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Left Upset with DH

StepUltimate's picture

I left for work upset with DH for being upset that I asked if SS18 had paid his phone bill yet. Every time I ask (and I know I need to stop asking), DH says "I need to remind SS" and today it was, "I'll get the money fom him" like it's a job he needs to do for SS. It's due on the 1st, and what is today?

I looked in SS's old room after he came over yesterday - not only did he not do any cleaning, he didn't even fully handle the pile of dirty laundry. The drawers are full of clothes, clothes still hanging in closet, ALL stuff still where it was. And I heard DH tell SS to leave some stuff here, like he's moving back in & the room will be waiting. 

Two days ago, talking about something else, DH explained how he likes to understand all the rules so he can figure out workarounds. I immediately thought SS didn't get ALL his deviant ways from BM. Filed that thought until this morning. I told DH I resented having to watch SS live here & tell stories that DH believes in the face of evidence, and I resent SS continuing to do this even after he's been kicked out & doesn't even live here anymore. I asked DH how he could be encouraging SS that he's coming back to live with us when SS still hasn't even BEGUN to act like someone who gets to live here (= someone who pays their bills, cleans up after themselves, etc.). DH tried to say I was being harsh just for one little tiny thing SS "forgot" (phone bill) and I quickly replied with a list (Didn't clean his room yesterday after weeks of promising DH he'd come do it at the top of my list) so that got shut down. DH said something about how I'm not getting any better & SS's been gone "a month," but I advised it's been 3 weeks and SS's stuff is still not gone and he's blowing off paying his phone bill, so he's not even out yet; but he's also heing told he can move back in?! (DH assumes SS will be insured, driving, enrolled in & attending CC Spring 2019). 

I told DH he's going to need to stand there and instruct SS every step of the way to get that room clean, or it'll never get done. We'll see if he gets that done; I am burning out on DH based on him telling ME I'm not getting better. I love this man but am taking steps to protect myself from being financially vulnerable. I am seeing my DH in a different light since he blew up at me before kicking SS out. It's sad but I have to stop letting skid & DH issues hurt me. Between them & my job, I am overwhelmed right now. I worked a lot over the weekend so even though it's Monday morning, I'm already burnt out.


justmakingthebest's picture

Last week I went into BS12's room and cleaned it myself... with a few large garbage bags. All of his electronics disapeared into my closet and soooooo much was just thrown out. He came home from the weekend at his dads to find everything done and his bed stripped and bedding in the washer. He still had make his bed and wait for his comforter to dry. 

If SS18 wants to act like he is 12, I am a firm believer of treating him that way. Maybe suspend his phone line until he can pay his portion. Adults have bills, if they don't pay the thing you are paying for get's shut off- Cell phone, electricity, gas, water, etc. -- This is a good adulting lesson for him. 

Siemprematahari's picture

StepUltimate I wouldn't care if SS paid his cell phone bill or not, why worry about that? That's just an added stress you don't need and its not your problem. Also after asking him several times to clean his room and he has not done so why don't you get a couple of those big black trash bags and place all his belongings in them and keep them in the room for him to pick up. You may not want to go through that hassle but I"m sure it will motivate him to pick up those bags and show him that when you ask him to do something he needs to do it.

Should he let time lapse on picking up those bags I'd tell him they will be donated to the good will and give him a time frame. Most times you can't leave too much room or that many options. They take it for granted and take you for a joke. Trust me I've done it and it works.

tog redux's picture

I can't remember - is it you personally paying for his cell phone? Or is DH? If it's DH, let it go. If it's you, give DH a date by which he needs to have paid (every month) or you will shut down his phone. Same with the room - room needs to be cleaned out by the end of September, and if it isn't, I'm bagging up all of his stuff and putting it in the basement.  He can get it from the basement until X date, at which time it's going in the garbage.

After that, just disengage - confirm with DH that you both agreed he's not moving back unless conditions X,Y and Z have been met, and you plan to hold DH to that.  Then sit back and let him spin himself out trying to make SS do what he thinks needs to be done.


Major Blunder's picture

I'm sorry things are still rough for you, I totally understand, SD 20 will soon be out of our house and I am sure DW will backpedal a bunch for her, I'm just praying she stays strong as she is right now, but we'll see.

theoldredhen's picture

Hey, StepUltimate,

I’ve been following your blogs with interest and have tremendous admiration for the way that you’ve handled the showdown with DH and SS. In fact, my DH and I went through the same thing with my SD, 14, when her behavior towards me had become so toxic that it could no longer be endured.

Despite his determination to protect our marriage, my DH was devastated at having to abandon his 50/50 custody and send SD to her mom’s full time. He became somewhat withdrawn and depressed.

Several times a week, SD would phone DH to provide chauffeur duties and those calls almost always occurred at dinnertime. My DH would leap into action, gobble down his food and run for the door. As much as it infuriated me to have SD continuing to affect my peace of mind, I said nothing.

Hon, you’ve won the war. Don’t get caught up in minor skirmishes to the point where you’re endangering the very substantial progress that you’ve made. It’s obvious from your DH’s behavior, that he’s feeling resentful towards you, despite his admission that you’re right. Any negative remark that you now make about his son will convince him that you’re out to get the boy and that you won’t be satisfied until he’s out of your lives forever.

 Your DH is hurting, as would any parent, having to oust one of their children. Your best bet is to be as supportive and loving as possible and to ignore (temporarily, at least) both the phone bill and any other SS related problem that arises. Trust me, resentment is a marriage killer.

And by 'loving', Hon, I'm not just talking about the emotional; nod, wink..... Diablo

StepUltimate's picture

You are right, I need to stop, it was just the 1st time I'd seen SS since DH kept his word and kicked him out. One of my best friends who knows SS & the whole story immediately told me on the phone that SS won't be back... I hope she is correct! Just another round of what I call, Hurry Up and Wait.

SS was supposed to start his own phone account in May, based on the Launch Plan. He didn't bother to get a job until the tail end of April, so THAT didn't happen. My next suggestion was SS pays us $20 monthly toward his phone service then. This morning, DH didn't want me to turn SS's data off, even though he told SS phone $$ is due by the 5th if the month.

SS's room: it's a MAJOR cleaning project, and I don't want to do it! DH either needs to make SS fo it or I'm going in with bags & throwing everything I don't deem Donation-Worthy to the Goodwill. 

P.S. DH called me at work to apologise. 


hereiam's picture

Did you and your husband have an agreement that SS can move back in if he gets his DL and starts school?

StepUltimate's picture

That's what I got upset about: if DH can't even get SS to handle his room or pay his phone bill on time now, after he had to kick SS out, am I really supposed to believe SS will magically change upon moving back in? 

I would insist on a signed contract with SS if he does pull off a miracle & get going to CC in the Spring. I need to stay quiet & wait until that time to evaluate the situation. The contract would include dates snd timelines. I would require SS to outline all the classes he'd need to earn the certification, which classes he'll take each semester - INCLUDING SUMMER - and an agreement those classes are required to have B's and above, and we must be shown current grade status upon request. Same with auto insurance - I would require monthly proof the policy is paid for. Trust me, it would be an air-tight agreement that DH, me, and SS all sign.

We'll see.

I already know I don't want SS living with us again. 

SteppedOut's picture

Good Lord that all sounds so exhausting. Hugs to you ans perhaps a bottle or two of wine. I do not envy your position of "meanie enforcer".

theoldredhen's picture

Hey, StepUltimate,

Your comment: ~ I already know I don't want SS living with us again. ~ is how I suppose that all stepmothers feel about housing adult skids. I love my SS dearly yet when he lived with us for a year, after a lengthy stay abroad, I looked forward to his departure.

Even one's own children become 'house guests' once they've left the nest then later returned. When the 'guest' is a cuckoo, it's about a thousand times more stressful and annoying. Hang in there Hon, you've got this!

tog redux's picture

I'm so glad my DH has no interest in having SS18 live with us. Not that SS would want to, since he does what he pleases at his BM's and our house would have rules.  But I'm grateful that DH isn't pouting and planning how to get SS on track so he can move back in.  Why doesn't your DH want to get his son on track so he can move out on his own?  Is it a competition with BM?

Harry's picture

not with SS.  You DH allows this to happen.  It not that he doesn’t see what is going on.  It’s he protecting his DS.  When push came to shove.  And SS did nothing at all. He had to throw him out.  But he will be happy to let him back and start the whole thing over again.  Buying SS more time to do nothing.  DH loves you so much that he picked SS over you just about 

StepUltimate's picture

...this morning. Hung new curtains, emptied every drawer, threw tons of stuff away, and bagged a bunch of stuff to box up/store for SS. DH had SS come by twice this week to work on the laundry pile and "clean," but very little cleaning actually happened. I removed the hook from the ceiling so SS can't come over snd re-hang the crossbow there again. I found two more empty weed baggies, a vape pen box set with an empty cartridge, and a half-empty swisher-sweet two-pack. I removed the clothes hanging in the closet & threw away a bunch of old, worn out & too small clothes. I found a bunch of smartphone chargers and hats that SS had reported "lost" and we kept replacing (lazy stoner prefers to lie and say its Lost over keeping his own room clean and belongings accessible). I found a lot of books I remember buying for SS a few years ago. I found his expensive watch & bose bluetooth speaker we got SS as gifts.