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New Life, New Family, New Issues

SteppingUp's picture

This is my first blog entry. I found this site while searching for advice on how to deal with my fiance's ex-girlfriend, who is also the mother of the two children they share joint custody of. The issue: she's crazy!

I consider myself an incredibly understanding person. I've dealt with women who have personality disorders and manipulative people. I even bought the book called "In Sheep's Clothing - Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People" by George K. Simon Jr. (AMAZING book, by the truly helped me to deal with and recognize these people in my life). Also, I am an educator and a youth coach. I understand that not everyone understands how to deal with children or has the patience to do so, but you would think by the time you are 5 years in with the second child you would have a basic understanding of how to parent and at least how your OWN kids work.

Let me also state this: I LOVE these kids. When I met my fiance, we immediately fell in love, and within 6 months I was a fixture in his household, where I then fell in love with his children. I completely understand his own inner turmoil in continuing to raise one of his "kids", who is actually his ex's daughter from a previous relationship. I will call her K. K's biological father is only in the picture enough to pay child support and send K to his mom's house when it's supposed to be his one weekend a month. My wonderful man took over the parenting role when K was only 6 months old. K calls him "Daddy" and always has. My fiance and his ex found out they were pregnant when they were in the process of breaking up. They tried to make it work for about a year and half, through R's infant stage, but it just didn't happen. They agreed they would both have the kids equal parts.

A year and a half later, a bitter child support/custody battle has landed the ex with $600 a month of support, even though he has his biological child half the time (not to mention that he takes his non-biological child as well). The parenting issues that have come up have been endless. She is the most unreasonable person I've EVER dealt with. The moment we think she is going to become easier, the beast rears her ugly head (not really, she's actually very pretty!).

I have struggled personally with wanting to slap her in the face, wanting to sit down and try to understand her, and also with wanting to make her realize that the choices she makes are selfish and not in the kid's best interests. But then I have to remember that she will never see things clearly until she figures them out for herself. If we can all get along it will be the BEST possible option for the kids...can't she realize that?

I know I haven't given any specific evidence of her craziness yet, but I sure will!! Because I feel bad venting to anyone else, I will instead vent about her on here. I appreciate any advice on how to deal with my step-kids crazy mother!


soverysad's picture

Unfortunately, it is not your place to tell her what decisions to make for her children, even though you love the kids and want what is best for them. You share in parenting them when your fiance has them. What she does with them on her time, is her choice. Do not count on her ever changing. You mention when things are getting easier, she rears her ugly head. I know that feeling. All I can say is, ignore her. You have a custody order. Follow it. Don't allow her to manipulate it. Don't answer her calls or hang up when she gets ugly. You don't have to listen to her abuse and you don't have to let her decide what kind of relationship you have with the kids when they're with you, but you can not make her see things your way. She is their mother and she can parent them however she wants. So can your fiance.

My advice is don't deal with her, let your fiance deal with her. She is his problem, not yours.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

SteppingUp's picture

Thank you for the advice...It definitely feels good to have other people out there who understand. I'd have to say I completely agree with both of you and for the most part, I usually feel the same way. I DO stay out of it and I ignore her, but I can't help at times to want to be the one to get on the phone with her and tell her how I feel, as I've NEVER done that. I know that I never will. I always understand that I will never make her "get it".

The hard part for me comes when I have to deal with HIS frustrations in having to deal with her. He just has no clue what to do half the time and then I end up giving him my advise, which he usually agrees with and follows. At least we are on the same page, and I am very fortunate to have that.

We live and parent through the idea that no matter what she chooses to do in her life and parenting style, we can do our best to make a positive experience for the kids when they are with us. We want to be a positive model for them!

superwoman315's picture

your intentions are good, i can relate to that. you have a tough road ahead of you. I totally understand how you feel about wanting to just choke BM out and slap some sense and reality into her, but like everyone has said, it wont change her. although it is your man's problem to deal w/that woman, i know how it can become a total thorn in your side. Someone else that you dont give 2 good sh*ts about has an impact on your life somehow and it just doesnt seem fair. but it is what it is ya know? many of us dont want to just bail on our hubby's, afterall we love them and accept them. I just wish we could sprinkle some "get a clue" dust over them so they could miraculously know how to handle the entire situation so that it wouldnt affect us. i know that i have been unhappy throughout the entire transition of blending our families and its caused me to seriously doubt myself and totally break me down. im to the point that i toally hate BM and i find myself obsessing over it. who have i become because of this drama??? someone i never wanted to be. I like StepAside's advice to just do your own thing, and block all that other nonsense out or you will go crazy. I'm working on that. ITs crazy how we have to adapt to this hostile environment!!!!! all in all i feel bad for the kids stuck in the middle cuz they are being raised around this adult/parental b.s. I dont believe the kids should be burdened w/these stupid games parents and families play just to hurt each other.

SteppingUp's picture

I agree. I would rather let the kids grow up in a healthy situation...maybe by the time they are older it will be better. We hope! I know some day we will deal with more drama as we get married and have a family of our own.

Awesome book: "No One's the Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan for the Mother and Stepmother Relationship"

I have seriously considered sharing this book with BM...tacky? I'm thinking I need to wait until after the wedding to do something like this, as I think she still believes we won't make it.