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Holidays, Healthcare, Future

StepUltimate's picture

All these are on my mind. I've been avoiding talking to DH about anything because it all comes back to: is DH seriously going to try to have SS18 live here in January (assuming SS is driving, insured, enrolled, and attending community college by then)? It's now been two months since DH kicked SS18 out, and I really REALLY like not living with SS.

Last night DH slid a comment into a conversation and I couldn't believe it. I've been telling him that instead of just assuming we'll use my insurance, I want to review what DH's company offers this Open Enrollment period. Weeks ago I re-stated this, even though DH argued that his boss has already reviewed their options and said they suck. Last night, DH randomly mentioned we didn't even need to LOOK at his benefits summary, then went on talking like his proclamation was done & should remain unchallenged. He later noticed I was not thrilled, asked me why, argued why he made the comment, argued why we should believe his boss (who has 3 adult bio-kids living at home so not a role model for me) instead of me reviewing what's available from both of our companies. Really, it's about money. DH later apologized for being a dick, but the unspoken issue remains the same. The fact that DH tried to shut me down with that comment really sucks, in fact, seems to he right out of SS's playbook (= use of a non-sequitor cryptic statement as an announcement with the assumption that immediate lack of opposition equals acceptance). 

Rather than post my fears, I am going to do some research, then tell my husband I want to discuss plans and boundaries before we budget Christmas. DH has mentioned SS either living here again OR getting some kind of financial support from DH in the future. Either one is bad, and there's NO TELLING DH that instead of focusing on SS learning to be independent, he seems to be focused on wanting SS to come back for an unspecified period of time. I don't want to host SS anymore but see DH focused on getting SS driving, still calling the room "SS's room," and buying SS stuff like new shoes. I don't mind DH doing nice things for SS like that, and I know I do not want to live with SS again. But DH hears from SS how uncomfortable living with BM is, and DH feels sorry for him. I don't comment but am not hearing anything about SS doing anything beyond complaining. My thought is, "If you don't like living WITH her (BM), don't be surprised StepUltimate doesn't want to live with someone (SS) who lives JUST LIKE BM." I spent 5+ years modeling how to get up every day and do LIFE, yet someone who hasn't yet even looked through the boxes of sh*t I packed for him since he refused to clean his old room (even after getting kicked out!) thinks he's gonna waltz back in & continue the lifestyle that got him kicked out in the 1st place?

Just writing about this pisses me off. I'm in the eye of the hurricane, but wanting to be past the whole thing. I spent 5 years raising and supporting my SS and he got kicked out for not complying with the basic, announced-years-in-advance RULES because it was more important to be a lazy, lying stoner. Now he's got DH feeling sorry for him and I am basically feeling sorry for myself that it's NOT over yet. I have been enjoying the Empty Nest with DH but all this unresolved SS-stuff is swirling just below the surface. 

Just going to take care of me & do some research. Had to blog to get all these thoughts out of my head. Thank you for being here on ST.


hereiam's picture

Your husband might feel sorry for his son, but SS living with BM is his own doing and your husband needs to remember that.

There is absolutely no way I would allow SS to move back in. He is not going to change/grow up between now and January, it will be the same 'ol crap. And probably harder to get him out the second time.

If you ask me, living with BM and being uncomfortable is what this kid needs.

beebeel's picture

I complained to my dad ONCE about living with my mom at age 17. He told me if it was so horrible having a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my belly, and rules for living that I should find my own place and try doing all of those things for myself. I never complained to him again and I moved my ass out the day I turned 18. 

futurobrillante99's picture

For all the really terrible things my parents did, a couple things they did right were to put their marriage first, ahead of us 4 kids. Secondly, my parents made living at home after high school a very unpleasant experience. I moved out at 17 because I had a late birthday. I returned a few months later, but only briefly, and my parents kept an accurate tab of how much money I owed them....and they held me responsible for repaying it.

beebeel's picture

Oh my parents had a nasty, ugly divorce when I was 13. They made many mistakes out of pettiness and selfishness. None of that prevented them from still trying to parent me!

Aniki's picture

Gah. One of the FIRST things I would do is to convert "SS's room" into ANYTHING. A craft room, a home gym, a putting green...

I am extremely fortunate that my DH will never allow a skid to move in with us nor is he able to financially support one. I cannot imagine. Sad

StepUltimate's picture

DH tried telling me SS has changed, but had no examples. Yes, DH feels sorry for SS. 

It may be that SS precludes the possibility... all my DH's efforts so far have resulted in SS achieving the milestone of passing the written drivers test last week, so his driving test is now scheduled for mid-December. SS had his two best stoner buddies staying with him at BM's house this weekend per DH, so I'm doubting SS is saving up money because it's party-time. SS is also complaining about his job to DH and talking about applying for a better job, but even DH pointed out it's all talk since SS mentioned applying for the same job months ago. 

Mainly I just love my home is a refuge for me again, the nice place I get to live in without being filled with dread or anxiety. I had an old friend over yesterday and she loved the energy of my Guest Room. She told me, No Way, meaning no way should I go backward and have SS take over the space. 

futurobrillante99's picture

I can imagine how you feel - it has to be a lot like I felt = as if my feelings and needs were of ZERO consequence when it came to stbx's adult children.

I had to leave. I don't know how you manage the anxiety thinking about this being forced on you.

StepUltimate's picture

Thanks for understanding. It's definitely a feeling of watching the clock again... Will SS actually try to complete the license/insurance/enrollment/attendance requirements and move back in in January? Will DH cave to the Guilty Daddee and try to get me to live like that again? Will I have to endure a trial show of "Things Have Changed?" before having to watch DH kick SS out again?

I vote for skipping all that & having SS either SHOW a real change on a LOT of issues before humbly asking my forgiveness and another chance... OR having HIM default out by not getting licensed, insured, and successfully in school by January 19th when the Spring 2019 semester begins. I definitely love my SS and really love not living with him anymore. 

Harry's picture

Let DH put SS on his health insurance.  Just disengage and get him off of your insurance.  TWO. Turn SD bedroom into something else, craft room, den,  anything but a bedroom.  THREE. SS is not going to change in eight weeks.  He is not moving in with you, him and BF can move some where by themselves.  You can’t give in now.  He outnthe door is closed.  Don’t let SO open it again 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Do not let him back in.  If you have to bit the bullet and subsidise him living with some peers from community college (if he enrols).  It will keep him out of your space and give your DH an out.

tog redux's picture

It's sad to me that DH feels more sorry for SS having to live with BM than for you having to live with SS.  He's still so focused on "winning" the prize away from BM that he's jeopardizing his marriage (or he would be if I were you).

Honestly, I think you need to tell DH that you are not OK with SS ever moving back in.  That if he has to help him financially, that's his business, but you are no longer willing to share your home with him.  Don't put conditions on it (if he does x, y and z he can move back) because those things can change once he moves in, and you will never get him out again. 

CLove's picture

I can relate - after Feral Eldest (aka ToxicTroll junior) was booted from her previous place, (we suspect it was because of something that came out of her mouth...) she called auntie to see if she could live with grandma and uncle who takes care of her, going behind uncles back. uncle said "no way jose", because he doesnt want to deal with her while he is recovering from lymphoma and she has stated how angry she is with him and how much she hates him. The door is closed at our place, because of how she ripped into her father and how much hatred she has for me. I put in a decently large fish tank, plants, a bookcase (absolutely no bed or even a futon!!!!!) and keep my purses and jackets in there, a writing desk. Absolutely great ideas that everyone here has. The guestroom might be beautiful, but take out the bed, sell it, whatever, and get a rollaway!

Sorry you are going through this. But January is looming in the distance, and you must "head this off at the pass".

StepUltimate's picture

I did make the room nice, with DH's help. We plan to have my mom stay here to dog & cat-sit when we go out of state to a family event early next year. DH will benefit for sure, but maybe we need to take a trip sooner than that... so DH can experience how nice it is taking me out of town when I don't have to worry about SS throwing parties at our house now that he's out. 

Survivingstephell's picture

I think your DH is still testing you and new boundaries.  I would make it clear to him that there is no more wiggle room with you and drop the hammer down on SS NEVER moving back in.  It might even be time for an ulitmatum with DH.  SS or us. He hasn't even given your marriage enough time to recover from SS drama to begin to heal the rift between the two of you.  


StepUltimate's picture

It does seen like DH is testing me. He's definitely apppreciating me and how nice I keep our house. We've been having fun & being free around here. Even the animals seem happier! 

StepMamaBear6's picture

Have you ever just told DH, "I can't live with SS18 again.  He can visit - no more than 3 nights in a row - but I can't live with him again.  You need to think carefully about the consequences of inviting SS back into our home on a semi-permanent basis becasue it may cost us our marriage."

Could you say that?

ndc's picture

THIS!!  And the sooner the better.  Why allow DH and SS to have hope when it's something that you are completely (and understandably) opposed to?

notasm3's picture

Just be direct and tell your DH  NO!!!!!!!!! Tell him that you would make it your life’s mission to make SS 10x more miserable in your home than in BM’s home.