The most innaffectionate 4 year old boy I've ever met....
and it's my stepson. Isn't that sad? Is this worrisome? SS used to be affectionate, maybe not always with me as I was "new", but definitely with FDH. He was a daddy's boy 100%. FDH is a very very affectionate person and constantly hugs me and the skids and wants to snuggle and hold hands. They'd snuggle on the couch, SS would want to be held or hold his hand all the time. Over the past year or two, he's not affectionate at all. Is this just a phase?
We know that BM doesn't show affection, either. She doesn't give them hugs hello or goodbye, unless it's to make herself look good in front of someone (and then it's forced and awkward). Lately when we leave in the morning, FDH goes to give him a hug and he is pulling away. He'll say "I Love you" to SS and SS just leaves. So I say, "Go back and say I love you too to daddy!" and he will but it's always prompted.
He never, ever shows affection on his own, unsolicited. He will sit on an opposite couch from everyone, or as far away as possible from anyone.
I used to babysit an autistic boy his age who showed me more affection than SS4 does to anyone.
Do you think this is worrisome? How do we "teach" affection other than just modeling and keep trying with him? It feels like we're forcing him to hug and feel empathy. That's the other part...he has very little empathy for anything. When a character dies or is hurt on TV he laughs...we always model "Awww...that is so sad!" with things like that to show him it's not funny, but things haven't really changed.
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Um, to me this is a sign of
Um, to me this is a sign of PAS. Typically the BM is the instigator and biodad is the "target" parent. SS is starting to become aware that it is displeasing to the BM to "choose daddy's side" (TM)
I saw this same thing going on with the older two skids who beer bonged the PAS koolaidi as well as the youngest, Prince Hygiene who used to be friendly and outgoing; trusting of both me and dad.
Read about it here: http://www.paawareness.org/
I could see it as PAS if he
I could see it as PAS if he was like that with just us (or even in front of BM), but it's everyone, at every time. Like I said he's not even affectionate with his own mom, with grandparents, anyone. There is not one person that he RUNS to and wants to give a big hug!
I had to question a co-worker
I had to question a co-worker the other day who was quick to assume that a child had autism or aspergers simply b/c said child would not smile or was in a world of his own.
In my day, a kid who did not smile was a spoiled child and was getting everything he wanted and was being catered to, thus never happy/never loving. Also in a "world of his own." I guess I would have been diagnosed as ADHD or with Aspergers as I was a "day dreamer."
Yeah I agree people are quick
Yeah I agree people are quick to assign their own diagnoses to kids these days and I didn't mean at all that I was saying I think SS is autistic or aspergers. I was just comparing a "normal" kid to one who clearly has a communication disorder. I've never ever met a 4 year old who doesn't just run to a parent out of pure happiness to see them, when he hasnt' seen them for a week and the parent is clearly excited themselves!
The 4 yo I watch is not very
The 4 yo I watch is not very touchy. I think I've gotten 1 hug from him in a year. He doesn't hug his mom or dad either.
Some kids are just like that IMO.
I know many kids who are
I know many kids who are simply not affectionate. Two of them are in my family, and they are bright, good kids, but they are not "touchy feely" at all. Their parents are not, but many family members are. So, who knows. My boyfriend is extremely affectionate, but his children show absolutely no love or affection to him or anyone. The only signs I have seen are with his daughter and her ex-boyfriend, but it seemed more of a desperate affection, if that makes sense (her bf moved across the country to get away from her and if you look at pictures of them, you don't see love, you see almost like hostility or possessive looks from her). BM is not affectionate at all. I am willing to be that she and the kids have attachment disorder. There is no empathy with any of them either. That is one of my biggest issues with my bf's children, and they are all young adults.
I think with your SS, it could be any number of things. The lack of empathy is more worrisome for me than his lack of affection. I am sure it scares you at times. I think your FDH needs to keep any eye out for other issues. I would not try to force affection on him. Just keep your eyes open for any signs of odd behaviors. I don't want to jump the gun, because it may just be the child's nature, but don't leave him near other kids or pets alone. Like you said, it could be a phase, but I would use caution for now. Time will tell, and it may just be that he is fine, but this is his nature.
Thanks for your input. It's
Thanks for your input. It's so hard to tell at this age but I agree it's something we should keep an eye on.
I have three examples from last night. BM came because she dropped off SD6. We already had SS4 and when the dog barked because someone was there, he turned to look who it was. He saw BM, didn't even say Hi Mommy or anything, just said, "Oh it's mommy." and turned around and watched TV. She even said, "Well hello Son!" to him...thinking he might come and give her a hug or something. Nothing. I said, "SS! You haven't seen your mom all week and you didn't even say Hi to her?" I had to say it to him 3 times before he would tear himself away from the TV...and he turned over the ledge and said "Hi...." And that was that.
For an example of the lack of empathy -- he is constantly aggressive towards our dog (a lab) and then laughs when he gets hurt. Last night he basically squeezed our dog in a door and the dog yelped (TWICE) and SS4 laughed hysterically. I gave him a time out for that and explained that when a dog yelps it means it's being hurt, and that if he purposely was hurting him and then laughed at him that is absolutely wrong and mean. This type of behavior happens alot. Also he accidentally kicked his sister in the stomach last night (they were both laying down on the couch and he was trying to get up fast) and when she told him that he hurt her, he laughed. Another time out.
How do you teach empathy? Ugh.
You may have to consider
You may have to consider getting him tested. It is so hard to know for sure, but these are not good things. I do NOT think you can teach empathy if a child is born without the ability to be empathetic. I have seen kids like this, including my boyfriend's children. They have so many of the signs of attachment disorder. I used to work with juvenile offenders, and I met several who scared the hell out of me bc they had NO remorse for their actions. It was chilling. The look in their eyes....I remember attending a conference once where a psychiatrist and expert on various disorders stated that children and people like this can never be "fixed" because they will never be able to have normal feelings. Or something like that. He worked with patients in a psychiatric hospital who could not sympathize, empathize, etc. I think there are different degrees of this, too. Most kids will never deliberately hurt/maim/kill, while very few will do so and have no regrets. If that makes sense. I have worked with lots of kids with multiple issues. My passion is kids with special needs. I can honestly say there have only been a handful that I think were truly psychotic. Many can be nasty, mean, and cold, but nowhere near as many are pure evil, in my humble opinion.
Despite all of this, I do believe that if a child does not have some kind of disorder/illness, he can be taught empathy when adults, and even other children, model it. You did exactly the right thing when he hurt the dog. He needs to see you being kind and compassionate with people and animals, which you obviously are. I would keep doing what you are doing, and make sure you never stop reinforcing positive and acceptable behaviors. If you see your SS doing something great with the dog, like brushing him nicely or playing appropriately, maybe take a trip to the pet store and let him choose a special toy for the dog as a reward.
Another thing I am wondering...is there any possibility that he has been abused? I know that is a leap, but his lack of affection makes me wonder. Again, it could just be the way he is!
Abuse...besides an occasional
Abuse...besides an occasional spanking I don't believe so. It could just be his personality traits that he's inherited from his mom...she's completely the same way. FDH actually told me that he wonders, if one of BM's best friends died, how truly sad and emotional she would be. He said the only time she ever shows a "true" emotion is when she is mad.
I do believe empathy can be
I do believe empathy can be taught and kids with attachment disorder can learn to form healthy relationships. It is possible-these kids are not hopeless-he is so young that he can definitely be taught to emphathize with others-he just needs to internalize your morals and values-so I think the example of you being empathetic to a character on a tv show is a great way to model empathy and show your value system.
My ss13 is also a very unaffectionate young man. I remember when he was about 6-my dh had been working out of town for at least a month-he came home one evening and I didnt tell any of the kids he was coming so to surprise him. When dh walked in the room-MY kids who were 6 and 4 jumped from the couch and threw themselves into his arms saying daddy, daddy-talking a mile a minute. My ss never got up from the couch. He would occassionally glance over at my dh and kids hugging each other-smile a weird little smile and then turn back and watch tv. My dh had to ask him to get up and hug him. Likewise when my dh came home from the military this May (after a 6 month absence)he went to pick up ss along with my sil and ss came out of house and started talking to sil. He did not hug my dh,did not even say hi or acknowledge him until sil told him he needed to. These are not just rare examples but everyday stuff. I am quite sure my ss has attachment issues and seems to have no real bond to anyone. Which of course causes the whole lack of empathy and remorse. It frightens me quite a bit which is why I cant agree to him living with us.
I think he is getting a bit old to benefit from help-but it is useless anyway as noone is motivated to get the kid help. He lives with my mil now who thinks he needs no therapy as evidently *I* am the only problem he has. My dh cant drive so he cant even pick him up and take him to therapy, and bm has dropped all responsibility for him since he was growing weed in her front yard.
But at 4, I urge you to get the boy some help and continue to teach him at home about empahty and relationships. I would hug him-or at least have your dh hug him and interact playfully with him as much as possible. Have your dh touch him a lot in play, make good eye contact, with him and work on having a bonded relationship.
Thanks for your response and
Thanks for your response and tips.
Now that FDH have become acutely aware of this...this past week we made extra effort to discuss feelings and emotions with SS when the opportunities came about. We talked about how he felt when he was crying, how he felt when he hit the dog, etc, and we realize he absolutely has no idea what most of the emotions even mean. We asked him what it means to love someone, just to see what he said, and he couldn't think of words (we realize a lot of his inability to explain is just not knowing the vocabulary). So we told him that means we don't want someone else to get hurt. That we don't want to hurt their feelings and that we are sad for them when they physically get hurt (used examples). And we asked WHO does he love like htat? And he listed Daycare, us, BM, his sister. So he "got" it. That part felt good.
We also made much more effort to be physically loving with him.
By the weekend, after spending Sunday-Thursday with us, he was very lovey and cuddly. It is definitely that his emotional needs are not being met, going back and forth between our house which is a pretty busy household, to BM's who is notoriously not affectionate.
We're going to try to combat that!