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Things I wish I could say to BM...

SteppingUp's picture

Many of you are like me -- choosing the high road, not engaging in the BM's drama. However, I certainly have an arsenal of things I wish I could say to BM. Share yours too!

1. Your own biological father left your family when you and your brother were 8 and 9. He never looked back and has never contacted you. Can you fathom that it could be because your mother was crazy and controlling and manipulative and made it so hard for him to breathe that he was willing to give up his children? He started a new family a few years later. And can you fathom that you are doing the same by alienating two people (me and fiance) who love your daughter unconditionally and help you to raise her even though they are not at all obligated to do so?

2. Do you really think it will hurt your daughter to have one more adult role model in her life that loves her (me), even though this makes YOU feel insecure?

3. Do you think that paying for your daughter to go to gymnastics adn your son to be in soccer costs more than what you spend in one month on your hair, nails, tanning, and going out?

4. Do you think it's right that your children think it's completely normal that their mother has men coming in and out of her life non-stop?

I of course could go on and on, but these are the thoughts that are currently plaguing me!

Comments

Anon2009's picture

Same as Willow. I'd also like to ask her why she let convicted sex offenders abuse her daughters.

zenjetset's picture

Try to ruin each and everyone of our surprises by creating unwarranted drama!

Feels the world revolves around her and stops on it's axle because she demands it should!

Can't understand a simple two letter word...NO! And I completely understand why her kids can't either, nor does any member of her family!!

Has no one consideration for any other persons boundaries!

Attempts to guilt as easy as lie!

Thinks she is better than me and FDH as a parent and human being! Urgh!!! She is the worst ever!

Moon Child Step Mom's picture

Wow… if I could really take the gloves off (and have her *hear* me) and lay out some truth on her I guess I’d start with, “we do not tell you to make sure that the kids brush their teeth and hair to insult you… we just know that this doesn’t happen at your house and maybe you just need the reminder”

“We are VERY aware that they are “your children”, but wouldn’t it be nice if you *acted like they were* and put their needs ahead of your own for once!!!”

“Dh didn’t “abandon” you… he begged you for five years to meet him in the middle and work on the marriage and when you never made one ounce of effort to make things better (and continued to become more hateful and abusive) he did the best thing for everyone involved and stopped the cycle of abuse!”

“The boys HATE your weird food… stop forcing it on them!!! And when they don’t eat your boiled fish with cabbage in the red sauce (what SS6 cries about all the time) don’t just hand them chocolate and send them to bed… without brushed teeth!!! ”

Lord this is therapeutic… thank you!!! Wink

SteppingUp's picture

Ooooh, I feel you on your first two points and could definitely add them to my list as well!

skylarksms's picture

BM, why is it:

1. You cannot see the periods of "craziness" that you have? You can be normal sometimes, so you DO know how it is, but then you show your crazy side again. Why is that?

2. that you think that you won't be caught in your lies when you have made such a habit of lying that you can believe your own lies?

3. that you cannot see the harm you have done to your children by using them as pawns in your vindictive attempt to punish DH for not staying with you to take your infidelity and emotional/physical abuse?

4. you cannot be happy that your children have a father who desperately wants to be involved in their lives and who has found a woman who also loves them as if they are her own and wants only the best for them?

5. Have you ever stopped to realize that if you would have put less effort into making our lives hell and more effort into your own happiness, maybe you could have met someone else LONG before your kids were almost ready to move out??

6. You also could have WAY more than you already have if you would have spent "your" money (CS) a little wiser? You had to sell your big house and new car when CS went down. You could have had a paid off house and car if you would have just stayed put and made a few home cooked meals instead of taking the kids out to eat all the time!

WHERESMYWART's picture

I would love to say

1. STOP calling and telling the boys you are coming when you know your not.

2. Don't promise them a birthday or Christmas present if you have no intentions of giving them one.

3. Stopping talking crap about me to the boys, do you honestly think this is good for them? After all, you talking bad about me doesn't make you a better mother.

4. You pay absolutely nothing for your own children and then think you have the right to bitch or complain if they dont get what you want them to have when you want them to have.

5. You left DH and your kids, not the other way around. Stop acting like some big disservice was done your way. You were told that DH would move out if you would just stay and raise the kids. Nope, you wanted drugs and your drugaddict boyfriend.

6. If you hate to lie to the boys, then why do you do it all the time?

7. I mean really, you didn't even visit your barely three-year-old son once when he was in Children's Hospital in kidney failure. If you were so worried that you could call people to exaggerate the story about him having to have a transplant and such, couldn't you at least visited him once.

8. I know you are their mother, but for most purposes, I am considered their mother. Such as I am the one the school calls, I am the one who takes them to the doctor, I am the one who supports them at their games. Their girlfriends call my phone. I am the one who is taking your oldest step child to the mental health center because he is scratching and now burning himself. (think this might have something to do with you abandoning him and promising him everything but giving him nothing).

9. Why don't you straighten up and become a good mother to your children or sign them over to me?

I would like to say so much more but Im trying to be nice.

iwishyouwould's picture

I would never say this, because it would fall on ears that wouldnt hear or process anything I say.. but, if she would listen, i would say this

1. You need help. Go to a psychologist; get on some kind of medication. I want to work with you but your state of mind makes it impossible.

2. You will never get custody of kiddo. You traumatized him and he has lasting issues from it. It is all documented - the abduction, the abandonment, the abuse that took place while he was with you. Please stop telling him that he is going to go live with you; it *terrifies* him, and I dont know why you cant see that. I wish that you would listen to us so that you can hear how it has effected him and you can start doing what is best for him instead of compounding the problem.

3. I have raised kiddo and still do. so have his aunts. We all love him and he loves us. Please stop telling him mean things about us; it is so cruel and i wish that you could see the tortured, confused way he looks at dh and me when he comes home from spending time with you.

4. Please look at yourself. Please realize that you cant raise a child. Please be honest with yourself. I want to adopt kiddo. Please let me. We can do an open adoption - Please do whats best for kiddo. Get your life in order, find yourself, stop having children and come back and get to know him when you are able. Please let us do this.

momoutofhermind2's picture

Long, but funny....

If you take the high road or the low road they both end up the same way....... with a crazy BM. She hates you either way you look at it so sometimes it does help to let her know what you think b/c it couldn't hurt.
Now the low road hurt a bit on the court side. I took both roads at one point.

My SS10's BM was a piece of work and it's like we, the nonBM's see what our SO/DH's go through with these nuts and we can only take so much of watching them hurt. It's like they do what they do and don't care who they hurt.

For me, I couldn't take it anymore. I took the low road twice. When I took the low road it was already after the jealousy was too much, the mean comments were too much, and she put a restraining order on my DH for no reason. She was able to put the Restraining order on him as long as she made her story look good and real. It can be put on you w/out a lot of fight. My first low road was when my DH had his work Xmas party. We were there just having a good time. Well BM's BF at the time was friends w/my DH's boss so he was invited to the party also. We didn't know that at the time until guess who walks in? YEP, Skanky BM and her old BF.

So now since she has a restraining order on my DH, which was my BF at the time, they couldn't be w/in 100ft of each other. So what does she do, she sits 5ft away from us(GRRRRRRRRRR). Well, we didn't leave b/c we were there first. Technically we should've but it's was HIS companies party so we stayed. Well she sat there looking snooty, and just like her S*** didn't stink. Well, after I had a shot of vodka, another shot of vodka, 4 more shots, it got ugly...hehehe. I still can't remember the full fight to this day. My DH went to the bathroom and I guess I seen her leaving and she already made some snotty comments so I guess subconsciously I had enough. I walked out after her and she said something and I punched her. It got ug-ly...hehehe.

From what I was told Smile I punched her a couple times, she pulled my hair and yanked my shirt down, so evidentally I flashed the place, then kept punching her. Her BF pushed me to get me off of her and my DH came from out of nowhere, b/c remember he was in the bathroom, and punched him in the face. It turned into a big thing. Her BF got in the middle of things btwn my DH and BM so my DH was happy to hit him too. It felt so good to hit her. It was like years of anger released.

So overall, it can't hurt to say what you think sometimes. Freedom of speech all the way. It hurt my situation when I acted on the thoughts the 2nd time b/c they were in the court process. The first time wasn't to far along. I hate when people use their kids to intentionally to hurt someone I love and it what she kept doing got to me. So the 2nd time was just a small altercation, but that one hurt more for my DH. The 1st one didn't have any impact b/c nothing changed.

They will still be the same BM's no matter what you say. Their hatred is b/c they are jealous. It's about the family they wish they still had and that they don't have anymore. They know they can't control the DH unless it's with the kid/s so they use them.

She is one person I could NOT stand and I get along with almost everyone.

True mom's picture

Hmmm this does sound therapeutic!

1. You're lazy and teaching your kids that you can milk the system by collecting UE instead of getting a job/any job/keeping a job! What an example you are!

2. You're nuts if you think your few dollars every couple of weeks actually really helps, you spend more on your cigarette's and nails in one month than you pay to support your children!

3. Once again you don't work and you still haven't taken your kids to get their teeth cleaned in almost 2 years. Insurance that I provide! Moron! Guess like with everything else I'll take care of that too.. Who are you again???

4. Your lack of making your children responsible for their education and disrespecting DH in the process is pathetic!

5. Really?? You think letting the kids eat when they want what they want and staying up til all hours in the night is good for them. Thanks for screwing them up and sending them home for us to fix.

6. BOUNDARIES!!! Ever hear of those, do I need to get a dictionary out for you, or can you not read also to understand the definition!!!!

7. This goes with 6, You're the EX!!! That means his family is now MY family not yours. Yes your kids are still related but DH family can see them anytime WE have them not when you have them EOW. You need to BUTT THE HELL OUT of our lives!!

Ahhh, that felt good!

DaizyDuke's picture

1. You are NOT mother of the year, the only reason you do fun things with your son is because they are all things that your boyfriend wants to do so you go along to keep your leash on HIM. This would also explain why your 18 year old moved out the nano-second that he could to get away from your psycho ass.

2. You are NOT Mother Theresa, just because you go to your cookoo cult church 3 days a week does not make you a good person. I bet your cult friends would be shocked to see the language in your text messages and voice mails to my hubby when you are not getting your own way.

3. You are NOT a good role model, that would require having a job for more than 1 year at a time and not sitting on your ass and collecting unemployment for the majority of the time. Oh wait, you happen to have a job now...you're 36 years old and a part-time waitress! Bet you have a splendid retirement plan and 401K Bet you also have a good college fund set aside for your son.. oh wait, that would require you actually saving money and not spending it on yourself.

4. You can go spend your sons money on your hair and clothes and shoes, but it does not change the fact that at the end of the day you are still just poor white trash trying to be something that you are NOT.

5. You are NOTHING to my husband other than a necessary evil that he has to deal with in order to have a relationship with his son. My hubby thinks of you as a prison sentence and thank gawd, he has served more than half of his time and there is a release in sight!

It's got to be exhausting trying so hard to be all of these things that you will NEVER be.

Rags's picture

"SpermIdiot, you are a worthless piece of shit. My son knows it and your younger three out-of-wedlock spawn know it. When is the truth going to dawn on you?".

That is about all I have to say about this topic. Dirol

Best regards,

jojo68's picture

Ummm....as of today I think I would say..."Get and damn job you lazy fat cow and quit manipulating my BF...take responsibilty for yourself and your kids! You are grown...no one should have to babysit you anymore at 30!"

pastepmomof3's picture

Just the opportunity I was looking for!

BM#1 -

Why is it that SD is allowed to do what she wants, when she wants, how she wants, etc., until it starts being inconvenient for you? Shouldn't have you and DH called the shots with her from the beginning rather than allow her to make decisions affecting the other parent??

Why do you not tell SD the truth about what "really" happened when you and DH got divorced? Or why she didn't know about her older brother until just a few years ago?

BM#2 -

Why don't you seek help for your paranoia? Everyone will benefit from it, trust me.

Why do you continue to always put more on your plate than you can handle?

Have you ever considered the affect your actions have on SS when you continually treat everyone as equals rather than having one-on-one time with each one?

Ah...a little better...if only this was reality!

NCMilGal's picture

During the confrontation during pickup where I'm wearing this: http://www.cafepress.com/+womens_vneck_tshirt,150780240

BM: How dare you say that about me?

Me: Which part isn't true? I have a career and a retirement account; what do you have besides 5 jobs in 5 years and debts? Besides we've been married longer than you ever managed, either try.

Of course, BM has quit her, "She's just your father's wife!" BS, because I put tons more into parenting HER CHILD this summer than she has ever done.

Dumb b!tch.

Francesca's picture

Whooo! Going to have fun with this! Almost as fun as the waterpark!

You're sick! Get help! Your STBXH (how's that?) says that in leaving you HE GOT OUT OF PRISON!

You are a disgrace as a mother and woman!

Your children are out of control brats with NO HOME TRAINING!

You had a nice husband and CHEWED HIM TO DEATH! You NEVER deserved him.

BTW, your strategy to get him back needs a little work. Fake suicides, break-ins, car chases, screaming at him at his job, throwing his three year old into the car and driving off into the night, making him sell his Corvette and stealing the money, filing bankruptcy in his name after NOT PAYING THE BILLS FOR SEVERAL YEARS and a few flying objects to his head REALLY made him reconsider his decision to BE WITH ME!

they8ntmine's picture

Oh what to say... I've had numerous letters written, never to be sent, cuz I didn't want to start shit with her or the skids when she told them.

* Stop making FDH out to be a dead-beat dad, we both know he's not. He pays CS every 2 weeks and picks the skids up EOW. He goes to whatever sporting/school events that he knows about. Don't bring up giving you money for medical bills in front of people. We all know you don't recieve any medical bills as they all get sent to him. Start telling FDH about events so he can participate in his children's life and don't make him out to be a bad parent if he can't go because of work. You wouldn't get your "paycheck" if he didn't work. Stop planning stuff on FDH's weekend, they're not that tough to figure out, get a calandar and put a mark every weekend that's yours, the pick up and drop off time haven't changed in 7 years so stop asking!!

* Your "paycheck" is to help provide for the skids, which means you should be putting some money into that too. It's not okay for you to sit at home and do nothing all day and expect more money because your "paycheck" isn't enough. And stop calling it your "paycheck" all you did was spread your legs and have a couple kids.

* How dare you tell SD about DFH's vasectomy reversal. He told you because when I got preg, we didn't want you telling the skids that our child wasn't their sibling. We stood by you and defended your GF and the child you guys had together and said that she's their sibling. What right did you have to tell SD13, and then to egg her on to be mad at us for 4 months, WTF!!! To convince her that after we had a baby, DFH wouldn't love her anymore. You are evil, a vile POS!! You and SD made me feel like shit, I'm allowed to have a baby and DFH is allowed to have more kids if he wants, it's our choice not yours or SD's. I'm allowed to have someone crawl up in my lap and say mommy, I love you. You've PASed the skids and SS doesn't listen to your shit but SD eats it up.

*Stop being SD's BFF, give her rules, you wonder why she doesn't listen and has a crappy attitude, cuz you don't have any rules or boundries, she's 13 not 30.

*and lastly, enough with the holier than though attitude. Yeah ok, you go to church every Sunday. Big f'n deal. You treat people like crap, feel entitled to everything when you've done nothing for it. You think going to church and volunteering their makes you a good Christian, it doesn't. Treating people with kindness is what makes you a good Christian. Helping others. Not being an *sshole. So FDH and I don't go to church but we make better Christians than you any day!!

That felt good.. lol (if any of it doesn't make sense, sorry my fingers were typing fast and my thoughts were coming faster than I can type) I'm sure I have more but that's a start.

iwishyouwould's picture

you know, ive been thinking about this blog, and what i should say just didnt make me feel any better, and if i could say something, i want it to make me feel better..so. what i would really like to say to bm, like really really, is...

Leave me the hell alone!!!!!!!!! Stop dragging me into this crap, shut the F up and leave me the hell alone!!!!! You cant say over and over how ive got nothing to do with it, how i need to stay out of it, and then use me as blackmail and bring me up in conversation with DH and demand that i do sh*t. Shut. The. F. Up. And. Leave. Me. Alone. You Crazy. Psycho. Wh8re.

Yes. That would be lovely.