptical that arrived & DH assembled the early July 2019 weekend he picked up the Midlife Crisis Car (= guilt gift I NEVER asked for & is parked in our living room next to the couch & love-seat that need replacing); $_____ (unknown amount, likely several hundred) on custom after-market car parts including a "spoiler" for the car; a $500 window-tint job; spent over $150 on special, paint-protecting carwash potion, towels & scrub brushes; created a streaming music app family account that requires all users live at the same address (= DENIAL that SS19 isn't coming back); and probably other items I'm not remembering right now. 

DH also spent big $$ last week taking me to the inn & spa we honeymooned at & love to stay at. This ocean vacation was a commitment DH had to keep to save face subsequent to all his Mantrums about how he CAN afford the car. We stayed three nights (it was really, really nice - the NorCal coast is a life-long, very special place for me as I grew up 1/2 hour from the ocean & my fav beaches, tidepools, sand, sun, waves, rocks, shells & beach glass give me perspective) and DH paid, to prove I was wrong & he CAN afford it. Problem for him was, he'd financed $5k set of wheels & tires that didn't come with the car package he ordered, so he planned to sell the $2k wheels & tires that package DID come with (=Car Dealership put the $5k wheels/tires on & the $2k set is stored until DH sells'em) to fund the trip ($400/night room x3 nights, plus all meals, gas, etc). Apparently he just finally sold'em yesterday... for $1,200. 

I'm just re-reading my old blogs, trying to get clarity. I got a new job a few months ago & got a sweet raise, so I make more than DH by ~$600/paycheck. My personal checking account has accrued a nice little savings that I just keep letting build up - I've spent a few hundred on new work clothes & shoes, and paid a $600 vet bill for my cat from my own account, but mainly have everything I need so it just sits there, building up. Sad that it's my "Plan B" money but if DH ever tells me "Divorce" again (= like he has 4x since 8.25.19 if you've read my blogs from this past year), some of it will go to my attorney, because I am done being treated like that.

Of COURSE DH has been love-bombing me, BIG-TIME. 

SteppedOut's picture

Congrats on the new job! And the extra cush it is giving your account and means to leave his @ss, should he mention divorce...again. I am also happy to hear you are recognizing the love-bombing. 

Funny how they use divorce/break up as a way to "keep you in line". Just know, when/if you DO take him up on it, he WILL back peddle faster than flies on $hit! You know...he didn't mean it.... lol. Just trying to manipulate you...like that is better.

Ps. Hope your kitty is ok! 

StepUltimate's picture

The vet was a few months ago & cat is fine (just getting real old!). 

I've been reading the ChumpLady blog since I found out DH ordered the car (= March, arrived early July), since it's financial infidelity to commit $50k on a car while renting & no homeownership. There's no other woman but the car is a girlfriend in my eyes. His hands are all over her twice a week car-washes, he bought her accessories, and put her before me in May when he told me, "F*ck you, I'm getting the car, go get a divorce!" 

That broke something in me.

I won't go thru that again and told DH & our marriage counselor that next time he wants to divorce, that's gonna happen. 

Step-girlfriend's picture

Right? I'm uncomfortable and it's not even me that is in this situation. One of the most uncomfortable situations- owing someone money for years, and then extravagantly spending while they can see what you are buying. It really is disturbing that he hasn't made this a priority. He should be ashamed of himself, he is a grown ass man.

tog redux's picture

I want to divorce your DH and I'm not even married to him. Financial stuff would be a deal breaker for me.  DH and I are mid-50s too, and I regularly freak out about possibly eating cat food in retirement, and we both are frugal and are overpaying all debts to get rid of them. And we have retirement savings.

Is it a Corvette? Middle-aged men in Corvettes is such an unattractive stereotype (to me).

StepUltimate's picture

In paranoia of including very many accurate Key Words that BM or SS could one day discover, all I'm gonna say is this classic American sports car has more than just ponies under the hood, and in the high-end versions, has a snake instead of the pony. With a multitude of special optional features and after-market enhancements possible. Read between those lines.... shhhh, if you want to guess just message me... if you MUST know. ;-D

Ispofacto's picture

"he owes one of those friends $5k from before we met"

Red flag.  Descent people are uncomfortable owing money to friends and seek to pay it off asap.