DH Chose Wisely: SS Got TOLD! VICTORY!!! !!
Happiest Friday to all you StepTalkers!
One week ago yesterday prayers were answered and my DH 100% backed me.
Update from my prior blogs, where SS18almost19 thought he could work the Guiltee Daddy straight on 'til morning and RETURN to live in our home - which he got kicked out of late August 2018 for having failed to get his drivers license and failing to register for classes at the local community college. Ya'll read my anguish & conflict with DH, who'd argued thst SS returning to BM's "would ruin him" and that SS just needed more time. I was quite clear that stoner SS was OUT of time and that I was done Done DONE living with SS.
So Thursday last week, DH straight TOLD SS he must work on his relationship with StepUltimate, because he left on a bad note and never resolved it, owned it, apologized for it, or "moved" anything beyond his clothes & xbox out, anyway. DH made clear that StepUltimate isn't willing to live like that again so if SS wants to live here again, it'll only he when StepUltimate is cool with it. And that if SS doesn't fix things with StepUltimate, DH told him, "... and if you don't, you're not coming back."
My DH put me and our marriage 1st! He shot down SS's triangulation power and told SS to deal directly with StepUltimate instead of complaining to DH about me & working the victim angle. DH also told SS what I'd told DH back in August: SS is hardly ever home so how bad can it be at BM's? SS has now been told by DH that him ever living here again is 100% up to StepUltimate. DH has now realized that what I'd been telling him and warning him about SS was true. It took SS showing him.... and me detaching enough to let SS hang himself with his own rope.
That's right, DH deflated SS's triangulation mechanism. StepUltimate, it should be noted, hasn't received a call or text or email or ANY WORD from SS in the now week+ since DH's Thursday convo with SS... so he's DONE. Not even pretending to he interested in coming back. One of my ST peeps had psychically called it in a private message, stating my SS just wanted to continue to play BM against DH and use both homes as his flop-houses. I am beyond thrilled that my worries about DH choosing SS over our marriage are now over.
DH made the right choice. He validated my need to be respected in our home and saw that SS has nooooo intention of correcting himself, and had assumed he could triangulate Guilty Daddee DH into okaying his moving-back-in without my consent or approval. SS assumed.... and totally underestimated me. He had not realized I'd changed tactics based on everything I've learnt here on StepTalk.
This is where SS f*cked up: he had ZERO preparation for the profound effect that you - my StepTalk community of amazing men & women who have gone before me and shared your experience, strength, hope, and strategies for dealing with this unnaturally-punishing role of stepparenting a teen who'd been a COD to a high-conflict NPD BM (but I repeat myself) - had on me. No clue.
This post is a dream come true for me - I seriously hoped DH would put me 1st and knew he wanted to but also knew I couldn't underestimate the power one troubled, manipulative son-of-a-narc bio-son held over my DH. Reading & blogging on StepTalk the past two years gave me the encouragement, strength, strategy, and determination to stand STRONG and do what I needed to do (including separating finances & telling DH if he needs more time to "raise his son," he could go rent a place to do that from because StepUltimate refuses to live with an almost-19 year old who refuses to contribute to or respect the nice home we provide). So I thank you all, StepTalkers, for being here, sharing your stories, listening, asking questions, sharing suggestions, encouraging me, and being courageous in your own journeys (I thought our BM was bad until I read about some of the next-level CRAY some of your BM's bring).
I owe a debt of gratitude to StepTalk - THANK YOU!!