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DH Upset I Cleaned SS's Old Room

StepUltimate's picture

DH came home from work a little bit ago and is bummed I cleaned SS18's old room. It's still not done - tons of dust & filthy floors, more clothes to store & other clothes to donate, etc. DH doesn't like it that I unhooked the xbox and took all the gaming posters down. 

All yesterday DH was lovey-dovey wanting to be all romantic, but honestly I avoided him because baby-talk is a turn-off and I also felt like DH is giving SS18 the message he's gonna slide back into living here. DH couldn't even get SS18 to pay $20 toward his own phone bill by the 15th but I'm supposed to believe SS will be paying car insurance on time & paying his own gas regularly by January? I'm aware that the only way SS will get licensed, insured, and enrolled is if DH keeps pushing him. 

So I am avoiding DH. He can he upset about little SS18's old room being taken apart & cleaned out, and he can keep trying to tell me that SS is planning to enroll in CC Spring 2019 and live here, but I don't see that happening- he can't even get SS to clean his room. Maybe DH is upset with me because the clean room is a reminder of how he & SS failed. DH already held like four "room-cleaning" sessions eith SS in the past two weeks, where SS basically did some laundry and re-hung the crossbow on the hook. The hook I took down today because the crossbow is not a theme in my guest bedroom. 

SS's BM gave him this big long wooden staff or rod, intricately carved with a serpent-head on one end (like a cane handle, but this stick is way too long to be a cane), a few years ago. It creeped me out but SS stuck it in the corner of his room & it lived there until today, gathering dust. At first, I put it outside, thinking I'd take a walk & leave it somewhere in the trees/weeds near our house. But then, I put it in the garage because I don't want any heat from DH or SS in the off-chance SS will miss the staff and ask about it. It looks menacing though, and I would like to break the staff up and burn it in my fire pit.

DH can sulk all he wants to. I am avoiding him. He can sulk about man-baby SS18's still-filthy-but-much-cleaner room alone. 

In the meantime, hope all you StepTalkers are having a nice evening!


tog redux's picture

Good for you! Frankly, I'm not sure "enrolled in CC" should be the threshold - what if he enrolls and then drops out? And if he does move in, it's as an adult, not back in his childhood bedroom just as it was.

Question - why does DH want him to live there so badly?  Our situations are very similar minus your DH's rose-colored glasses. (Right down to me cleaning out SS's room so I could sleep in there when I needed to, lol).

StepUltimate's picture

I uncovered a lot more dust yesterday and piled the clothes from drawers & closet onto the bed yesterday, so you can't even sleep there yet. It does smell better but that's because I opened the window, cleaned the ledge, and burned a stick of my fav Celestial incense in there. 

I think DH wants SS back so DH can feel like he's "helping" SS and also so he can feel like he's "protecting" SS from toxic, narcissist BM, who SS is now living with. DH flat-out told me he doesn't want BM to "Win." I told him I wasn't in the competition but DH replied, "Well I am!"

tog redux's picture

I do know how easy it is to fall into the competition that these narcissistic BMs set up - I find myself there too sometimes.  I think my DH finally realized there was no "winning" against BM - the only way to win was to not play her game.

hereiam's picture

There would be no moving back in, if I were in your shoes. SS had his chance and it's obvious he cannot step up. Sometimes, life just doesn't give you second chances. The door to my home would not be a revolving one.

If he enrolls in CC and gets his DL, great, but he can continue living where ever he's living.

Your husband's attitude is just proof that his plan was to move SS back in, at some point. Sorry, but that ship sailed.

You are not the cause of this situation and you are not the one he should be upset with.



justmakingthebest's picture

What did he expect you to do? Keep it as a smelly shrine?

I remember when I moved out at 18... the next weekend my parents moved in a new couch and TV and let it be the "hangout" room for my brother and sister and their friends. All my brother's video game stuff went in it, so did all my sister's art stuff.

I came over for dinner and I remember being like... Ok... WOW! Ummmm, I guess I better figure out this adulting thing fast becasue I don't have a safety net. BEST THING EVER FOR ME! 

futurobrillante99's picture

Reading your post puts knots in my stomach and brings back memories.

stbX's 3 older sons didn't do well in high school and one barely graduated. So the first 2 years after graduation, all 3 were "going to school." Only 1 of the older 3 did well in college for a semester, then he came home to get a job, 1 floundered big time, and the third was a mixed bag. For all 3 it was 2 years of slacking, partying and living off of dad or mom. It was a very distressing time for me as the 4 of his kids played musical houses. The youngest, SS18, had terrible attendance and grade issues the last 2 years of high school, barely graduating. I'm sure he'll be given the "customary" 2 years to party, slack and live off mom and dad until he decides college is not really his thing.

Since the older guys have been given 3 years to slack and flounder, I'm sure SS18 won't be denied the same.

I move out in April for various reasons, but one of them was that stbX's sons would be living with us and supported by stbX (and me, indirectly) for at least another 2-4 years. I could NOT do it.

Got my own house and stbX is divorcing me; it should be finalized before December. Hats off to all of you who have found the strength to tolerate your partners enabling their children to flounder, and/or have stood up for yourselves and managed to keep your marriage intact. Ours had a LOT of other issues.

Stand strong. Reading your posts, it seems this house was YOURS before your DH and SS came along.

StepUltimate's picture

This rental was mine before DH, then later SS moved in.

I remember reading your posts about your skids lifestyles and watching that Will Farrell movie, Stepbrothers, where the 40-year olds still parasitically mooching off their parents, thinking NO WAY.

I've learned from others on this site that people treat me the way I allow, including my husband and SS18. If DH can't get SS18 to respect our home and rules even after kicking him out, it's pretty clear SS would continue his path. 

I fear SS will enroll, move back in, then start the cutting class, but that's almost ridiculous because he has so far to go just to be able to drive & commute to class at the CC 30 minutes from here. He'll need gas money insurance money, to borrow cars, etc. It will be a hot mess that DH can finance without me. I just want DH to see SS needs to flap a wing, not be coddled. I don't want a version of what you lived with. I don't want SS to move back in or dirty up the not-even-clean-yet bedroom. I want friends & relatives to be able to visit & enjoy that room. 

futurobrillante99's picture

You have two difficult options.

1. Stand your ground and don't allow SS18 to come back until he's PROVEN he will make the effort in school, to get a license and get a job - and agrees to and signs a list of rules and expectations (which will likely not happen). If SS18 never comes back, your DH will be sulky and take it out on your, or your marriage might suffer.

2. Let your SS18 come back because DH made you feel bad and live with the frustration of him continuing to flounder.

In my case, I had a lot of reasons to save myself and get out. ((hugs))

StepUltimate's picture

Option 1 is the version I agreed to. SS must be licensed, insured, enrolled, and attending class before I will consider it an option. If he gets that far, we will all sign a contract outlining the standards, expectations, and timeline. It will stipulate that Proof of Insurance, attendance, and good grades will be required upon request. I will request regularly as I know DH won't. I don't think SS will follow through unless DH can force him.

DH apologized to me later last night and admitted the room still isn't clean. He was up first thing this morning evaluating how many more boxes & storage containers we'll need to box up the rest of the junk I compiled into bags & piles yesterday.

After seeing the room last night DH accused me of wiping all trace of SS out. I disagreed and reminded DH he's been telling SS to clean that room since before last summer but SS refused, that it's not even useable yet and that I am making it into a comfy guest room. He told me he'd told SS he could keep all his stuff and furniture and I advised I didn't throw any "stuff" away, just garbage & incomplete homework assignments from high school. After apologizing, DH agreed the posters reflect a young teenage boy's room (Well DH, SS was 12 when you hung the posters for him). He just doesn't like the thought of his baby boy's room being taken down. By me. I bought most of the stuff in there, or we bought it together for SS. 

Iamwoman's picture

Your DH “wants to win?” 

Does he want to win so badly that he is willing to lose at marriage?

I see nothing wrong with what you’re doing. His son is an adult and should be self supporting. If he chooses to go live with toxic BM, then it’s 100% a choice. As an adult, he is not being forced to live with her, and does not need rescuing. He needs to figure it out.

As far as DH... baby talk = yuck! My DH tried this once and I flat out told him that he just ruined it for me, and I don’t like that. He never did it again.

The mopey attitude... maybe he should see a therapist? It sounds like DH has some unhealthy attachment issues to his son, and possibly his own little touch of narcissism? I only say this because his goal is to “win” against BM, and making everything into a “win/lose” contest is a classic narc trait... doesn’t mean he IS one, but he is definitely thinking far too much about BM.

tog redux's picture

He does need to learn how to let go of the battle with BM. He may not realize it, but it's a way that he continues to allow BM to control him, which is her goal. It's also using SS as a pawn in that game, rather than thinking about what's best for him. And it's not fair to you.

I know that DH and BM in our case had a very competitive power -struggle type relationship.  It's the kind of relationship narcissistic people set up with everyone, and DH fell into it because he's a strong willed person.  It wasn't about openly fighting, but it was about who would "win" at this or that.  DH still falls into it sometimes, like now when BM is taking him back to court.  But mostly, he doesn't think in those terms anymore.

Harry's picture

Many people live by themselves at 18,  They have jobs and pay rent, by themselves or with roommates!  You know it’s total BS that SS is going to enroll in CC get his drivers license, get a car, and live like a. PERSON with you.  First SS needs a JOB instead of playing around all day.  Then he needs drivers license and car.  

What I don’t get. I could not Waite to get a car, and job to pay for the car and activities I wanted to do.  This kid does not even want to make a good impression on woman. Like dating.  “ we can ride our bikes to the movies “ “ mom will take up! “. 

This kid will never move back into my home.  If DH doesn’t like it they both. An rent an apartment together 

StepUltimate's picture

For sure. SS has a part-time job but has been partying his money away. I agree it's pretty doubtful he'll even get himself signed up for classes Spring 2019 semester. So we'll see, but in the meantime the bedroom is getting clean to serve as a guest bedroom.

StepUltimate's picture

Now Spring 2019 is the 3rd semester since graduating in June 2018 that SS has failed to enroll @ community college. No surprise on my end. 

DH hasn't seemed to grasp that SS is just not interested in living here again. The wounds to our marriage have created a divide. Now that it's been a year since SS got kicked out, I've been re-reading my blogs, reflecting. 

Still very grateful for StepTalk, a truely priceless support community. Thank you for being here!

SteppedOut's picture

For your sake, I'm glad ss isn't back. But, I am sorry your marriage is struggling now that he is gone. Hopefully y'all can get back on the right track, but sometimes that is hard once things cross a certian point. 

Cover1W's picture

The last time I went "clean slate" on SD14s (then 12) room I had DH's blessing to do so.

Then he was PO'd I did it and stuck to it and threw stuff away and gave a bunch to charity.  And left the remainder in trash bags in the garage and he allowed her to go get things from those bags like it was a storage unit.  Nope.  I was done with her room from then on unless something was rotting or smelling.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Just keep on cleaning and be breezy and matter of fact. His snit, his problem to deal with.